How to be a tough cop parent with kindness and compassion

jeanmurray120.wordpress.comAs I might have mentioned a few times before, parenting is a tough job!
What starts off with oneself being young and vibrant and full of hope and dreams meeting the man/girl that they are going to have their children with. And one day it happens, they excitedly bring home a beautiful delicate newborn that they can only love and adore. As dreams become harsh realities of hard work and little sleep, they unknowingly begin a pattern of destruction. They eagerly give into every demand their little angel has, (anything for a quiet life, right?) Then zap on ten short years later and a monster has come into the home and kicked their sweet little precious out and it's here to stay! And the nightmare begins.
Of course I'm not generalising this. Not every child is going to cause you major headaches and confusion. If you're one of the lucky ones and your first baby is easy enough and not very demanding, you're probably going to escape major tantrums. Although take it from me, don't sit back and relax just yet, there'll be plenty of opportunities and issues that will arise with that particular child to keep you confused and questioning.
But let's have a look at the difficult child first. It will have severe crying fits from as early as newborn. She/he is one of those babies one has no idea why they cry. They are fed, watered, nappy changed, not too hot, not too cold, cries when they wake up, cries when they go to sleep. And every cry is immediately met with instant attention.
As baby grows into a toddler, it becomes more demanding and stubborn. This can appear cute and harmless at first when you think your toddler is asserting themselves. It's not so fun when it becomes clear that the child has become the boss of the house and screams in deafening hysteria until it gets its own way.
My difficult child came third and last. Now, I'm not saying that she wasn't the most adorable little creature God put on this earth, but had she have came first, I'm pretty sure I would've been locked up in one home and she in another! She was definitely a challenge. She had the terrifying tantrums and by age four she began to hit me when I tried to get her to do what she needed to do. I could see that she was terrified during her tantrums. She was so sad and frustrated.
So the first thing I had to do was sort out this bad behaviour. After getting some very good advise from a wise old person, I got down to her level and firmly but kindly took her hands and said that if she hit me again, she would go on the step for a time-out. When she continued to hit me, I placed her on the bottom stair for four minutes. Of course there was mass hysteria and she tried to leave the step the whole time but I stood there preventing her from leaving the step again, kindly and firmly until her time was up. Then I asked her to tell me she was sorry.
This was a tactic I continued to use successfully from that day on. The thing was, on that first day, I could actually see the fear leaving my daughter's eyes as she realised that Mammy was finally taking control.
As it turned out, my daughter had a sensory condition and a comprehension disorder, so the two factors meant that certain conditions or environments made her confused and uncomfortable and frustrated, which is why she cried a lot.
Learning to read and write and understand things was really difficult for her, so she got really angry with herself.
Having a learning disorder was all the more reason to not let her away with the bad behaviour from such a young age. Because she was always going to have this difficulty. It was always going to be hard for her to learn. It was always going to frustrate her but what was the alternative? Give in to her? Feel sorry for her? And let her tantrums get worse, no way.
So yes, it is so hard to see your child crying and genuinely upset when they are finding things difficult to do, but kids are good at crying and if you know for sure that they are in a pretty good environment, well then what I would often say is 'Don't believe their crocodile tears!' And you can't tell them 'Ok then, don't do it.' You've got to sympathise with them for sure , blow their nose if needed, give them a bit of fresh air and then say, now let's try that again! And that goes for behaviour, education sport, activities.
Because that is the only way your child with learning difficulties or no learning difficulties will get through life.
It's ok for things to be tough and hard when it's all for the child's benefit.
Jean xx


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Suffer Little Children

jeanmurray120.wordpress.comAs a sufferer of depression myself, I can understand why someone would want to end their own life. Initially, it seems the instant answer to rid yourself of pain and anguish. It is really difficult at times to live with what goes on inside one's own mind. I can imagine for most sufferers like myself, that it's not crazy stuff, like people assume. You're not gaga or loop de loop.
 Inside my mind, it's rational, not unreasonable, so why, on just another Friday morning, a momentary thought comes to my mind, 'I wish I wasn't here.'  Why do I find it difficult to face people?
The comfort and ease of not having to tolerate my difficult task of living and interacting with life is inviting at times, but scary enough to leave that thought well enough alone. So what goes on inside the mind of a person like this?
I now know the mind becomes weak when there is lots of work going on up there. Negative work. So for instance, if you're going through the recession and the constant effort it takes to try and pay your bills when there is never a positive outcome, that begins a pattern of doubt and fear and fear can make people react in different ways.
For me, yes, I've had the financial recession also but it's also a constant torture of how bad I am at the things that I do and the embarrassment that comes with that, also the stupid things I've said or done, or not done plays over and over in my mind; My constant failures and the guilt that comes with all of this. I feel terribly guilty for not being a contributive human being.
 As a mother, I'm angry at myself, 'Why is it such a hard job? Why is everything in life hard?
Life is a constant challenge. I know as I write this that I've lost a lot of life's competitions. I didn't put up a good enough fight. In a prime example, when I was a young vivid worker running my own business, I closed down when a similar one opened up on the same block. I knew I couldn't win, so I didn't even try. When I was bullied by a very nasty manageress in a job that I really wanted, I just walked away. I didn't even report her. I felt sorry for her instead of me. This happened again in another job that I really liked!
This left me with a sense of unworthiness. I didn't want to work with people who were mean and horrible. I became afraid. I didn't know how to act around these people. Could I just work with people and give in to their demands constantly quashing my own ideas? Would I lose my head and get really angry, which I was very capable of doing? But then I would feel really bad.
I was aware that I had no confidence so I decided to go out there and re-educate myself in various areas and I did very well! And I found that I was a capable person. And I was able to work really hard! And I did that for a while, but then mid forties, my mind was having a hard time keeping up with my body and the requirements of life.
And then it shut down. It wasn't able to get my body to do any task at all.
I couldn't communicate with the outside world. I had to stop working. I didn't think about taking my own life but my behaviour was erratic. I found myself leaving notes with my will and testament in case something were to happen.
But, inside my mind I was aware that I needed to be there for my kids so I forced myself to do small tasks at first like washing my teeth and face each morning and then going for a walk. I was aware that everything in my mind was full of fear and sadness. So I began to brainwash myself into positivity.
It took a while, but that was the road that got me well again. And the road I still walk on.
Because life is full of ups and downs and challenges that occasionally leave me with a sense of unworthiness like this morning, I am low.
Although I wish I wasn't here sometimes, I would be too afraid to harm myself. I'm an adult and I know that tomorrow these feelings will have passed. And I'll spend this day being by myself. It is lovely to be on your own at times.
I have a huge sense of sympathy for the young children who are ending their life these days to end the pain of living with themselves inside their mind. These children have sensitive emotions and aware of the difficulties of living. Maybe because they have to face someone that made them feel stupid or unworthy. And for them, the eight hours of a school day can seem endless as they are obviously in fear.
This is a very complicated situation. How can you tell a child that this situation will pass. These kids are too afraid to stand out from the crowd and they are too afraid to be themselves. They are afraid to be on their own, because society shows that cool kids have lots of friends.
Their little minds were not born with fear. Their little minds developed these fears as they grew as different situations arose in their lives that created a fear in them and made them feel insecure within themselves and unworthy. Their unworthiness in themselves is reinforced when someone makes them feel bad about themselves. To escape that torturous pain that a child in puberty escalates to extreme measures, is simple in their minds. to end their own little life. To end a moment of emotional pain.
It's not an easy situation for the parents who have lost children this way with no knowledge or explanation. And how do parents recognise that their child has any emotional issues?
It's very common for children in puberty to not talk to their parents because they know that parents will try and help and 'do' something about it.
Again, the biggest things these kids feel is embarrassment, so to acknowledge any sort of issue in puberty is going to cause them great embarrassment.
So it's very delicate. If you are lucky enough to have your child come to you with feelings of embarrassment, acknowledge them. Show your sympathy, maybe give them an example of the stupid things you did at school or the times when you felt left out. Tell them it's ok. Everybody feels left out at times, even the cool kids. At this important age, they might not need anything 'done' about a situation, as that would high light them as the tell tale. They might just need someone to understand what they are going through.
Jean xxx

Dreams, Wants and Wishes

What were my dreams when I was young? I know I had them. Great desires to become someone famous. Being recognised as someone great. I thought maybe I'd be a famous hairdresser and would work in London along side the other greats. That's all I had known I wanted to be. And I did become a hairdresser, a pretty good one.
But my dreams became a distant memory as I became a mother. And then that was my most important role. To be a mother. Although I still worked hard as a hairdresser, I knew my dreams of going to London and to the next level would never happen as I took on my new responsibility. I kindly said goodbye to my dreams and held them in a back pocket of my mind for another day, maybe.
The task of motherhood seemed an easy one at first. Yes, it was a big change. To go from loving oneself more than others to loving another more than oneself is quite a surprise for us selfish beings. I remember thinking at the time that I could do with being less selfish. But maybe at twenty two, I was too young, too immature to take on this job. I didn't know the whole manuscript of raising a healthy child. I assumed it was just a physical role. I was fit and healthy enough. I didn't think then that I might not have the mental requirements.
Although I know I loved my fist born, a boy. Unconditionally.
I somehow wasn't the right match for him, for what he needed to grow. I suppose I just thought loving, providing, educating, was enough. But I did push, not encourage and I guess I controlled. And I paid the ultimate price.
It was just sixteen short years when I knew I was losing my son, maybe fifteen. And although I tried, there was nothing I could do or say to stop this process.
At eighteen, he had fled the nest and was gone.
Gone emotionally, forever.
The second was a girl and in true form, girls cry when they are upset and then you can help, or listen or support. They learn to trust you. They learn you to be a Mother. The relationship grows. I was a bit older, had I learned a bit more about my job as a Mother? I knew the role involved more than just the functional things. I learned that children have voices that need to be listened to. When they are sad we have to hug them, when they are hurt, we have to clean the wound.
When the third child came along, I knew then what the role of mothering involved and I realised how hard it was to actually be a good Mother. To love and nurture. To show by example. To teach work ethic and gratitude.
And I think the most important thing that I have learned as a Mother is that each child is different and they have very different learning abilities and to know when they are ready to learn the next stage of emotional education and literal education and physical education is very important in parenting because if you push a child to a place it is not ready for, you will cause them confusion, frustration and anxiety.
I watch from the distance my thirty year old son as a father and a husband.
He can't share his beautiful daughters with me. For him, I guess the memory of his youth is not one he wants to bring his children into.
He doesn't need to call me for anything, a cup of tea or how are you doing Ma? I don't receive the look of love or pride from him.
It's painful for me because I only ever wanted to be recognised as someone really good at their job and reap the rewards.
So where are my dreams now? My dreams have changed shape a little, Now I pray to God and thank him for my healthy and well family. I pray for them to grow in love and gratitude. I pray they won't make the same mistakes I have, or suffer the hurt and pain that I have in growing and realisation.
Now, my dreams are that my son would recognise me as someone great. He could pretend I was a stranger in distress and maybe give me a helping arm to cling onto.
And he could tell his children about this lady that he helped and she was so grateful.
xxx Jean