The difference between love and lust!

In talking to the single women out there these days, sisters, nieces, daughters, cousins and friends, it seems it doesn't matter what age you but the men out there have become shits. It seems it's all too true that the nice guys are nabbed young and the bad guys are left for all of the rest of the poor unfortunate ladies.
So what's going on? You can slag off the 60's and 70's all you want but there were a lot more mannerly young men out there. Yes, I'm sure they had their high sexual need that motivated their manners, but at least they had manners! They asked you to dance, they bought you a drink and they dated you a few times before they got down to the nitty gritty of their needs. And then they didn't dump you afterwards either! They were happy to have a relationship with you and wine and dine you... and treat you like a lady!
Yes, they were the days and unfortunately, it seems that those days of gentlemen are gone forever.
The 'New Man' of today meets the lucky lady at the club. Their eyes meet, the girl/woman feels a connection and they go straight into kissing. Granted, a half litre of vodka may have graced their mouths first and given them the confidence of inhibition. There's great passion involved and the girl/woman thinks at this point she's met her soulmate because he misleads her to believe that with his tender touching and holding her in a special way that sends shivers inside her.  When they can't go any further in the bar, they quickly head back to someone's car, flat or even around the back of the club will do. It doesn't take long. The new man has no intention of calling the number she gives him and then the heartache begins. She thought he had showed genuine feelings during their interlude and he was just putting on the charm. How did she read it so wrong? Can a woman really ever tell the difference between a man's lustful feelings and genuine love? It seems we can't.
 The guy is just too good an actor.
 The new man doesn't want a girlfriend. He just wants a ride. As I say, they come in all ages.
 The young guys don't want to be stuck with a girlfriend that costs him lots of money especially since he has no problem having regular sex with a new girl each week.
 The older guy has just come out of a marriage and definitely doesn't want to go back there again, so he's happy to take the sex and go. And then there's the men who cheat on their wives and don't have to make a commitment.
The new men need to watch out. The women of today take great care of their looks and their style. They're very pretty. They're most likely bright smart women. And they are copping on to the difference between lust and love.
Pretty soon it will be you guys who will be left on the shelf and the woman will have the last laugh.xx
Jean

'Craggy Island!'

I don't know if anyone remember's 'Father Ted', the very funny Irish TV sitcom from the 90's? Basically it was laughing at our mad Irish selves with our then core Catholicism and the basis of our every day lives being priests and nuns. It was set in the west of Ireland and it made me laugh. I can tell you it had the best cast of fabulous actors, Father Dougal (Ardal O'Hanlon) Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn), Father Jack (Frank Kelly) and the brilliant Dermot Morgan who played Father Ted himself. The series came to a sad end because of Dermot Morgan's untimely death.
Anyway, what's my point?
Well, I can honestly tell you, I love holidaying in Ireland. Even the unreliable weather doesn't put me off. We really do have a beautiful scenic Country. So, I didn't hesitate when my sisters where planning to come to Trabolgan Holiday Village, South Cork for this week in July. As I've never been to Trabolgan before, I didn't know exactly what to expect. But I should have known, 'Craggy Island' is alive and well, as we are well and truly here! And I can honestly tell you, the minute us Sutton sisters start planning a holiday, the sun goes in and the rain comes down. You could've mistakenly taken yesterday the 11th July for a grey November day. But did that dampen our spirits? No, not us Irish, we will not be defeated! So we donned our shorts and sunscreen, (just in case!) and got on with things. There's quite a gang of us Dub's, (17 in this group) of kids and adults alike. The kids were initially traumatised with no network or wifi anywhere to be got, (there is a small bit of wifi in the coffee shop) but soon realised they better all start talking to each now they'd nothing else to do! We started off with the outdoor activities that included a not unimpressive racing track, that the kids discovered the inner rally drivers! At 7 euros a go, it is quite expensive and you wouldn't see your few bob going fast. Three times later and when the rain started to pelt down, we headed to the swimming pool. Where we put off with the slowest water slide in history? Not at all, the kids trudged on. I was the elected water mammy of the kids and surprised myself with the fun I had playing ball games with my gang of nine 9 to 15 year olds.  When I couldn't keep the kids in the pool for a moment longer, we went to shower and change. Not for the faint hearted or the modest customer. I can only tell you it was hilarious!
We were all looking forward to the entertainment of the evening which included Bingo! And we nearly won too! After giving 'Dumb and Dumber two' (the entertainers from Craggy Island themselves) a good shot, we headed to the pub as one can only do in Ireland! And there was more Bingo with cash prizes! And we nearly won that too! The kids had a grand time playing one lane bowling after waiting in turn for a couple of hours. Sure it gave us a chance for a relaxing pint! And they won thousands of those ticket things that got them a lovely lollipop in the little shop just before they closed at 10 o clock!
I'm not laughing at you Trabolgan, I'm laughing with you!
And the kids, are they miserable? Absolutely not! They're having a great time!
xx Jean

What couples argue about most...

I would have thought that the least thing that myself and my husband would argue about over the years is money. But that is exactly what we do.
My husband and many others that we know think that I am spend thrift. The truth is, I am not. True, our bills and our children's nessessities can be very high and I spend our money on those things, but luxury's truly, no.  I do like luxuries but the recession sorted out the difference between what I needed and what I wanted. Apart from holidays. My only personal luxury is booking holidays. I guess you could say I need holidays. It's not like I go off on my own! I bring my husband and children too!
 It's just when I see the opportunity to go somewhere especially to see family members, I go for it. I love a big family holiday. The kids love it, the women love it. The men might not love it....
Myself and the hubby are two different personalities granted, and maybe I can afford to be a bit casual about the size of our outgoings because I'm not the one who has earned the majority of our money, but in saying that, I have no problem spending my own earned money on our family either. So I'm not a taker only, I'm a giver also. Where am I going with this? A couple of months ago, my hubby got himself stuck in a resentment mode towards me. Why? Because I did my usual thing and booked an extra family holiday after being a bit careless with a bit of his hard earned dosh. Of course he gave me the speech about the size of our mortgages and hows he's trying to get them sorted and I truly understand that, I do! I'm working hard to try help also! He lasted quite a while in this resentment mode and I can tell you, living with someone who gives you the silent treatment for a few weeks is pure torture. So, I guess I had enough. He looked miserable so I thought he was miserable. Maybe he was quite happy having a bit of peace in all the silence?
So what do I do? Something crazy. Something for my husband to come back to me and say,
'I've pushed you too far.'
Well I can't really tell you what I did, (because even my friends said, I wasn't in my right state of mind, it's true) but why does it always take drastic measures to make a man own up to his own responsibilities? Why can't they just identify the exact problem at the time and just deal with that instead of burying it with all the other issues they have resulting in them not knowing why they were silently resentful in the first place!

A follow up from my poem 'Under the Great Gates of the Bank of Ireland'

Just giving you some more back round information on how I wrote the poem about homeless people.
Anybody living in a city will have come across homeless people many times as there are many people homeless. These days, there are a lot of young people who are homeless. We all feel pity for these people because we see them at their most vunerable. They are exposed to us all. We see them unclean, where they sleep, what they eat and drink and their habits.
The rest of us do all the same thing, but we have the dignity of privacy. I used to sit outside the wax museum on Dame street, Dublin, sipping my Starbucks coffee while waiting for Yasmin to do a speech and language drama class in the Gaiety school of acting in the Temple Bar area. It was in the height of our recession in 2012 and I didn't have any spare cash to pay parking, never mind go shopping. So I'd sit in the car and drink my cappuchino, (I could afford that).
It was 11.30 am every Saturday morning and there were always the few homeless people sleeping beside those great big steel gates of the Bank of Ireland's back door.
These lads were only teenage boys and it was really sad to see them so young at this stage in their life. What drove them to it? Abuse at home? Undiagnosed learning difficulties that prevented them fitting in?
Anyway, what ever it was, it made these young kids feel more at home on the streets of Dublin, where drugs became their friend. I couldn't do much to help these people, I had my own huge responsibilities, but I could treat them with respect and I could teach my children to treat them with respect. I truly admire the many people of Ireland who give up their time to help these homeless people and the parents who have just lots their kids to drugs. They do their best to get these kids a bed for the night, but they have to be sober and in at a certain time and these kids aren't ready to do that.
When the sleeping bodies awoke, they would gather up their pennies to try buy a cup of tea or coffee from Starbucks. What ever spare I had, I would give to them and sometimes I would get their cuppa's for them. Although very heavily drugged, I noticed their concern for each other.
These young people were very grateful for any small help.
Another day, towards Christmas, when I walked up to Gino's ice cream place on Grafton street with my girls, there was an obvious homeless person in front of me ordering two of the largest ice cream cups he could buy. He had collected about 10 euros from begging that evening and he was bringing his pal back an ice cream who couldn't walk up that far. (I was thinking of what state that poor creature could be in) He was about 30 and he was carrying his black bag of belongings because he couldn't leave it anywhere. I was chatting with him as I would any person and I could see other people staring in distaste as he had the slow talk of a drug user, but he wasn't in any way aggressive. The guy needed a bag of a sort to help carry the ice cream and I gave him a little bag and he was delighted. 'Merry christmas' he bade me as he went on his way.
Some people who live on the streets for a good few years, like my husband's cousin Liam Mcmahon who lives under Queens Bridge in New York, can never adjust to living under a roof again. Living outside in extreme conditions has an effect on the mind. Homeless people are always on the look out for people who want to bash them or kick them for no reason. Liam was beaten very badly before and that made him very suspicious. Liam lost everything because of his alcoholism.
But he still deserve's to be treated with respect. That's all he wants. xx Jean

Another poem from my book 'My beautiful Flower' by Jean Murray

I wrote this poem when I felt so sad for my little girl Yasmin, after a plane journey to France. It was one of many plane journey's that other passengers felt they could be openly rude to my daughter because of her over excitement or anguish on the plane. Having Dyspraxia,Yasmin looked like any other child at seven years of age. They wouldn't know that her mental developmental age at the time was only four. Children don't behave badly for no reason. Sometimes there's an underlying condition. Sometimes it's allowed bad behaviour. Sometimes there's problems at home that effects the kids. Sometimes there's abuse. There is always a reason.

I see my beautiful child,
not with a disability,
She wants to dance
She wants to sing
She likes being pretty.

I see my beautiful child,
She wants to run
She wants to swim
She wants to show jump competitively!

I don't see her disability.
I let her dance
I let her run
I let her sing
I let her swim
I'll let her show jump competitively!

She works so hard,
She likes to please,
I don't see her disability!

Some don't see what I see,
What a loss for them.
Because if they looked at this beautiful child,
They would learn God's wishes.

I thought I might share a poem with you from my book that I wrote about the homeless.

'Under the Great Gates of the Bank of Ireland'

What age are those feet under that blanket?
They look so young
And the stench of urine that surrounds them
It sickens my stomach.
I should stay here to feel what real pain is,
Real Loss.
Real Dysfunction.
The ground must be cold and hard even with an extra sleeping bag underneath him...
And boxes to sleep on.
Whose child is this?
No Mother to care?
Only the others like him...
They bring the hot tea, a sandwich to share.
Then the other stuff and tin foil.
All their faces weathered red and sleepy heads,
Teeth not good.
Faces so young, so old.
So grateful for anything.
The boy loves hot chocolate with five spoons of sugar.
'Thanks Love,
God Bless You."


By Jean Murray

The dangers of allowing bad behaviour in your home.

It starts out with the terrible two's tantrums. Some parents look at their little angel and are so concerned that that are in distress, that they will do anything to comfort them, or give them anything. Wrong straight away, because I think the first thing to remember is, that it is ok to be upset. Toddlers don't know how to express their emotions so it comes out as a tantrum. As a parent, addressing that tantrum properly from the very first will decide the child's future. If it's unacceptable or unreasonable, tell them so, take them away from the situation firmly, but kindly and give them a consequence. Teaching your child that they have to accept their own responsibilities for their bad behaviour is a valuable lesson. Believing that your child will never get over his/her distress and trying to comfort him/her with goodies is setting him/her up for failure in his life.
I see it all the time myself. Different personalities in parents or 'afraid of the scene' parents are enabling their children to be bad behaviour growing children and then adults.
Of course, you have to find the right balance. I was a tough parent on my first child, so I got it wrong. Judging and critisizing a child will only teach them to be secretive and untrusting. Hitting will only teach them to fear.
When my last little angel started to have severe tantrums, (ok, because of her difficulties, but there's still no excuse not to deal with the situation properly) I rang the ADHD helpline, because before any of her assessments, I was sure it was ADHD. Thankfully, a very helpful man got on the phone to me. He pointed out to me, that I should stop allowing bad behaviour from my child straight away. I wasn't helping her. The truth was, I didn't know how to deal with my little 4 year old daughter's tantrums. They were scary! But I took his advice, and the minute I started to address the situation properly, kindly, firmly and accepting no bad behaviour without a consequence, things changed immediately.
I could honestly see the relief in Yasmin's eyes when I was finally behaving like a responsible loving parent. The 'step' really worked well for us, Yasmin would say, "No Mammy, not the step!"
And the consequence action still continues today. Now, if Yasmin is misbehaving, even at 10 and a half years of age, I take her aside and tell her that her bad behaviour is unacceptable, I give her a warning, and sometimes where ever we are, I have to carry out that warning, because if I didn't, it wouldn't work and your child would learn that as a parent, you are showing that you have no value.
Although Yasmin loves school, some days when I pick her up, she's sad, withdrawn or upset. I realize that socially, school can be hard for Yasmin as well as sitting for long periods and having to concentrate. How do I deal with this? I encourage her to talk about her day, but I don't push. If she's cheeky, I'll tell her, 'I won't accept bad behaviour', she says 'sorry'. What can I do to make her feel better? Not too much, but I can squeeze her hand while we listen to some of her favourite songs on the cd player. I tell her I love her. Yasmin eventually smiles.
It's ok for your child to go through all of these emotions because this is part of life. I know we would all like to wrap our children in cotton wool, but we can't, but a wise woman told me once (Rosena) we can make our home environment loving and safe and supportive for when they arrive home. Jean xx