jean murray: What a fast year!

jean murray: What a fast year!: My daughter Sarah's first year in IADT college came to an end last night with a fabulous presentation of her class mate's work for t...

What a fast year!

My daughter Sarah's first year in IADT college came to an end last night with a fabulous presentation of her class mate's work for their year 2014/15.
IADT is one of Europe's top art and design colleges'. It specializes in film production, animation, costume design and theatrical makeup.  Sarah's chosen course was 'Set and Stage Design and Production'.
As I sat and watched each student's six minute film production of their art work, I realized I was watching some amazing talent. These 19 year old young men and women put on a very professional display of their expressions of Art. Each student had been given a different movement of art to design and make into a film. They had to develop their art, act, direct, produce and edit.
Sarah's task was 'Cubism'. This style aimed to translate a real form through geometric, abstract and architectural shapes. Sarah had designed a model of a human form with various sized cubes. She chose to act as a maintenance man working in an Art gallery. By accident, he destroys a sculpture. Instead of reporting his mistake, he covers it up by remaking it. He discovers he's a master at sculpture!
Sarah's piece was really funny. Sarah is quite shy, so this whole year in Art college brought Sarah out of her comfort shell. She had to work in teams, put her ideas out there, build and perform them. Her tutor Paul was able to get Sarah to believe in herself. My little girl is doing ok!
Well done IADT!

jean murray: Mother of the groom

jean murray: Mother of the groom: When my oldest child 25, and only son announced that he and his beautiful girlfriend were to get married in a year, I was delighted. Every M...

Mother of the groom

When my oldest child 25, and only son announced that he and his beautiful girlfriend were to get married in a year, I was delighted. Every Mother's dream is to have a wedding in the family. A time for you to show off your beautiful child, now a man, to all your family and friends. A chance to welcome  your future daughter in law into our vast network of people. She will now be part of this huge group of aunts, uncles and cousins. She will be the first grand daughter in law to the proud granny, still young enough to see her first grandson walk down the isle into his new life as a husband.
It's a wonderful affair by all accounts. Everybody loves to see a young couple so in love make a commitment to share their life together. Their dreams, their wishes and hopes of a life that is just for each other, oblivious to the challenges that lie ahead for them as a couple, but for now, just simple bliss.
The first job as a pending Mother in law is to stand back. Wait to be invited into any help needed or instruction. To be fair, I have enough planning of my own in preparation for 'The Wedding'. My house needs a good overhaul and I have less than a year to do it.
There's the outfits for myself and my two girls to plan which of course will be a very enjoyable occasion for us girls as we like any other ladies like to shop for a special event. Granny will be included, all my sisters will be included, the nieces will be included and the girl friends will be included.
I have also suggested that The Mother of the Bride come along. I think it's a good idea that we know what each of us are wearing. I want to wear something really nice but I obviously don't want to stand out in the wrong way.  I think this is where a stylish hat can come in. It can make a statement, but in the right way.
 We are all really excited about this and are planning a night in The Westin Hotel Dublin on one Friday evening so that we can enjoy the day shopping for our 'guna nua' and possibly a venture into the Philip Treacy department!
I will also be planning the traditional pre wedding night in the house for the neighbours', which will include lots of food, drink and laughter. I will officially introduce my future daughter in law and her family to our lot. This will have to be planned really well,  as I don't want to overlap with the many things the Mother of the Bride and indeed the Bride and Groom have to do in the run up to the wedding.
So all that's left is 'The List'. Now, anyone who knows me will know that I like to include everyone I know in all my events. I like people, so it's easy for me to chat and mix. My Dad was very social also. He loved nothing better than a big gathering. My husband is not as easy with social gatherings and neither is our son. He's a quiet lad. Quite odd. He's afraid that he'll have to socialize at his wedding and talk to the masses that I hope to invite. To be fair, we have a big lot on our side that my son wants me to quarter!
 But, (And here's my but, you knew it was coming!) there's an etiquette to a wedding that young people today think can be eliminated. Us parents have a loyalty to our friends and family. We have built up business relationships that can't be ignored at our very first special social occasion. There are certain people we have to and want to share in our only son's special day. This is what I'm most worried about at the moment.
Of course, I don't want to worry the young couple. I want to reassure them that as their parents, we will help them through the most important social gathering of their lives. We will look after their guests. We will take care of any issue on the day.
We will shine as their parents. This is what we've been waiting for.
A chance to show 'A job well done!'

jean murray: 'Everything's gonna be ok....'

jean murray: 'Everything's gonna be ok....': Thankfully, I'm feeling better this morning. As a person who suffers with depression, I've learned a lot about myself in the past th...

'Everything's gonna be ok....'

Thankfully, I'm feeling better this morning. As a person who suffers with depression, I've learned a lot about myself in the past three years. I'm aware of myself, my needs and what upsets me. So, I now know how to take care of my mind and my body. I obviously work very hard on my mind to help it be spiritual and positive and that's very important for mental health. I know I have to eat, sleep, exercise and that's really important  for mental health also. I also have to value myself and that's something I didn't do in my 48 years of life. So then it's easy for other people not to value me or maybe take me for granted. So now, I'm changing. I really have to stand up for myself and my value. Don't get me wrong, I'm not prancing around like a peacock holding my stance. I'm doing it with grace, with respect, (well I hope I am!) because I'm aware that shouting my head off resentfully about all of my changes will not help me or anyone else for that matter and it would also show that I haven't changed at all!
 That said, not many people like change. They like the old way, I guess it was easier for them. So, when I receive negative reactions back. It hurts.
Being part of a large enough family brings a lot of responsibility on how you are in that family. Mother, daughter, sister, wife, aunty. Of course, I don't always get it right, in fact, it sometimes seems like I always get it wrong!  When I'm wrong, when I hurt someone, it hurts me too.
It takes a lot out of me. I whip myself emotionally. And the negativity eats in on my healthy mind and I begin to feel ill. I feel the anxiety in my tummy. I feel panic. I feel fear. I'm unable to function normally.
But, I am not on my own now while I'm doing this. I'm aware that I have asked God for help during my emotional crisis and I haven't felt as bad as I would've in the past. I was able to compartmentalize the problem or problems and put them in perspective. It's not the end of the world when I make a mistake. It's a small issue. It can be sorted. I can learn from it. I accept my responsibility, apologize to affected person or people and to myself for causing myself hurt and anguish and then I can move on.
I spent a peaceful day yesterday in the beautiful sunshiny day in Donabate yesterday. I walked my dogs and I took in the beauty all around me.
 It's been a tough couple of weeks and I'm still feeling a bit shaky, but I know it's going to be ok.

jean murray: I'm struggling

jean murray: I'm struggling: Sometimes I find my life very difficult. And I'm not thinking of ending it or anything, I'm in a much healthier mental place than be...

I'm struggling

Sometimes I find my life very difficult. And I'm not thinking of ending it or anything, I'm in a much healthier mental place than before I wrote my book 'My Beautiful flower'.  I practice my gratitude and positivity each morning which really helps. But I am around people who are surrounded with negativity and resentment and it drags me down. I think I'm handling it fairly well. I know there is little I can do to get them to release their minds from negativity and resentments, if they don't want to let go, face the problems they are encountering because of their negativity, but it pains me.
I realized over the past couple of years how negativity can really hold you back. Ok, being positive that you are going to win the lotto is not going to make you win, but being positive that you can be better, your life can be better, you can improve your circumstances, will boost your morale.
 And that really works.
I certainly believe God gives us the path we need. To find the way through the maze that will make us better people, to work on each area of our imperfect personality before we are ready to go to Heaven.
 I take a long time completing jigsaws. I don't cheat, I don't easily find the missing pieces or indeed the way out of the maze. And as I'm writing this, I realize that this is my challenge.
And I have to keep on going. And I have to keep on trying.
I can see the fruits of my hard work on my two beautiful girls. I'm proud of my parenting skills on these two. That's when I realized that God's angels were guiding me, helping me.
 That's when I opened my eyes and saw.
I know I failed my older child. I was always too busy then to bond.
 I live with that loss every day.

jean murray: The terrible thing about face book!

jean murray: The terrible thing about face book!: It's all very well catching up on face book with friends, but when you get into the private chatting it can be really good until you mak...

The terrible thing about face book!

It's all very well catching up on face book with friends, but when you get into the private chatting it can be really good until you make a mistake.
 I like writing chat because you can choose your words carefully and it's a good way of keeping in contact with those of whom you no longer have the time or opportunity to visit.
As we all know family and friends can annoy us at times, like we can annoy or upset them. But never combine your annoyance with your chats on face book because disaster will inevitably strike, like it happened to me on Saturday.
I was chatting to three people at a go, very ambitious for me actually! While one chat was annoyed at me over an issue, I was bitching back about it on another chat. Now you know what happened don't you? Yes, I posted it public!!  An accident of course, but serves me right! I put all this person's personal information out there for the world to see, (Thankfully I got it down after 17 people saw it, but no excuses) Shame on me.
It wasn't only bad for the said person, it was very bad for me.
It dragged me back down to that awful place of nastiness. I have worked really hard on myself over the past few years to be a genuine person. Finding myself, being true to myself, taking responsibility for my actions, changing into a better mother, sister, daughter, friend.  I've been doing a good job too. I've really focused on positivity and relinquished negativities and resentments and bitterness until this moment.
Things sometimes happen for a reason and maybe it forced some issues to the surface that needed to be addressed. But it takes you back a few steps into guilt and shame and that's another thing that you now have to ask forgiveness for and to try to forgive yourself for being so imperfect.

jean murray: I knew she was dead!

jean murray: I knew she was dead!: So here's another young woman Karen Buckley now found dead in Glasgow. The young man only 21 apparently is the killer. What is wrong wit...

I knew she was dead!

So here's another young woman Karen Buckley now found dead in Glasgow. The young man only 21 apparently is the killer. What is wrong with these men? So, they want to rape, they want to control, they want to hurt, bad enough as all that is, at least the victim has a chance to recover, to live their life. But death, they can't come back from that. How much effort must it take to kill the person, surely it must cross the killer's mind during that effort, that he can stop, leave it now, walk away, take the lessor punishment that will come. But now, locked up for life, both families traumatized. But the loss of a daughter for these poor people. Who can help them live again? Free from immense pain and torment.
And that beautiful girl will never have her degree, will never have a wedding, will never be a Mother.
 Have these thoughts crossed your mind while you were squeezing the air from her lungs? Or are you too self absorbed in your own misery's to realize that not only you have problems? Everybody has problems, worries, fears, issues, even that poor young girl that you've just taken the chance of her ever working it out away from her.
It's pure selfish greed. The moment of anger, of hate, of resentment, of blame.
You fool.

jean murray: All coming at me!

jean murray: All coming at me!: I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn't slapping my face every five minutes. At 48 year...

All coming at me!

I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn't slapping my face every five minutes.
At 48 years of age, I have a full house in my home. My husband Anthony age 52, my son Anthony age 25, Catherine 32, my husband's niece, who came to live with us at age 13 when her Mam died and her Dad, my husband's brother, was suffering with alcoholism. She left us at age 20 to go and live her life, but she's back now a few month's, (I'll go into that in a minute). My second child Sarah is 19 and just finishing her first year in college and my last child Yasmin aged 10 in third class.
Oh, our three huskies, Skye, Storm and Sully!
My poor husband, God help him, is now having health difficulties. It actually started when he was only 35 when he was diagnosed with cists on his kidneys which causes blood pressure and he may need dialysis at some point in his life. Blood pressure problems inevitably lead to heart problems which is why he is now in the Mater having his heart rythem regulated. My husband's parents died when he was little, so his diet was very bad. On his own admission he lived on fried, salty, fatty foods. He began drinking alcohol at age 10 and was addicted quite quickly. He also smoked,  just in his 20's, for a few years, but also quite heavily. So, unfortunately, he's in bits.
My son Anthony left home at 18 years of age. In my book, I tell you I could see it happening, how I was losing him.  I remember how much I loved my son when he came into this world and as a child; He was such a good lad. But some how, through my own fault, (depression, bad moods, controlling parenting skills, you name it)  I lost him. Acknowledging the effects I was having on my children, I worked really hard to change and I did, I have. And he came back two years ago, to save for his future wedding next year. I am truly happy for him, his future wife is a beautiful girl. But Anthony has never recovered his bond to me. I understand, but it doesn't make it easier. To bear a son and for him not to be a son is very difficult. My son wouldn't be rude to me, or aggressive in any shape or form. He just doesn't need me or want to need me. I do accept the damage I've caused, so I ask God to help me and guide me and guide him. Of course, I'm not a saint, so I gave him a telling off last night or some home truths. Adding some more fuel to his resentment pile.
My daughter Sarah, thankfully, I got wind of the damage my parenting skills were doing and changed just in the nick of time to be better for her. But Sarah was a quite child, a pet, an angel, and I was pushy and forceful. As I say, thankfully, we went to family therapy at that point to figure things out, to learn how to do it better and Sarah is a daughter to me. She is a typical teenager in every way, but she'll talk to me, be annoyed with me, be happy with me. She had a tough year in her first year of Art college, although extremely creative, she struggles socially and it takes her a while to find her feet. She suffered severe migrains, bad skin problems, low self esteem, but her tutor is really good for her, she listens to him and learns.
My daughter Yasmin is full on; Because of her delayed mental development, I still organize her and manage her and help her with lots of stuff, even though she's 10. I don't mind doing this, Yasmin is truly meeting all of her milestones in her own pace and I am confident she will be an educated, functioning adult when her time comes. But she keeps me on my toes; No lie on, no sitting back at the swimming pool while others are washing and drying their own hair at this point and lots more things that she needs help with; But I am so grateful I can do all this with love, kindness and compassion.
Back to Catherine; Catherine left home at 20 to find herself. She found out she was gay, an alcoholic, a smoker, a drug user and depressed. And now she's found out she's pregnant!
I am of course delighted for her, because everyone deserves to know that love that is to love a child; But just when I'm thinking to myself, ok, Yasmin is nearly 11 now, I can devote a little more time to myself, my writing, my relationship with my husband, which actually takes a lot of work! Now this. I don't mind the house being filled with baby things again, but I am concerned about another baby in the house. How will Yasmin feel? Will I be able to cope with Yasmin and a baby who may or may not sleep and everything else that comes with a baby? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I can do this for Catherine. I'm scared that I will put myself last again and my kids. God knows I've little enough time for them as it is. I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm tired, I'm confused. I'm a little annoyed.
Am I being selfish?

jean murray: The nature of resentment;

jean murray: The nature of resentment;: Trying to understand why people are resentful, mmmm, I know I was resentful pre my recovery from depression. I suppose I gave myself excuses...

The nature of resentment;

Trying to understand why people are resentful, mmmm, I know I was resentful pre my recovery from depression. I suppose I gave myself excuses why I was moody or narky, I may have blamed others for my feelings of resentment towards them; The house was always messy, the bins were never put out, nobody picked up dog pooh, they were in my space in the mornings. I guess I was selfish too. I expected a lot from others. I was also negative about things. I must've worried a lot.

When God sent me my last child Yasmin after a nine year gap. I knew there was a reason he firstly gave me a nine year break, I loved my children completely, but I was only really good at one child at a time, if you know what I mean? I do actually think that's a quality of mine, instead of having three of them together with typical toddler needs that I wouldn't have been able to meet.

Secondly, Yasmin was special; She had a delayed mental development which meant she was going to have a lot of challenges learning what other kids take for granted; walking, talking, understanding, reading, counting, skipping, cycling, swimming and everything else.

Yasmin needed my full attention and she needed me at my best. So, of course, I spiralled into a downward fall. Massive depression; resentfulness, negativities, anger, fear, until of course I realized what a massive gift I had received from God. This angel, with her challenges began to teach me about determination and bravery and gratitude.

I began to change, now it took a few years, Yasmin is 10 now, but I began to be grateful for every moment of Yasmin's difficulties and strength and for my life. I saw through her eyes how difficult it was for her to overcome her challenges, but she kept on trying! Well, no more feeling sorry for myself, I got on that road with Yasmin and began to change myself.

 I had to examine my thoughts carefully. I had to accept my own responsibility for bad or negative behavior, apoligise to all and to myself and make a firm commitment not to behave in that way again. I brain washed myself and still do, into positive thinking and gratitude each day. I ask God to free my mind from negativities and resentfulness and to fill my mind with positivities and gratitude.

And I have changed. I would never have thought it was possible. I don't sit on the fence now, I practice positive thinking all the time, as soon as a negative thought comes into my mind, I hurry it out.

So, I really do understand when people are stuck. It is hard to change. And it's hard to live with. 

So how do you live with a partner that is stuck in selfishness, negativity and blame and resentment and jealousy?

There is no discussion as none of it would make any sense. 

You see, I don't need too much attention. I never did. I've never been bored, I think as a reader, you're always going to have something to do. After tending to the chores of a housewife, of course, I'm trying to be an author now, so I'm writing more than I'm reading, but I always found time to read. I love a good story that grips me and have often been lost in those stories.

I love my own company but I also love people's company; All sorts of people, so if I did have a few minutes that I should be bored, I'm not, I'll have a conversation with anyone, even my dogs;

 Ok, that's crazy now! But you know what I mean.

I am grateful for this day, I am grateful for my children, my family, my friends. I love every essense of the climates. I have chosen this path in my life.

 I will now walk on it with grace and keep myself, now that I have found myself.

jean murray: Home is where the dogs are!

jean murray: Home is where the dogs are!: You know when your teen leaves home for the first time, to go off to college, or to go traveling on  a J1? The dogs will always be there, w...

Home is where the dogs are!

You know when your teen leaves home for the first time, to go off to college, or to go traveling on  a J1?
The dogs will always be there, waiting lovingly with that knowing wag of the tail when they return as new people, new individuals who have changed from that little girl or boy who once relied on you for everything, now unsure of their role in the home; But the dog will always be ready for them, in whatever shape or form or new personality that they now have become.
The Dog will always welcome them home.
 The new adult will immediately feel at ease will a rub of the dog's coat.
 All worries discarded.

jean murray: In my quest to stay positive, I focus my brain eac...

jean murray: In my quest to stay positive, I focus my brain eac...: In my quest to stay positive, I focus my brain each morning into admiring the beauty of life that surrounds me and to be grateful for anothe...

In my quest to stay positive, I focus my brain each morning into admiring the beauty of life that surrounds me and to be grateful for another day of living. I know it's hard to get positive if you are a negative person like I was, but it can happen and it really does help. It takes a lot of work initially, but once you practice it each day, it comes easier.
I use my five senses on a basic level to help me be grateful; My eyes that I see the beauty of God's creation; My ears so that I hear the singing of the birds and the gentle or harsh blowing of the winds; My touch that I can feel the sun caressing my face; My smell that I can smell the fresh earth under my feet; My taste that I can taste the growth of the earth;
It really helps if you can get out and enjoy a walk while doing this, but if you can't, try see as much sky that you can from where ever you are.
Enjoy the innocence of children, their cries, their cuteness, their sulks, their beauty, their sleepless nights.
For it will be gone all too fast.

jean murray: Well done Fairyhouse!

jean murray: Well done Fairyhouse!: We went off to Fairyhouse Racecourse yesterday for the Grand National Day. It was the first glorious sunshiny day at easter time in years. I...

Well done Fairyhouse!

We went off to Fairyhouse Racecourse yesterday for the Grand National Day. It was the first glorious sunshiny day at easter time in years. I decided to play safe and go for all the favourites, I couldn't lose!
I placed my Euro's wisely on each horse and of course the favourites didn't win!
I knew they wouldn't. You see, when the first harsh years of the recession hit us here in Ireland in 2007, I decided I would try to win the lotto. Each week came by and I chose my numbers carefully. I counted favourite numbers with precision. I tried this for a full year before realizing that I wasn't going to win. God had a different plan for me. I knew this. I heard it in the back of my mind all the time.
He wanted me to earn my money, not win it. I firmly believe that. I felt he guided me towards writing. And of course I did start writing and I have my first book published on amazon as you know, 'My Beautiful flower'. And I am also writing other books too!
I wisely gave up on the lotto as I know that I would rather spend my few euros than lose them!
 I enjoyed the day at Fairyhouse even after losing my 2 euros on each race. It was fun because my horses were in the lead most of the time so we had a bit of excitement and a giggle when they fell behind!
I also feel sorry for the poor ole horses, there's a lot of pressure on them to win a race!
Anyway the kids also had a great day as there were lots of entertainment for them also.
Well done Fairyhouse!

jean murray: Good morning Easter!

jean murray: Good morning Easter!: It's another beautiful day of life! Thank you God! Although I'm in my kitchen and the girls are all around me driving me crazy, I&#...

Good morning Easter!

It's another beautiful day of life! Thank you God!
Although I'm in my kitchen and the girls are all around me driving me crazy, I'm aware that when they are married and gone off to lives of their own, these precious moments when they are just mine, will be gone.
 So I cherish the moment, the fuss, the mess, the demands, the noise.
My presence as the Mother, the Carer, the Nurturer, is a very important role to these kids.
I am grateful that I have found this awareness in my life at 48 years of age!
 May each day I wake, I will walk in God's footsteps of love, kindness, compassion, acceptance, respect and gratitude.