How to be a tough cop parent with kindness and compassion

jeanmurray120.wordpress.comAs I might have mentioned a few times before, parenting is a tough job!
What starts off with oneself being young and vibrant and full of hope and dreams meeting the man/girl that they are going to have their children with. And one day it happens, they excitedly bring home a beautiful delicate newborn that they can only love and adore. As dreams become harsh realities of hard work and little sleep, they unknowingly begin a pattern of destruction. They eagerly give into every demand their little angel has, (anything for a quiet life, right?) Then zap on ten short years later and a monster has come into the home and kicked their sweet little precious out and it's here to stay! And the nightmare begins.
Of course I'm not generalising this. Not every child is going to cause you major headaches and confusion. If you're one of the lucky ones and your first baby is easy enough and not very demanding, you're probably going to escape major tantrums. Although take it from me, don't sit back and relax just yet, there'll be plenty of opportunities and issues that will arise with that particular child to keep you confused and questioning.
But let's have a look at the difficult child first. It will have severe crying fits from as early as newborn. She/he is one of those babies one has no idea why they cry. They are fed, watered, nappy changed, not too hot, not too cold, cries when they wake up, cries when they go to sleep. And every cry is immediately met with instant attention.
As baby grows into a toddler, it becomes more demanding and stubborn. This can appear cute and harmless at first when you think your toddler is asserting themselves. It's not so fun when it becomes clear that the child has become the boss of the house and screams in deafening hysteria until it gets its own way.
My difficult child came third and last. Now, I'm not saying that she wasn't the most adorable little creature God put on this earth, but had she have came first, I'm pretty sure I would've been locked up in one home and she in another! She was definitely a challenge. She had the terrifying tantrums and by age four she began to hit me when I tried to get her to do what she needed to do. I could see that she was terrified during her tantrums. She was so sad and frustrated.
So the first thing I had to do was sort out this bad behaviour. After getting some very good advise from a wise old person, I got down to her level and firmly but kindly took her hands and said that if she hit me again, she would go on the step for a time-out. When she continued to hit me, I placed her on the bottom stair for four minutes. Of course there was mass hysteria and she tried to leave the step the whole time but I stood there preventing her from leaving the step again, kindly and firmly until her time was up. Then I asked her to tell me she was sorry.
This was a tactic I continued to use successfully from that day on. The thing was, on that first day, I could actually see the fear leaving my daughter's eyes as she realised that Mammy was finally taking control.
As it turned out, my daughter had a sensory condition and a comprehension disorder, so the two factors meant that certain conditions or environments made her confused and uncomfortable and frustrated, which is why she cried a lot.
Learning to read and write and understand things was really difficult for her, so she got really angry with herself.
Having a learning disorder was all the more reason to not let her away with the bad behaviour from such a young age. Because she was always going to have this difficulty. It was always going to be hard for her to learn. It was always going to frustrate her but what was the alternative? Give in to her? Feel sorry for her? And let her tantrums get worse, no way.
So yes, it is so hard to see your child crying and genuinely upset when they are finding things difficult to do, but kids are good at crying and if you know for sure that they are in a pretty good environment, well then what I would often say is 'Don't believe their crocodile tears!' And you can't tell them 'Ok then, don't do it.' You've got to sympathise with them for sure , blow their nose if needed, give them a bit of fresh air and then say, now let's try that again! And that goes for behaviour, education sport, activities.
Because that is the only way your child with learning difficulties or no learning difficulties will get through life.
It's ok for things to be tough and hard when it's all for the child's benefit.
Jean xx


jeanmurray120.wordpress.com

Suffer Little Children

jeanmurray120.wordpress.comAs a sufferer of depression myself, I can understand why someone would want to end their own life. Initially, it seems the instant answer to rid yourself of pain and anguish. It is really difficult at times to live with what goes on inside one's own mind. I can imagine for most sufferers like myself, that it's not crazy stuff, like people assume. You're not gaga or loop de loop.
 Inside my mind, it's rational, not unreasonable, so why, on just another Friday morning, a momentary thought comes to my mind, 'I wish I wasn't here.'  Why do I find it difficult to face people?
The comfort and ease of not having to tolerate my difficult task of living and interacting with life is inviting at times, but scary enough to leave that thought well enough alone. So what goes on inside the mind of a person like this?
I now know the mind becomes weak when there is lots of work going on up there. Negative work. So for instance, if you're going through the recession and the constant effort it takes to try and pay your bills when there is never a positive outcome, that begins a pattern of doubt and fear and fear can make people react in different ways.
For me, yes, I've had the financial recession also but it's also a constant torture of how bad I am at the things that I do and the embarrassment that comes with that, also the stupid things I've said or done, or not done plays over and over in my mind; My constant failures and the guilt that comes with all of this. I feel terribly guilty for not being a contributive human being.
 As a mother, I'm angry at myself, 'Why is it such a hard job? Why is everything in life hard?
Life is a constant challenge. I know as I write this that I've lost a lot of life's competitions. I didn't put up a good enough fight. In a prime example, when I was a young vivid worker running my own business, I closed down when a similar one opened up on the same block. I knew I couldn't win, so I didn't even try. When I was bullied by a very nasty manageress in a job that I really wanted, I just walked away. I didn't even report her. I felt sorry for her instead of me. This happened again in another job that I really liked!
This left me with a sense of unworthiness. I didn't want to work with people who were mean and horrible. I became afraid. I didn't know how to act around these people. Could I just work with people and give in to their demands constantly quashing my own ideas? Would I lose my head and get really angry, which I was very capable of doing? But then I would feel really bad.
I was aware that I had no confidence so I decided to go out there and re-educate myself in various areas and I did very well! And I found that I was a capable person. And I was able to work really hard! And I did that for a while, but then mid forties, my mind was having a hard time keeping up with my body and the requirements of life.
And then it shut down. It wasn't able to get my body to do any task at all.
I couldn't communicate with the outside world. I had to stop working. I didn't think about taking my own life but my behaviour was erratic. I found myself leaving notes with my will and testament in case something were to happen.
But, inside my mind I was aware that I needed to be there for my kids so I forced myself to do small tasks at first like washing my teeth and face each morning and then going for a walk. I was aware that everything in my mind was full of fear and sadness. So I began to brainwash myself into positivity.
It took a while, but that was the road that got me well again. And the road I still walk on.
Because life is full of ups and downs and challenges that occasionally leave me with a sense of unworthiness like this morning, I am low.
Although I wish I wasn't here sometimes, I would be too afraid to harm myself. I'm an adult and I know that tomorrow these feelings will have passed. And I'll spend this day being by myself. It is lovely to be on your own at times.
I have a huge sense of sympathy for the young children who are ending their life these days to end the pain of living with themselves inside their mind. These children have sensitive emotions and aware of the difficulties of living. Maybe because they have to face someone that made them feel stupid or unworthy. And for them, the eight hours of a school day can seem endless as they are obviously in fear.
This is a very complicated situation. How can you tell a child that this situation will pass. These kids are too afraid to stand out from the crowd and they are too afraid to be themselves. They are afraid to be on their own, because society shows that cool kids have lots of friends.
Their little minds were not born with fear. Their little minds developed these fears as they grew as different situations arose in their lives that created a fear in them and made them feel insecure within themselves and unworthy. Their unworthiness in themselves is reinforced when someone makes them feel bad about themselves. To escape that torturous pain that a child in puberty escalates to extreme measures, is simple in their minds. to end their own little life. To end a moment of emotional pain.
It's not an easy situation for the parents who have lost children this way with no knowledge or explanation. And how do parents recognise that their child has any emotional issues?
It's very common for children in puberty to not talk to their parents because they know that parents will try and help and 'do' something about it.
Again, the biggest things these kids feel is embarrassment, so to acknowledge any sort of issue in puberty is going to cause them great embarrassment.
So it's very delicate. If you are lucky enough to have your child come to you with feelings of embarrassment, acknowledge them. Show your sympathy, maybe give them an example of the stupid things you did at school or the times when you felt left out. Tell them it's ok. Everybody feels left out at times, even the cool kids. At this important age, they might not need anything 'done' about a situation, as that would high light them as the tell tale. They might just need someone to understand what they are going through.
Jean xxx

Dreams, Wants and Wishes

What were my dreams when I was young? I know I had them. Great desires to become someone famous. Being recognised as someone great. I thought maybe I'd be a famous hairdresser and would work in London along side the other greats. That's all I had known I wanted to be. And I did become a hairdresser, a pretty good one.
But my dreams became a distant memory as I became a mother. And then that was my most important role. To be a mother. Although I still worked hard as a hairdresser, I knew my dreams of going to London and to the next level would never happen as I took on my new responsibility. I kindly said goodbye to my dreams and held them in a back pocket of my mind for another day, maybe.
The task of motherhood seemed an easy one at first. Yes, it was a big change. To go from loving oneself more than others to loving another more than oneself is quite a surprise for us selfish beings. I remember thinking at the time that I could do with being less selfish. But maybe at twenty two, I was too young, too immature to take on this job. I didn't know the whole manuscript of raising a healthy child. I assumed it was just a physical role. I was fit and healthy enough. I didn't think then that I might not have the mental requirements.
Although I know I loved my fist born, a boy. Unconditionally.
I somehow wasn't the right match for him, for what he needed to grow. I suppose I just thought loving, providing, educating, was enough. But I did push, not encourage and I guess I controlled. And I paid the ultimate price.
It was just sixteen short years when I knew I was losing my son, maybe fifteen. And although I tried, there was nothing I could do or say to stop this process.
At eighteen, he had fled the nest and was gone.
Gone emotionally, forever.
The second was a girl and in true form, girls cry when they are upset and then you can help, or listen or support. They learn to trust you. They learn you to be a Mother. The relationship grows. I was a bit older, had I learned a bit more about my job as a Mother? I knew the role involved more than just the functional things. I learned that children have voices that need to be listened to. When they are sad we have to hug them, when they are hurt, we have to clean the wound.
When the third child came along, I knew then what the role of mothering involved and I realised how hard it was to actually be a good Mother. To love and nurture. To show by example. To teach work ethic and gratitude.
And I think the most important thing that I have learned as a Mother is that each child is different and they have very different learning abilities and to know when they are ready to learn the next stage of emotional education and literal education and physical education is very important in parenting because if you push a child to a place it is not ready for, you will cause them confusion, frustration and anxiety.
I watch from the distance my thirty year old son as a father and a husband.
He can't share his beautiful daughters with me. For him, I guess the memory of his youth is not one he wants to bring his children into.
He doesn't need to call me for anything, a cup of tea or how are you doing Ma? I don't receive the look of love or pride from him.
It's painful for me because I only ever wanted to be recognised as someone really good at their job and reap the rewards.
So where are my dreams now? My dreams have changed shape a little, Now I pray to God and thank him for my healthy and well family. I pray for them to grow in love and gratitude. I pray they won't make the same mistakes I have, or suffer the hurt and pain that I have in growing and realisation.
Now, my dreams are that my son would recognise me as someone great. He could pretend I was a stranger in distress and maybe give me a helping arm to cling onto.
And he could tell his children about this lady that he helped and she was so grateful.
xxx Jean

My mental health

I'm low this morning.
Physically, I feel unable to do anything.
My mind is tired.
Figuring out why I feel low, I am going through the pieces in my mind.
Why I am tired? Am I eating enough? Am I sleeping enough? What are my responsibilities of the day? Yes I've a lot to do as a stay at home Mam, but what does this really mean? Besides the usually housework and bill paying and dog-walking, horses and never mind the poor neglected husband......
Lets start with Yasmin, the main focus of my mind and my last child aged fourteen and who I still refer to as my little pet. She's a great girl. She has a delayed mental development and has to work extremely hard in anything she does. And she is a hard worker, there is no doubt in my mind.
But I am her organiser and planner. Her physical assistant, her emotional couch, her resource teacher at home in helping her do her homework.
And it's a lot of work.
Yasmin has just started secondary school and I need to be on top of my game to be on top of all her work. So I basically turn into Yasmin's teacher at home. We read through each subject's exercise for that day and we do the homework involved.
Yasmin's brain is like scrambled nerve endings. Her processing of information has to travel a lot in order to reach it's area of figuring out. And she doesn't like to do it. For her, it's like Chinese torture.
But it can be done and Yasmin can learn. I'm reminded of that in the early years of primary school. It was so difficult for her to learn her letters and her numbers. It was so difficult to learn to count and to learn to do words. And it was so difficult for Yasmin to learn to read, but Yasmin learned to do all of these things. It just took taking things slowly and constant repeating and constant going over what she learned until it stayed inside her brain. I remember I had to give her constant breaks every five minutes on the trampoline in order for her to be able to sit and try to learn her letters and her numbers. I had to drink many cups of coffee and a few glasses of wine!
And I had lots of outside help as well who reinforced all of this learning.
And I can proudly tell you that Yasmin can read very well today.
She's not a lover of it, as for her, it's like reading it from Russian and speaking it as English. She still has to unscramble it, but she can do it.
So now, because of the content of reading involved in secondary school and now that Yasmin is a teenager, she's trying to figure out ways of avoiding all of this work. So, my reinforcement has to be stronger now. I can now understand how difficult it is for other parents who don't know how to help their children in secondary school, or how they would find the time, especially if they are working and especially if they have other children, but I also understand, it is so important, now more than ever to find the time and the energy to help Yasmin.
But the benefits are huge. Yasmin is settling in well in secondary school because, she knows she has her homework completed well and she knows she has an idea of what the topic is about. And she may feel a little bit confident that she might know the answer if asked.
Her folders are all packed in class order. She is organised.
And although she still has her sensory condition and still hates water,  she has learned to wash herself properly in the morning (with me sending her back into the bathroom if she's not!) so that she looks and smells clean. So, she is fitting in. She is appearing to be the same as everybody else and she is quite content going into school each morning knowing this. Because the most important thing for teenagers is to be the same as everyone else. They don't want to stand out in the crowd for being different in any way.
So, I can take a deep breath when I drop her off.
You know, as I'm reading this, I begin to feel a little bit better in that things are ok.
I know I've been worrying about whether I am doing enough to help Yasmin and am I strong enough to keep going for her and that is a big worry.
So I'm going to practice what I preach and bring it back down to the moment in time and to try stay in the present and realise that for today I am doing everything I can.
And I am going to slow myself down today and do the things I have to do, like pay by bills and go see my mother.
Thank you readers out there who inspired me this morning to share with you my mental wellbeing and for re-wakening in me the positivities of life and struggle.
I love this quote of Aristotle, 'We are what we repeatedly do, Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.'
And I remind myself and my daughter of this every day.
Jean xxxx

Following Love

I remember it clearly, that September night in 1979, when our Mam and Dad woke us up at 3am in the morning to go and see Pope John Paul 11 in The Phoenix Park, Dublin.
We were very lucky to live in Cabra so we didn't have that far to walk.
Mam packed the picnic and she and Dad proudly shuffled their six children out through the front door and made the 5K walk through Finbar road, Fausaugh avenue and Nephin road with all of their neighbours and all of their children, entering into the park through the Navan road gates.
It was an exciting time. We were going to see the leader of our Catholic Church. The person that was closest to God. The person that God sent all his instructions to, down from Heaven. There were droves of people in their hundredths and their thousandths.
 I remember feeling the emotion as we all walked sleepily almost silently with just the gentle sounds of the pattering of feet on pavements. This overwhelming gathering of people who were poor in pocket but rich in soul. We were a community of people, united in our support for each other.
As a twelve year old child, I was unaware of the devastation that had happened and was still happening inside the walls of Catholic institutions.
Yes, as a pupil in a primary Catholic school were slapping was an allowed discipline that I received when I was cheeky, I never felt it was done in vengeance. I was never slapped in secondary school, and I was much bolder!
My Dad of course had a different experience in school where the boys were beaten viciously and it had left a deep resentment within his bones.
However, he followed the rules of his faith and he still raised us to believe in God and to respect our faith. So he was proud to be showing his Pope his beautiful six daughters. He was doing his best as a Catholic husband and father. As a wife and a parent myself now, I understand all too well the challenges that life throws at you and I understand why my parents and the many others went to the park on that night, they were looking for help and guidance and affirmation of their faith.
I don't of course remember anything the Pope said but I do remember the sense of belonging and warmth in the crowd.
And the love. I remember the overwhelming sense of love.
There has been lots of change in Ireland in the last thirty nine years. And one of the major factors of change in Ireland in those past years was the opportunity for poor people to go further in education. The young children were staying longer in schools. They stayed to do junior cert and then they stayed to do leaving cert. And then they began to apply for third level education. Older people were returning to school to get their leaving cert and then applying as mature students to go to college. Educated people gain knowledge. Yes the knowledge of new skills but also the knowledge of right and wrong. Our Catholic people began to realise that they had been wronged and hurt. And they were hurt really badly by the leaders of their Catholic Church who had been abusing their power and using their status to control and hurt vulnerable people.
There was anguish and anger among the people and it caused many people to lose faith in their church. They were disillusioned by God. Were was he in their times of need?
These were not good times. Of course, not every leader or priest or nun in the Catholic Church abused their power, yet they were all tarnished. But these priests were working hard at trying to keep the people in Mass. They were speaking words of forgiveness. They were talking of human error. We all make mistakes but we learn from our mistakes and we change and we become stronger, better at what we do. They brought in words like gratitude. Lets be grateful for this new day of life. It is a wonderful gift. They were no longer using words like obey or should do.
When my sister announced a few weeks ago that she had tickets for The Phoenix Park for Sunday the 28th August 2018 to see Pope Francis, I was already planning my picnic. I wanted to give my children that same experience that I had all those years ago.
This time, because everybody's drives now, the Police had closed off all the city to cars. There was no way in or out, unless you walked. There was an air of excitement as we headed into Cabra to my Ma's  house on Carnlough road. Sadly Dad passed away a few years ago, but Mam was all ready to go. She too had fond memories of bringing her children to see the last Pope and she was delighted to be bringing her Grandchildren. We borrowed a wheelchair for Mam because her knees are not the best and we began that same walk through the roads of Cabra to see our Pope. We chatted and we giggled on our way. We took turns in pushing the wheelchair and laughed at the young teenagers who were already tiring of the walk a few hundred yards on. We cajoled with the other walkers along the way, although it wasn't as many as the last time, there was that lovely feeling in the air.
We entered the Park and were met by the many thousands of people coming from various entry points and we were guided by speaker to our area of colour. All you could see were smiles and warmth on their faces. They were carrying little children on their shoulders and had satchels on their backs filled with picnic delights. Some carried chairs and had already stopped on the sideways to have a bit of their picnic. There were people of all nationalities, the new part of our Irish family. There was an amazing comradeship among the masses. Nobody pushing or shoving through the crowd or moans about skipping the queues. Everybody was courteous to everybody. We were all there for the same reason. We were following love and goodness and compassion and forgiveness. We wanted to be reminded of these words. And I had heard Pope Francis speak in Croke Park on the TV and in Knock that morning and his words were worth listening to.
I was proud to watch our young soldiers helping people with their wheelchairs get over the mucky paths and our many young policemen helping direct the people. They had that old-fashioned good manners, it was lovely to see our young people show this respect to the elderly and the weak. Some were recording the scene on their phones, thousands of people walking in peace. A scene to behold.
We finally got to our spot. We had a good view, two paddocks down from the front. There were plenty of TV screens lest we couldn't see our Pope too clearly.
We quickly got down to business and opened up our picnics, sharing our sambo's to all. There were cakes, chocolate bars and fizzy drinks. Gone was the diet of the day!
The kids begged nanny for a chance in the wheelchair and she gave in! The divils!
And then the Pope arrived in his Pope mobile and the crowds cheered. The music that the Orchestra played was almost angelic in the wind. Pope Francis made his way through the columns to bless all of the men, women and children.
In the confusion the people weren't sure which area he was coming to first, so the thousands of people  started running to find him. It was so funny. Everyone was laughing, nobody was pushing or shoving. My thirteen year old daughter was recording us running towards the Pope. And the smile on his face when we finally caught up with him as he blessed us all and the smile on my daughter's face as we stored this memory and everybody there was smiling too. And I realised that all of us masses of people were there for this one thing, Love. So that we can store the love and speed the love.
This is our faith. It doesn't matter what religion you follow, if your leader of faith teaches Kindness, Compassion and Forgiveness and Gratitude, well then he's worth a hearing.
The procession of priests in their lime green assisted Pope Francis onto the alter where he began mass . My Ma was just delighted to be receiving mass from Pope Francis and even said she wouldn't mind going to Rome to see him again. (And Ma is not one for travelling!)
When it was time for 'Peace be with you', we shook hands with everybody we could. There was our usual shyness of displays of emotion but an overwhelming sense of peace and quiet in the crowd.
And the finale of it all was The Pope's Blessing.
It was certainly worth coming to here this man speak new words of apology, shame, regret in the Catholic Church but also of change and non judgement of others and forgiveness and gratitude.
Well done Pope Francis!
Jean xxx

Thank You Teachers

I had no doubt at all some eight years ago,

When I dropped my little petal into the front doors

 of Rathbeggan National School,

We were welcomed with warmth and smiling, confident faces,

I knew this meadow, full of many fragrant blossoms

 could nurture my beautiful flower also,

Settling in those first couple of years,

 learning how to learn

And learning how to make friends

Was challenging for my little flower,

But despite the windstorms and hail,

 She was held tight by the strong branches 

Of this lovely orchard

And a difficult task to these wonderful teachers

Who dedicate their time and knowledge and kindness

To educate and teach my flower the ways of the meadow of life

Of how to grow strong and how to grow safe 

Among the cascading flowers of this beautiful World 

That God created  

Then slowly and consistently,

My flower began to grow

Her petals began to flourish and blossom 

With wonderful vibrant colours of knowledge

Encouraged to run, encouraged to race

Encouraged to sing and encouraged to have fun!

Encouraged to live this wonderful life with confidence!

I came back these past days to collect my little flower

To take her on to the next meadow of life 

And I cannot believe my eyes

Her petals are strong and 

Sparkling in colour

Who is this beauty?

And how did this happen?

My heart is full of gratitude to this meadow

The strength of your trees and your branches 

That hold on to each and every petal 

And take care of them

 With borrowed time

But she will take this family with her 

As she grows

And the foundations of growth that she has gained from your meadow

 will guide her always

In her own garden

 Of this beautiful life

Thank you all xxxx

Jean Murray

Life gets in the way

Your first moment of looking at your beautiful new born baby is precious. Your child is perfect in it's innocence. It has no worries, no issues. It's not capable of hatred or evil. It's only ability is to love and be loved. You promise to love and raise your child in that ethos.
 But then life gets in the way.
As a mother who developed depression as soon as my first child was born, I stupidly thought my child wouldn't be effected by my moods. What must it have been like as a baby to here your mother crying or shouting in frustration or just being sad all the time. He must have been so scared and so sad himself. He was a sensitive lad. He learned not to upset me. And then he grew away from me.
I thought I did it better on my second child, I thought I hid my anguish well, but I didn't. She saw my sadness too and she learned to hide her emotions completely. And the poor little pet had her little worries and fears, but she never told me about them. She didn't want to upset me, so she buried them. But emotions and feelings need to be expressed and if they're suppressed they do their own bit of damage..... Oh if I could only turn the clock back, I would do it so differently. I would know how to be a proper mother. I wouldn't carry as much guilt.
Why didn't I know how to be a good mother? I remember asking myself that question time and time again. It felt like such a hard job. Not the general caring for the babies, but the crying and upsets. The eating problems and the toilet training accidents. I was way out of my depth. The no sleep is a big thing I know, but no excuse for anger. I felt incapable.
When my last child came along, I went and got help for my depression and I realised I had to be a better mother. I needed to listen to my children's emotional needs and react accordingly.
I know now how to be a proper mother. Well, I'm not a super mom or anything, but I now know how to meet my children's emotional needs. By listening and dealing with things slowly.
Because that little innocent bundle of love that is as absorbent as a sponge is witness to you. Your life's issues, your pain, your sadness, your loss.
And as your little child grows, it grows in fear.  It's education is marred by worry and anxiety. It learns that the world is a scary place.

jean xxx

Just Fitting In!

So,
After Christmas, I felt my button on my jeans feel a little tight. I didn't weigh myself to see what the Christmas damage had been, but I knew all the extra eating and drinking and lack of good exercise was bound to have a negative effect on me to say the least!
So after all the Irish festivities, my new year's resolution began on the 8th January!
Yes, it was going to be dry January for me! No alcohol! I'm also cutting down on fat in my diet and focusing on cleansing my gut of all the built up toxins.
So, for me it's going to be a lot of fibre in my plan, with plenty of water, and smoothies and vegetables with lots of good long walks with my two huskies!
And positive brain washing!

I started my day giving thanks
Dear God,
I have everything I need today,
My children are nourished and warm,
My bills are paid,
Myself and my family are healthy today!
Thank you Lord!

It's all about living just in today and not worrying about tomorrow!

Ok, so just to give you an update on what I ate today! So, for breakfast, a pint of hot water with 1/4 squeezed orange juice, 1/2 bowl of albran and almond milk.
Mid morn I had a pint of warm water with a beroca with my lexopro as you need to B vitamins when you’re on anti depressants.
(Also, more than 2 cups of coffee a day depletes your anti depressant!)
For lunch I had two slices of light whole meal toast, a sliver of butter and a chopped banana; a cup of tea.
After I walked the dogs I had a pint of hot water.
Because of my light lunch, I gave myself a treat of a capuchino and a small bar of dairy milk choc.
And for my dinner, I had my chick pea and lots of vegetables stew with two slices of light whole meal bread!
I’ll be washing that down with a pint of hot water, which will make that my 4th pint of water today!
Knowing me, I’ll be hungry later on, so I’ll snack on celery and apples tonight!
😀
Jean xxx

A letter to Jesus

Dear Jesus

I hope this letter finds you well
I hope my Dad isn't giving you too much hassle up there
telling you how to rule the Heavens his way and all!
I hope the holes in your hands and feet haven't caused you any arthritic problems of late
As none of us are getting any younger....lol
And the one in your side must be crucifying, (No pun intended)

I want to thank you Jesus
For the lovely food and the great family gathering here in the mammy's
She's a great woman altogether
Cooking for her brood
On her dodgy knees that don't hurt
And her memory that loses count after six,
Her black roast potatoes are next to none
For sure.... lol

As I think back over the month of December
It was traumatic as ever
It was such a relief when Sarah began to eat proper food again
Her Summer in Los Angeles had her eating like the stars
 and grazing like the cows
Those neighing sounds she was making were a little bit worrying
And her trotting around the back garden with the dogs
Well, that was just down-right scary....
And Poor ole Shauna
She doesn't eat at all
Well, only chipper.... but that's not really eating....
It turns out, the people in her new job don't like her at all
It's such a shame....
Yes the world has gone funny since you were here Jesus
My nephew Ryan has gone missing
the last I heard of him was he got a job in SuperValu
 and he hasn't been seen since!
Elle is still working on her Santa list
and I guess she missed the deadline...
She was still trying to think what she wanted
lipstick or a sketch pad....mmmmmmmmm
It's just as well she had brothers
to nudge her into the living world....
Although Padraig is like a Vampire, he only comes out at night
He works in Bono's bar till 8am in the morning
Poor ma is worried sick that he's over worked and underpaid
And doing all that and staying sober!
Good for him Jesus!
And Pierce,
Well now that he's got rid of his Acne, he's up to all sorts!
He can shave his ten hairs off his chin
without slicing off the lumps and bleeding to death
which is such a relief to his Ma
She sobs with emotion each time she sees him now...
Bella little Bella
tall and lean
It wasn't so long ago when that little sumu wrestler
lifted those hefty legs of hers up off the ground at one year of age and began to walk!
I couldn't believe my eyes!
Her little pudding face was determined in her mission
And Finn,
He was oblivious to it all
he was still dribbling happily while looking for his tail
No Finn, you were never a puppy!
Koda,
Now there's a puppy!
Big innocent blue eyes!
sleeps in Josie's bed and pushes her out,
Tell's Becca to go walk herself
and bans Alex from entering the garden,
It's just as well Alex spends many hours in the shops
buying new runners.... lol
And what a lovely surprise to have Joe Murray arrive
with his lovely daughter Emma
It took a while for the poor little thing to acclimatise to the dull and the grey
but she soon got the hang of it
And after trying all our different sort of french fries, she found her favourite food
Thank goodness Jesus, I thought she was going to starve!
She settled for the french fries with ketchup!
So Yasmin brought her friends Kate and Robyn over for a sleep over
with her cousin Emma,
Well, this is how the night went, Yasmin was sleeping with Emma, then Emma was sleeping with Kate then Kate was sleeping with Robyn then Emma was found on the floor of her dad's room and then Robyn was sleeping with Yasmin then Yasmin was sleeping with Sarah then Kate was found in the wardrobe room....
and then Yasmin was sleeping with me and Anto and then I was on the floor and then Anto was on the sofa and Robyn had the best bed!
And then when Anto nearly burned the house down
I ended up back on the sofa again!
The wrinkles are gathering nicely around my eyes Jesus
Albeit a few years premature!
And don't even mention the toilets!
It is like a Merry Christmas indeed with me flushing each toilet in rotation
To rid them them of pooh!
And you know I don't do pooh Dear Jesus!
So now,
Thanks very much Jesus
As always
You are too kind to me indeed!
Have a very Merry Christmas!

Jean xxx

Poor Little flower

It's so sad to see
A flower so fragile
Damaged
by the rugged elements of it's life
A beautiful bud
It began the world in such grace
And now
devoid of colour
fluttering petals
afraid to bloom

Did God know when he planted this flower
where it would end
Nobody to help it flourish
or Nurture it
What was his plan at all
Poor little flower
Cowering in it's little corner
So perfect in it's little form
But so untrusting
Afraid
What's for you little flower
How will you ever bloom

There in that dark corner of this beautiful world
Hidden from all to see
Your exquisite beauty
Your perfect contribution of vibrancy
Of Grace
As your beautiful petals
Dance all alone in that dark little corner
Hidden
For no-one to see
Poor little flower
How will you call out for water from the rain
And warmth from the sunshine
Little flower
How will you ever bloom

It's up to you little flower
You have to find a way
Out of the dark cold corner
Hidden
Stretch your little petals
Reach out for the rain drops
Lean as far as you can into the Sunshine
Fight for your precious life little flower
Don't be afraid to bloom

Jean xxx

A peak into my wacky brain!

Dear friend,

  I feel I owe you a bit of an explanation why I don’t go for coffee anymore,
 Mine is a simple excuse,
 As a one income family with two horses in livery and lessons and competitions, all my spare money is taken already,
With college fees and the girls needs, there is little room for treats for me
But I'm not complaining,
I'm glad that I can save on some of the expensive luxuries of a girls life
 by doing all our own hair and manicures and pedicures! 
As a hairdresser, thank goodness, I’ve got these skills!
 I did bake my first ever Christmas cake this year from the Odlums recipe,
 It looks ok and I hope to make my Mam and my friends their cakes too,
 As with expensive riding presents for under our tree,
 I can’t afford to pay at the moment for delicious ordered cakes! 
You’re probably thinking I’m going with someone else, but I’m not,
 I have tried other's coffee, but it’s not to my liking,
 I am awfully fussy! . 
Sarah does love the new designer salads in the new designer cafe's and I like to buy them for her.
 I’ve had to watch Yasmins weight so I haven’t brought her to coffee shops either because she only gets the full pancakes and bacon, so avoidance is better than refusal.
 I make her a nice omelette instead at home! 
Because she gets her take away chips every weekend, 
I’m really conscious of healthy cooking at home. 
We do have a family treat of course and that’s in a restaurant where they serve my favourite beer!
 It was just once a month during the recession but now it’s twice a month and sometimes once a week!
 I would only get a scone and a capuchino when I went with you anyway,
 so that the girls could have what they wanted,
 and if I had any complaints,
 it was only the scone. 
A lover of scones, it was a little bit doughy and underdone,
 with not much blue berries or fruit in it. 
What I am I like!
 But for the only treat I liked,
I wanted to enjoy it!
 I just have my coffee at home now, with a couple of choc digestives 😀 
I'm a funny individual
I am not a creature of habit
I can't continue regularities or rituals like most people
I like the old reliable
I love my own company where I can't make a fool of myself
I do find me strange and hard to understand at times!
I don't like to get to close to people or too depended on
As I inevitably will let them down
And then when it is discovered that I am not this really nice person
I am too embarrassed to face you again....
Jean xxx

A letter to Joe Duffy

Dear Joe, 

Just in relation to the water charges being returned. It is being requested now that we donate this money to the homeless societies, as what’s gone from our pocket already, we won’t miss.

I don’t agree. I think that during the time that people had to pay their water charges, they struggled to do so, as we were slap bang in the middle of the 2010 recession. For most people the prospect of this returned money is a welcome one.

I have huge sympathy for the homeless, but I think the onus of responsibility lies with our government to sort this mess out.

Look around Ireland, although there are wealthy people living here, there are still many, many poor people. We are mostly a working class country and it’s these working class and poor families that are rife with disfunction.

And through poverty and disfunction comes un-catered for emotional and educational needs which in turn grows dysfunctional adults who may find themselves unable to cope with the high cost of living in Ireland today.

 Gone is the ability to gain a council property once you are married with children as in my parents day. The ridiculous rents and costs to buy a home is out of reach for a lot of young couples today. It's unfair of a government to expect every young couple or individual to be able to buy a average size property for 300,000 euros or rent an average size apartment in the city for 1500 euros a month.

I look at my own last child age thirteen and use her as an example as a child with a lot of learning challenges. I'm not sure she would be able to gain a working role with a high enough wage that will see her able to buy or rent a home when she gets to her mid or late twenties. This responsibility is on myself and my husband to make sure that she will be provided for.

And there are many others in this same position, who are already helping their adult children out by cooking food for them, buying clothes, giving money and providing some help in sheltering them as much as they can.

And when those parents receive their water charges back, you can be sure they are probably going to spend it on their  adult children anyway.

Despite there being thousands of families homeless, there are many more thousands of families still trying to catch up on arrears and debt since the recession.

It’s unfair that these parents have to take in their adult children with partners and children. It just doesn’t work.

As a member of a large family, I have also witnessed some family members who struggled because of addiction,debt and homelessness. 

And not having escaped the recession ourselves, we have had our own struggles, but being a nation of majority Catholic living with Christian values, we will always strive to help others first. 

I know when I receive my water money back, I’ll be happy to share a bit of it.

There are many people who have homes who would not be able to afford many luxuries for Christmas at all, so I'll be delighted to give someone a good hamper of goodies!

The government needs to provide council homes to young single or married couples at an affordable rental cost, like they used to in the 70's.

 There are so many more issues for the homeless people as well though, that housing alone won’t sort out. 

They will need educational and emotional support too in order to learn the skills that will protect their own children from falling into the same difficulties that they did.

Yours sincerely

Jean

The daughter who had to leave home

 This a a story about my Mother and my sister who had to emigrate to Canada six years ago.
 
 
 It was the saddest day of all when my sister had to depart in the Fall of 2011,
 She was one of six daughters to Marie
  And Christy who sadly passed away a few short years before,
 Mam loved her close family unit and when her fourteen grandchildren came along,
 as close as her own brood,
 She was never happier than to see them altogether
 squabbling and laughing
 Just like her own

 Mam never had much in life
 Raising her own children right slap bang in the middle of the 70’s recession
 Her husband took to the drink and lost his job
 He was angry and sad
 My Mam was like a trojan then
 What a wonderful woman who stood by her man with grace and humility
 She made wonderful dinners from little
 and loved and lived for her children
 She was never angry or blaming
 And had great faith in God!

 An amazing gift she had through all of those years
 Was to open the hall door on our arrival from a tough day at school,
 hungry from the cold and a long wintry day,
 Was to greet us always with a smile
 And a bowl of stew

 Our house was poor with holes in the walls from my poor Dad’s depression
 And window’s were often broken
 But it was always clean
 And when Christmas came along there was no-one like my Dad who was in full festive cheer
 He helped all the neighbours bone and roll their Turkey’s and Hams
 Happily accepting a glass of Whiskey for his trouble…
 He played his Christmas music on the record player for all to here
 And he brought the funniest shaped Christmas tree home one year!
 We all said he must have cut it down himself from some where……
 But we sat around that tree and sang Christmas Carols….
 And Santa brought us presents too!
 But Christmas was a sad time for us too
 Because of his Depression
 
 My sister Elle was the fifth daughter for Mam
 She had a beautiful soul
 Never a trouble
 Never bold
 Kind and gentle
 Adoring of her two children 
 
 I’ll never forget my mam’s face of sadness and bravery all mixed up in one,
 when her beautiful child told her that she to leave her homeland for a better future for her kids….
 In true mammy style
 She kept her sadness to herself
 Encouraging of her daughter’s new life
 And silently broken as she wondered would she ever see her again…
 
 It was tough for my sister's husband through this last recession
 With the mortgage to pay and and a family to feed
 He had to travel to Dublin for over an hour in the car each day
 for any little work
 And the diesel was huge money!
 The stress in their life was great
 And when they made the decision for a life where work was plenty
 I’m sure she battled with it well
 So, it was on the furthest western coast of Canada
 Where the winters were harsh 
 And there would be no Mammy’s stew…..
 She knew Mammy would be too scared to fly all that way too….
 
 But sure wouldn’t they be able to get home often enough?
 But not when life and work and school gets in the way
 And ever increasing airfare
 Well, she did get home when Mammy had an aneurysm removed from her brain a couple of years back
 Just by herself
 And she went back to her new home with a heavy heart
 knowing Mam was getting on….
 
 Mam's siblings are passing each year
 One of which a best friend
 who’s heart she held dear
 Her memory had almost but forgot who my Mam was 
 And in my mammy’s mind, she is wondering 
 will this soon be her…..
 
 So she’s throwing a feast this Christmas Day
 with all the trimmings and Christmas Music to play
 She wants all her brood there 
 to mind them and love them and feed them
 and here them laughing
 So that she can hold on to that memory
 lest next Christmas might be different…..
 
 I know with no doubt 
 that my Mam’s wish for Christmas is to bring Eleanor home
 to be with her sisters
 And not be alone
 There in the vast country of Canada
 With Hugo her husband 
 And Sean and Grace
 To be with all their cousins
 In One Happy Place!
 
 I miss my sister and the others do too!
 I would be so happy if my Mam’s wish came true!
  xxx
  Jean 

Taking things for granted

As a child growing up through the 1970's recession, there were many hard times and there were certainly no luxuries. It was a big deal for the parents to throw you a 21st birthday party and I remember how hard it was for my Dad to get 200 pounds together to pay for my party. But I never remember wanting for anything nor feeling I was missing out on things. We were always taught, when you're earning yourself, you can buy it.
 I was a young mother, so I could never really save much of my earned cash from then on as the child's needs came first. My only wish was to go on holiday every year. I loved going away to the sun and I would happily save for that, year in and year out.
My first big purchase was in 1990 when I bought a house down the road from my mam. It was a small price of 18,000 pounds and I was quite able to get together the deposit fee of 1800 pounds. The interest rate at the time was 18% and my repayments were 300 pounds per month. I had been paying 185 pounds per month for an apartment, so it wasn't much more in the difference. That was only 27 years ago and in comparison, today, a young couple must save 30,000 euros for their first deposit which is very hard to accomplish.
The house was in a very old state and needed lots of work to modernise it and yet I still remember being satisfied at it's basic state. My wants were very realistic. And I had no problem getting my hands dirty in cleaning it up and making it livable in. I think again, that coming from a very modest background, I was very grounded.
I considered myself quite fortunate to be able to get on the property ladder.
I didn't drive at the time as I lived in Dublin city within walking distance of everything so that was less expense.
I remember living within my means. I didn't look at expensive furniture or toys or clothes. One of my favourite purchases was a beautiful three, two, one suite, that I bought from my boss at the time for 200 pounds. It was of really good quality and I reckon he and his wife had done me a very kind gesture and I was very grateful.
And then that all changed in 2002 when all of a sudden we were in a position to move to a bigger house. And then we could get the nice car and go on nicer holidays and it's amazing how in such a short time, you become used to getting things when you want them and you start taking things for granted.
Everything was replaceable, it wasn't a big deal reversing your car into anything, sure it was easily fixed and sure you'd be trading it in next year anyway. And I don't think I realised that I might have begun to appear spoiled to others around me, by having new things very quickly. But what I was really doing was making things very difficult for myself in the future if anything were to go wrong.
And then the recession hit America in 2007 and we all knew it was on the way here. It hit us like a force ten hurricane in 2009. It came in fast and destroyed very quickly.
Nobody likes bad things happening to them but there are always lessons to be learned. I certainly became more frugal. There was no old food going in my bin. I became a wiser grocery shopper. Clothes were better cared for. I stayed with the same old car, it did the job just fine.
I realised the value of your life is more important
So now, in the final months of 2017, I let myself get a new car. I was very reluctant, least of all, going into payments again, but it was a real case of need.
 I spent the whole of the Summer in and out of garages with one or other of our jeeps with various engine problems and I spent many times broken down on back roads with steam billowing from the bonnet of our Toyota Cruiser! At fifty, I had decided to shave my hair close to my scalp so now I had the look of a crazy woman dressed in pink gym gear, (Just in case I had an opportunity between horse shows to jog my hyper huskies ten miles or so!) I'm trying to hold back the forty stone dogs from legging it whilst unhitching the horse box in fear of the jeep blowing up and the pony being burned to death. All that and trying to be Mother of the year by not strangling my twelve year old daughter to quieten her hysterical crying!
 Or sometimes I just couldn't turn off the engine of our range Rover for fear of it not starting up again, because of an alternator  problem, so I would just put it into park and go off about my errands. And I can honestly tell you that there are many, many honest people in the world and one of which who kindly watched over my running jeep while I went into the Dublin Horse Show to watch 'The Aga Khan', I kid you not.
I couldn't lock it either, because if I did, that 2007 was impossible to get into if the battery died. Every Auto Assist has tried in vain. The only way is to break the window and after three times doing that, we finally got a lock smith. Yeh, we don't rush into things....
So finally last Saturday after a day driving around in the Range Rover pulling the horse box to killossory for my daughter's dressage test and show-jumping and then going to see my Mother in Dublin and all the while leaving the engine running and again, very honest people in Dublin, or else nobody was interested in taking it on!
 I gave in. I went and looked for a new car.
And I love it. It's new and shiny and trendy and everything works in it!!
And I'm very appreciative of it. I know how lucky I am and I certainly won't be taking things for granted anymore.
Jean xxxx

jean murray: Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depress...

jean murray: Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depress...: I am grateful for the opportunity to write this blog this morning with information, knowledge and first hand experience of a breakdown and a...

Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depression!

I am grateful for the opportunity to write this blog this morning with information, knowledge and first hand experience of a breakdown and a recovery from Depression!
Depression in a simple description is when the brain is unable to function properly, effecting how a sufferer feels, thinks and acts. In the early stages, thoughts and emotions are erratic and a sufferer can appear sad and the body lethargic. As depression takes hold, the sufferer withdraws into one's self emotionally and is physically unable to perform the simplest of task.
 Depression is a disease like any other disease in that the symptoms can be small at first and easy enough to hide but if left untreated, it will only get worse. It causes a huge amount of emotional pain to the sufferer and their family and friends. And that was me.
The first time that I mentioned to my doctor that I might have depression was twenty seven years ago, when I was twenty three. My first child was one years of age and I spent most of his first year sad and angry. Post natal depression were new words around Ireland at the time but I suspected that I might have it. I give the Doctor his due, he suggested I go down the route of self help first instead of giving me anti-depressants. He knew my history well.
I, like many other north side Dublin kids, grew up in poverty. Fear was a constant in our daily lives. Kids living in fear learn to hide their emotions from the outside world. It was hard for our parents to meet our emotional needs in the 70's. They didn't know what emotional needs were.
 Poverty breathes poverty and education was basic in Catholic homes with thirteen children being the average size family. And as we all know now, education is the key in life. The more we know about issues, the more we understand them.
 I had learned to hide my true feelings from even myself, so I was at least twenty years neglecting my own emotional needs at that point in my life. Eventually these emotions surface in a negative guise. 'I had reasons to be sad and angry,' The Doc had said. I needed to figure things out. He was a wise man.
I took his advice well and I was delighted to join a self help group.
I didn't think at the time how long it was going to take me to be better. I knew there wasn't going to be a quick fix though as I had been feeling low ever since puberty. Although I was still able to appear happy and even confident to the outside world.
I felt immediately comforted by the support of the group. They helped me see where I maybe needed to change a few things about me and my life in order to feel better.
 So I began there. But I was a complex case. I really had no idea of the depth I needed to go to change. And even if I did figure out what I had to change, I had absolutely no idea how I would do it. I didn't really know who I was or what I was about at all.
I followed the road of self help and counselling for the next couple of decades and as my life was entwined with a husband and children, I found it was getting tougher. I could still just about do physical things, go to work, get to functions, get the kids to their school and activities but I just couldn't figure out how to meet everybody's emotional needs. That saddened me and I felt guilty. 'Why wasn't I naturally good at motherhood?' Or, 'Why did I find marriage so difficult?' And, 'How come I couldn't succeed in the workplace?'  The counselling helped. She tried to get me to compartmentalise each emotion and try rationalise it out. But my brain was full of all my worries and my fears jumping around together and my constant feelings of failure and self hatred.
I finally resorted to medication when I was thirty eight. I just couldn't do it on my own. It really helped my symptoms but I knew I still had to help myself by going to counselling and doing the emotional work. But I think I stalled on working on myself at that time, because the medication was doing the job for me. After a couple of years, the Doc suggested I come off my meds, I was happy to do it. I was feeling good. But it wasn't too long before the dark clouds of negativity came back into my mind. And much worse than before.
I was working full-time, I was a mother, a wife and I was not coping with any of it. I was crying all the time. And I was hating myself more and more because I was so weak. And the guilt was bad. Don't under estimate guilt. It can be soul destroying. I constantly felt guilty for not being good at anything and with that, worry and fear were racing around my head. I didn't want to go back on medication then, I wanted to fight my depression.
I began to have panic attacks.
It still amazes me of the power of my mind. I couldn't figure out my head, so, my mind began to give my body physical signs for me to see. For me to stop everything. For me to keep on trying to figure me out! For me to get to the root of me!
My panic attacks came in the guise of paralysing feelings. My legs became numb and I couldn't move. I literally felt like I was having a stoke. And then other times, there was a massive pain in my chest that I was sure had to be a heart attack.
My mind was out of control. And I was terrified of what else it would do.
I think I might have been about a year off my meds then and I was getting worse. I didn't want to see people. I couldn't receive phone calls. I couldn't read text messages. I couldn't listen to the radio or the news. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't go to the Doctor. I was aware that I looked really bad and that maybe he would suggest hospital and I didn't want to go there and leave my kids, not for a minute. At that point depression is very visible. Your weakness is on view for all. There is it. You're the ultimate failure. You just can't cope in life. And that is not easy to admit to anyone.
I know on the TV programs, they say talk to someone, but you can't talk and rationalise what's going on in your own mind at that point to yourself never mind anyone else. You're too ill. It's not like you're a bit tearful and you can tell your best friends you're broken hearted over a failed relationship, or you lost your job, or you've gained weight, or you even have the baby blues.
This is a total different kettle of fish. And I can totally understand why a lot of people die from depression. And I don't say take their own life, because I know for sure, they are not in control of their own mind when their mind is that ill. Your mind is dying, just like a pancreatic cancer. And the symptoms spread through your body just the same. Your body becomes so weak that you can't do the simplest of chores like wash yourself. You lose your appetite just the same. You can't go outside for a little walk and fresh air, because your body is so sick. This is probably the worse type of disease in that it effects your mind and body.
I know this, because I was there. My mind was very ill. I had no idea what it was capable of.
That's why I went back on medication.
But this time it took me at least six weeks to start to feel a little better. And this time I knew I had to do the work.
I took full responsibility for my illness. I asked God to help me.
 I stopped blaming myself, people and situations. I forced myself to walk. And while I walked I began to brainwash myself into positive thinking. Gratitude. Acceptance of me. Forgiveness of myself. And to like me, warts and all. Because I had hated me for a long time. I had to banish negative thinking. After a while, I felt myself finally getting better.
Life is still full of challenges, but I've learned to just focus on the day at hand. I don't compare myself or my children to others. I accept me as me and my husband as he and my children as they.
My life is where God wants me to be.
After five years on anti-depressants, I know I'm probably really ready to come off them now but I'm just not brave enough yet.
Jean xxx