What a gift to have!

Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I was as normal as anybody else.
I remember when I was 13 and I started to push my boundaries, my dad wasn't able to cope. Although he loved us, he couldn't demonstrate this by constructive conversations to work out problems. His parenting skills were relative of the times (late 70's), controlling, fearful and suspicious. My Ma's parenting skills were the opposite, encouraging, supporting, accepting. She was a natural parent. What a gift to have.
Anyway as a result of my boundaries always being shortened, I became rebellious and resentful, secretive and defensive. Even though my Ma was the nicer parent, I blamed her for Dad being so tough.
 So I guess I was a mean teenager.
I did my duty as a daughter of course, my chores in the house and paying my wages to my Ma when I went to work, but I don't think I was a nice daughter in my teenage years. I know I wasn't.
I changed of course when I had my first child at 22. All of a sudden I knew the love and the pain my parents went through in being parents. I became a better daughter. I became a nicer daughter.
And all the time, my mother never judged me, she was always there with her big smile waiting to greet me! Amazing.
My Dad and I had a lot more work to do and I'm happy to say that before he died, we both had forgiven and I enjoyed some nice times that I could show him I cared.
You see, it was all very well when I was a teenager to be mean and spiteful, I didn't really know any better. I was still a child. I started to grow up when I took responsibility for my own bad behavior and acknowledged that I had to change it.
With the best intentions in the world, I made the same parenting mistakes myself on my first child. So much so, that I lost that child.
Yes he's an adult now and yes he should be trying to work out his resentments, but he's not ready.
So, I live everyday having lost a child. It's painful and it's sad.
I thank God of course that he is healthy and independent and he still walks this earth unlike friends of mine who's children are with God already.
But I have lost him.
Will I be like my mother with the smile if he ever returns.
I'm not sure.

Some more info on my depression

My depression leaves me feeling weak. Weak in my body and in my mind. Although I'm two weeks now with my bout of depression, I think it should be leaving me soon. I am sleeping better or more. I am still tired when I wake up in the morning, and I am weak, physically.
Today I will make myself go swimming. I will groom myself, at least I will begin to look better.
That will help.

It will pass

I have been struggling with my depression lately.
Depression is a funny illness. It's really hard to describe at times, but for me, there is a lot going on in my life at the moment and although I thought I was doing well, inevitably the load wears me down easily. It begins with me feeling bad about myself, in my mind and then my body doesn't feel well. There is a numbness, a deadness. It becomes an effort to perform my basic tasks.
Everything is a challenge.
I talk to as little people as I can manage and only to those I feel truly at ease with. At ease with looking like a wreck. I can't color my hair, do my nails or eyebrows. Or put on make up. I wear the same clothes day in day out. I wash my basics everyday.
At those moments that is all I can manage.
I'm feeling ok today, which means I could function a little bit more. I'm aware that I have to function for my daughters.
I know that God is helping me through this and that I am ok. It is just an illness that will pass.

Depression

How long is it going to take to feel well again? To feel motivated? I would like to be able to go to bed and pull the covers over my head, but my 10 year old Yasmin needs a mammy to entertain her, do something with her. I'll take her to the aquatic centre. At least then I can shower her and be forced to shower myself, as I can't do it.
I can't do anything.
I am numb. I am feeling ill.
Who can I burden with myself?
No one.

Depression

How long is it going to take to feel well again?

Just for a moment....

For a moment,  I remembered why I fell in love with you....

You used to look at me the way Bruno Mars looks at his audience, he loves every moment of how his songs make people feel that he is really talking to them.  He sings the words and he means the words; You used to do that.

Then it was gone.

Is it me?

I don't know anything anymore. I thought I was an ok person, with good values. What's wrong with liking people and wanting to include them in your life? Isn't there room for everyone? Why do some resent me for that?
What's wrong with using my husband's credit card to book things for myself and my kids? So, I like to go on holidays and have good seats at concerts, What's wrong with that? He's included also. I know he can afford it at the moment, but he doesn't want to spend his money on luxuries. He wants to pay off his mortgages, but that will take forever. Truly they are very high. He chose to invest in property. I supported him. It's doing ok. Everything's rented and is slowly paying itself off. But he wants to pay it faster. So we don't live. Can I live like that? Am I selfish? Am I really selfish?
I've been quite good in the recession I think, I didn't buy anything for myself, I paid my bills, I looked after my kids, ok, so they have expensive horse riding hobbies. Is that so wrong? It's good for them.
So, I come from a poor place, am I not to inspire to have more, want more? Shouldn't I have my own standard of good manners and etiquette? What's wrong with that? And why does it piss off my family so much? I'm not sitting down expecting nice things to fall in my lap. I've worked hard for nice things in my life. As far as I can see, I've nothing different than anybody else has and I want everybody to have what they want. I'm delighted to see people with nice things.
Why are people so quick to judge? I don't judge how they live their life, how they spend their money. Why do people think they can tell me how to spend my money? I don't work for my husband, I'm his wife of 20 years now, together nearly 30 years, isn't what's his mine? What's mine I share without question on my kids, on my husband, on my family.
Just because I failed to be financially successful in my own right, but I did try. I was out there in the work place all my life up till three years ago, when it became impossible to for me mentally to physically work and take care of my children, my home.
And I'm trying again, I'm trying to be an author. I'm writing books. Of course it's a slow process in becoming someone who can make money from writing, but I am trying. It's my only hope for now.
Should I, Can I be the good wife who takes what she is given and just be grateful.
Is that me? Why can't that be me?