I need to explain

I spoke about my days growing up in Cabra in 'My Beautiful Flower'.
 My girl friends, our back-rounds, our poorness. But how can I explain our unity....
You may look down your nose at dysfunction, but don't knock it. Dysfunction is a wonderful gift.
Dysfunction being, limited education, poverty, alcohol abuse, struggling parents.
We had a class reunion tonight from 40 years ago
And I recognized so many
All smiles and praise
No complaints
That's the thing
No complaint's
Support, encouragement,
Smiles,
reassuring hugs and touch.
Delighted to see you looking so well.
Happy for you.
Why?
Because it's just great to see you. They remember your contribution to them surviving school or parents or growing up years. Because you made it fun. Like they made it fun for you. Less scary.
And here you are.
You live to tell the tail.
Of truth.
Of life.
But it's ok.
Because they are here with you.
And they are still smiling!
That's what friends are....
Jean. xxx

Lost...

I feel like Tom Hanks in one of his great acting rolls in Castaway when his companion, best mate, only friend in the world falls into the sea and Tom never sees him again.
That's the way I feel inside,
Lost.
No strength.
Detached from society.
As if I am going to collapse, but it's a mental collapse and then it's physical also. But I can't allow myself the pleasure of a collapse. I can see the benefits of being in a delusional state.
 Of not feeling the pain of failure.
I'm drained emotionally.  I have no energy nor interest to look nice .
 I'm not meeting my family's needs.
I'm wreaked in guilt for my emotional failures in life.
My precious eleven year old struggles to go to school every morning, everything hurts her, her hair, her teeth washing, her face washing, her toe this morning, I know school is hard for her even though she says it's not.
 I can't take her pain away from her.
She's angry with herself. How can I teach her to accept herself?
She's such a great girl, she really tries hard.
Yet I am so grateful for the school system this morning, because I can have six hours break from her Dyspraxia and everything that goes with it for my little pet. You know, Yasmin was born with this disability, it's mild enough you might say because you can't see it's physical form, but every day she grows older, her disability doesn't. It's still a tantrumous, anxious, hyper active, struggling, clumsy, scared, angry, disorganized three year old.
It's still the same challenge for her every day. Every day she has to work very very hard to learn things that some take for granted.
My heart goes out to the many parents who have a lot more disabilities in their children and they are aging but their children are not.
I'm only 48 and I'm tired.

Jean xxx

The Responsibilities of being a Woman

I'm sure I'm not the only woman sitting down this morning the 20th November 2015, with weariness in my bones.
Wondering how to be all to the husband and the children, how to meet all their needs. How to provide a Happy, worry free Home. To be a Mother to the kids, a Teacher, a Nurse, a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist, a Special Needs assistant, a Nutritionist, a Hairdresser and Beautician (Ok, so I have those skills at least!)  A Wife to the husband, a sex goddess, (I kid you not!) a Business Manager to the home, to keep the bills paid and the washing and ironing done. To put food in the fridge. While presenting a lovely clean home for the return of the family after their wonderful easy day in school, college or indeed the luxury of working outside the home.
Never mind the addition of taking care of the adored dogs and pony!
And as with every job, I know, there are times when there is an employee review.
'We think that you could be doing better. We're not getting very good returns from your work.'
You feel a failure again. Can't you do anything right?
 How can you do better? You've got limited means. Limited time. You've a limited body. You would need to be cloned. It's a task itself figuring out the individual needs of your children. And the more kids you have, the ratio of getting it wrong increases.
 In my parents day, it was easier.  They just had kids, they fed them and sent them to school. Thank God they didn't have to figure out any emotional needs. We were spared of any emotional intervention. We weren't to show any emotion. Apart from being happy. We could laugh things off.  But that's not as bad as you think. At least for most of us, we were in this happy little bubble of denial for most of our youth. That's a great gift in itself!
So you come out of your review. The house is quite. Everybody is gone. You look around at the mess they left behind and you wonder where to start. Again.
The groundhog feeling of everyday being the same.
What wonder can you get out of this day? In the back round of my mind, I hear my good angel telling me, 'Look at your kids! See their smiling happy faces going off to their day. They're safe, healthy, nourished and warm!'
The little devil in my mind is very small. I can't hear his voice much. It's very faint. I know he's trying to laugh and jeer and blame and criticize, but I'm not listening.
So, I'm ok. I'll work harder. I'm a woman.
I'm the gel that keeps the family together. Like my Mother before me and her Mother, my Granny. A small woman with a huge mind, full of giving.
Don't underestimate our task of being a woman. God shared his great gift of creating with us women. He gave us the gift of giving birth. Yes, we know the excruciating pain of bringing a child into the world and the same pain when we lose one. But he gave us strength.
And we have this gift of great love and loyalty to our born.
We'll not give up.

Jean xx

Hi! I'm looking for some talented people out there to take part in my art competition, check out my website for the details http://jeanmurray120.wordpress.com spread the word!

Hi! I'm looking for some talented people out there to take part in my art competition, check out my website for the details http://jeanmurray120.wordpress.com spread the word!
Since I'm not having too much interest here in Ireland, I'm putting it out there! 
And open to all ages!

Jean xx

'Who's that ole fella you had me sit on his lap for the last few years??'

I laughed this morning when my sister in law told me of an eight year old child in her daughter's  school, who was going around telling the other kids that Santa wasn't real!
There's always one! You know the type? They're smarter than the average airy fairy kid who is happy in the knowledge that the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Jack Frost and indeed Santa are all very real. These little innocents don't have the desire to discover anything. They are just so happy to place every little extravagant want on their list, knowing their beloved wishes will come true!
But the Smarty Pants wants to know why Santa didn't bring him his much desired, latest Super Duper, really expensive to buy X Box next generation?
 He wants to get to the bottom of all these unasked for useless presents appearing every year under the Christmas Tree. There has to be a more logical explanation?
 So the Smarty Pants puts on his detective ears and watch's his parents every move and every whisper until he finally discovers the secret stash of presents! He knew it! Mammy and Daddy are Santa! The Frauds. No wonder they kept saying Santa can't afford really expensive items!!
 Now, delighted and also miserable in this new knowledge, he can't wait to tell all these idiot kids who still believe, that there is no such thing as Santa!
 Two of the mammies at the school were outraged, as only us Irish mammies can be. So, they called an emergency meeting with the principle to have this child shut up! (Irish mammies have this power)
This secret could not get out! It would break all of the children's hearts!
And I know for sure if my 11 year old Yasmin found out now, she would be heart broken. Yasmin is only in 4th class now, so all of her classmates at 9 are still happy believers and because of her delayed maturity, she's really only 7 in her head. So, I am certainly not rushing in to break her little heart.
So when is a good time to tell your kids that Santa isn't real? And was it really fair to dis-allusion them for so long?
As my neighbor told me recently, when she told her twelve year old daughter that Santa wasn't real, her daughter was shocked! She had no idea he wasn't real. She asked her mom then, 'So who was that ole fella you brought me to every year and had me sitting on his lap??'
You know it's true. We give them this magic and fantasy for the first few years of their life and as soon as the awful puberty approaches, and they are mourning the loss of their childhood body, they have to deal with this tragic loss also! 'Santa's not real?'
I do think it's nice to have the magic and fantasy in kids life, but should we take it away completely?
 Christmas does indeed come around very fast for us parents who are still struggling with the effects of the recession. And I can speak from experience, the stress of trying to meet the kids wants are tough.
I know many of us are cursing Santa's imminent arrival and welcome the little Smarty pants going around breaking our kids hearts for us.
But we don't have to turn into Bah Humbug himself, (I keep telling my husband)
 And I don't want to come across too corny, but it can still be a time of magic. It is a time of gatherings and get togethers, so, we can look forward to those moments. We don't have to buy everybody presents, as it's the company that matters. (And a glass of vino)
When it's time for the kids to know about Santa, they will ask you first and then they are ready for the truth. And you can tell them, that Christmas is still a magical time. It's about new beginnings and family and friends and being loving and caring and sharing. We keep Santa around because it reminds us to be nicer. To share ourselves and our wealth with people we care about and who need it.

Jean xx

So, I have a very Worthy cause.....

I launched my very first children's story book today called 'Madhead The Crazy Horse'!
 I was very proud of this story, because it contained real life elements of my life with my children and my family and friends and our animals.
Animals who are not so easy to tame. Who need kindness and a firm and reassuring voice.
 Animals who are always there for us, waiting to receive that reassuring pat or hug and waiting to reassure us with a nudge of their nose or a wag of their tail. They can teach us so much!
I hosted the launch in Broadmeadows Stables, where my children and their friends spend their days tending their beautiful horses.
They care for these animals with such skill, who give them so much comfort and confidence.
They learn to be strong.
In relation to my book, I linked my charity of choice, a wonderful cause, to The Dyspraxia Assoc. of Ireland. I wanted to spread awareness to this unknown Disability. That in our days, the children were called 'Slow'. They just couldn't keep up with the 'normal' kids. They were hard to teach and often put down to the back of the class.
On the discovery that my last child had quite a severe Dyspraxia, I was quite devastated. And shocked. And worried. Like any other loving parent.
With the help and support of other parents to encourage and comfort me and also the resources to physically help me and my child, I soon learned that we would be OK. That my child could perform in life.
Over whelmed with pride and joy, I wanted to share this news with everybody in Ireland. I wanted to shout out, 'Hey! This is a wonderful, kind World we live in! Look what we can do to help! We can educate all of our children with individual needs! They have the ability to be educated! And we also have that ability to educate!'

The wonderful person from The Dyspraxia Assoc. who came to support me today, shared with me the difficulties for parents who struggle to pay the high costs to have their child assessed. Many parents borrow money to give their child a proper diagnosis in order to receive proper resource in school.

We raised 700 euros for The Dyspraxia Assoc. today from the sale of my books and I am so proud to say that the raised money will go directly to a child's assessment, and maybe even another child. And I am also proud to say that a proportion of all my future earnings from my books will always go to the Dyspraxia Assoc. Because I will gladly contribute to a child's educational and emotional needs.

 There are wonderful people like Shea from Ireland's Own and even Woman's Own who have helped promote this positivity and I am very grateful. 

And today, my beautiful friends and family came to support me and my quest. And they had their own sadness and illness and difficulties to face. Yet, they came to me.
To unite in our quest of humanity. To genuinely support. To comfort our pain, not our beauty.
To love our joy through their sadness.
Through their loss.
What wonderful people.
Real people.
With warmth.
I am humbled at such loyalty.


Jean xx

Is there anybody out there?

I don't like to complain, but if I did, it might go something like this......
A couple of months before my first book, 'My Beautiful Flower' was released on amazon on the 1st March this year, I saw a successful author talk about his writing career to Mark Cagney on Ireland Am. He spoke about the difficulties he had in getting his first book published, that it's a lot of work as there are many talented writers out there and it's very hard to get noticed. Indeed, one of the things that delayed my start in writing was, how could I write and deliver as good as the books that I had read in my lifetime?
Nevertheless, I took his words on board. I was prepared to work hard. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was a nobody. And I knew nobody.
Austin Macauley are one of the many publishing agents out there who will help you edit and publish your work for you for a fee. They then release it on to amazon UK and USA and in fairness to the marketing team, they tell you, 'It's down to you, how successful your book will become, as you have to do all of your own self promoting.'
So, with my limited technical skills, I signed up to Twitter, Goodreads and many more social media sites and I began my rant about my book. I joined Amazon author central and you get to see what number you are in the top 100,000, which is a nice little tool. When I saw my book go low in the ratings, I found out I could buy twitter boosts to promote my book at a not too costly 20 euros a month.
I also emailed my book to all the radio and tv presenters in Ireland trying to get some airtime or media coverage, but nobody emailed back.
In the meantime, I have been writing my blogs (as I am now) and other books. And excitedly, have 'Madhead The Crazy Horse!' Released again through Austin Macauley on 30th October this year. Much more confident about this little creation, I started it's promotion early in September. I emailed and twittered with gusto! And emailed again. And sent copies of the beautiful story to every tv, radio and magazine in Dublin.
Do you know, we have loads of Irish magazines? Loads of Irish TV talk shows? And loads of Irish radio presenters? Well we do. As I wrote to them all. And I thought that maybe they'd be all sick of doing the same thing, having celebrity's cooking, having celebrity's fashion and makeup and weddings and authors and the list goes on. That they would like a bit of ordinary fresh air from a nobody, but who has lots of important things to say too that are funny and interesting. That involving family and friends in her occasions in life is much more rewarding.
 But apparently not. I guess they think us poor Irish nobody's keep wanting to see the successful and the beautiful and the rich all of the time.
So, not disheartened. I began to phone all the radio, tv shows and magazines and soon the proverbial penny began to drop. 'Oh Hi! Yes, just email that in again and the producer will make a decision if you get to talk to the presenter.' And then you never hear anything else from them.
 Gerry Ryan would never agree to that! God rest him. He talked to all of us ordinary folk on air!
At this point, you may think your work is really shite..... And then you just ring the radio sales department. Just to see how much it would cost to promote your work on the radio. And you realise, that this is probably the route you have to go. It's already cost you a small fortune thus far.
Thankfully, it's too much money and I can't afford it, so I don't pay to advertise my book.
I force myself back into positivity. At least I got some nice feedback from the book shops around the country who may put my book on their shelf.
And even though my poor child couldn't get herself back to sleep at 4.30 this morning, it least I got to write my blog!
Jean xxx