I thought I might share a poem with you from my book that I wrote about the homeless.

'Under the Great Gates of the Bank of Ireland'

What age are those feet under that blanket?
They look so young
And the stench of urine that surrounds them
It sickens my stomach.
I should stay here to feel what real pain is,
Real Loss.
Real Dysfunction.
The ground must be cold and hard even with an extra sleeping bag underneath him...
And boxes to sleep on.
Whose child is this?
No Mother to care?
Only the others like him...
They bring the hot tea, a sandwich to share.
Then the other stuff and tin foil.
All their faces weathered red and sleepy heads,
Teeth not good.
Faces so young, so old.
So grateful for anything.
The boy loves hot chocolate with five spoons of sugar.
'Thanks Love,
God Bless You."


By Jean Murray

The dangers of allowing bad behaviour in your home.

It starts out with the terrible two's tantrums. Some parents look at their little angel and are so concerned that that are in distress, that they will do anything to comfort them, or give them anything. Wrong straight away, because I think the first thing to remember is, that it is ok to be upset. Toddlers don't know how to express their emotions so it comes out as a tantrum. As a parent, addressing that tantrum properly from the very first will decide the child's future. If it's unacceptable or unreasonable, tell them so, take them away from the situation firmly, but kindly and give them a consequence. Teaching your child that they have to accept their own responsibilities for their bad behaviour is a valuable lesson. Believing that your child will never get over his/her distress and trying to comfort him/her with goodies is setting him/her up for failure in his life.
I see it all the time myself. Different personalities in parents or 'afraid of the scene' parents are enabling their children to be bad behaviour growing children and then adults.
Of course, you have to find the right balance. I was a tough parent on my first child, so I got it wrong. Judging and critisizing a child will only teach them to be secretive and untrusting. Hitting will only teach them to fear.
When my last little angel started to have severe tantrums, (ok, because of her difficulties, but there's still no excuse not to deal with the situation properly) I rang the ADHD helpline, because before any of her assessments, I was sure it was ADHD. Thankfully, a very helpful man got on the phone to me. He pointed out to me, that I should stop allowing bad behaviour from my child straight away. I wasn't helping her. The truth was, I didn't know how to deal with my little 4 year old daughter's tantrums. They were scary! But I took his advice, and the minute I started to address the situation properly, kindly, firmly and accepting no bad behaviour without a consequence, things changed immediately.
I could honestly see the relief in Yasmin's eyes when I was finally behaving like a responsible loving parent. The 'step' really worked well for us, Yasmin would say, "No Mammy, not the step!"
And the consequence action still continues today. Now, if Yasmin is misbehaving, even at 10 and a half years of age, I take her aside and tell her that her bad behaviour is unacceptable, I give her a warning, and sometimes where ever we are, I have to carry out that warning, because if I didn't, it wouldn't work and your child would learn that as a parent, you are showing that you have no value.
Although Yasmin loves school, some days when I pick her up, she's sad, withdrawn or upset. I realize that socially, school can be hard for Yasmin as well as sitting for long periods and having to concentrate. How do I deal with this? I encourage her to talk about her day, but I don't push. If she's cheeky, I'll tell her, 'I won't accept bad behaviour', she says 'sorry'. What can I do to make her feel better? Not too much, but I can squeeze her hand while we listen to some of her favourite songs on the cd player. I tell her I love her. Yasmin eventually smiles.
It's ok for your child to go through all of these emotions because this is part of life. I know we would all like to wrap our children in cotton wool, but we can't, but a wise woman told me once (Rosena) we can make our home environment loving and safe and supportive for when they arrive home. Jean xx

Entertaining the kids on Summer Holidays!

So the weekend at 'The Flavors of Fingal' in Donabate was fun for the kids. It had lots of entertainment, but it was expensive and not something us Irish people can afford to do every day of the Summer holidays. So what do you do with a bunch of ten year old girls on their first day of school's out when you're broke after the weekend?
That was my thought exactly yesterday as I had four of Yasmin's school pals over for a play date.
So firstly, I let them play around the house and garden, catching up on their neglected toys and bouncing on the trampolene, while I cooked a lunch and packed a picnic.
Myself and my neighbour Catherine with four kids (three that she minds) decided to go to Donabate beach, North County Dublin.
Donabate beach is a beautiful safe beach with no deep shelving, but deep enough to swim. As usual with the Irish weather, it started out really warm yesterday morning, but as we arrived at the beach at 2.45pm, the wind had got quite strong and the sun had decided to go elsewhere!
But children being brave and adventurous stripped off and headed straight in! Jumping into the cold waves with big squeals of happiness. Not for the faint hearted!
 I remember when my sister in law Darlene and her five children from Texas came to visit one Summer and we brought them up to Donabate beach in the freezing cold weather of June at the time. Their shocked faces told us we were mad! We were indeed. I'm sorry Darlene.xx
Anyway, when the kids were cold enough and turning a good shade of purple and the sandwiches had flavors of sand crunching in them, we headed back to the playground beyond the beach.We piled plenty of jumpers and jackets on the freezing little bodies and shared biscuits and tea and hugs.
The kids were soon stripping off again as they start running around with a ball. A few dock leaf's later after numerous stings from running in through the little forest playing hide and seek, declaring, 'not the worse stings they had ever got'. "Mine was much worse" said Maggie Joe, "Once I fell into a whole bunch of nettles and I was stung all over!" Everybody 'Ooohed.'
Our gang of nine girls and we two stopped at the notoriously famous 'Scrum Diddley's' in Donabate village on the way home for ice cream and coffees and everybody was silently relishing their delicious ice cream at 2.50 euros each for a generous cup and three toppings.
 The kids happy as peas in a pod as we left for home. (I did have to stop once for a little bout of car sickness from Yasmin and all the girls went 'Ugh!' But sure it was grand, 'Not the worse bout', she said)
Day 1 over and Yasmin exhaustedly fell into bed last night with a smile on her face, "What are we doing tomorrow Mammy?"
xx Jean

I couldn't help but smile. xx

We decided to take our ten year old Yasmin and her seven year old pony on their first outside show yesterday. It was at the 'Flavors of Fingal' in Donabate. So we packed the picnic and loaded up Yasmin's pony Eclipse and her friend's pony Victoria and off we went. Just to add an extra bit of stress, we brought our three huskies and five of the girls friends.
I remember the days that I worked in a hair salon and I was glamorously groomed, well this is not what I look like when I'm out with my dogs and pony. Trying to hold three strong willed dogs while my husband helps Yasmin tack up gives me strong muscles, yes, but battered hands also! My hair is a fuzzy mess and my face has a lovely weathered look about it. I now wear a scarf around my neck to finally protect my aging neck and chest from the sun, so no, I'm not the most glamorous horsey mammy out there.
And the day gets off to a flying start when Eclipse decides he's having none of it. He refuses every jump, try's to throw Yasmin off, throws ears back at my husband and gallops off, amazingly with Yasmin still on his back.
The dogs are behaving just as badly as it is a country show, there are plenty of lovely chickens, rabbits and sheep for breakfast, almost within reach of my dogs watering mouths. I spend hours holding on tight trying to swallow a mouthful of deserving coffee with little luck.
That was day 1. There were plenty of tears from Yasmin and complaints from my husband as he was going to strangle the pony for being so bold, and me for getting the worse pony ever and dogs for wanting to eat the livestock. Yes, it was a typical Saturday morning for the Murray's!
Day 2, and it was looking good as Eclipse loaded the box with relative ease. But I'm afraid, as soon as Eclipse saw where he was he started acting up. The judges tried to help him by calming words but announced him as 'Eclipse with a mind of his own.' And yes, Eclipse decided to show everybody he was the boss. He galloped around doing what he wanted to do. More moaning from my husband, more tears from Yasmin and the dogs finally getting the better of me dragged me on my back a few feet towards the chickens. Thankfully I held on tight, almost having my arms pulled out of their sockets and I'm sure I looked the prettiest sight for all.
But when we loaded up the animals and the children, all unharmed Thank God, the seven ten year old girls wanted to travel home in my car. There were five strapped in the back and two in the front including myself. And as we departed 'The Flavors of Fingal Country Fair' the girls were blasting 'Cecilia, from The Vamps' on the CD player and singing at the top of their voices.
And I couldn't help but smile.xxx Jean

Dyspraxia

My last child Yasmin who is ten years and nine months old was diagnosed with Dyspraxia when she was just over five years of age.
Dyspraxia is a delayed developmental disorder of the brain causing difficulties in activities requiring coordination and movement. Inside her Dyspraxia came dyslexia, dyscalculia (maths dyslexia) speech and language comprehension disorder and severe sensory difficulties.
 Yasmin would take a long time to learn a task.
In those early years before a diagnosis, life was very crazy with Yasmin, (my little angel).
The first thing that I noticed was unusual was her car sickness. Yasmin started to get car sickness at six months old. As soon as we got on the road to do basic groceries or errands, Yasmin would vomit up very severely. This happened every day and sometimes twice a day all the way till she was nearly eight years old. ( When her continuous sessions of Occupational therapy kicked in, it really turned things around!)
I spent endless hours pulled up on the side of roads and motor ways trying to clean up her and the car. I managed really well most of the time because as well as being sick, Yasmin would scream hysterically with discomfort or fear. I had to remain calm to reassure her, but a couple of times I had a couple of tantrums myself and scared both Yasmin and Sarah.
There was one time that is a bit funny. Yasmin was about three years old and I was picking up Sarah from the horse yard about six km away. It was a winter's evening, so it was dark and rainy with heavy winds. And it happened, Yasmin said 'Sick, sick!' I got Sarah to pass a bag back to her, (At this point Yasmin could hold a bag to get sick in, it helped a lot!) Yasmin proceeds to get sick and is crying hysterically. I reach back and take the bag when she's finished, (No I don't stop the car and pull in till it's over, I was really tired and just needed to get home:) )I hand the bag to Sarah to hold, (Sarah's thirteen at the time) "No, Ugh, No! I can't hold it!" She squeals. "Oh for God's sake Sarah! Throw it out the window!" I say. (I forgot to mention, that Yasmin has to have the window down in the car in freezing conditions!) Sarah throws the bag out of her window up front and the bag of vomit flies into Yasmin's window at the back! Going all over Yasmin and the car! "Ahghghgh!" I scream, (No I still don't stop the car!) I had to put Yasmin straight into the bath (And water hurts her!) and I cleaned the car the next morning. (I went through a lot of car seats and cars!)
On one of her last bouts of sickness, (I have to share this) we were traveling to JFK Airport in a smelly taxi cab. It was a hot summer day and there was a lot of traffic. The lovely Haiti guy was really chatty, but he was jamming on the breaks every couple of minutes. Yasmin was crying, she felt really ill. The inevitable happens. Thankfully we had one plastic bag and Yasmin filled it well and then I felt so ill, I had to get sick too! As Myself and Yasmin were vomiting in the bag, the taxi guy was saying to my husband, "Are they ok?" And my hubby says, "Just keep driving, they're grand," The smell was killing him!
Yasmin said later, "Oh Mam, your sick really smelled!"
In the last five years of solid help for Yasmin, she has come along way. Yes it took her a long time for her to learn to ride a bike and skip and swim, (mastering swimming in the last year!) And she had many injuries from falling while just playing, broken leg, arms, elbows, wrists, head bump, and nasty gashes.
I was a nervous wreck by the time she started pony lessons at age five and after many falls, you wouldn't believe what she has mastered in pony riding today! She says it is her passion. (Pony riding is very good for children with difficulties)
 Yasmin loves school (Rathbeggan National school) and all her friends. She knows she's a bit different in ways, but she also knows everybody is different. Although she finds literal and numerical work difficult, she is eager to learn.
Her planning and organizational skills and showers are something that I'm going to be helping with for a long time, but I'm happy to do it.
There were a hard few years and I am grateful to all who has helped Yasmin achieve her milestones.
Now, as she approaches puberty age, I ask her, "Will I show you that book on body changes for growing girls?" And she says.
"Not yet mammy."
Jean xx

An ordinary life!

As I wake each morning, I remind myself that life is a gift and to cherish every moment. I am so glad that my family are healthy and safe and that is also a gift for me. I am grateful for each new day of Irish unruly weather and it's wonderful fresh air.
I started to practice this brain washing about three years ago in order to battle my negative brain that was depressed. This really started to help me and had real and lasting results. It doesn't cure depression, because depressed brains also have a chemical imbalance. Depression will come and go like the flu, but when it does, I'm kinder to myself now. I listen to my mind and body and take care of it. I still practice positive thinking and gratitude because that is so important to me.
Of course, I still have to tackle my daily duties of life, being a Mother, a Wife, cleaning my house. I wrestle the job of balancing our bills like every other parent with the endless lists of needs, so I'm not going around like 'Maria' from 'The Sound of Music'! I make lots of mistakes!
But that is life. Life is a challenging road. A learning road.
I found it very easy to write my book 'My beautiful flower' because it was a discovery book about myself. The road I took in life, the mistakes I made and the lessons I learned.
It's a beautiful journey of someone who is nobody special. An ordinary person's life, that I'm sure there are loads of you with a life like mine. But every body's life is special, just like every body's birth is so individually different and special.
I tell my story about my life that is beautiful and individual even though it has it's sadness and devastation. I am always aware on my journey through life that God's beautiful Earth surrounds my every moment of my travels and I share that with you even in my moment's of pain. I laugh at myself in places and I know you will laugh too at similar things you did in your life too.
jean xx

I'm always in trouble!

It's true.
I've spent a lot of my life being in trouble for some impulsive act or another (all legal) which seemed like a good idea at the time.
To be honest, I've always been happy enough with my impulsive act of choice at the time and they mostly had good out comes, (apart from the one where I walked 'The Burragh Mountains', Fenore County Clare in a heavy fog and got lost for four hours! Or the one where I decided to walk home from the 'Mall in Naples, Florida' when I was 20, only to realize after walking for over three hours that I was on The Tamiami Trail and I was heading for Miami and I was lost!)
Yes, I have lived to tell the tale. But why haven't I learned from the mistakes I have made?
 I know when I am making a decision to do something at the time, my inner voice says, 'It'll be ok'  but where is my cautious voice saying 'Wait a minute, think this through'. That normally arrives afterwards saying 'Oops, you shouldn't have done that!'
Because my decision inevitably effects someone else's pocket (my husband's) and they may not like my decision at the time and then I get into trouble. And I carry a lot of guilt, believe me.
And in a follow up from my last blog 'The cost of Living',  limited finances prevents us in being free to make a lot of decisions.
As a very hard worker all my life, I guess I spent more than I earned. That is the reason that my own bank just meets it's needs, not it's luxuries.
So after my break down a couple of years ago, maybe I could've just sat there at 45 years of age and said, 'Ok, that's me done. I have tried and not succeeded in being successful.'
But my little girl, Yasmin, with her challenges was working hard, learning to read, spell and count and she inspired me to get up and try again.
So although I am still making mistakes and getting into trouble, I have come a long way in other areas and I have learned a lot from life.
But life is a continuos challenging road. And I still have lots to learn. I guess if it was all so simple, it would be boring?
 I'm so sorry. My intention is not to upset anyone in the process of me living!
I am not perfect. I am only human and I make mistakes, but my heart is in the right place.
 xx Jean