When I had my first child, Anthony, I was 22 years of age. I loved him as any first time Mammy will know, with absolute conviction. But because my little angel was a typical baby, sleep deprivation soon wised me up on the delights of motherhood and I knew that I couldn't have another one till this one was grown up, well at least a bit grown up. That's why I chose to wait six years before Sarah came along and then nine more years before Yasmin came along. Besides my own personal problems, (I suspected I suffered with post natal depression then and I knew that my mental state wouldn't be able for the extra stress that babies together would bring) this all seemed to work out well for the children. They were all loving children and because of the gaps, there weren't the usual scraps that often happen with children closer in age.
Then a couple of years into my bliss, when Yasmin was three, Sarah was twelve and Anthony was eighteen years of age, things got a bit hectic. Yasmin had pretty scary tantrums, Sarah had started puberty and Anthony wanted to leave school before his final exams. All of a sudden I thought, 'Hang on a minute, these gaps maybe weren't such a good idea after all!' And so began a few years of emotional roller coaster rides in my life and believe me, I had never been on a roller coaster before, I like to play safe and be in control. (I was a bit of a control freak and that was another of my problems...)
I had to then learn how to deal with each child's individual emotional needs. It was a hugely difficult challenge for me but I can honestly say, I'd rather have gone through the pain to learn and change and to listen and to have the relationship I have with my children today than not to have faced it.
Of course, life isn't all made out of happy endings and my son was already eighteen and left home before I began to learn. But, he's a good lad and I welcomed a second chance when he moved back home a year ago so that he could save and marry his lovely girlfriend Sally.
I still have to work on my relationship with Anthony. It may never be what it should have been, but at least it will be now based on acceptance and gratitude.
So here I am at 48 years of age. My son to be married April 2016, a daughter just gone off on her first J1 visa, my little angel from heaven Yasmin, who has her own challenges with Dyspraxia, (but she's my inspiration because she never gives up trying!) Then throw into the mix, my husband's niece who arrives needing a home and support till she has her baby in December.
To be honest, it felt like I had just found out I was pregnant again (Remember my post natal depression!) and I was traumatized. It's just that I know this girls isn't very independent (Not because she isn't a beautiful girl and would love to be a beautiful mother and I'm sure she would be if she tackled her alcoholism!) But there you have it. The baby on my doorstep is more real than you would think as her own parents sadly died quite young.
I was very annoyed at my husband because he didn't see my problem or couldn't understand it either way. I have always carried on and got on with my load and what's different now?
Well, what's different now is that I now know me and I know what I'm capable of doing. I know my limitations. I'm not going to just jump in and say, 'Hey! I can do this, I am invincible!'
Because now I know I like my sleep, now I know Yasmin needs my undivided attention, now I know marriage takes work, now I know relationships with my children takes work, now I know I want to write and that takes time, now I know I like walking my three huskies and that takes time. I like meeting my friends for coffee and that takes time.
Anyway, I have asked God to guide me and I know I can make my own choices with his support, but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I put this woman from my door at this time. And that would do more harm for my mental state.
So, I pray for my strength to carry on with acceptance and respect.
Tuesday 26 May 2015
Sunday 24 May 2015
Us Irish Mothers!
As I prepare for my 19 year old daughter to go off on a J1 visa this Tuesday 26th May, I find myself going through another milestone.
My little girl is growing up and it came in too fast! But I'm happy in the knowledge that Sarah is ready to do this. She has grown into a beautiful young lady. She has worked hard in her first year in Art college and in her part time job at Broadmeadows equestrian centre. She showed commitment and dedication and I really think her choice in sport and hobby of horse riding has taught her a great work ethic. As over the years Sarah has had to rise early at 5am each morning in the pitch dark of cold winters to the sunny bright days of summer to prepare her horse for shows and competitions. It also taught her a respect for animals and people alike.
Sarah gained a few little fans in Broadmeadows from the little girls she taught in lessons including her own sister Yasmin, whom Sarah spent a lot of extra time helping her in the last couple of weeks because she is going to miss her little annoying sister more than she thinks.
Yasmin will also miss Sarah a lot as Yasmin really looks up to Sarah.
This has all helped Sarah gain some life experiences that will help her in her new job in Busch Gardens in Virginia where I know she and her new pal Aisling will fit in just fine!
We went through the USIT visa program for Sarah because we wanted some structure as this is her first time to go it alone. Although it is an expensive method, it ticks all the boxes for your precious off spring's safety. Sarah and Aisling will stay in a dormatory on site and two other girls will be sharing with them.
This will take my once extremely shy little girl out of her comfort zone but it will also be the start of her own independent life and give her some great memories.
How will I cope with three months without picking up my nineteen year old daughter's knickers from the bathroom floor?
I may just cope fine. xx
My little girl is growing up and it came in too fast! But I'm happy in the knowledge that Sarah is ready to do this. She has grown into a beautiful young lady. She has worked hard in her first year in Art college and in her part time job at Broadmeadows equestrian centre. She showed commitment and dedication and I really think her choice in sport and hobby of horse riding has taught her a great work ethic. As over the years Sarah has had to rise early at 5am each morning in the pitch dark of cold winters to the sunny bright days of summer to prepare her horse for shows and competitions. It also taught her a respect for animals and people alike.
Sarah gained a few little fans in Broadmeadows from the little girls she taught in lessons including her own sister Yasmin, whom Sarah spent a lot of extra time helping her in the last couple of weeks because she is going to miss her little annoying sister more than she thinks.
Yasmin will also miss Sarah a lot as Yasmin really looks up to Sarah.
This has all helped Sarah gain some life experiences that will help her in her new job in Busch Gardens in Virginia where I know she and her new pal Aisling will fit in just fine!
We went through the USIT visa program for Sarah because we wanted some structure as this is her first time to go it alone. Although it is an expensive method, it ticks all the boxes for your precious off spring's safety. Sarah and Aisling will stay in a dormatory on site and two other girls will be sharing with them.
This will take my once extremely shy little girl out of her comfort zone but it will also be the start of her own independent life and give her some great memories.
How will I cope with three months without picking up my nineteen year old daughter's knickers from the bathroom floor?
I may just cope fine. xx
Tuesday 19 May 2015
What a gift to have!
Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I was as normal as anybody else.
I remember when I was 13 and I started to push my boundaries, my dad wasn't able to cope. Although he loved us, he couldn't demonstrate this by constructive conversations to work out problems. His parenting skills were relative of the times (late 70's), controlling, fearful and suspicious. My Ma's parenting skills were the opposite, encouraging, supporting, accepting. She was a natural parent. What a gift to have.
Anyway as a result of my boundaries always being shortened, I became rebellious and resentful, secretive and defensive. Even though my Ma was the nicer parent, I blamed her for Dad being so tough.
So I guess I was a mean teenager.
I did my duty as a daughter of course, my chores in the house and paying my wages to my Ma when I went to work, but I don't think I was a nice daughter in my teenage years. I know I wasn't.
I changed of course when I had my first child at 22. All of a sudden I knew the love and the pain my parents went through in being parents. I became a better daughter. I became a nicer daughter.
And all the time, my mother never judged me, she was always there with her big smile waiting to greet me! Amazing.
My Dad and I had a lot more work to do and I'm happy to say that before he died, we both had forgiven and I enjoyed some nice times that I could show him I cared.
You see, it was all very well when I was a teenager to be mean and spiteful, I didn't really know any better. I was still a child. I started to grow up when I took responsibility for my own bad behavior and acknowledged that I had to change it.
With the best intentions in the world, I made the same parenting mistakes myself on my first child. So much so, that I lost that child.
Yes he's an adult now and yes he should be trying to work out his resentments, but he's not ready.
So, I live everyday having lost a child. It's painful and it's sad.
I thank God of course that he is healthy and independent and he still walks this earth unlike friends of mine who's children are with God already.
But I have lost him.
Will I be like my mother with the smile if he ever returns.
I'm not sure.
I remember when I was 13 and I started to push my boundaries, my dad wasn't able to cope. Although he loved us, he couldn't demonstrate this by constructive conversations to work out problems. His parenting skills were relative of the times (late 70's), controlling, fearful and suspicious. My Ma's parenting skills were the opposite, encouraging, supporting, accepting. She was a natural parent. What a gift to have.
Anyway as a result of my boundaries always being shortened, I became rebellious and resentful, secretive and defensive. Even though my Ma was the nicer parent, I blamed her for Dad being so tough.
So I guess I was a mean teenager.
I did my duty as a daughter of course, my chores in the house and paying my wages to my Ma when I went to work, but I don't think I was a nice daughter in my teenage years. I know I wasn't.
I changed of course when I had my first child at 22. All of a sudden I knew the love and the pain my parents went through in being parents. I became a better daughter. I became a nicer daughter.
And all the time, my mother never judged me, she was always there with her big smile waiting to greet me! Amazing.
My Dad and I had a lot more work to do and I'm happy to say that before he died, we both had forgiven and I enjoyed some nice times that I could show him I cared.
You see, it was all very well when I was a teenager to be mean and spiteful, I didn't really know any better. I was still a child. I started to grow up when I took responsibility for my own bad behavior and acknowledged that I had to change it.
With the best intentions in the world, I made the same parenting mistakes myself on my first child. So much so, that I lost that child.
Yes he's an adult now and yes he should be trying to work out his resentments, but he's not ready.
So, I live everyday having lost a child. It's painful and it's sad.
I thank God of course that he is healthy and independent and he still walks this earth unlike friends of mine who's children are with God already.
But I have lost him.
Will I be like my mother with the smile if he ever returns.
I'm not sure.
Saturday 9 May 2015
Some more info on my depression
My depression leaves me feeling weak. Weak in my body and in my mind. Although I'm two weeks now with my bout of depression, I think it should be leaving me soon. I am sleeping better or more. I am still tired when I wake up in the morning, and I am weak, physically.
Today I will make myself go swimming. I will groom myself, at least I will begin to look better.
That will help.
Today I will make myself go swimming. I will groom myself, at least I will begin to look better.
That will help.
Friday 8 May 2015
It will pass
I have been struggling with my depression lately.
Depression is a funny illness. It's really hard to describe at times, but for me, there is a lot going on in my life at the moment and although I thought I was doing well, inevitably the load wears me down easily. It begins with me feeling bad about myself, in my mind and then my body doesn't feel well. There is a numbness, a deadness. It becomes an effort to perform my basic tasks.
Everything is a challenge.
I talk to as little people as I can manage and only to those I feel truly at ease with. At ease with looking like a wreck. I can't color my hair, do my nails or eyebrows. Or put on make up. I wear the same clothes day in day out. I wash my basics everyday.
At those moments that is all I can manage.
I'm feeling ok today, which means I could function a little bit more. I'm aware that I have to function for my daughters.
I know that God is helping me through this and that I am ok. It is just an illness that will pass.
Depression is a funny illness. It's really hard to describe at times, but for me, there is a lot going on in my life at the moment and although I thought I was doing well, inevitably the load wears me down easily. It begins with me feeling bad about myself, in my mind and then my body doesn't feel well. There is a numbness, a deadness. It becomes an effort to perform my basic tasks.
Everything is a challenge.
I talk to as little people as I can manage and only to those I feel truly at ease with. At ease with looking like a wreck. I can't color my hair, do my nails or eyebrows. Or put on make up. I wear the same clothes day in day out. I wash my basics everyday.
At those moments that is all I can manage.
I'm feeling ok today, which means I could function a little bit more. I'm aware that I have to function for my daughters.
I know that God is helping me through this and that I am ok. It is just an illness that will pass.
Monday 4 May 2015
Depression
How long is it going to take to feel well again? To feel motivated? I would like to be able to go to bed and pull the covers over my head, but my 10 year old Yasmin needs a mammy to entertain her, do something with her. I'll take her to the aquatic centre. At least then I can shower her and be forced to shower myself, as I can't do it.
I can't do anything.
I am numb. I am feeling ill.
Who can I burden with myself?
No one.
I can't do anything.
I am numb. I am feeling ill.
Who can I burden with myself?
No one.
Sunday 3 May 2015
Just for a moment....
For a moment, I remembered why I fell in love with you....
You used to look at me the way Bruno Mars looks at his audience, he loves every moment of how his songs make people feel that he is really talking to them. He sings the words and he means the words; You used to do that.
Then it was gone.
You used to look at me the way Bruno Mars looks at his audience, he loves every moment of how his songs make people feel that he is really talking to them. He sings the words and he means the words; You used to do that.
Then it was gone.
Friday 1 May 2015
Is it me?
I don't know anything anymore. I thought I was an ok person, with good values. What's wrong with liking people and wanting to include them in your life? Isn't there room for everyone? Why do some resent me for that?
What's wrong with using my husband's credit card to book things for myself and my kids? So, I like to go on holidays and have good seats at concerts, What's wrong with that? He's included also. I know he can afford it at the moment, but he doesn't want to spend his money on luxuries. He wants to pay off his mortgages, but that will take forever. Truly they are very high. He chose to invest in property. I supported him. It's doing ok. Everything's rented and is slowly paying itself off. But he wants to pay it faster. So we don't live. Can I live like that? Am I selfish? Am I really selfish?
I've been quite good in the recession I think, I didn't buy anything for myself, I paid my bills, I looked after my kids, ok, so they have expensive horse riding hobbies. Is that so wrong? It's good for them.
So, I come from a poor place, am I not to inspire to have more, want more? Shouldn't I have my own standard of good manners and etiquette? What's wrong with that? And why does it piss off my family so much? I'm not sitting down expecting nice things to fall in my lap. I've worked hard for nice things in my life. As far as I can see, I've nothing different than anybody else has and I want everybody to have what they want. I'm delighted to see people with nice things.
Why are people so quick to judge? I don't judge how they live their life, how they spend their money. Why do people think they can tell me how to spend my money? I don't work for my husband, I'm his wife of 20 years now, together nearly 30 years, isn't what's his mine? What's mine I share without question on my kids, on my husband, on my family.
Just because I failed to be financially successful in my own right, but I did try. I was out there in the work place all my life up till three years ago, when it became impossible to for me mentally to physically work and take care of my children, my home.
And I'm trying again, I'm trying to be an author. I'm writing books. Of course it's a slow process in becoming someone who can make money from writing, but I am trying. It's my only hope for now.
Should I, Can I be the good wife who takes what she is given and just be grateful.
Is that me? Why can't that be me?
What's wrong with using my husband's credit card to book things for myself and my kids? So, I like to go on holidays and have good seats at concerts, What's wrong with that? He's included also. I know he can afford it at the moment, but he doesn't want to spend his money on luxuries. He wants to pay off his mortgages, but that will take forever. Truly they are very high. He chose to invest in property. I supported him. It's doing ok. Everything's rented and is slowly paying itself off. But he wants to pay it faster. So we don't live. Can I live like that? Am I selfish? Am I really selfish?
I've been quite good in the recession I think, I didn't buy anything for myself, I paid my bills, I looked after my kids, ok, so they have expensive horse riding hobbies. Is that so wrong? It's good for them.
So, I come from a poor place, am I not to inspire to have more, want more? Shouldn't I have my own standard of good manners and etiquette? What's wrong with that? And why does it piss off my family so much? I'm not sitting down expecting nice things to fall in my lap. I've worked hard for nice things in my life. As far as I can see, I've nothing different than anybody else has and I want everybody to have what they want. I'm delighted to see people with nice things.
Why are people so quick to judge? I don't judge how they live their life, how they spend their money. Why do people think they can tell me how to spend my money? I don't work for my husband, I'm his wife of 20 years now, together nearly 30 years, isn't what's his mine? What's mine I share without question on my kids, on my husband, on my family.
Just because I failed to be financially successful in my own right, but I did try. I was out there in the work place all my life up till three years ago, when it became impossible to for me mentally to physically work and take care of my children, my home.
And I'm trying again, I'm trying to be an author. I'm writing books. Of course it's a slow process in becoming someone who can make money from writing, but I am trying. It's my only hope for now.
Should I, Can I be the good wife who takes what she is given and just be grateful.
Is that me? Why can't that be me?
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