Dear Jesus
I hope this letter finds you well
I hope my Dad isn't giving you too much hassle up there
telling you how to rule the Heavens his way and all!
I hope the holes in your hands and feet haven't caused you any arthritic problems of late
As none of us are getting any younger....lol
And the one in your side must be crucifying, (No pun intended)
I want to thank you Jesus
For the lovely food and the great family gathering here in the mammy's
She's a great woman altogether
Cooking for her brood
On her dodgy knees that don't hurt
And her memory that loses count after six,
Her black roast potatoes are next to none
For sure.... lol
As I think back over the month of December
It was traumatic as ever
It was such a relief when Sarah began to eat proper food again
Her Summer in Los Angeles had her eating like the stars
and grazing like the cows
Those neighing sounds she was making were a little bit worrying
And her trotting around the back garden with the dogs
Well, that was just down-right scary....
And Poor ole Shauna
She doesn't eat at all
Well, only chipper.... but that's not really eating....
It turns out, the people in her new job don't like her at all
It's such a shame....
Yes the world has gone funny since you were here Jesus
My nephew Ryan has gone missing
the last I heard of him was he got a job in SuperValu
and he hasn't been seen since!
Elle is still working on her Santa list
and I guess she missed the deadline...
She was still trying to think what she wanted
lipstick or a sketch pad....mmmmmmmmm
It's just as well she had brothers
to nudge her into the living world....
Although Padraig is like a Vampire, he only comes out at night
He works in Bono's bar till 8am in the morning
Poor ma is worried sick that he's over worked and underpaid
And doing all that and staying sober!
Good for him Jesus!
And Pierce,
Well now that he's got rid of his Acne, he's up to all sorts!
He can shave his ten hairs off his chin
without slicing off the lumps and bleeding to death
which is such a relief to his Ma
She sobs with emotion each time she sees him now...
Bella little Bella
tall and lean
It wasn't so long ago when that little sumu wrestler
lifted those hefty legs of hers up off the ground at one year of age and began to walk!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
Her little pudding face was determined in her mission
And Finn,
He was oblivious to it all
he was still dribbling happily while looking for his tail
No Finn, you were never a puppy!
Koda,
Now there's a puppy!
Big innocent blue eyes!
sleeps in Josie's bed and pushes her out,
Tell's Becca to go walk herself
and bans Alex from entering the garden,
It's just as well Alex spends many hours in the shops
buying new runners.... lol
And what a lovely surprise to have Joe Murray arrive
with his lovely daughter Emma
It took a while for the poor little thing to acclimatise to the dull and the grey
but she soon got the hang of it
And after trying all our different sort of french fries, she found her favourite food
Thank goodness Jesus, I thought she was going to starve!
She settled for the french fries with ketchup!
So Yasmin brought her friends Kate and Robyn over for a sleep over
with her cousin Emma,
Well, this is how the night went, Yasmin was sleeping with Emma, then Emma was sleeping with Kate then Kate was sleeping with Robyn then Emma was found on the floor of her dad's room and then Robyn was sleeping with Yasmin then Yasmin was sleeping with Sarah then Kate was found in the wardrobe room....
and then Yasmin was sleeping with me and Anto and then I was on the floor and then Anto was on the sofa and Robyn had the best bed!
And then when Anto nearly burned the house down
I ended up back on the sofa again!
The wrinkles are gathering nicely around my eyes Jesus
Albeit a few years premature!
And don't even mention the toilets!
It is like a Merry Christmas indeed with me flushing each toilet in rotation
To rid them them of pooh!
And you know I don't do pooh Dear Jesus!
So now,
Thanks very much Jesus
As always
You are too kind to me indeed!
Have a very Merry Christmas!
Jean xxx
Monday 25 December 2017
Thursday 21 December 2017
Poor Little flower
It's so sad to see
A flower so fragile
Damaged
by the rugged elements of it's life
A beautiful bud
It began the world in such grace
And now
devoid of colour
fluttering petals
afraid to bloom
Did God know when he planted this flower
where it would end
Nobody to help it flourish
or Nurture it
What was his plan at all
Poor little flower
Cowering in it's little corner
So perfect in it's little form
But so untrusting
Afraid
What's for you little flower
How will you ever bloom
There in that dark corner of this beautiful world
Hidden from all to see
Your exquisite beauty
Your perfect contribution of vibrancy
Of Grace
As your beautiful petals
Dance all alone in that dark little corner
Hidden
For no-one to see
Poor little flower
How will you call out for water from the rain
And warmth from the sunshine
Little flower
How will you ever bloom
It's up to you little flower
You have to find a way
Out of the dark cold corner
Hidden
Stretch your little petals
Reach out for the rain drops
Lean as far as you can into the Sunshine
Fight for your precious life little flower
Don't be afraid to bloom
Jean xxx
A flower so fragile
Damaged
by the rugged elements of it's life
A beautiful bud
It began the world in such grace
And now
devoid of colour
fluttering petals
afraid to bloom
Did God know when he planted this flower
where it would end
Nobody to help it flourish
or Nurture it
What was his plan at all
Poor little flower
Cowering in it's little corner
So perfect in it's little form
But so untrusting
Afraid
What's for you little flower
How will you ever bloom
There in that dark corner of this beautiful world
Hidden from all to see
Your exquisite beauty
Your perfect contribution of vibrancy
Of Grace
As your beautiful petals
Dance all alone in that dark little corner
Hidden
For no-one to see
Poor little flower
How will you call out for water from the rain
And warmth from the sunshine
Little flower
How will you ever bloom
It's up to you little flower
You have to find a way
Out of the dark cold corner
Hidden
Stretch your little petals
Reach out for the rain drops
Lean as far as you can into the Sunshine
Fight for your precious life little flower
Don't be afraid to bloom
Jean xxx
Tuesday 12 December 2017
A peak into my wacky brain!
Dear friend,
I feel I owe you a bit of an explanation why I don’t go for coffee anymore,
Mine is a simple excuse,
As a one income family with two horses in livery and lessons and competitions, all my spare money is taken already,
With college fees and the girls needs, there is little room for treats for me
But I'm not complaining,
I'm glad that I can save on some of the expensive luxuries of a girls life
by doing all our own hair and manicures and pedicures!
As a hairdresser, thank goodness, I’ve got these skills!
I did bake my first ever Christmas cake this year from the Odlums recipe,
It looks ok and I hope to make my Mam and my friends their cakes too,
As with expensive riding presents for under our tree,
I can’t afford to pay at the moment for delicious ordered cakes!
You’re probably thinking I’m going with someone else, but I’m not,
I have tried other's coffee, but it’s not to my liking,
I am awfully fussy! .
Sarah does love the new designer salads in the new designer cafe's and I like to buy them for her.
I’ve had to watch Yasmins weight so I haven’t brought her to coffee shops either because she only gets the full pancakes and bacon, so avoidance is better than refusal.
I make her a nice omelette instead at home!
Because she gets her take away chips every weekend,
I’m really conscious of healthy cooking at home.
We do have a family treat of course and that’s in a restaurant where they serve my favourite beer!
It was just once a month during the recession but now it’s twice a month and sometimes once a week!
I would only get a scone and a capuchino when I went with you anyway,
so that the girls could have what they wanted,
and if I had any complaints,
it was only the scone.
A lover of scones, it was a little bit doughy and underdone,
with not much blue berries or fruit in it.
What I am I like!
But for the only treat I liked,
I wanted to enjoy it!
I just have my coffee at home now, with a couple of choc digestives 😀
I'm a funny individual
I am not a creature of habit
I can't continue regularities or rituals like most people
I like the old reliable
I love my own company where I can't make a fool of myself
I do find me strange and hard to understand at times!
I don't like to get to close to people or too depended on
As I inevitably will let them down
And then when it is discovered that I am not this really nice person
I am too embarrassed to face you again....
Jean xxx
I feel I owe you a bit of an explanation why I don’t go for coffee anymore,
Mine is a simple excuse,
As a one income family with two horses in livery and lessons and competitions, all my spare money is taken already,
With college fees and the girls needs, there is little room for treats for me
But I'm not complaining,
I'm glad that I can save on some of the expensive luxuries of a girls life
by doing all our own hair and manicures and pedicures!
As a hairdresser, thank goodness, I’ve got these skills!
I did bake my first ever Christmas cake this year from the Odlums recipe,
It looks ok and I hope to make my Mam and my friends their cakes too,
As with expensive riding presents for under our tree,
I can’t afford to pay at the moment for delicious ordered cakes!
You’re probably thinking I’m going with someone else, but I’m not,
I have tried other's coffee, but it’s not to my liking,
I am awfully fussy! .
Sarah does love the new designer salads in the new designer cafe's and I like to buy them for her.
I’ve had to watch Yasmins weight so I haven’t brought her to coffee shops either because she only gets the full pancakes and bacon, so avoidance is better than refusal.
I make her a nice omelette instead at home!
Because she gets her take away chips every weekend,
I’m really conscious of healthy cooking at home.
We do have a family treat of course and that’s in a restaurant where they serve my favourite beer!
It was just once a month during the recession but now it’s twice a month and sometimes once a week!
I would only get a scone and a capuchino when I went with you anyway,
so that the girls could have what they wanted,
and if I had any complaints,
it was only the scone.
A lover of scones, it was a little bit doughy and underdone,
with not much blue berries or fruit in it.
What I am I like!
But for the only treat I liked,
I wanted to enjoy it!
I just have my coffee at home now, with a couple of choc digestives 😀
I'm a funny individual
I am not a creature of habit
I can't continue regularities or rituals like most people
I like the old reliable
I love my own company where I can't make a fool of myself
I do find me strange and hard to understand at times!
I don't like to get to close to people or too depended on
As I inevitably will let them down
And then when it is discovered that I am not this really nice person
I am too embarrassed to face you again....
Jean xxx
Monday 11 December 2017
A letter to Joe Duffy
Dear Joe,
Just in relation to the water charges being returned. It is being requested now that we donate this money to the homeless societies, as what’s gone from our pocket already, we won’t miss.
I don’t agree. I think that during the time that people had to pay their water charges, they struggled to do so, as we were slap bang in the middle of the 2010 recession. For most people the prospect of this returned money is a welcome one.
I have huge sympathy for the homeless, but I think the onus of responsibility lies with our government to sort this mess out.
Look around Ireland, although there are wealthy people living here, there are still many, many poor people. We are mostly a working class country and it’s these working class and poor families that are rife with disfunction.
And through poverty and disfunction comes un-catered for emotional and educational needs which in turn grows dysfunctional adults who may find themselves unable to cope with the high cost of living in Ireland today.
Gone is the ability to gain a council property once you are married with children as in my parents day. The ridiculous rents and costs to buy a home is out of reach for a lot of young couples today. It's unfair of a government to expect every young couple or individual to be able to buy a average size property for 300,000 euros or rent an average size apartment in the city for 1500 euros a month.
I look at my own last child age thirteen and use her as an example as a child with a lot of learning challenges. I'm not sure she would be able to gain a working role with a high enough wage that will see her able to buy or rent a home when she gets to her mid or late twenties. This responsibility is on myself and my husband to make sure that she will be provided for.
And there are many others in this same position, who are already helping their adult children out by cooking food for them, buying clothes, giving money and providing some help in sheltering them as much as they can.
And when those parents receive their water charges back, you can be sure they are probably going to spend it on their adult children anyway.
Despite there being thousands of families homeless, there are many more thousands of families still trying to catch up on arrears and debt since the recession.
It’s unfair that these parents have to take in their adult children with partners and children. It just doesn’t work.
As a member of a large family, I have also witnessed some family members who struggled because of addiction,debt and homelessness.
And not having escaped the recession ourselves, we have had our own struggles, but being a nation of majority Catholic living with Christian values, we will always strive to help others first.
I know when I receive my water money back, I’ll be happy to share a bit of it.
There are many people who have homes who would not be able to afford many luxuries for Christmas at all, so I'll be delighted to give someone a good hamper of goodies!
The government needs to provide council homes to young single or married couples at an affordable rental cost, like they used to in the 70's.
There are so many more issues for the homeless people as well though, that housing alone won’t sort out.
They will need educational and emotional support too in order to learn the skills that will protect their own children from falling into the same difficulties that they did.
Yours sincerely
Jean
The daughter who had to leave home
This a a story about my Mother and my sister who had to emigrate to Canada six years ago.
It was the saddest day of all when my sister had to depart in the Fall of 2011,
She was one of six daughters to Marie
And Christy who sadly passed away a few short years before,
Mam loved her close family unit and when her fourteen grandchildren came along,
as close as her own brood,
She was never happier than to see them altogether
squabbling and laughing
Just like her own
Mam never had much in life
Raising her own children right slap bang in the middle of the 70’s recession
Her husband took to the drink and lost his job
He was angry and sad
My Mam was like a trojan then
What a wonderful woman who stood by her man with grace and humility
She made wonderful dinners from little
and loved and lived for her children
She was never angry or blaming
And had great faith in God!
An amazing gift she had through all of those years
Was to open the hall door on our arrival from a tough day at school,
hungry from the cold and a long wintry day,
Was to greet us always with a smile
And a bowl of stew
Our house was poor with holes in the walls from my poor Dad’s depression
And window’s were often broken
But it was always clean
And when Christmas came along there was no-one like my Dad who was in full festive cheer
He helped all the neighbours bone and roll their Turkey’s and Hams
Happily accepting a glass of Whiskey for his trouble…
He played his Christmas music on the record player for all to here
And he brought the funniest shaped Christmas tree home one year!
We all said he must have cut it down himself from some where……
But we sat around that tree and sang Christmas Carols….
And Santa brought us presents too!
But Christmas was a sad time for us too
Because of his Depression
My sister Elle was the fifth daughter for Mam
She had a beautiful soul
Never a trouble
Never bold
Kind and gentle
Adoring of her two children
I’ll never forget my mam’s face of sadness and bravery all mixed up in one,
when her beautiful child told her that she to leave her homeland for a better future for her kids….
In true mammy style
She kept her sadness to herself
Encouraging of her daughter’s new life
And silently broken as she wondered would she ever see her again…
It was tough for my sister's husband through this last recession
With the mortgage to pay and and a family to feed
He had to travel to Dublin for over an hour in the car each day
for any little work
And the diesel was huge money!
The stress in their life was great
And when they made the decision for a life where work was plenty
I’m sure she battled with it well
So, it was on the furthest western coast of Canada
Where the winters were harsh
And there would be no Mammy’s stew…..
She knew Mammy would be too scared to fly all that way too….
But sure wouldn’t they be able to get home often enough?
But not when life and work and school gets in the way
And ever increasing airfare
Well, she did get home when Mammy had an aneurysm removed from her brain a couple of years back
Just by herself
And she went back to her new home with a heavy heart
knowing Mam was getting on….
Mam's siblings are passing each year
One of which a best friend
who’s heart she held dear
Her memory had almost but forgot who my Mam was
And in my mammy’s mind, she is wondering
will this soon be her…..
So she’s throwing a feast this Christmas Day
with all the trimmings and Christmas Music to play
She wants all her brood there
to mind them and love them and feed them
and here them laughing
So that she can hold on to that memory
lest next Christmas might be different…..
I know with no doubt
that my Mam’s wish for Christmas is to bring Eleanor home
to be with her sisters
And not be alone
There in the vast country of Canada
With Hugo her husband
And Sean and Grace
To be with all their cousins
In One Happy Place!
I miss my sister and the others do too!
I would be so happy if my Mam’s wish came true!
xxx
Jean
It was the saddest day of all when my sister had to depart in the Fall of 2011,
She was one of six daughters to Marie
And Christy who sadly passed away a few short years before,
Mam loved her close family unit and when her fourteen grandchildren came along,
as close as her own brood,
She was never happier than to see them altogether
squabbling and laughing
Just like her own
Mam never had much in life
Raising her own children right slap bang in the middle of the 70’s recession
Her husband took to the drink and lost his job
He was angry and sad
My Mam was like a trojan then
What a wonderful woman who stood by her man with grace and humility
She made wonderful dinners from little
and loved and lived for her children
She was never angry or blaming
And had great faith in God!
An amazing gift she had through all of those years
Was to open the hall door on our arrival from a tough day at school,
hungry from the cold and a long wintry day,
Was to greet us always with a smile
And a bowl of stew
Our house was poor with holes in the walls from my poor Dad’s depression
And window’s were often broken
But it was always clean
And when Christmas came along there was no-one like my Dad who was in full festive cheer
He helped all the neighbours bone and roll their Turkey’s and Hams
Happily accepting a glass of Whiskey for his trouble…
He played his Christmas music on the record player for all to here
And he brought the funniest shaped Christmas tree home one year!
We all said he must have cut it down himself from some where……
But we sat around that tree and sang Christmas Carols….
And Santa brought us presents too!
But Christmas was a sad time for us too
Because of his Depression
My sister Elle was the fifth daughter for Mam
She had a beautiful soul
Never a trouble
Never bold
Kind and gentle
Adoring of her two children
I’ll never forget my mam’s face of sadness and bravery all mixed up in one,
when her beautiful child told her that she to leave her homeland for a better future for her kids….
In true mammy style
She kept her sadness to herself
Encouraging of her daughter’s new life
And silently broken as she wondered would she ever see her again…
It was tough for my sister's husband through this last recession
With the mortgage to pay and and a family to feed
He had to travel to Dublin for over an hour in the car each day
for any little work
And the diesel was huge money!
The stress in their life was great
And when they made the decision for a life where work was plenty
I’m sure she battled with it well
So, it was on the furthest western coast of Canada
Where the winters were harsh
And there would be no Mammy’s stew…..
She knew Mammy would be too scared to fly all that way too….
But sure wouldn’t they be able to get home often enough?
But not when life and work and school gets in the way
And ever increasing airfare
Well, she did get home when Mammy had an aneurysm removed from her brain a couple of years back
Just by herself
And she went back to her new home with a heavy heart
knowing Mam was getting on….
Mam's siblings are passing each year
One of which a best friend
who’s heart she held dear
Her memory had almost but forgot who my Mam was
And in my mammy’s mind, she is wondering
will this soon be her…..
So she’s throwing a feast this Christmas Day
with all the trimmings and Christmas Music to play
She wants all her brood there
to mind them and love them and feed them
and here them laughing
So that she can hold on to that memory
lest next Christmas might be different…..
I know with no doubt
that my Mam’s wish for Christmas is to bring Eleanor home
to be with her sisters
And not be alone
There in the vast country of Canada
With Hugo her husband
And Sean and Grace
To be with all their cousins
In One Happy Place!
I miss my sister and the others do too!
I would be so happy if my Mam’s wish came true!
xxx
Jean
Saturday 21 October 2017
Taking things for granted
As a child growing up through the 1970's recession, there were many hard times and there were certainly no luxuries. It was a big deal for the parents to throw you a 21st birthday party and I remember how hard it was for my Dad to get 200 pounds together to pay for my party. But I never remember wanting for anything nor feeling I was missing out on things. We were always taught, when you're earning yourself, you can buy it.
I was a young mother, so I could never really save much of my earned cash from then on as the child's needs came first. My only wish was to go on holiday every year. I loved going away to the sun and I would happily save for that, year in and year out.
My first big purchase was in 1990 when I bought a house down the road from my mam. It was a small price of 18,000 pounds and I was quite able to get together the deposit fee of 1800 pounds. The interest rate at the time was 18% and my repayments were 300 pounds per month. I had been paying 185 pounds per month for an apartment, so it wasn't much more in the difference. That was only 27 years ago and in comparison, today, a young couple must save 30,000 euros for their first deposit which is very hard to accomplish.
The house was in a very old state and needed lots of work to modernise it and yet I still remember being satisfied at it's basic state. My wants were very realistic. And I had no problem getting my hands dirty in cleaning it up and making it livable in. I think again, that coming from a very modest background, I was very grounded.
I considered myself quite fortunate to be able to get on the property ladder.
I didn't drive at the time as I lived in Dublin city within walking distance of everything so that was less expense.
I remember living within my means. I didn't look at expensive furniture or toys or clothes. One of my favourite purchases was a beautiful three, two, one suite, that I bought from my boss at the time for 200 pounds. It was of really good quality and I reckon he and his wife had done me a very kind gesture and I was very grateful.
And then that all changed in 2002 when all of a sudden we were in a position to move to a bigger house. And then we could get the nice car and go on nicer holidays and it's amazing how in such a short time, you become used to getting things when you want them and you start taking things for granted.
Everything was replaceable, it wasn't a big deal reversing your car into anything, sure it was easily fixed and sure you'd be trading it in next year anyway. And I don't think I realised that I might have begun to appear spoiled to others around me, by having new things very quickly. But what I was really doing was making things very difficult for myself in the future if anything were to go wrong.
And then the recession hit America in 2007 and we all knew it was on the way here. It hit us like a force ten hurricane in 2009. It came in fast and destroyed very quickly.
Nobody likes bad things happening to them but there are always lessons to be learned. I certainly became more frugal. There was no old food going in my bin. I became a wiser grocery shopper. Clothes were better cared for. I stayed with the same old car, it did the job just fine.
I realised the value of your life is more important
So now, in the final months of 2017, I let myself get a new car. I was very reluctant, least of all, going into payments again, but it was a real case of need.
I spent the whole of the Summer in and out of garages with one or other of our jeeps with various engine problems and I spent many times broken down on back roads with steam billowing from the bonnet of our Toyota Cruiser! At fifty, I had decided to shave my hair close to my scalp so now I had the look of a crazy woman dressed in pink gym gear, (Just in case I had an opportunity between horse shows to jog my hyper huskies ten miles or so!) I'm trying to hold back the forty stone dogs from legging it whilst unhitching the horse box in fear of the jeep blowing up and the pony being burned to death. All that and trying to be Mother of the year by not strangling my twelve year old daughter to quieten her hysterical crying!
Or sometimes I just couldn't turn off the engine of our range Rover for fear of it not starting up again, because of an alternator problem, so I would just put it into park and go off about my errands. And I can honestly tell you that there are many, many honest people in the world and one of which who kindly watched over my running jeep while I went into the Dublin Horse Show to watch 'The Aga Khan', I kid you not.
I couldn't lock it either, because if I did, that 2007 was impossible to get into if the battery died. Every Auto Assist has tried in vain. The only way is to break the window and after three times doing that, we finally got a lock smith. Yeh, we don't rush into things....
So finally last Saturday after a day driving around in the Range Rover pulling the horse box to killossory for my daughter's dressage test and show-jumping and then going to see my Mother in Dublin and all the while leaving the engine running and again, very honest people in Dublin, or else nobody was interested in taking it on!
I gave in. I went and looked for a new car.
And I love it. It's new and shiny and trendy and everything works in it!!
And I'm very appreciative of it. I know how lucky I am and I certainly won't be taking things for granted anymore.
Jean xxxx
Saturday 23 September 2017
jean murray: Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depress...
jean murray: Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depress...: I am grateful for the opportunity to write this blog this morning with information, knowledge and first hand experience of a breakdown and a...
Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depression!
I am grateful for the opportunity to write this blog this morning with information, knowledge and first hand experience of a breakdown and a recovery from Depression!
Depression in a simple description is when the brain is unable to function properly, effecting how a sufferer feels, thinks and acts. In the early stages, thoughts and emotions are erratic and a sufferer can appear sad and the body lethargic. As depression takes hold, the sufferer withdraws into one's self emotionally and is physically unable to perform the simplest of task.
Depression is a disease like any other disease in that the symptoms can be small at first and easy enough to hide but if left untreated, it will only get worse. It causes a huge amount of emotional pain to the sufferer and their family and friends. And that was me.
The first time that I mentioned to my doctor that I might have depression was twenty seven years ago, when I was twenty three. My first child was one years of age and I spent most of his first year sad and angry. Post natal depression were new words around Ireland at the time but I suspected that I might have it. I give the Doctor his due, he suggested I go down the route of self help first instead of giving me anti-depressants. He knew my history well.
I, like many other north side Dublin kids, grew up in poverty. Fear was a constant in our daily lives. Kids living in fear learn to hide their emotions from the outside world. It was hard for our parents to meet our emotional needs in the 70's. They didn't know what emotional needs were.
Poverty breathes poverty and education was basic in Catholic homes with thirteen children being the average size family. And as we all know now, education is the key in life. The more we know about issues, the more we understand them.
I had learned to hide my true feelings from even myself, so I was at least twenty years neglecting my own emotional needs at that point in my life. Eventually these emotions surface in a negative guise. 'I had reasons to be sad and angry,' The Doc had said. I needed to figure things out. He was a wise man.
I took his advice well and I was delighted to join a self help group.
I didn't think at the time how long it was going to take me to be better. I knew there wasn't going to be a quick fix though as I had been feeling low ever since puberty. Although I was still able to appear happy and even confident to the outside world.
I felt immediately comforted by the support of the group. They helped me see where I maybe needed to change a few things about me and my life in order to feel better.
So I began there. But I was a complex case. I really had no idea of the depth I needed to go to change. And even if I did figure out what I had to change, I had absolutely no idea how I would do it. I didn't really know who I was or what I was about at all.
I followed the road of self help and counselling for the next couple of decades and as my life was entwined with a husband and children, I found it was getting tougher. I could still just about do physical things, go to work, get to functions, get the kids to their school and activities but I just couldn't figure out how to meet everybody's emotional needs. That saddened me and I felt guilty. 'Why wasn't I naturally good at motherhood?' Or, 'Why did I find marriage so difficult?' And, 'How come I couldn't succeed in the workplace?' The counselling helped. She tried to get me to compartmentalise each emotion and try rationalise it out. But my brain was full of all my worries and my fears jumping around together and my constant feelings of failure and self hatred.
I finally resorted to medication when I was thirty eight. I just couldn't do it on my own. It really helped my symptoms but I knew I still had to help myself by going to counselling and doing the emotional work. But I think I stalled on working on myself at that time, because the medication was doing the job for me. After a couple of years, the Doc suggested I come off my meds, I was happy to do it. I was feeling good. But it wasn't too long before the dark clouds of negativity came back into my mind. And much worse than before.
I was working full-time, I was a mother, a wife and I was not coping with any of it. I was crying all the time. And I was hating myself more and more because I was so weak. And the guilt was bad. Don't under estimate guilt. It can be soul destroying. I constantly felt guilty for not being good at anything and with that, worry and fear were racing around my head. I didn't want to go back on medication then, I wanted to fight my depression.
I began to have panic attacks.
It still amazes me of the power of my mind. I couldn't figure out my head, so, my mind began to give my body physical signs for me to see. For me to stop everything. For me to keep on trying to figure me out! For me to get to the root of me!
My panic attacks came in the guise of paralysing feelings. My legs became numb and I couldn't move. I literally felt like I was having a stoke. And then other times, there was a massive pain in my chest that I was sure had to be a heart attack.
My mind was out of control. And I was terrified of what else it would do.
I think I might have been about a year off my meds then and I was getting worse. I didn't want to see people. I couldn't receive phone calls. I couldn't read text messages. I couldn't listen to the radio or the news. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't go to the Doctor. I was aware that I looked really bad and that maybe he would suggest hospital and I didn't want to go there and leave my kids, not for a minute. At that point depression is very visible. Your weakness is on view for all. There is it. You're the ultimate failure. You just can't cope in life. And that is not easy to admit to anyone.
I know on the TV programs, they say talk to someone, but you can't talk and rationalise what's going on in your own mind at that point to yourself never mind anyone else. You're too ill. It's not like you're a bit tearful and you can tell your best friends you're broken hearted over a failed relationship, or you lost your job, or you've gained weight, or you even have the baby blues.
This is a total different kettle of fish. And I can totally understand why a lot of people die from depression. And I don't say take their own life, because I know for sure, they are not in control of their own mind when their mind is that ill. Your mind is dying, just like a pancreatic cancer. And the symptoms spread through your body just the same. Your body becomes so weak that you can't do the simplest of chores like wash yourself. You lose your appetite just the same. You can't go outside for a little walk and fresh air, because your body is so sick. This is probably the worse type of disease in that it effects your mind and body.
I know this, because I was there. My mind was very ill. I had no idea what it was capable of.
That's why I went back on medication.
But this time it took me at least six weeks to start to feel a little better. And this time I knew I had to do the work.
I took full responsibility for my illness. I asked God to help me.
I stopped blaming myself, people and situations. I forced myself to walk. And while I walked I began to brainwash myself into positive thinking. Gratitude. Acceptance of me. Forgiveness of myself. And to like me, warts and all. Because I had hated me for a long time. I had to banish negative thinking. After a while, I felt myself finally getting better.
Life is still full of challenges, but I've learned to just focus on the day at hand. I don't compare myself or my children to others. I accept me as me and my husband as he and my children as they.
My life is where God wants me to be.
After five years on anti-depressants, I know I'm probably really ready to come off them now but I'm just not brave enough yet.
Jean xxx
Depression in a simple description is when the brain is unable to function properly, effecting how a sufferer feels, thinks and acts. In the early stages, thoughts and emotions are erratic and a sufferer can appear sad and the body lethargic. As depression takes hold, the sufferer withdraws into one's self emotionally and is physically unable to perform the simplest of task.
Depression is a disease like any other disease in that the symptoms can be small at first and easy enough to hide but if left untreated, it will only get worse. It causes a huge amount of emotional pain to the sufferer and their family and friends. And that was me.
The first time that I mentioned to my doctor that I might have depression was twenty seven years ago, when I was twenty three. My first child was one years of age and I spent most of his first year sad and angry. Post natal depression were new words around Ireland at the time but I suspected that I might have it. I give the Doctor his due, he suggested I go down the route of self help first instead of giving me anti-depressants. He knew my history well.
I, like many other north side Dublin kids, grew up in poverty. Fear was a constant in our daily lives. Kids living in fear learn to hide their emotions from the outside world. It was hard for our parents to meet our emotional needs in the 70's. They didn't know what emotional needs were.
Poverty breathes poverty and education was basic in Catholic homes with thirteen children being the average size family. And as we all know now, education is the key in life. The more we know about issues, the more we understand them.
I had learned to hide my true feelings from even myself, so I was at least twenty years neglecting my own emotional needs at that point in my life. Eventually these emotions surface in a negative guise. 'I had reasons to be sad and angry,' The Doc had said. I needed to figure things out. He was a wise man.
I took his advice well and I was delighted to join a self help group.
I didn't think at the time how long it was going to take me to be better. I knew there wasn't going to be a quick fix though as I had been feeling low ever since puberty. Although I was still able to appear happy and even confident to the outside world.
I felt immediately comforted by the support of the group. They helped me see where I maybe needed to change a few things about me and my life in order to feel better.
So I began there. But I was a complex case. I really had no idea of the depth I needed to go to change. And even if I did figure out what I had to change, I had absolutely no idea how I would do it. I didn't really know who I was or what I was about at all.
I followed the road of self help and counselling for the next couple of decades and as my life was entwined with a husband and children, I found it was getting tougher. I could still just about do physical things, go to work, get to functions, get the kids to their school and activities but I just couldn't figure out how to meet everybody's emotional needs. That saddened me and I felt guilty. 'Why wasn't I naturally good at motherhood?' Or, 'Why did I find marriage so difficult?' And, 'How come I couldn't succeed in the workplace?' The counselling helped. She tried to get me to compartmentalise each emotion and try rationalise it out. But my brain was full of all my worries and my fears jumping around together and my constant feelings of failure and self hatred.
I finally resorted to medication when I was thirty eight. I just couldn't do it on my own. It really helped my symptoms but I knew I still had to help myself by going to counselling and doing the emotional work. But I think I stalled on working on myself at that time, because the medication was doing the job for me. After a couple of years, the Doc suggested I come off my meds, I was happy to do it. I was feeling good. But it wasn't too long before the dark clouds of negativity came back into my mind. And much worse than before.
I was working full-time, I was a mother, a wife and I was not coping with any of it. I was crying all the time. And I was hating myself more and more because I was so weak. And the guilt was bad. Don't under estimate guilt. It can be soul destroying. I constantly felt guilty for not being good at anything and with that, worry and fear were racing around my head. I didn't want to go back on medication then, I wanted to fight my depression.
I began to have panic attacks.
It still amazes me of the power of my mind. I couldn't figure out my head, so, my mind began to give my body physical signs for me to see. For me to stop everything. For me to keep on trying to figure me out! For me to get to the root of me!
My panic attacks came in the guise of paralysing feelings. My legs became numb and I couldn't move. I literally felt like I was having a stoke. And then other times, there was a massive pain in my chest that I was sure had to be a heart attack.
My mind was out of control. And I was terrified of what else it would do.
I think I might have been about a year off my meds then and I was getting worse. I didn't want to see people. I couldn't receive phone calls. I couldn't read text messages. I couldn't listen to the radio or the news. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't go to the Doctor. I was aware that I looked really bad and that maybe he would suggest hospital and I didn't want to go there and leave my kids, not for a minute. At that point depression is very visible. Your weakness is on view for all. There is it. You're the ultimate failure. You just can't cope in life. And that is not easy to admit to anyone.
I know on the TV programs, they say talk to someone, but you can't talk and rationalise what's going on in your own mind at that point to yourself never mind anyone else. You're too ill. It's not like you're a bit tearful and you can tell your best friends you're broken hearted over a failed relationship, or you lost your job, or you've gained weight, or you even have the baby blues.
This is a total different kettle of fish. And I can totally understand why a lot of people die from depression. And I don't say take their own life, because I know for sure, they are not in control of their own mind when their mind is that ill. Your mind is dying, just like a pancreatic cancer. And the symptoms spread through your body just the same. Your body becomes so weak that you can't do the simplest of chores like wash yourself. You lose your appetite just the same. You can't go outside for a little walk and fresh air, because your body is so sick. This is probably the worse type of disease in that it effects your mind and body.
I know this, because I was there. My mind was very ill. I had no idea what it was capable of.
That's why I went back on medication.
But this time it took me at least six weeks to start to feel a little better. And this time I knew I had to do the work.
I took full responsibility for my illness. I asked God to help me.
I stopped blaming myself, people and situations. I forced myself to walk. And while I walked I began to brainwash myself into positive thinking. Gratitude. Acceptance of me. Forgiveness of myself. And to like me, warts and all. Because I had hated me for a long time. I had to banish negative thinking. After a while, I felt myself finally getting better.
Life is still full of challenges, but I've learned to just focus on the day at hand. I don't compare myself or my children to others. I accept me as me and my husband as he and my children as they.
My life is where God wants me to be.
After five years on anti-depressants, I know I'm probably really ready to come off them now but I'm just not brave enough yet.
Jean xxx
Thursday 14 September 2017
A different day of life!
I'm going to tell you about my day today. I think it was pretty hectic and very stressful, but you can be the judge of it really.
Some months back, I left a really good pair of riding boots belonging to Yasmin behind on one of her events. Today, I was set off to Mullingar to buy a new pair of the same pair of boots, having saved the costly amount for the lovely boots as they were also very comfortable.
I decided to bring my two huskies along for the ride as they would delight in a lovely run in Mullingar's lush fields while we were there.
I had a very busy day in store for me as I had also offered a friend some help in moving his pony to Dunleer in the afternoon ; My day was going to have to run on-time as I had to be back at my daughter's school for 3pm.
All was going to plan until we had to load the bold pony, who doesn't like to travel in horse boxes. It took a half hour of gentle persuasion to get her in;
I found my way handy enough to Piperstown, we unloaded the pony and let the woofies have another little run before I set on my way home.
Somewhere in Slane I sensed my jeep was giving me a little trouble. There were no visible signs of distress, but I suspected maybe some gear trouble as I felt it wouldn't go over second gear. It finally stalled and cut out just close to Asbourne. My phone had also died so I couldn't contact anyone. Like a crazy person, I waved down passing traffic on the lonely back road. Not fearing for my life at all, but quite concerned about my daughter's three o clock pick up, my traffic duty and my poor dogs who were quite upset in the back cab of the jeep. Oh yes, I was also quite worried that the jeep would blow up. I don't know why exactly. Isn't that what happens?
Thankfully, kind passer by's lent me their phone so that I could call my sister. And she could then call AA. Yes, I would take the help of alcoholic's anominus or drugs anominus or anyone else, because I was very thirsty and tired and border line very close to losing it. AndI was also hungry. The dogs were very stressed out too.
I was on a very skinny back road from the Snailbox, pulling a horse box, when my engine died. I then noticed smoke coming from my bonnet. Seriously Mr. God, or Mr. Devil, is there no body else you can wind up and have a laugh with? Because I am 50 and I really don't have that much time or energy to waste!!! And I am not a funny person. I don't laugh. there are very few things I find funny. Are you trying to make me laugh? So stop, it's never going to work.
Eventually, a big huge truck coming by on skinny road stopped to help. he said he had to help because he couldn't reverse and couldn't go forward, it was for his own benefit! Nevertheless it was very nice of him.
After lifting up my bonnet and checking my engine, he said it didn't look good, 'ya think!' He said I would make it to a garage in Ashbourne. I barely made it. there was smoke billowing from the bonnet and I chugged along into the garage.
I called my husband and he was adamant that I was the cause of whatever was going on with the jeep. I don't know. I thought you were able to drive a 3litre diesel engine to the normal work performance required?
Well all I know is, I'm tired. There are not enough hours in my day for the amount of things that go wrong on me. Am I born unlucky? Is there anything that I do that will eventually go right? How am I to keep picking myself up everyday and say no worries, just keep trying?
What is the point?
I guess the point is to sit down and say, 'well, there's nothing I can do about this'
Just sit there and rest. Breath. Accept. It is what it is. Sometimes that's just life. It's nobody's fault.
Was it a waste of a day? I don't think so. I picked up my daughter's boots. I walked my dogs in Mullingar and Piperstown. I helped a person out.
I sat in La Bucca with my sister's and my kids afterwards and had a few beers.
It was a different day from being a perfect day but it was still a day of life.
Jean xxx
Some months back, I left a really good pair of riding boots belonging to Yasmin behind on one of her events. Today, I was set off to Mullingar to buy a new pair of the same pair of boots, having saved the costly amount for the lovely boots as they were also very comfortable.
I decided to bring my two huskies along for the ride as they would delight in a lovely run in Mullingar's lush fields while we were there.
I had a very busy day in store for me as I had also offered a friend some help in moving his pony to Dunleer in the afternoon ; My day was going to have to run on-time as I had to be back at my daughter's school for 3pm.
All was going to plan until we had to load the bold pony, who doesn't like to travel in horse boxes. It took a half hour of gentle persuasion to get her in;
I found my way handy enough to Piperstown, we unloaded the pony and let the woofies have another little run before I set on my way home.
Somewhere in Slane I sensed my jeep was giving me a little trouble. There were no visible signs of distress, but I suspected maybe some gear trouble as I felt it wouldn't go over second gear. It finally stalled and cut out just close to Asbourne. My phone had also died so I couldn't contact anyone. Like a crazy person, I waved down passing traffic on the lonely back road. Not fearing for my life at all, but quite concerned about my daughter's three o clock pick up, my traffic duty and my poor dogs who were quite upset in the back cab of the jeep. Oh yes, I was also quite worried that the jeep would blow up. I don't know why exactly. Isn't that what happens?
Thankfully, kind passer by's lent me their phone so that I could call my sister. And she could then call AA. Yes, I would take the help of alcoholic's anominus or drugs anominus or anyone else, because I was very thirsty and tired and border line very close to losing it. AndI was also hungry. The dogs were very stressed out too.
I was on a very skinny back road from the Snailbox, pulling a horse box, when my engine died. I then noticed smoke coming from my bonnet. Seriously Mr. God, or Mr. Devil, is there no body else you can wind up and have a laugh with? Because I am 50 and I really don't have that much time or energy to waste!!! And I am not a funny person. I don't laugh. there are very few things I find funny. Are you trying to make me laugh? So stop, it's never going to work.
Eventually, a big huge truck coming by on skinny road stopped to help. he said he had to help because he couldn't reverse and couldn't go forward, it was for his own benefit! Nevertheless it was very nice of him.
After lifting up my bonnet and checking my engine, he said it didn't look good, 'ya think!' He said I would make it to a garage in Ashbourne. I barely made it. there was smoke billowing from the bonnet and I chugged along into the garage.
I called my husband and he was adamant that I was the cause of whatever was going on with the jeep. I don't know. I thought you were able to drive a 3litre diesel engine to the normal work performance required?
Well all I know is, I'm tired. There are not enough hours in my day for the amount of things that go wrong on me. Am I born unlucky? Is there anything that I do that will eventually go right? How am I to keep picking myself up everyday and say no worries, just keep trying?
What is the point?
I guess the point is to sit down and say, 'well, there's nothing I can do about this'
Just sit there and rest. Breath. Accept. It is what it is. Sometimes that's just life. It's nobody's fault.
Was it a waste of a day? I don't think so. I picked up my daughter's boots. I walked my dogs in Mullingar and Piperstown. I helped a person out.
I sat in La Bucca with my sister's and my kids afterwards and had a few beers.
It was a different day from being a perfect day but it was still a day of life.
Jean xxx
Wednesday 6 September 2017
The Mountainous Climb of Living
I haven't written too much this Summer.
I've been tired, emotionally tired.
I've been busy too with my youngest child who has just turned thirteen.
Yasmin was diagnosed with Dyspraxia at age five. It's not an obvious physical disability, although when the consultant in Drogheda hospital was explaining the condition to her interns, she said, 'Initially on examination, it can look like Cerebral Palsy because of the poor muscle tone and reflex, but the distended joints are what differentiate it.' Dyspraxia is a developmental disorder that effects Yasmin's muscle tone and strength, concentration and planning, her learning ability, her comprehension, her speech, language and her maturity. She also has a very severe sensory condition, where washing and general hygiene was torture for her; And ADHD behaviour, which causes her to be very hyper active. These things don't ever go away, we just learn to manage them.
In the early years of Yasmin's difficulties, we were very fortunate to be able to pay for lots of necessary early educational intervention. I was also an older and wiser mother, I knew I needed help and I asked for it early. I listened to the experts on how to deal with Yasmin and how to help her. It wasn't easy for Yasmin to learn to read, to write or to add and subtract, but she learned. She had about a two minute concentration level, so doing homework was a struggle for both of us! She would complain of pain in her neck and shoulders and itchiness within her skin. I would send her into the back garden for ten minute jumping breaks on our trampoline and I would make myself a cup of coffee and have a bar of chocolate to keep me going or sane!
Yasmin was very impulsive and if I took my eyes off her for one second in a shop, she would be gone or she would hurt herself. She never sat and watched TV, she would be active the whole time while at home. Most nights before bedtime, my husband would have to walk her around the village just to tire her out. She kept us all skinny! I remember one time when she was about six and she had just quietened down from a huge tantrum, (She had begun having really scary tantrums from about age one. They were from frustration and her lack of comprehension of the world around her. I had learned how to manage Yasmin's tantrums at age four. I would sit her on the bottom stair of our house for time-out. When she had calmed down, I would explain that her behaviour was unacceptable and that there was always a consequence. This was to be a great benefit for Yasmin's social interaction with her peers.) She was lying on the sofa and she said, 'Mammy, my legs and arms feel funny, it's like they are sleepy.' So although Yasmin was mentally hyper active, her muscles had poor strength because of the Dyspraxia.
If I knew nothing at all about difficulties in children, I knew exercise and activities was going to be good for them, so I had joined Yasmin in swimming from age one, which was a huge benefit. She didn't master swimming easily and it took her many years to learn, but she learned!
And when she insisted on doing pony lessons at age five because she had been brought to all her big sister's pony events, we reluctantly gave in. She fell off many, many times. But she kept on wanting to get back on and do it again!
What Dyspraxia doesn't effect in Yasmin is her motivation or her dreams. She has become a really good rider, capable of riding any pony! She will try any event to do with a pony!
I watched Yasmin all of this year train with her team mates from The Ward Union Pony Club, in preparation for the Tetrathlon Championships in Tipperary. This is a sport ran by The Irish Pony Club. It involves running, swimming, shooting and cross country eventing. It is a very challenging event for over twelve year olds. She was so excited about it. There was a smile in her eyes all Summer waiting for the weekend at the end of August to come. We had a few obstacles to start with in June with a fractured collar bone, but she was back on the pony in super quick time after three weeks, fully healed! And she was back to the training. Not a lover of running or swimming as you can imagine it takes a lot of muscle strength, she got up at the crack of dawn each morning, ready to train.
Yasmin is pretty good socially and loves being part of a team. We have a huge family so she is used to people. She has been with the same kids in school since montessori, so she feels very comfortable and can communicate well with them. But most of the time, Yasmin uses food as a social connection. When she is with her peers or at parties or occasions, she will just eat and eat. She replaces the eating with conversation that she can't have. She's pretty good at talking about ponies and horses and funny things that make her laugh, but that only lasts a short time with her friends. Although she's thirteen in age, she's a few years behind in maturity. I'm a health food advocate, so, there's only healthy food in my fridge, but I do allow her to eat the same as her friends when she's out. She is very active which keeps her weight under control and when I talk to her about food, I focus on the damage salt can do to the kidney's and what bad fats do to the heart, so as to help her make the right choices when she's older.
We had a beautiful week's holiday in the West of Ireland in August, where we cycled around The Arran Island and climbed the hills in Connemara in keeping with our fitness program for the Tetrathlon! Then our pony was off in August, so we had to look fast for a new pony!
Luckily, we found a lovely fella, a fifteen year old bay Connemara gelding, called Jack. We were good to go!
There's a lot of preparation in packing off a pony and child to a different county. It's a big task. I'm a stay at home Mam now, with only Yasmin to take care of! I commend working mother's everywhere who can manage their children in sports and work!
I checked the team times earlier that morning with my cup of coffee. My heart fell. Yasmin hadn't been placed on any of the four teams. I was sad for Yasmin. You see, Yasmin hasn't won anything in cross country this year. She hasn't had a clear either. But she has had some very good hunter trials. She has jumped fences and ditches and trunks of trees of 90 and 1m heights.
Her planning and organisation sometimes lets her down in the decision making as she approaches a fence. She knows when she comes back in where she went wrong and she is so hard on herself. Of course I tell her, you did an amazing job and what a great ride and Look how you did that this time! And she's really good, she picks herself up quickly and tries again the next time.
Now I was wondering how I would tell her this news.
On the drive down, it was just me and Yasmin, her Dad was following in his own car. After a bit, I mentioned to Yasmin that she didn't get picked to be on one of the teams, so she had to go as an individual. She was so upset. I explained to her, 'It's the same all over the world Yasmin.' I said gently. 'You kind of have to get your clears to be put on a team; Get all your dance routines right to try out for cheer leading; Or other sports; That doesn't mean that you'll never make a team. This is your first year, you've the whole season again in January. You've got showjumping season in September, your really good at that because you're doing that much longer!' So, she picked herself up again and took it on the chin.
Yasmin gave it her all in the swimming event in Kilkenny's Watershed Leisure centre and did great in the shooting too! She compared just below average to her peers and she was happy with her result. It was a decent result.
And the next morning was the cross country and Yasmin woke up with vomiting and temperatures. I gave her medicine and tried to reassure her that she would be feeling better soon, to her cries and knowing sobs. It wasn't looking good. We went to the course and Yasmin could only sleep in the back of the jeep between vomiting.
So there you go, there's only one man who knows the plan of the day and it's himself above!
When it was all over and the girls were packing up their ponies, what did my little team player do? She got up out of the jeep and went over to all her teammates individually and asked 'How did it go? and Well Done! to the clear rounds and 'That's great! to their achievements.
I was never more proud of her.
She has been a little bit sad since though. And she asked me the other night, 'Do I have Autism?' Although I have explained to her over the years in ways that she can comprehend, that everybody has different talents or difficulties, this is the first time that she has wondered out loud, 'well, what is my difference?'
So I explained to her, 'No, your difficulty is not Autism, it's Dyspraxia and that is the reason you have to work that bit harder to achieve things that others might find that bit easier.'
'OK.' She said.
And she started to giggle at a funny video on U-tube.
Jean xxx
I've been tired, emotionally tired.
I've been busy too with my youngest child who has just turned thirteen.
Yasmin was diagnosed with Dyspraxia at age five. It's not an obvious physical disability, although when the consultant in Drogheda hospital was explaining the condition to her interns, she said, 'Initially on examination, it can look like Cerebral Palsy because of the poor muscle tone and reflex, but the distended joints are what differentiate it.' Dyspraxia is a developmental disorder that effects Yasmin's muscle tone and strength, concentration and planning, her learning ability, her comprehension, her speech, language and her maturity. She also has a very severe sensory condition, where washing and general hygiene was torture for her; And ADHD behaviour, which causes her to be very hyper active. These things don't ever go away, we just learn to manage them.
In the early years of Yasmin's difficulties, we were very fortunate to be able to pay for lots of necessary early educational intervention. I was also an older and wiser mother, I knew I needed help and I asked for it early. I listened to the experts on how to deal with Yasmin and how to help her. It wasn't easy for Yasmin to learn to read, to write or to add and subtract, but she learned. She had about a two minute concentration level, so doing homework was a struggle for both of us! She would complain of pain in her neck and shoulders and itchiness within her skin. I would send her into the back garden for ten minute jumping breaks on our trampoline and I would make myself a cup of coffee and have a bar of chocolate to keep me going or sane!
Yasmin was very impulsive and if I took my eyes off her for one second in a shop, she would be gone or she would hurt herself. She never sat and watched TV, she would be active the whole time while at home. Most nights before bedtime, my husband would have to walk her around the village just to tire her out. She kept us all skinny! I remember one time when she was about six and she had just quietened down from a huge tantrum, (She had begun having really scary tantrums from about age one. They were from frustration and her lack of comprehension of the world around her. I had learned how to manage Yasmin's tantrums at age four. I would sit her on the bottom stair of our house for time-out. When she had calmed down, I would explain that her behaviour was unacceptable and that there was always a consequence. This was to be a great benefit for Yasmin's social interaction with her peers.) She was lying on the sofa and she said, 'Mammy, my legs and arms feel funny, it's like they are sleepy.' So although Yasmin was mentally hyper active, her muscles had poor strength because of the Dyspraxia.
If I knew nothing at all about difficulties in children, I knew exercise and activities was going to be good for them, so I had joined Yasmin in swimming from age one, which was a huge benefit. She didn't master swimming easily and it took her many years to learn, but she learned!
And when she insisted on doing pony lessons at age five because she had been brought to all her big sister's pony events, we reluctantly gave in. She fell off many, many times. But she kept on wanting to get back on and do it again!
What Dyspraxia doesn't effect in Yasmin is her motivation or her dreams. She has become a really good rider, capable of riding any pony! She will try any event to do with a pony!
I watched Yasmin all of this year train with her team mates from The Ward Union Pony Club, in preparation for the Tetrathlon Championships in Tipperary. This is a sport ran by The Irish Pony Club. It involves running, swimming, shooting and cross country eventing. It is a very challenging event for over twelve year olds. She was so excited about it. There was a smile in her eyes all Summer waiting for the weekend at the end of August to come. We had a few obstacles to start with in June with a fractured collar bone, but she was back on the pony in super quick time after three weeks, fully healed! And she was back to the training. Not a lover of running or swimming as you can imagine it takes a lot of muscle strength, she got up at the crack of dawn each morning, ready to train.
Yasmin is pretty good socially and loves being part of a team. We have a huge family so she is used to people. She has been with the same kids in school since montessori, so she feels very comfortable and can communicate well with them. But most of the time, Yasmin uses food as a social connection. When she is with her peers or at parties or occasions, she will just eat and eat. She replaces the eating with conversation that she can't have. She's pretty good at talking about ponies and horses and funny things that make her laugh, but that only lasts a short time with her friends. Although she's thirteen in age, she's a few years behind in maturity. I'm a health food advocate, so, there's only healthy food in my fridge, but I do allow her to eat the same as her friends when she's out. She is very active which keeps her weight under control and when I talk to her about food, I focus on the damage salt can do to the kidney's and what bad fats do to the heart, so as to help her make the right choices when she's older.
We had a beautiful week's holiday in the West of Ireland in August, where we cycled around The Arran Island and climbed the hills in Connemara in keeping with our fitness program for the Tetrathlon! Then our pony was off in August, so we had to look fast for a new pony!
Luckily, we found a lovely fella, a fifteen year old bay Connemara gelding, called Jack. We were good to go!
There's a lot of preparation in packing off a pony and child to a different county. It's a big task. I'm a stay at home Mam now, with only Yasmin to take care of! I commend working mother's everywhere who can manage their children in sports and work!
I checked the team times earlier that morning with my cup of coffee. My heart fell. Yasmin hadn't been placed on any of the four teams. I was sad for Yasmin. You see, Yasmin hasn't won anything in cross country this year. She hasn't had a clear either. But she has had some very good hunter trials. She has jumped fences and ditches and trunks of trees of 90 and 1m heights.
Her planning and organisation sometimes lets her down in the decision making as she approaches a fence. She knows when she comes back in where she went wrong and she is so hard on herself. Of course I tell her, you did an amazing job and what a great ride and Look how you did that this time! And she's really good, she picks herself up quickly and tries again the next time.
Now I was wondering how I would tell her this news.
On the drive down, it was just me and Yasmin, her Dad was following in his own car. After a bit, I mentioned to Yasmin that she didn't get picked to be on one of the teams, so she had to go as an individual. She was so upset. I explained to her, 'It's the same all over the world Yasmin.' I said gently. 'You kind of have to get your clears to be put on a team; Get all your dance routines right to try out for cheer leading; Or other sports; That doesn't mean that you'll never make a team. This is your first year, you've the whole season again in January. You've got showjumping season in September, your really good at that because you're doing that much longer!' So, she picked herself up again and took it on the chin.
Yasmin gave it her all in the swimming event in Kilkenny's Watershed Leisure centre and did great in the shooting too! She compared just below average to her peers and she was happy with her result. It was a decent result.
And the next morning was the cross country and Yasmin woke up with vomiting and temperatures. I gave her medicine and tried to reassure her that she would be feeling better soon, to her cries and knowing sobs. It wasn't looking good. We went to the course and Yasmin could only sleep in the back of the jeep between vomiting.
So there you go, there's only one man who knows the plan of the day and it's himself above!
When it was all over and the girls were packing up their ponies, what did my little team player do? She got up out of the jeep and went over to all her teammates individually and asked 'How did it go? and Well Done! to the clear rounds and 'That's great! to their achievements.
I was never more proud of her.
She has been a little bit sad since though. And she asked me the other night, 'Do I have Autism?' Although I have explained to her over the years in ways that she can comprehend, that everybody has different talents or difficulties, this is the first time that she has wondered out loud, 'well, what is my difference?'
So I explained to her, 'No, your difficulty is not Autism, it's Dyspraxia and that is the reason you have to work that bit harder to achieve things that others might find that bit easier.'
'OK.' She said.
And she started to giggle at a funny video on U-tube.
Jean xxx
Sunday 26 March 2017
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