Sometimes I find my life very difficult. And I'm not thinking of ending it or anything, I'm in a much healthier mental place than before I wrote my book 'My Beautiful flower'. I practice my gratitude and positivity each morning which really helps. But I am around people who are surrounded with negativity and resentment and it drags me down. I think I'm handling it fairly well. I know there is little I can do to get them to release their minds from negativity and resentments, if they don't want to let go, face the problems they are encountering because of their negativity, but it pains me.
I realized over the past couple of years how negativity can really hold you back. Ok, being positive that you are going to win the lotto is not going to make you win, but being positive that you can be better, your life can be better, you can improve your circumstances, will boost your morale.
And that really works.
I certainly believe God gives us the path we need. To find the way through the maze that will make us better people, to work on each area of our imperfect personality before we are ready to go to Heaven.
I take a long time completing jigsaws. I don't cheat, I don't easily find the missing pieces or indeed the way out of the maze. And as I'm writing this, I realize that this is my challenge.
And I have to keep on going. And I have to keep on trying.
I can see the fruits of my hard work on my two beautiful girls. I'm proud of my parenting skills on these two. That's when I realized that God's angels were guiding me, helping me.
That's when I opened my eyes and saw.
I know I failed my older child. I was always too busy then to bond.
I live with that loss every day.
Wednesday 22 April 2015
Sunday 19 April 2015
jean murray: The terrible thing about face book!
jean murray: The terrible thing about face book!: It's all very well catching up on face book with friends, but when you get into the private chatting it can be really good until you mak...
The terrible thing about face book!
It's all very well catching up on face book with friends, but when you get into the private chatting it can be really good until you make a mistake.
I like writing chat because you can choose your words carefully and it's a good way of keeping in contact with those of whom you no longer have the time or opportunity to visit.
As we all know family and friends can annoy us at times, like we can annoy or upset them. But never combine your annoyance with your chats on face book because disaster will inevitably strike, like it happened to me on Saturday.
I was chatting to three people at a go, very ambitious for me actually! While one chat was annoyed at me over an issue, I was bitching back about it on another chat. Now you know what happened don't you? Yes, I posted it public!! An accident of course, but serves me right! I put all this person's personal information out there for the world to see, (Thankfully I got it down after 17 people saw it, but no excuses) Shame on me.
It wasn't only bad for the said person, it was very bad for me.
It dragged me back down to that awful place of nastiness. I have worked really hard on myself over the past few years to be a genuine person. Finding myself, being true to myself, taking responsibility for my actions, changing into a better mother, sister, daughter, friend. I've been doing a good job too. I've really focused on positivity and relinquished negativities and resentments and bitterness until this moment.
Things sometimes happen for a reason and maybe it forced some issues to the surface that needed to be addressed. But it takes you back a few steps into guilt and shame and that's another thing that you now have to ask forgiveness for and to try to forgive yourself for being so imperfect.
I like writing chat because you can choose your words carefully and it's a good way of keeping in contact with those of whom you no longer have the time or opportunity to visit.
As we all know family and friends can annoy us at times, like we can annoy or upset them. But never combine your annoyance with your chats on face book because disaster will inevitably strike, like it happened to me on Saturday.
I was chatting to three people at a go, very ambitious for me actually! While one chat was annoyed at me over an issue, I was bitching back about it on another chat. Now you know what happened don't you? Yes, I posted it public!! An accident of course, but serves me right! I put all this person's personal information out there for the world to see, (Thankfully I got it down after 17 people saw it, but no excuses) Shame on me.
It wasn't only bad for the said person, it was very bad for me.
It dragged me back down to that awful place of nastiness. I have worked really hard on myself over the past few years to be a genuine person. Finding myself, being true to myself, taking responsibility for my actions, changing into a better mother, sister, daughter, friend. I've been doing a good job too. I've really focused on positivity and relinquished negativities and resentments and bitterness until this moment.
Things sometimes happen for a reason and maybe it forced some issues to the surface that needed to be addressed. But it takes you back a few steps into guilt and shame and that's another thing that you now have to ask forgiveness for and to try to forgive yourself for being so imperfect.
Wednesday 15 April 2015
jean murray: I knew she was dead!
jean murray: I knew she was dead!: So here's another young woman Karen Buckley now found dead in Glasgow. The young man only 21 apparently is the killer. What is wrong wit...
I knew she was dead!
So here's another young woman Karen Buckley now found dead in Glasgow. The young man only 21 apparently is the killer. What is wrong with these men? So, they want to rape, they want to control, they want to hurt, bad enough as all that is, at least the victim has a chance to recover, to live their life. But death, they can't come back from that. How much effort must it take to kill the person, surely it must cross the killer's mind during that effort, that he can stop, leave it now, walk away, take the lessor punishment that will come. But now, locked up for life, both families traumatized. But the loss of a daughter for these poor people. Who can help them live again? Free from immense pain and torment.
And that beautiful girl will never have her degree, will never have a wedding, will never be a Mother.
Have these thoughts crossed your mind while you were squeezing the air from her lungs? Or are you too self absorbed in your own misery's to realize that not only you have problems? Everybody has problems, worries, fears, issues, even that poor young girl that you've just taken the chance of her ever working it out away from her.
It's pure selfish greed. The moment of anger, of hate, of resentment, of blame.
You fool.
And that beautiful girl will never have her degree, will never have a wedding, will never be a Mother.
Have these thoughts crossed your mind while you were squeezing the air from her lungs? Or are you too self absorbed in your own misery's to realize that not only you have problems? Everybody has problems, worries, fears, issues, even that poor young girl that you've just taken the chance of her ever working it out away from her.
It's pure selfish greed. The moment of anger, of hate, of resentment, of blame.
You fool.
jean murray: All coming at me!
jean murray: All coming at me!: I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn't slapping my face every five minutes. At 48 year...
All coming at me!
I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn't slapping my face every five minutes.
At 48 years of age, I have a full house in my home. My husband Anthony age 52, my son Anthony age 25, Catherine 32, my husband's niece, who came to live with us at age 13 when her Mam died and her Dad, my husband's brother, was suffering with alcoholism. She left us at age 20 to go and live her life, but she's back now a few month's, (I'll go into that in a minute). My second child Sarah is 19 and just finishing her first year in college and my last child Yasmin aged 10 in third class.
Oh, our three huskies, Skye, Storm and Sully!
My poor husband, God help him, is now having health difficulties. It actually started when he was only 35 when he was diagnosed with cists on his kidneys which causes blood pressure and he may need dialysis at some point in his life. Blood pressure problems inevitably lead to heart problems which is why he is now in the Mater having his heart rythem regulated. My husband's parents died when he was little, so his diet was very bad. On his own admission he lived on fried, salty, fatty foods. He began drinking alcohol at age 10 and was addicted quite quickly. He also smoked, just in his 20's, for a few years, but also quite heavily. So, unfortunately, he's in bits.
My son Anthony left home at 18 years of age. In my book, I tell you I could see it happening, how I was losing him. I remember how much I loved my son when he came into this world and as a child; He was such a good lad. But some how, through my own fault, (depression, bad moods, controlling parenting skills, you name it) I lost him. Acknowledging the effects I was having on my children, I worked really hard to change and I did, I have. And he came back two years ago, to save for his future wedding next year. I am truly happy for him, his future wife is a beautiful girl. But Anthony has never recovered his bond to me. I understand, but it doesn't make it easier. To bear a son and for him not to be a son is very difficult. My son wouldn't be rude to me, or aggressive in any shape or form. He just doesn't need me or want to need me. I do accept the damage I've caused, so I ask God to help me and guide me and guide him. Of course, I'm not a saint, so I gave him a telling off last night or some home truths. Adding some more fuel to his resentment pile.
My daughter Sarah, thankfully, I got wind of the damage my parenting skills were doing and changed just in the nick of time to be better for her. But Sarah was a quite child, a pet, an angel, and I was pushy and forceful. As I say, thankfully, we went to family therapy at that point to figure things out, to learn how to do it better and Sarah is a daughter to me. She is a typical teenager in every way, but she'll talk to me, be annoyed with me, be happy with me. She had a tough year in her first year of Art college, although extremely creative, she struggles socially and it takes her a while to find her feet. She suffered severe migrains, bad skin problems, low self esteem, but her tutor is really good for her, she listens to him and learns.
My daughter Yasmin is full on; Because of her delayed mental development, I still organize her and manage her and help her with lots of stuff, even though she's 10. I don't mind doing this, Yasmin is truly meeting all of her milestones in her own pace and I am confident she will be an educated, functioning adult when her time comes. But she keeps me on my toes; No lie on, no sitting back at the swimming pool while others are washing and drying their own hair at this point and lots more things that she needs help with; But I am so grateful I can do all this with love, kindness and compassion.
Back to Catherine; Catherine left home at 20 to find herself. She found out she was gay, an alcoholic, a smoker, a drug user and depressed. And now she's found out she's pregnant!
I am of course delighted for her, because everyone deserves to know that love that is to love a child; But just when I'm thinking to myself, ok, Yasmin is nearly 11 now, I can devote a little more time to myself, my writing, my relationship with my husband, which actually takes a lot of work! Now this. I don't mind the house being filled with baby things again, but I am concerned about another baby in the house. How will Yasmin feel? Will I be able to cope with Yasmin and a baby who may or may not sleep and everything else that comes with a baby? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I can do this for Catherine. I'm scared that I will put myself last again and my kids. God knows I've little enough time for them as it is. I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm tired, I'm confused. I'm a little annoyed.
Am I being selfish?
At 48 years of age, I have a full house in my home. My husband Anthony age 52, my son Anthony age 25, Catherine 32, my husband's niece, who came to live with us at age 13 when her Mam died and her Dad, my husband's brother, was suffering with alcoholism. She left us at age 20 to go and live her life, but she's back now a few month's, (I'll go into that in a minute). My second child Sarah is 19 and just finishing her first year in college and my last child Yasmin aged 10 in third class.
Oh, our three huskies, Skye, Storm and Sully!
My poor husband, God help him, is now having health difficulties. It actually started when he was only 35 when he was diagnosed with cists on his kidneys which causes blood pressure and he may need dialysis at some point in his life. Blood pressure problems inevitably lead to heart problems which is why he is now in the Mater having his heart rythem regulated. My husband's parents died when he was little, so his diet was very bad. On his own admission he lived on fried, salty, fatty foods. He began drinking alcohol at age 10 and was addicted quite quickly. He also smoked, just in his 20's, for a few years, but also quite heavily. So, unfortunately, he's in bits.
My son Anthony left home at 18 years of age. In my book, I tell you I could see it happening, how I was losing him. I remember how much I loved my son when he came into this world and as a child; He was such a good lad. But some how, through my own fault, (depression, bad moods, controlling parenting skills, you name it) I lost him. Acknowledging the effects I was having on my children, I worked really hard to change and I did, I have. And he came back two years ago, to save for his future wedding next year. I am truly happy for him, his future wife is a beautiful girl. But Anthony has never recovered his bond to me. I understand, but it doesn't make it easier. To bear a son and for him not to be a son is very difficult. My son wouldn't be rude to me, or aggressive in any shape or form. He just doesn't need me or want to need me. I do accept the damage I've caused, so I ask God to help me and guide me and guide him. Of course, I'm not a saint, so I gave him a telling off last night or some home truths. Adding some more fuel to his resentment pile.
My daughter Sarah, thankfully, I got wind of the damage my parenting skills were doing and changed just in the nick of time to be better for her. But Sarah was a quite child, a pet, an angel, and I was pushy and forceful. As I say, thankfully, we went to family therapy at that point to figure things out, to learn how to do it better and Sarah is a daughter to me. She is a typical teenager in every way, but she'll talk to me, be annoyed with me, be happy with me. She had a tough year in her first year of Art college, although extremely creative, she struggles socially and it takes her a while to find her feet. She suffered severe migrains, bad skin problems, low self esteem, but her tutor is really good for her, she listens to him and learns.
My daughter Yasmin is full on; Because of her delayed mental development, I still organize her and manage her and help her with lots of stuff, even though she's 10. I don't mind doing this, Yasmin is truly meeting all of her milestones in her own pace and I am confident she will be an educated, functioning adult when her time comes. But she keeps me on my toes; No lie on, no sitting back at the swimming pool while others are washing and drying their own hair at this point and lots more things that she needs help with; But I am so grateful I can do all this with love, kindness and compassion.
Back to Catherine; Catherine left home at 20 to find herself. She found out she was gay, an alcoholic, a smoker, a drug user and depressed. And now she's found out she's pregnant!
I am of course delighted for her, because everyone deserves to know that love that is to love a child; But just when I'm thinking to myself, ok, Yasmin is nearly 11 now, I can devote a little more time to myself, my writing, my relationship with my husband, which actually takes a lot of work! Now this. I don't mind the house being filled with baby things again, but I am concerned about another baby in the house. How will Yasmin feel? Will I be able to cope with Yasmin and a baby who may or may not sleep and everything else that comes with a baby? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I can do this for Catherine. I'm scared that I will put myself last again and my kids. God knows I've little enough time for them as it is. I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm tired, I'm confused. I'm a little annoyed.
Am I being selfish?
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