Suffer Little Children

jeanmurray120.wordpress.comAs a sufferer of depression myself, I can understand why someone would want to end their own life. Initially, it seems the instant answer to rid yourself of pain and anguish. It is really difficult at times to live with what goes on inside one's own mind. I can imagine for most sufferers like myself, that it's not crazy stuff, like people assume. You're not gaga or loop de loop.
 Inside my mind, it's rational, not unreasonable, so why, on just another Friday morning, a momentary thought comes to my mind, 'I wish I wasn't here.'  Why do I find it difficult to face people?
The comfort and ease of not having to tolerate my difficult task of living and interacting with life is inviting at times, but scary enough to leave that thought well enough alone. So what goes on inside the mind of a person like this?
I now know the mind becomes weak when there is lots of work going on up there. Negative work. So for instance, if you're going through the recession and the constant effort it takes to try and pay your bills when there is never a positive outcome, that begins a pattern of doubt and fear and fear can make people react in different ways.
For me, yes, I've had the financial recession also but it's also a constant torture of how bad I am at the things that I do and the embarrassment that comes with that, also the stupid things I've said or done, or not done plays over and over in my mind; My constant failures and the guilt that comes with all of this. I feel terribly guilty for not being a contributive human being.
 As a mother, I'm angry at myself, 'Why is it such a hard job? Why is everything in life hard?
Life is a constant challenge. I know as I write this that I've lost a lot of life's competitions. I didn't put up a good enough fight. In a prime example, when I was a young vivid worker running my own business, I closed down when a similar one opened up on the same block. I knew I couldn't win, so I didn't even try. When I was bullied by a very nasty manageress in a job that I really wanted, I just walked away. I didn't even report her. I felt sorry for her instead of me. This happened again in another job that I really liked!
This left me with a sense of unworthiness. I didn't want to work with people who were mean and horrible. I became afraid. I didn't know how to act around these people. Could I just work with people and give in to their demands constantly quashing my own ideas? Would I lose my head and get really angry, which I was very capable of doing? But then I would feel really bad.
I was aware that I had no confidence so I decided to go out there and re-educate myself in various areas and I did very well! And I found that I was a capable person. And I was able to work really hard! And I did that for a while, but then mid forties, my mind was having a hard time keeping up with my body and the requirements of life.
And then it shut down. It wasn't able to get my body to do any task at all.
I couldn't communicate with the outside world. I had to stop working. I didn't think about taking my own life but my behaviour was erratic. I found myself leaving notes with my will and testament in case something were to happen.
But, inside my mind I was aware that I needed to be there for my kids so I forced myself to do small tasks at first like washing my teeth and face each morning and then going for a walk. I was aware that everything in my mind was full of fear and sadness. So I began to brainwash myself into positivity.
It took a while, but that was the road that got me well again. And the road I still walk on.
Because life is full of ups and downs and challenges that occasionally leave me with a sense of unworthiness like this morning, I am low.
Although I wish I wasn't here sometimes, I would be too afraid to harm myself. I'm an adult and I know that tomorrow these feelings will have passed. And I'll spend this day being by myself. It is lovely to be on your own at times.
I have a huge sense of sympathy for the young children who are ending their life these days to end the pain of living with themselves inside their mind. These children have sensitive emotions and aware of the difficulties of living. Maybe because they have to face someone that made them feel stupid or unworthy. And for them, the eight hours of a school day can seem endless as they are obviously in fear.
This is a very complicated situation. How can you tell a child that this situation will pass. These kids are too afraid to stand out from the crowd and they are too afraid to be themselves. They are afraid to be on their own, because society shows that cool kids have lots of friends.
Their little minds were not born with fear. Their little minds developed these fears as they grew as different situations arose in their lives that created a fear in them and made them feel insecure within themselves and unworthy. Their unworthiness in themselves is reinforced when someone makes them feel bad about themselves. To escape that torturous pain that a child in puberty escalates to extreme measures, is simple in their minds. to end their own little life. To end a moment of emotional pain.
It's not an easy situation for the parents who have lost children this way with no knowledge or explanation. And how do parents recognise that their child has any emotional issues?
It's very common for children in puberty to not talk to their parents because they know that parents will try and help and 'do' something about it.
Again, the biggest things these kids feel is embarrassment, so to acknowledge any sort of issue in puberty is going to cause them great embarrassment.
So it's very delicate. If you are lucky enough to have your child come to you with feelings of embarrassment, acknowledge them. Show your sympathy, maybe give them an example of the stupid things you did at school or the times when you felt left out. Tell them it's ok. Everybody feels left out at times, even the cool kids. At this important age, they might not need anything 'done' about a situation, as that would high light them as the tell tale. They might just need someone to understand what they are going through.
Jean xxx