The nature of resentment;

Trying to understand why people are resentful, mmmm, I know I was resentful pre my recovery from depression. I suppose I gave myself excuses why I was moody or narky, I may have blamed others for my feelings of resentment towards them; The house was always messy, the bins were never put out, nobody picked up dog pooh, they were in my space in the mornings. I guess I was selfish too. I expected a lot from others. I was also negative about things. I must've worried a lot.

When God sent me my last child Yasmin after a nine year gap. I knew there was a reason he firstly gave me a nine year break, I loved my children completely, but I was only really good at one child at a time, if you know what I mean? I do actually think that's a quality of mine, instead of having three of them together with typical toddler needs that I wouldn't have been able to meet.

Secondly, Yasmin was special; She had a delayed mental development which meant she was going to have a lot of challenges learning what other kids take for granted; walking, talking, understanding, reading, counting, skipping, cycling, swimming and everything else.

Yasmin needed my full attention and she needed me at my best. So, of course, I spiralled into a downward fall. Massive depression; resentfulness, negativities, anger, fear, until of course I realized what a massive gift I had received from God. This angel, with her challenges began to teach me about determination and bravery and gratitude.

I began to change, now it took a few years, Yasmin is 10 now, but I began to be grateful for every moment of Yasmin's difficulties and strength and for my life. I saw through her eyes how difficult it was for her to overcome her challenges, but she kept on trying! Well, no more feeling sorry for myself, I got on that road with Yasmin and began to change myself.

 I had to examine my thoughts carefully. I had to accept my own responsibility for bad or negative behavior, apoligise to all and to myself and make a firm commitment not to behave in that way again. I brain washed myself and still do, into positive thinking and gratitude each day. I ask God to free my mind from negativities and resentfulness and to fill my mind with positivities and gratitude.

And I have changed. I would never have thought it was possible. I don't sit on the fence now, I practice positive thinking all the time, as soon as a negative thought comes into my mind, I hurry it out.

So, I really do understand when people are stuck. It is hard to change. And it's hard to live with. 

So how do you live with a partner that is stuck in selfishness, negativity and blame and resentment and jealousy?

There is no discussion as none of it would make any sense. 

You see, I don't need too much attention. I never did. I've never been bored, I think as a reader, you're always going to have something to do. After tending to the chores of a housewife, of course, I'm trying to be an author now, so I'm writing more than I'm reading, but I always found time to read. I love a good story that grips me and have often been lost in those stories.

I love my own company but I also love people's company; All sorts of people, so if I did have a few minutes that I should be bored, I'm not, I'll have a conversation with anyone, even my dogs;

 Ok, that's crazy now! But you know what I mean.

I am grateful for this day, I am grateful for my children, my family, my friends. I love every essense of the climates. I have chosen this path in my life.

 I will now walk on it with grace and keep myself, now that I have found myself.