It's been ten years four months now since my best friend dumped me. I was three months pregnant on Yasmin, 'My Beautiful Flower'. I can honestly say hand on heart that I am now truly over the hurtful experience. In fact I began to get over it about five years ago, but it did take that long. Someone once said to me, instead of being angry and hurt by the situation, pray for her and let her go and I began to do that. It gave me peace.
What happened? I don't really know. There was the usual trivial row that wasn't obviously the reason for the termination of our friendship, but that was the out my friend obviously took.
She was done. She didn't want excuses. She didn't want apologies. And she took her husband and her children with her away from both myself and my husband and my children. I was truly devastated and my husband didn't know what was going on!
My husband said I must've have done something serious. I remember looking at him with distain then, wondering why he didn't know already that I couldn't do anything to hurt anybody!
But I had to look at myself, deeply. If anybody has read my book 'My Beautiful Flower', you'll know that a lot of things were going on in my life five years ago and I was struggling with depression.
But I was capable of being mean and resentful and my husband got the brunt of those emotions. So he knew I was capable of being mean. Yes, I could have said 'I have reasons to be mean and resentful!' But they are just excuses. Excuses that will keep you in that negative frame of mind. When I began to ask God to help me to, 'free my mind from negatives and resentments' I was very close to getting well. I accepted my responsibility of my own bad behaviour and said sorry. And I truly meant it!
It didn't matter who did a bad turn on me, I was responsible for my own reactions and my own bad behaviour in return. I could only work on myself and change me. I could still stand up for my convictions but I didn't have to spit venom doing it.
But what kind of friend was I? That someone could discard me so easily, without ever contacting me again! It made me question past friendships of mine. Was I a mean girl in school? Growing up? Is this some sort of pay back?
I thought I was a good friend. I openly complemented her and admired her sense of style. I never criticised. I gladly supported her children's events like she did mine. We had great conversations and great couple dating with our husbands. I shared my problems with her, but maybe I missed hers. Did I talk too much and not listen?
Looking back now, there were hints, 'I'm really tired.' I sleep on till really late, the kids get their own breakfast.' 'I'm not well today.' I guess I missed it. My friend was obviously suffering with depression and I missed it.
I know I had my own depression going on as well, as the previous year I had a miscarriage and although I wasn't devastated over losing the baby as it stopped growing at six weeks, I went into severe post natal depression. I was a basket case. I never went to the doctor for help then because I just thought I'd get through it. And I wasn't one to stay in bed. I still got up for work, went to the gym, so I was able to function. I didn't know that my friend was also in depression.
I also know that while lost in depression, you are lost in negativity and resentment and unfortunately my friend had harvested those feelings towards me and so was able to justify her walk away from me. And never return.
Had she known it would confirm the feelings of self hatred of myself and the failure I felt as a human being, would she have been so cold?
I cried all the way through my pregnancy on Yasmin and was obviously 'depressed'. I wasn't surprised then of the obvious signs of post natal depression when she came along. I also firmly believe that my depression while carrying Yasmin had a direct effect on her development. I believe that my lack of the chemical serotonin in my brain caused an abnormality in Yasmin's brain development. She came three weeks early into the world and I remember her little voice whimpered into the world. She was scared!
Well God has a funny way of working things and I believe that he knew that Yasmin would be a great gift to me and would help me start working things out. And she did indeed, as I shared with you in my book. And she is an amazing gift as she tries her best at everything! She's my inspiration!
The lesson I have learned from that really sad experience? Yes, as hard as life can be at times, there is a lesson to be learned each time.
I now take care of my friendships. Your friends will always be there for you as long as you don't take them for granted! You need to be able to give in friendship as well as take. You don't have to be a party friend or super funny. Your laughter will come naturally after the tears.
Because we all need our friends. xx Jean
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