When you first hear the news that your child will be mentally slower than their peers, your first thought is for them. Their future. Will they perform independently as an adult? How will they cope if you died while they are still children? What will be for them?
As a Parent, your last thought is for yourself. It's the greatest gift of being a parent with a child who has more needs than others. You immediately become selfless. All thoughts of how you will get through these years goes out the window and is replaced with a force from within to help your child.
Being gifted with a child with needs is a blessing. You learn so much as I'm sure all of you out there would agree, you learn to be strong. You develop this amazing patience, love, acceptance, consistency and the ability to function with little sleep.
My last child has Dyspraxia, which in her means, immaturity for her age. As her 11 year old body is growing into puberty, she is a happy six year old, horrified at the thoughts of growing up changes happening to her body and not ready to hear it!
She has lots of conditions inside that diagnosis, but one of them is ADHD. She is impulsive, excitable and hyper active. (She could have been badly behaved, but thankfully, I got some very good help with behavior when she was four and it worked really well. It's really simple, it's not accepting bad behavior from your little tots. Giving them consequences and not pushing them into situations that they are mentally not up to. And lots of praise for good behavior!)
As I got her first call (Mammy?) from her room this morning in the pitch dark, I looked to see it was 5.30am.
She's awake. She can't go back to sleep. There is a reason she awoke this morning an hour earlier than usual and it's halloween dress up day in school. She is going to be a nerd. She finally has the so wished for braces to add to her nerdity. She can't wait to dress up. And I have a lot of work ahead of me, so I may as well get up and get organized before she leaves for school.
As I was making my coffee, I thought, 'You wouldn't want to be a lazy Mum with a child like mine, nor an unfit one, nor too old.' (It doesn't mean I don't feel all of these symptoms this morning!)
My 11 year old also has sensory difficulties and this morning she's all clogged up from a cold. I begin a nasal wash with salt and water, to her dismay, but she knows it makes her feel better. She then has a good breakfast and we begin the task of washing her, hair brushing, plaiting, hair color spray, nail varnish, clothes, makeup. She needs me to help with all these things as she can't do it by herself. I am pretty good at grooming and hygene as I was a hairdresser and beauty therapist in my day, so my skills aren't lost.
In the meantime, she is so excited, she can't sit down. At this point, I can't really take my eyes off her, because anything could happen. Thankfully, it's 9am and my 20 year old daughter is dropping her to school this morning as I am not dressed and my house is now a mess.
My 11 year old doesn't need an SNA in school as she is really well behaved and they have her in a good routine, but they do watch her and keep an eye on her, so I know she's safe. I will pick her up at 3pm and she will be exhausted and sometimes deflated, if the day didn't go to plan.
As I sit here writing this with a thousands things to do today and a thousand things to worry about, all I'm feeling is blessed.
Jean xxx
Friday 23 October 2015
Sunday 11 October 2015
Social difficulties for children…...
Someone once told me that children with Dyspraxia constantly eat all the time as they never feel full. Now, this wasn't a medical opinion, it was just an observation the woman had made about a nephew of hers. Despite all of my daughter Yasmin's learning difficulties, I was worried about this the most. Yasmin did indeed want to eat a lot and I was wondering how I could prevent her from becoming obese in her life, especially when she becomes an adult.
Firstly, the least thing I could do, was make sure I cooked proper dinners at home. Yasmin thankfully likes all kinds of food, unless it's spicy, so I could easily get her to eat delicious chicken and vegetable stews and other rich and healthy vegetarian stews, with all sorts of veg. She loves salmon and steak too, so I have no excuse not to cook these foods, (when I can afford it!)
But she is like any other child too and she loves pizza, crisps, chips, sweets and soda's too. And trying to keep these in moderation is difficult, especially when Yasmin is at a social occasion, like her friends many birthday party's. Yasmin will sit at the table and eat a lot of goodies one after the other. She's not really interacting with her pals and they aren't interacting with her.
And I have discovered something. It's not that Yasmin wants to sit there and eat and not talk, it is because she can't maintain a conversation on her peer's level. She has a social immaturity. She 'fits in' as a normal 11 year old if she's munching on her food. She's busy. She doesn't have to try make a normal conversation.
And you know, this does sadden me a bit. I worry that she's being left out. Her friends are very kind to her, so I don't have to worry on that level.
So, I then have to remind myself at how well she is doing.
Thankfully, she loves the out doors and is always active, so that balances her appetite and keeps her body healthy. She loves her pony and show jumping and despite her poor muscle strength, she has achieved to get her stubborn pony to jump over the 80's course. She has a great drive. This is the good part of her ADHD diagnosis. She's very active and she's impulsive. This may prevent her from being afraid of tackling the high jumps.
She also never gives up.
Children with learning difficulties often have a difficulty in communicating their emotions; Their fears, their worries, when they are sad. They don't move into the next stage of development from childhood into emotional maturity. So when their bodies reach puberty, their minds are not ready for it.
This causes a lot of problems for young teenagers and their parents, which is why we and they have problems with the transition of secondary school.
Parents often miss the fact that their child may have a learning or social difficulty. And it's not their fault completely, especially if it is their first child. We all make more mistakes on our first child and I live to tell the tale!
I think the best lesson I learned in raising my children is to accept them for who they are. And don't push them into situations that they are not ready for. We all make the mistake of assuming our child is really assertive and well able just because they talk well and look older for their years. But if they're ten, they are only ten!
Children with social difficulties can lose their trust for their parents very quickly after just one mistake. And they will not share things with you after that. I remember I embarrassed Yasmin at age seven, by demanding why her friends wouldn't play with her!! After that everything is fine with Yasmin. She won't tell me when she's sick, feeling sad, lonely or bullied.
I've worked hard on my parenting skills since that day and I see the benefits of my now proper parenting, but it's a daily process.
Meeting the emotional needs of children is a challenging job. It's not for the faint hearted.
But it is the difference in raising a child to reach their full potential or leaving them to the difficulties of the harsh world on their own.
You may all realise this already, but these are the kids who end up suffering with depression, turning to crime/drugs and alcohol abuse.
Most of our services for children with social difficulties want to put our kids on tablets.
To calm them down.
I think the psychologists who take the time to listen to whats going on for the kids and their parents are the ones who give the correct diagnosis.
Not apposed to medication at all, but as my doctor said to me when I was 22, 'Yes, you probably do have a bit of depression, but before we go down the route of medication, lets figure it out first.'
It's a tricky one!
Jean xx
Firstly, the least thing I could do, was make sure I cooked proper dinners at home. Yasmin thankfully likes all kinds of food, unless it's spicy, so I could easily get her to eat delicious chicken and vegetable stews and other rich and healthy vegetarian stews, with all sorts of veg. She loves salmon and steak too, so I have no excuse not to cook these foods, (when I can afford it!)
But she is like any other child too and she loves pizza, crisps, chips, sweets and soda's too. And trying to keep these in moderation is difficult, especially when Yasmin is at a social occasion, like her friends many birthday party's. Yasmin will sit at the table and eat a lot of goodies one after the other. She's not really interacting with her pals and they aren't interacting with her.
And I have discovered something. It's not that Yasmin wants to sit there and eat and not talk, it is because she can't maintain a conversation on her peer's level. She has a social immaturity. She 'fits in' as a normal 11 year old if she's munching on her food. She's busy. She doesn't have to try make a normal conversation.
And you know, this does sadden me a bit. I worry that she's being left out. Her friends are very kind to her, so I don't have to worry on that level.
So, I then have to remind myself at how well she is doing.
Thankfully, she loves the out doors and is always active, so that balances her appetite and keeps her body healthy. She loves her pony and show jumping and despite her poor muscle strength, she has achieved to get her stubborn pony to jump over the 80's course. She has a great drive. This is the good part of her ADHD diagnosis. She's very active and she's impulsive. This may prevent her from being afraid of tackling the high jumps.
She also never gives up.
Children with learning difficulties often have a difficulty in communicating their emotions; Their fears, their worries, when they are sad. They don't move into the next stage of development from childhood into emotional maturity. So when their bodies reach puberty, their minds are not ready for it.
This causes a lot of problems for young teenagers and their parents, which is why we and they have problems with the transition of secondary school.
Parents often miss the fact that their child may have a learning or social difficulty. And it's not their fault completely, especially if it is their first child. We all make more mistakes on our first child and I live to tell the tale!
I think the best lesson I learned in raising my children is to accept them for who they are. And don't push them into situations that they are not ready for. We all make the mistake of assuming our child is really assertive and well able just because they talk well and look older for their years. But if they're ten, they are only ten!
Children with social difficulties can lose their trust for their parents very quickly after just one mistake. And they will not share things with you after that. I remember I embarrassed Yasmin at age seven, by demanding why her friends wouldn't play with her!! After that everything is fine with Yasmin. She won't tell me when she's sick, feeling sad, lonely or bullied.
I've worked hard on my parenting skills since that day and I see the benefits of my now proper parenting, but it's a daily process.
Meeting the emotional needs of children is a challenging job. It's not for the faint hearted.
But it is the difference in raising a child to reach their full potential or leaving them to the difficulties of the harsh world on their own.
You may all realise this already, but these are the kids who end up suffering with depression, turning to crime/drugs and alcohol abuse.
Most of our services for children with social difficulties want to put our kids on tablets.
To calm them down.
I think the psychologists who take the time to listen to whats going on for the kids and their parents are the ones who give the correct diagnosis.
Not apposed to medication at all, but as my doctor said to me when I was 22, 'Yes, you probably do have a bit of depression, but before we go down the route of medication, lets figure it out first.'
It's a tricky one!
Jean xx
Wednesday 7 October 2015
Dignity in Mental Health
How indeed do we keep our dignity while suffering a mental illness?
As a 48 year old woman who suffers from depression, I'm speaking from my own experience but I can imagine it can be somewhat like this for others too.
Depression for me began when I hit puberty, at about ten years of age. Ok, so I had a parent that was angry and aggressive due to his alcohol issue and his behaviour made me afraid. I didn't know how to deal with this fear as a child, so I hid it for the most part. I was able to go about my duties as a child with my friends and appear normal. I did cry when there were difficult times at home and I did wish I was dead by the time I was 14, and I even contemplated taking my own life then to escape the fear.
But nobody knew I was depressed, not even me. I was able to get on with things. I appeared to be a normal, happy, boisterous, teenager on the outside. I looked normal (albeit an ugly duck). I didn't look depressed. I was young. My face hadn't learned to be haggard with depression at that point in my life.
My behaviour changed dramatically after I had my first child at 22 when I was either crying inconsolably or extremely angry. I suspected I could be depressed but couldn't see that any of these emotions were related to depression. I just thought I was a horrible person. My doctor encouraged me down the road of self help, rather than medication at the time and it was the right thing to do, as I needed to learn about myself.
I worked really well in the self help program and I definitely improved. I was a very busy young woman at that time with working full time, but I seemed to be managing.
When I had my second child six years later at age 28, I again went into a depression. It was fear based. I was irrational. I spoke about a trip away to Majorca in 1996 with my husband in my book (My Beautiful Flower) without the kids, where I was convinced Saddam Hussein was going to blow up Ireland while I was gone. I still remember the two kind Scottish ladies faces when I told them, while I was waiting anxiously for the news. They must have thought I was mad!
I was full of fear. But once I was home safely in Ireland, I was able to perform again and appear to be normal to the outside world. I knew I was struggling with something inside me, but I wasn't sure what it was.
From the age of 34. I began to be less and less able to control or hide my outbursts. I found everything difficult; The workplace, my relationship with my husband and my relationships with my kids. By the time my last child came along 11 years ago, I was 38 and I knew I was suffering with depression. I couldn't function and I now had a huge hatred for myself and my face was beginning to tell the tale. I was haggard looking. I also felt physically ill and I had no interest in my appearance. Because I was aware of all this, I didn't want to see anybody, nor talk to anybody. I couldn't even face the doctor at my worst. I had to wait till my emotions recovered a bit. No matter how mentally ill I was, I couldn't go to the doctor looking and acting the way I did. (This is important because the doctor is not getting a real record of your illness, because of your infrequent visits!)
This is more common than you would imagine. The last thing any person wants to be seen as, is some mad women sobbing out of control and looking a wreck and having to sit and wait in a waiting room exposed to all.
This is the reason why doctors don't diagnose depression correctly. They misread the patient. If the patient looks presentable, it must mean they are well enough. They don't listen to the patient. They are unsympathetic to the patient. They send them home with, 'Ah you're grand' attitude. That's why sometimes patients may go and take their own life. They feel there is no help. They hate themselves. There is no escape.
I think the worst thing for us sufferers of Depression is that your personality is exposed or the very worst side of it is exposed. Despite your mental illness, you still feel embarrassment and shame. You dislike yourself. And because of the sensitivity of the nature of your illness, you're easily put off from getting help by insensitive administrators, nurses and doctors. You also have to divulge innermost thoughts to the Doctor in order to get proper help and most of us don't want to do that or can't.
Hospital staff's insensitive behaviour towards me only confirmed my feelings of unworthy-ness to myself by treating me with no dignity. I was an unworthy person. I hated myself.
My experience of these nurses and doctors would prevent me from going there for future help. And that is the pity. That will just give you an idea of how many people could be in my position......
Amazingly enough I found the ambulance men, during my spell of panic attacks, more understanding and knowledgable, so I must commend them.
I, like many others was prescribed medication, which I'm still on, but for me, it helped clear the clouds. It didn't have any nasty side effects, so it suited me. But I also had a lot of work to do on myself. I had to find my way out of the clouds completely.
I had to figure me out. I asked God for help.
I did get fantastic guidelines from one very good therapist, Linda Keen from the UK, who was in Ireland for a few years, but inevitably, I was going to have to help myself. I looked at my personality and I could see where I was letting myself down. I had to start being good to me, respect me, accept me.
I apologized to my family for the way I behaved while I was depressed and I worked hard on changing. I changed. I didn't go back to that person.
I began to practice positive thinking and gratitude. I focused on myself and released my mind from negative resentments. This really started to turn my life around. I took fresh air walks everyday and I truly felt God's guidance. I ate well and slept well.
I began to fell happy. Secure. Confidence in myself.
I am also conscious of treating people with compassion, respect and dignity.
Because I know for a fact, that it would make a huge difference to people in pain.
Jean xx
As a 48 year old woman who suffers from depression, I'm speaking from my own experience but I can imagine it can be somewhat like this for others too.
Depression for me began when I hit puberty, at about ten years of age. Ok, so I had a parent that was angry and aggressive due to his alcohol issue and his behaviour made me afraid. I didn't know how to deal with this fear as a child, so I hid it for the most part. I was able to go about my duties as a child with my friends and appear normal. I did cry when there were difficult times at home and I did wish I was dead by the time I was 14, and I even contemplated taking my own life then to escape the fear.
But nobody knew I was depressed, not even me. I was able to get on with things. I appeared to be a normal, happy, boisterous, teenager on the outside. I looked normal (albeit an ugly duck). I didn't look depressed. I was young. My face hadn't learned to be haggard with depression at that point in my life.
My behaviour changed dramatically after I had my first child at 22 when I was either crying inconsolably or extremely angry. I suspected I could be depressed but couldn't see that any of these emotions were related to depression. I just thought I was a horrible person. My doctor encouraged me down the road of self help, rather than medication at the time and it was the right thing to do, as I needed to learn about myself.
I worked really well in the self help program and I definitely improved. I was a very busy young woman at that time with working full time, but I seemed to be managing.
When I had my second child six years later at age 28, I again went into a depression. It was fear based. I was irrational. I spoke about a trip away to Majorca in 1996 with my husband in my book (My Beautiful Flower) without the kids, where I was convinced Saddam Hussein was going to blow up Ireland while I was gone. I still remember the two kind Scottish ladies faces when I told them, while I was waiting anxiously for the news. They must have thought I was mad!
I was full of fear. But once I was home safely in Ireland, I was able to perform again and appear to be normal to the outside world. I knew I was struggling with something inside me, but I wasn't sure what it was.
From the age of 34. I began to be less and less able to control or hide my outbursts. I found everything difficult; The workplace, my relationship with my husband and my relationships with my kids. By the time my last child came along 11 years ago, I was 38 and I knew I was suffering with depression. I couldn't function and I now had a huge hatred for myself and my face was beginning to tell the tale. I was haggard looking. I also felt physically ill and I had no interest in my appearance. Because I was aware of all this, I didn't want to see anybody, nor talk to anybody. I couldn't even face the doctor at my worst. I had to wait till my emotions recovered a bit. No matter how mentally ill I was, I couldn't go to the doctor looking and acting the way I did. (This is important because the doctor is not getting a real record of your illness, because of your infrequent visits!)
This is more common than you would imagine. The last thing any person wants to be seen as, is some mad women sobbing out of control and looking a wreck and having to sit and wait in a waiting room exposed to all.
This is the reason why doctors don't diagnose depression correctly. They misread the patient. If the patient looks presentable, it must mean they are well enough. They don't listen to the patient. They are unsympathetic to the patient. They send them home with, 'Ah you're grand' attitude. That's why sometimes patients may go and take their own life. They feel there is no help. They hate themselves. There is no escape.
I think the worst thing for us sufferers of Depression is that your personality is exposed or the very worst side of it is exposed. Despite your mental illness, you still feel embarrassment and shame. You dislike yourself. And because of the sensitivity of the nature of your illness, you're easily put off from getting help by insensitive administrators, nurses and doctors. You also have to divulge innermost thoughts to the Doctor in order to get proper help and most of us don't want to do that or can't.
Hospital staff's insensitive behaviour towards me only confirmed my feelings of unworthy-ness to myself by treating me with no dignity. I was an unworthy person. I hated myself.
My experience of these nurses and doctors would prevent me from going there for future help. And that is the pity. That will just give you an idea of how many people could be in my position......
Amazingly enough I found the ambulance men, during my spell of panic attacks, more understanding and knowledgable, so I must commend them.
I, like many others was prescribed medication, which I'm still on, but for me, it helped clear the clouds. It didn't have any nasty side effects, so it suited me. But I also had a lot of work to do on myself. I had to find my way out of the clouds completely.
I had to figure me out. I asked God for help.
I did get fantastic guidelines from one very good therapist, Linda Keen from the UK, who was in Ireland for a few years, but inevitably, I was going to have to help myself. I looked at my personality and I could see where I was letting myself down. I had to start being good to me, respect me, accept me.
I apologized to my family for the way I behaved while I was depressed and I worked hard on changing. I changed. I didn't go back to that person.
I began to practice positive thinking and gratitude. I focused on myself and released my mind from negative resentments. This really started to turn my life around. I took fresh air walks everyday and I truly felt God's guidance. I ate well and slept well.
I began to fell happy. Secure. Confidence in myself.
I am also conscious of treating people with compassion, respect and dignity.
Because I know for a fact, that it would make a huge difference to people in pain.
Jean xx
Friday 2 October 2015
Young killers!
Blatant Young killers are storming our television's screens daily. No country or city has escaped their brutality. They have blown up airports and planes during flights, terrifying passengers in their final moments of life. They have shot innocent people unaware of their imminent demise. They have run people over in their huge trucks like dirty cockroach's whilst all the time shooting them to make sure they have not survived.
They are able to get their weapons easily and their qualification to shoot, but it's the complexity of these young killers minds that gives them the justification to kill another human being that is so scary. Their lack of conscience. Because this young breed of men can end the world with their plague should they choose. And like any terminating disease, it's almost impossible to find the source.
How are these young men attracted to the killing organizations that justify their murderous actions?
The human being's weakness is security, inclusion. And the leaders of these organizations know what type of young man to target and how. It's almost as simple as luring a child with sweets. They pull these young men in with complements and promises of success, while gently brainwashing them in the process. Brainwashing is a way of changing one's mind. It doesn't need to be drug induced to do so, or bashing a person's head in. On the contrary, it's working on a mind that may have some belief or awareness of a certain plight and then filling it with reassurances and examples.
So, before they know it, these young men are in too deep and they can't escape even if they wanted to. They are sent on a killing spree with bombs tied around their waste waiting to detonate. For someone else's hate.
The leaders of that hatred will not put their face's nor bodies in the firing line, for fear of recognition.
There will be no dying young for them.
The ownership of power soon leaves the young man's face as realization dawns on him.
But then it's too late for all.
Jean xxx
They are able to get their weapons easily and their qualification to shoot, but it's the complexity of these young killers minds that gives them the justification to kill another human being that is so scary. Their lack of conscience. Because this young breed of men can end the world with their plague should they choose. And like any terminating disease, it's almost impossible to find the source.
How are these young men attracted to the killing organizations that justify their murderous actions?
The human being's weakness is security, inclusion. And the leaders of these organizations know what type of young man to target and how. It's almost as simple as luring a child with sweets. They pull these young men in with complements and promises of success, while gently brainwashing them in the process. Brainwashing is a way of changing one's mind. It doesn't need to be drug induced to do so, or bashing a person's head in. On the contrary, it's working on a mind that may have some belief or awareness of a certain plight and then filling it with reassurances and examples.
So, before they know it, these young men are in too deep and they can't escape even if they wanted to. They are sent on a killing spree with bombs tied around their waste waiting to detonate. For someone else's hate.
The leaders of that hatred will not put their face's nor bodies in the firing line, for fear of recognition.
There will be no dying young for them.
The ownership of power soon leaves the young man's face as realization dawns on him.
But then it's too late for all.
Jean xxx
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