I'm low this morning.
Physically, I feel unable to do anything.
My mind is tired.
Figuring out why I feel low, I am going through the pieces in my mind.
Why I am tired? Am I eating enough? Am I sleeping enough? What are my responsibilities of the day? Yes I've a lot to do as a stay at home Mam, but what does this really mean? Besides the usually housework and bill paying and dog-walking, horses and never mind the poor neglected husband......
Lets start with Yasmin, the main focus of my mind and my last child aged fourteen and who I still refer to as my little pet. She's a great girl. She has a delayed mental development and has to work extremely hard in anything she does. And she is a hard worker, there is no doubt in my mind.
But I am her organiser and planner. Her physical assistant, her emotional couch, her resource teacher at home in helping her do her homework.
And it's a lot of work.
Yasmin has just started secondary school and I need to be on top of my game to be on top of all her work. So I basically turn into Yasmin's teacher at home. We read through each subject's exercise for that day and we do the homework involved.
Yasmin's brain is like scrambled nerve endings. Her processing of information has to travel a lot in order to reach it's area of figuring out. And she doesn't like to do it. For her, it's like Chinese torture.
But it can be done and Yasmin can learn. I'm reminded of that in the early years of primary school. It was so difficult for her to learn her letters and her numbers. It was so difficult to learn to count and to learn to do words. And it was so difficult for Yasmin to learn to read, but Yasmin learned to do all of these things. It just took taking things slowly and constant repeating and constant going over what she learned until it stayed inside her brain. I remember I had to give her constant breaks every five minutes on the trampoline in order for her to be able to sit and try to learn her letters and her numbers. I had to drink many cups of coffee and a few glasses of wine!
And I had lots of outside help as well who reinforced all of this learning.
And I can proudly tell you that Yasmin can read very well today.
She's not a lover of it, as for her, it's like reading it from Russian and speaking it as English. She still has to unscramble it, but she can do it.
So now, because of the content of reading involved in secondary school and now that Yasmin is a teenager, she's trying to figure out ways of avoiding all of this work. So, my reinforcement has to be stronger now. I can now understand how difficult it is for other parents who don't know how to help their children in secondary school, or how they would find the time, especially if they are working and especially if they have other children, but I also understand, it is so important, now more than ever to find the time and the energy to help Yasmin.
But the benefits are huge. Yasmin is settling in well in secondary school because, she knows she has her homework completed well and she knows she has an idea of what the topic is about. And she may feel a little bit confident that she might know the answer if asked.
Her folders are all packed in class order. She is organised.
And although she still has her sensory condition and still hates water, she has learned to wash herself properly in the morning (with me sending her back into the bathroom if she's not!) so that she looks and smells clean. So, she is fitting in. She is appearing to be the same as everybody else and she is quite content going into school each morning knowing this. Because the most important thing for teenagers is to be the same as everyone else. They don't want to stand out in the crowd for being different in any way.
So, I can take a deep breath when I drop her off.
You know, as I'm reading this, I begin to feel a little bit better in that things are ok.
I know I've been worrying about whether I am doing enough to help Yasmin and am I strong enough to keep going for her and that is a big worry.
So I'm going to practice what I preach and bring it back down to the moment in time and to try stay in the present and realise that for today I am doing everything I can.
And I am going to slow myself down today and do the things I have to do, like pay by bills and go see my mother.
Thank you readers out there who inspired me this morning to share with you my mental wellbeing and for re-wakening in me the positivities of life and struggle.
I love this quote of Aristotle, 'We are what we repeatedly do, Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.'
And I remind myself and my daughter of this every day.
Jean xxxx
Thursday 20 September 2018
Monday 27 August 2018
Following Love
I remember it clearly, that September night in 1979, when our Mam and Dad woke us up at 3am in the morning to go and see Pope John Paul 11 in The Phoenix Park, Dublin.
We were very lucky to live in Cabra so we didn't have that far to walk.
Mam packed the picnic and she and Dad proudly shuffled their six children out through the front door and made the 5K walk through Finbar road, Fausaugh avenue and Nephin road with all of their neighbours and all of their children, entering into the park through the Navan road gates.
It was an exciting time. We were going to see the leader of our Catholic Church. The person that was closest to God. The person that God sent all his instructions to, down from Heaven. There were droves of people in their hundredths and their thousandths.
I remember feeling the emotion as we all walked sleepily almost silently with just the gentle sounds of the pattering of feet on pavements. This overwhelming gathering of people who were poor in pocket but rich in soul. We were a community of people, united in our support for each other.
As a twelve year old child, I was unaware of the devastation that had happened and was still happening inside the walls of Catholic institutions.
Yes, as a pupil in a primary Catholic school were slapping was an allowed discipline that I received when I was cheeky, I never felt it was done in vengeance. I was never slapped in secondary school, and I was much bolder!
My Dad of course had a different experience in school where the boys were beaten viciously and it had left a deep resentment within his bones.
However, he followed the rules of his faith and he still raised us to believe in God and to respect our faith. So he was proud to be showing his Pope his beautiful six daughters. He was doing his best as a Catholic husband and father. As a wife and a parent myself now, I understand all too well the challenges that life throws at you and I understand why my parents and the many others went to the park on that night, they were looking for help and guidance and affirmation of their faith.
I don't of course remember anything the Pope said but I do remember the sense of belonging and warmth in the crowd.
And the love. I remember the overwhelming sense of love.
There has been lots of change in Ireland in the last thirty nine years. And one of the major factors of change in Ireland in those past years was the opportunity for poor people to go further in education. The young children were staying longer in schools. They stayed to do junior cert and then they stayed to do leaving cert. And then they began to apply for third level education. Older people were returning to school to get their leaving cert and then applying as mature students to go to college. Educated people gain knowledge. Yes the knowledge of new skills but also the knowledge of right and wrong. Our Catholic people began to realise that they had been wronged and hurt. And they were hurt really badly by the leaders of their Catholic Church who had been abusing their power and using their status to control and hurt vulnerable people.
There was anguish and anger among the people and it caused many people to lose faith in their church. They were disillusioned by God. Were was he in their times of need?
These were not good times. Of course, not every leader or priest or nun in the Catholic Church abused their power, yet they were all tarnished. But these priests were working hard at trying to keep the people in Mass. They were speaking words of forgiveness. They were talking of human error. We all make mistakes but we learn from our mistakes and we change and we become stronger, better at what we do. They brought in words like gratitude. Lets be grateful for this new day of life. It is a wonderful gift. They were no longer using words like obey or should do.
When my sister announced a few weeks ago that she had tickets for The Phoenix Park for Sunday the 28th August 2018 to see Pope Francis, I was already planning my picnic. I wanted to give my children that same experience that I had all those years ago.
This time, because everybody's drives now, the Police had closed off all the city to cars. There was no way in or out, unless you walked. There was an air of excitement as we headed into Cabra to my Ma's house on Carnlough road. Sadly Dad passed away a few years ago, but Mam was all ready to go. She too had fond memories of bringing her children to see the last Pope and she was delighted to be bringing her Grandchildren. We borrowed a wheelchair for Mam because her knees are not the best and we began that same walk through the roads of Cabra to see our Pope. We chatted and we giggled on our way. We took turns in pushing the wheelchair and laughed at the young teenagers who were already tiring of the walk a few hundred yards on. We cajoled with the other walkers along the way, although it wasn't as many as the last time, there was that lovely feeling in the air.
We entered the Park and were met by the many thousands of people coming from various entry points and we were guided by speaker to our area of colour. All you could see were smiles and warmth on their faces. They were carrying little children on their shoulders and had satchels on their backs filled with picnic delights. Some carried chairs and had already stopped on the sideways to have a bit of their picnic. There were people of all nationalities, the new part of our Irish family. There was an amazing comradeship among the masses. Nobody pushing or shoving through the crowd or moans about skipping the queues. Everybody was courteous to everybody. We were all there for the same reason. We were following love and goodness and compassion and forgiveness. We wanted to be reminded of these words. And I had heard Pope Francis speak in Croke Park on the TV and in Knock that morning and his words were worth listening to.
I was proud to watch our young soldiers helping people with their wheelchairs get over the mucky paths and our many young policemen helping direct the people. They had that old-fashioned good manners, it was lovely to see our young people show this respect to the elderly and the weak. Some were recording the scene on their phones, thousands of people walking in peace. A scene to behold.
We finally got to our spot. We had a good view, two paddocks down from the front. There were plenty of TV screens lest we couldn't see our Pope too clearly.
We quickly got down to business and opened up our picnics, sharing our sambo's to all. There were cakes, chocolate bars and fizzy drinks. Gone was the diet of the day!
The kids begged nanny for a chance in the wheelchair and she gave in! The divils!
And then the Pope arrived in his Pope mobile and the crowds cheered. The music that the Orchestra played was almost angelic in the wind. Pope Francis made his way through the columns to bless all of the men, women and children.
In the confusion the people weren't sure which area he was coming to first, so the thousands of people started running to find him. It was so funny. Everyone was laughing, nobody was pushing or shoving. My thirteen year old daughter was recording us running towards the Pope. And the smile on his face when we finally caught up with him as he blessed us all and the smile on my daughter's face as we stored this memory and everybody there was smiling too. And I realised that all of us masses of people were there for this one thing, Love. So that we can store the love and speed the love.
This is our faith. It doesn't matter what religion you follow, if your leader of faith teaches Kindness, Compassion and Forgiveness and Gratitude, well then he's worth a hearing.
The procession of priests in their lime green assisted Pope Francis onto the alter where he began mass . My Ma was just delighted to be receiving mass from Pope Francis and even said she wouldn't mind going to Rome to see him again. (And Ma is not one for travelling!)
When it was time for 'Peace be with you', we shook hands with everybody we could. There was our usual shyness of displays of emotion but an overwhelming sense of peace and quiet in the crowd.
And the finale of it all was The Pope's Blessing.
It was certainly worth coming to here this man speak new words of apology, shame, regret in the Catholic Church but also of change and non judgement of others and forgiveness and gratitude.
Well done Pope Francis!
Jean xxx
We were very lucky to live in Cabra so we didn't have that far to walk.
Mam packed the picnic and she and Dad proudly shuffled their six children out through the front door and made the 5K walk through Finbar road, Fausaugh avenue and Nephin road with all of their neighbours and all of their children, entering into the park through the Navan road gates.
It was an exciting time. We were going to see the leader of our Catholic Church. The person that was closest to God. The person that God sent all his instructions to, down from Heaven. There were droves of people in their hundredths and their thousandths.
I remember feeling the emotion as we all walked sleepily almost silently with just the gentle sounds of the pattering of feet on pavements. This overwhelming gathering of people who were poor in pocket but rich in soul. We were a community of people, united in our support for each other.
As a twelve year old child, I was unaware of the devastation that had happened and was still happening inside the walls of Catholic institutions.
Yes, as a pupil in a primary Catholic school were slapping was an allowed discipline that I received when I was cheeky, I never felt it was done in vengeance. I was never slapped in secondary school, and I was much bolder!
My Dad of course had a different experience in school where the boys were beaten viciously and it had left a deep resentment within his bones.
However, he followed the rules of his faith and he still raised us to believe in God and to respect our faith. So he was proud to be showing his Pope his beautiful six daughters. He was doing his best as a Catholic husband and father. As a wife and a parent myself now, I understand all too well the challenges that life throws at you and I understand why my parents and the many others went to the park on that night, they were looking for help and guidance and affirmation of their faith.
I don't of course remember anything the Pope said but I do remember the sense of belonging and warmth in the crowd.
And the love. I remember the overwhelming sense of love.
There has been lots of change in Ireland in the last thirty nine years. And one of the major factors of change in Ireland in those past years was the opportunity for poor people to go further in education. The young children were staying longer in schools. They stayed to do junior cert and then they stayed to do leaving cert. And then they began to apply for third level education. Older people were returning to school to get their leaving cert and then applying as mature students to go to college. Educated people gain knowledge. Yes the knowledge of new skills but also the knowledge of right and wrong. Our Catholic people began to realise that they had been wronged and hurt. And they were hurt really badly by the leaders of their Catholic Church who had been abusing their power and using their status to control and hurt vulnerable people.
There was anguish and anger among the people and it caused many people to lose faith in their church. They were disillusioned by God. Were was he in their times of need?
These were not good times. Of course, not every leader or priest or nun in the Catholic Church abused their power, yet they were all tarnished. But these priests were working hard at trying to keep the people in Mass. They were speaking words of forgiveness. They were talking of human error. We all make mistakes but we learn from our mistakes and we change and we become stronger, better at what we do. They brought in words like gratitude. Lets be grateful for this new day of life. It is a wonderful gift. They were no longer using words like obey or should do.
When my sister announced a few weeks ago that she had tickets for The Phoenix Park for Sunday the 28th August 2018 to see Pope Francis, I was already planning my picnic. I wanted to give my children that same experience that I had all those years ago.
This time, because everybody's drives now, the Police had closed off all the city to cars. There was no way in or out, unless you walked. There was an air of excitement as we headed into Cabra to my Ma's house on Carnlough road. Sadly Dad passed away a few years ago, but Mam was all ready to go. She too had fond memories of bringing her children to see the last Pope and she was delighted to be bringing her Grandchildren. We borrowed a wheelchair for Mam because her knees are not the best and we began that same walk through the roads of Cabra to see our Pope. We chatted and we giggled on our way. We took turns in pushing the wheelchair and laughed at the young teenagers who were already tiring of the walk a few hundred yards on. We cajoled with the other walkers along the way, although it wasn't as many as the last time, there was that lovely feeling in the air.
We entered the Park and were met by the many thousands of people coming from various entry points and we were guided by speaker to our area of colour. All you could see were smiles and warmth on their faces. They were carrying little children on their shoulders and had satchels on their backs filled with picnic delights. Some carried chairs and had already stopped on the sideways to have a bit of their picnic. There were people of all nationalities, the new part of our Irish family. There was an amazing comradeship among the masses. Nobody pushing or shoving through the crowd or moans about skipping the queues. Everybody was courteous to everybody. We were all there for the same reason. We were following love and goodness and compassion and forgiveness. We wanted to be reminded of these words. And I had heard Pope Francis speak in Croke Park on the TV and in Knock that morning and his words were worth listening to.
I was proud to watch our young soldiers helping people with their wheelchairs get over the mucky paths and our many young policemen helping direct the people. They had that old-fashioned good manners, it was lovely to see our young people show this respect to the elderly and the weak. Some were recording the scene on their phones, thousands of people walking in peace. A scene to behold.
We finally got to our spot. We had a good view, two paddocks down from the front. There were plenty of TV screens lest we couldn't see our Pope too clearly.
We quickly got down to business and opened up our picnics, sharing our sambo's to all. There were cakes, chocolate bars and fizzy drinks. Gone was the diet of the day!
The kids begged nanny for a chance in the wheelchair and she gave in! The divils!
And then the Pope arrived in his Pope mobile and the crowds cheered. The music that the Orchestra played was almost angelic in the wind. Pope Francis made his way through the columns to bless all of the men, women and children.
In the confusion the people weren't sure which area he was coming to first, so the thousands of people started running to find him. It was so funny. Everyone was laughing, nobody was pushing or shoving. My thirteen year old daughter was recording us running towards the Pope. And the smile on his face when we finally caught up with him as he blessed us all and the smile on my daughter's face as we stored this memory and everybody there was smiling too. And I realised that all of us masses of people were there for this one thing, Love. So that we can store the love and speed the love.
This is our faith. It doesn't matter what religion you follow, if your leader of faith teaches Kindness, Compassion and Forgiveness and Gratitude, well then he's worth a hearing.
The procession of priests in their lime green assisted Pope Francis onto the alter where he began mass . My Ma was just delighted to be receiving mass from Pope Francis and even said she wouldn't mind going to Rome to see him again. (And Ma is not one for travelling!)
When it was time for 'Peace be with you', we shook hands with everybody we could. There was our usual shyness of displays of emotion but an overwhelming sense of peace and quiet in the crowd.
And the finale of it all was The Pope's Blessing.
It was certainly worth coming to here this man speak new words of apology, shame, regret in the Catholic Church but also of change and non judgement of others and forgiveness and gratitude.
Well done Pope Francis!
Jean xxx
Wednesday 25 July 2018
Thank You Teachers
I had no doubt at all some eight years ago,
When I dropped my little petal into the front doors
of Rathbeggan National School,
We were welcomed with warmth and smiling, confident faces,
I knew this meadow, full of many fragrant blossoms
could nurture my beautiful flower also,
Settling in those first couple of years,
learning how to learn
And learning how to make friends
Was challenging for my little flower,
But despite the windstorms and hail,
She was held tight by the strong branches
Of this lovely orchard
And a difficult task to these wonderful teachers
Who dedicate their time and knowledge and kindness
To educate and teach my flower the ways of the meadow of life
Of how to grow strong and how to grow safe
Among the cascading flowers of this beautiful World
That God created
Then slowly and consistently,
My flower began to grow
Her petals began to flourish and blossom
With wonderful vibrant colours of knowledge
Encouraged to run, encouraged to race
Encouraged to sing and encouraged to have fun!
Encouraged to live this wonderful life with confidence!
I came back these past days to collect my little flower
To take her on to the next meadow of life
And I cannot believe my eyes
Her petals are strong and
Sparkling in colour
Who is this beauty?
And how did this happen?
My heart is full of gratitude to this meadow
The strength of your trees and your branches
That hold on to each and every petal
And take care of them
With borrowed time
But she will take this family with her
As she grows
And the foundations of growth that she has gained from your meadow
will guide her always
In her own garden
Of this beautiful life
Thank you all xxxx
Jean Murray
Tuesday 20 February 2018
Life gets in the way
Your first moment of looking at your beautiful new born baby is precious. Your child is perfect in it's innocence. It has no worries, no issues. It's not capable of hatred or evil. It's only ability is to love and be loved. You promise to love and raise your child in that ethos.
But then life gets in the way.
As a mother who developed depression as soon as my first child was born, I stupidly thought my child wouldn't be effected by my moods. What must it have been like as a baby to here your mother crying or shouting in frustration or just being sad all the time. He must have been so scared and so sad himself. He was a sensitive lad. He learned not to upset me. And then he grew away from me.
I thought I did it better on my second child, I thought I hid my anguish well, but I didn't. She saw my sadness too and she learned to hide her emotions completely. And the poor little pet had her little worries and fears, but she never told me about them. She didn't want to upset me, so she buried them. But emotions and feelings need to be expressed and if they're suppressed they do their own bit of damage..... Oh if I could only turn the clock back, I would do it so differently. I would know how to be a proper mother. I wouldn't carry as much guilt.
Why didn't I know how to be a good mother? I remember asking myself that question time and time again. It felt like such a hard job. Not the general caring for the babies, but the crying and upsets. The eating problems and the toilet training accidents. I was way out of my depth. The no sleep is a big thing I know, but no excuse for anger. I felt incapable.
When my last child came along, I went and got help for my depression and I realised I had to be a better mother. I needed to listen to my children's emotional needs and react accordingly.
I know now how to be a proper mother. Well, I'm not a super mom or anything, but I now know how to meet my children's emotional needs. By listening and dealing with things slowly.
Because that little innocent bundle of love that is as absorbent as a sponge is witness to you. Your life's issues, your pain, your sadness, your loss.
And as your little child grows, it grows in fear. It's education is marred by worry and anxiety. It learns that the world is a scary place.
jean xxx
But then life gets in the way.
As a mother who developed depression as soon as my first child was born, I stupidly thought my child wouldn't be effected by my moods. What must it have been like as a baby to here your mother crying or shouting in frustration or just being sad all the time. He must have been so scared and so sad himself. He was a sensitive lad. He learned not to upset me. And then he grew away from me.
I thought I did it better on my second child, I thought I hid my anguish well, but I didn't. She saw my sadness too and she learned to hide her emotions completely. And the poor little pet had her little worries and fears, but she never told me about them. She didn't want to upset me, so she buried them. But emotions and feelings need to be expressed and if they're suppressed they do their own bit of damage..... Oh if I could only turn the clock back, I would do it so differently. I would know how to be a proper mother. I wouldn't carry as much guilt.
Why didn't I know how to be a good mother? I remember asking myself that question time and time again. It felt like such a hard job. Not the general caring for the babies, but the crying and upsets. The eating problems and the toilet training accidents. I was way out of my depth. The no sleep is a big thing I know, but no excuse for anger. I felt incapable.
When my last child came along, I went and got help for my depression and I realised I had to be a better mother. I needed to listen to my children's emotional needs and react accordingly.
I know now how to be a proper mother. Well, I'm not a super mom or anything, but I now know how to meet my children's emotional needs. By listening and dealing with things slowly.
Because that little innocent bundle of love that is as absorbent as a sponge is witness to you. Your life's issues, your pain, your sadness, your loss.
And as your little child grows, it grows in fear. It's education is marred by worry and anxiety. It learns that the world is a scary place.
jean xxx
Thursday 11 January 2018
Just Fitting In!
So,
After Christmas, I felt my button on my jeans feel a little tight. I didn't weigh myself to see what the Christmas damage had been, but I knew all the extra eating and drinking and lack of good exercise was bound to have a negative effect on me to say the least!
So after all the Irish festivities, my new year's resolution began on the 8th January!
Yes, it was going to be dry January for me! No alcohol! I'm also cutting down on fat in my diet and focusing on cleansing my gut of all the built up toxins.
So, for me it's going to be a lot of fibre in my plan, with plenty of water, and smoothies and vegetables with lots of good long walks with my two huskies!
And positive brain washing!
I started my day giving thanks
Dear God,
I have everything I need today,
My children are nourished and warm,
My bills are paid,
Myself and my family are healthy today!
Thank you Lord!
It's all about living just in today and not worrying about tomorrow!
Ok, so just to give you an update on what I ate today! So, for breakfast, a pint of hot water with 1/4 squeezed orange juice, 1/2 bowl of albran and almond milk.
Mid morn I had a pint of warm water with a beroca with my lexopro as you need to B vitamins when you’re on anti depressants.
(Also, more than 2 cups of coffee a day depletes your anti depressant!)
For lunch I had two slices of light whole meal toast, a sliver of butter and a chopped banana; a cup of tea.
After I walked the dogs I had a pint of hot water.
Because of my light lunch, I gave myself a treat of a capuchino and a small bar of dairy milk choc.
And for my dinner, I had my chick pea and lots of vegetables stew with two slices of light whole meal bread!
I’ll be washing that down with a pint of hot water, which will make that my 4th pint of water today!
Knowing me, I’ll be hungry later on, so I’ll snack on celery and apples tonight!
😀
Jean xxx
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