The daughter who had to leave home

 This a a story about my Mother and my sister who had to emigrate to Canada six years ago.
 
 
 It was the saddest day of all when my sister had to depart in the Fall of 2011,
 She was one of six daughters to Marie
  And Christy who sadly passed away a few short years before,
 Mam loved her close family unit and when her fourteen grandchildren came along,
 as close as her own brood,
 She was never happier than to see them altogether
 squabbling and laughing
 Just like her own

 Mam never had much in life
 Raising her own children right slap bang in the middle of the 70’s recession
 Her husband took to the drink and lost his job
 He was angry and sad
 My Mam was like a trojan then
 What a wonderful woman who stood by her man with grace and humility
 She made wonderful dinners from little
 and loved and lived for her children
 She was never angry or blaming
 And had great faith in God!

 An amazing gift she had through all of those years
 Was to open the hall door on our arrival from a tough day at school,
 hungry from the cold and a long wintry day,
 Was to greet us always with a smile
 And a bowl of stew

 Our house was poor with holes in the walls from my poor Dad’s depression
 And window’s were often broken
 But it was always clean
 And when Christmas came along there was no-one like my Dad who was in full festive cheer
 He helped all the neighbours bone and roll their Turkey’s and Hams
 Happily accepting a glass of Whiskey for his trouble…
 He played his Christmas music on the record player for all to here
 And he brought the funniest shaped Christmas tree home one year!
 We all said he must have cut it down himself from some where……
 But we sat around that tree and sang Christmas Carols….
 And Santa brought us presents too!
 But Christmas was a sad time for us too
 Because of his Depression
 
 My sister Elle was the fifth daughter for Mam
 She had a beautiful soul
 Never a trouble
 Never bold
 Kind and gentle
 Adoring of her two children 
 
 I’ll never forget my mam’s face of sadness and bravery all mixed up in one,
 when her beautiful child told her that she to leave her homeland for a better future for her kids….
 In true mammy style
 She kept her sadness to herself
 Encouraging of her daughter’s new life
 And silently broken as she wondered would she ever see her again…
 
 It was tough for my sister's husband through this last recession
 With the mortgage to pay and and a family to feed
 He had to travel to Dublin for over an hour in the car each day
 for any little work
 And the diesel was huge money!
 The stress in their life was great
 And when they made the decision for a life where work was plenty
 I’m sure she battled with it well
 So, it was on the furthest western coast of Canada
 Where the winters were harsh 
 And there would be no Mammy’s stew…..
 She knew Mammy would be too scared to fly all that way too….
 
 But sure wouldn’t they be able to get home often enough?
 But not when life and work and school gets in the way
 And ever increasing airfare
 Well, she did get home when Mammy had an aneurysm removed from her brain a couple of years back
 Just by herself
 And she went back to her new home with a heavy heart
 knowing Mam was getting on….
 
 Mam's siblings are passing each year
 One of which a best friend
 who’s heart she held dear
 Her memory had almost but forgot who my Mam was 
 And in my mammy’s mind, she is wondering 
 will this soon be her…..
 
 So she’s throwing a feast this Christmas Day
 with all the trimmings and Christmas Music to play
 She wants all her brood there 
 to mind them and love them and feed them
 and here them laughing
 So that she can hold on to that memory
 lest next Christmas might be different…..
 
 I know with no doubt 
 that my Mam’s wish for Christmas is to bring Eleanor home
 to be with her sisters
 And not be alone
 There in the vast country of Canada
 With Hugo her husband 
 And Sean and Grace
 To be with all their cousins
 In One Happy Place!
 
 I miss my sister and the others do too!
 I would be so happy if my Mam’s wish came true!
  xxx
  Jean 

Taking things for granted

As a child growing up through the 1970's recession, there were many hard times and there were certainly no luxuries. It was a big deal for the parents to throw you a 21st birthday party and I remember how hard it was for my Dad to get 200 pounds together to pay for my party. But I never remember wanting for anything nor feeling I was missing out on things. We were always taught, when you're earning yourself, you can buy it.
 I was a young mother, so I could never really save much of my earned cash from then on as the child's needs came first. My only wish was to go on holiday every year. I loved going away to the sun and I would happily save for that, year in and year out.
My first big purchase was in 1990 when I bought a house down the road from my mam. It was a small price of 18,000 pounds and I was quite able to get together the deposit fee of 1800 pounds. The interest rate at the time was 18% and my repayments were 300 pounds per month. I had been paying 185 pounds per month for an apartment, so it wasn't much more in the difference. That was only 27 years ago and in comparison, today, a young couple must save 30,000 euros for their first deposit which is very hard to accomplish.
The house was in a very old state and needed lots of work to modernise it and yet I still remember being satisfied at it's basic state. My wants were very realistic. And I had no problem getting my hands dirty in cleaning it up and making it livable in. I think again, that coming from a very modest background, I was very grounded.
I considered myself quite fortunate to be able to get on the property ladder.
I didn't drive at the time as I lived in Dublin city within walking distance of everything so that was less expense.
I remember living within my means. I didn't look at expensive furniture or toys or clothes. One of my favourite purchases was a beautiful three, two, one suite, that I bought from my boss at the time for 200 pounds. It was of really good quality and I reckon he and his wife had done me a very kind gesture and I was very grateful.
And then that all changed in 2002 when all of a sudden we were in a position to move to a bigger house. And then we could get the nice car and go on nicer holidays and it's amazing how in such a short time, you become used to getting things when you want them and you start taking things for granted.
Everything was replaceable, it wasn't a big deal reversing your car into anything, sure it was easily fixed and sure you'd be trading it in next year anyway. And I don't think I realised that I might have begun to appear spoiled to others around me, by having new things very quickly. But what I was really doing was making things very difficult for myself in the future if anything were to go wrong.
And then the recession hit America in 2007 and we all knew it was on the way here. It hit us like a force ten hurricane in 2009. It came in fast and destroyed very quickly.
Nobody likes bad things happening to them but there are always lessons to be learned. I certainly became more frugal. There was no old food going in my bin. I became a wiser grocery shopper. Clothes were better cared for. I stayed with the same old car, it did the job just fine.
I realised the value of your life is more important
So now, in the final months of 2017, I let myself get a new car. I was very reluctant, least of all, going into payments again, but it was a real case of need.
 I spent the whole of the Summer in and out of garages with one or other of our jeeps with various engine problems and I spent many times broken down on back roads with steam billowing from the bonnet of our Toyota Cruiser! At fifty, I had decided to shave my hair close to my scalp so now I had the look of a crazy woman dressed in pink gym gear, (Just in case I had an opportunity between horse shows to jog my hyper huskies ten miles or so!) I'm trying to hold back the forty stone dogs from legging it whilst unhitching the horse box in fear of the jeep blowing up and the pony being burned to death. All that and trying to be Mother of the year by not strangling my twelve year old daughter to quieten her hysterical crying!
 Or sometimes I just couldn't turn off the engine of our range Rover for fear of it not starting up again, because of an alternator  problem, so I would just put it into park and go off about my errands. And I can honestly tell you that there are many, many honest people in the world and one of which who kindly watched over my running jeep while I went into the Dublin Horse Show to watch 'The Aga Khan', I kid you not.
I couldn't lock it either, because if I did, that 2007 was impossible to get into if the battery died. Every Auto Assist has tried in vain. The only way is to break the window and after three times doing that, we finally got a lock smith. Yeh, we don't rush into things....
So finally last Saturday after a day driving around in the Range Rover pulling the horse box to killossory for my daughter's dressage test and show-jumping and then going to see my Mother in Dublin and all the while leaving the engine running and again, very honest people in Dublin, or else nobody was interested in taking it on!
 I gave in. I went and looked for a new car.
And I love it. It's new and shiny and trendy and everything works in it!!
And I'm very appreciative of it. I know how lucky I am and I certainly won't be taking things for granted anymore.
Jean xxxx

jean murray: Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depress...

jean murray: Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depress...: I am grateful for the opportunity to write this blog this morning with information, knowledge and first hand experience of a breakdown and a...

Hello, my name is Jean, I am a survivor of Depression!

I am grateful for the opportunity to write this blog this morning with information, knowledge and first hand experience of a breakdown and a recovery from Depression!
Depression in a simple description is when the brain is unable to function properly, effecting how a sufferer feels, thinks and acts. In the early stages, thoughts and emotions are erratic and a sufferer can appear sad and the body lethargic. As depression takes hold, the sufferer withdraws into one's self emotionally and is physically unable to perform the simplest of task.
 Depression is a disease like any other disease in that the symptoms can be small at first and easy enough to hide but if left untreated, it will only get worse. It causes a huge amount of emotional pain to the sufferer and their family and friends. And that was me.
The first time that I mentioned to my doctor that I might have depression was twenty seven years ago, when I was twenty three. My first child was one years of age and I spent most of his first year sad and angry. Post natal depression were new words around Ireland at the time but I suspected that I might have it. I give the Doctor his due, he suggested I go down the route of self help first instead of giving me anti-depressants. He knew my history well.
I, like many other north side Dublin kids, grew up in poverty. Fear was a constant in our daily lives. Kids living in fear learn to hide their emotions from the outside world. It was hard for our parents to meet our emotional needs in the 70's. They didn't know what emotional needs were.
 Poverty breathes poverty and education was basic in Catholic homes with thirteen children being the average size family. And as we all know now, education is the key in life. The more we know about issues, the more we understand them.
 I had learned to hide my true feelings from even myself, so I was at least twenty years neglecting my own emotional needs at that point in my life. Eventually these emotions surface in a negative guise. 'I had reasons to be sad and angry,' The Doc had said. I needed to figure things out. He was a wise man.
I took his advice well and I was delighted to join a self help group.
I didn't think at the time how long it was going to take me to be better. I knew there wasn't going to be a quick fix though as I had been feeling low ever since puberty. Although I was still able to appear happy and even confident to the outside world.
I felt immediately comforted by the support of the group. They helped me see where I maybe needed to change a few things about me and my life in order to feel better.
 So I began there. But I was a complex case. I really had no idea of the depth I needed to go to change. And even if I did figure out what I had to change, I had absolutely no idea how I would do it. I didn't really know who I was or what I was about at all.
I followed the road of self help and counselling for the next couple of decades and as my life was entwined with a husband and children, I found it was getting tougher. I could still just about do physical things, go to work, get to functions, get the kids to their school and activities but I just couldn't figure out how to meet everybody's emotional needs. That saddened me and I felt guilty. 'Why wasn't I naturally good at motherhood?' Or, 'Why did I find marriage so difficult?' And, 'How come I couldn't succeed in the workplace?'  The counselling helped. She tried to get me to compartmentalise each emotion and try rationalise it out. But my brain was full of all my worries and my fears jumping around together and my constant feelings of failure and self hatred.
I finally resorted to medication when I was thirty eight. I just couldn't do it on my own. It really helped my symptoms but I knew I still had to help myself by going to counselling and doing the emotional work. But I think I stalled on working on myself at that time, because the medication was doing the job for me. After a couple of years, the Doc suggested I come off my meds, I was happy to do it. I was feeling good. But it wasn't too long before the dark clouds of negativity came back into my mind. And much worse than before.
I was working full-time, I was a mother, a wife and I was not coping with any of it. I was crying all the time. And I was hating myself more and more because I was so weak. And the guilt was bad. Don't under estimate guilt. It can be soul destroying. I constantly felt guilty for not being good at anything and with that, worry and fear were racing around my head. I didn't want to go back on medication then, I wanted to fight my depression.
I began to have panic attacks.
It still amazes me of the power of my mind. I couldn't figure out my head, so, my mind began to give my body physical signs for me to see. For me to stop everything. For me to keep on trying to figure me out! For me to get to the root of me!
My panic attacks came in the guise of paralysing feelings. My legs became numb and I couldn't move. I literally felt like I was having a stoke. And then other times, there was a massive pain in my chest that I was sure had to be a heart attack.
My mind was out of control. And I was terrified of what else it would do.
I think I might have been about a year off my meds then and I was getting worse. I didn't want to see people. I couldn't receive phone calls. I couldn't read text messages. I couldn't listen to the radio or the news. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't go to the Doctor. I was aware that I looked really bad and that maybe he would suggest hospital and I didn't want to go there and leave my kids, not for a minute. At that point depression is very visible. Your weakness is on view for all. There is it. You're the ultimate failure. You just can't cope in life. And that is not easy to admit to anyone.
I know on the TV programs, they say talk to someone, but you can't talk and rationalise what's going on in your own mind at that point to yourself never mind anyone else. You're too ill. It's not like you're a bit tearful and you can tell your best friends you're broken hearted over a failed relationship, or you lost your job, or you've gained weight, or you even have the baby blues.
This is a total different kettle of fish. And I can totally understand why a lot of people die from depression. And I don't say take their own life, because I know for sure, they are not in control of their own mind when their mind is that ill. Your mind is dying, just like a pancreatic cancer. And the symptoms spread through your body just the same. Your body becomes so weak that you can't do the simplest of chores like wash yourself. You lose your appetite just the same. You can't go outside for a little walk and fresh air, because your body is so sick. This is probably the worse type of disease in that it effects your mind and body.
I know this, because I was there. My mind was very ill. I had no idea what it was capable of.
That's why I went back on medication.
But this time it took me at least six weeks to start to feel a little better. And this time I knew I had to do the work.
I took full responsibility for my illness. I asked God to help me.
 I stopped blaming myself, people and situations. I forced myself to walk. And while I walked I began to brainwash myself into positive thinking. Gratitude. Acceptance of me. Forgiveness of myself. And to like me, warts and all. Because I had hated me for a long time. I had to banish negative thinking. After a while, I felt myself finally getting better.
Life is still full of challenges, but I've learned to just focus on the day at hand. I don't compare myself or my children to others. I accept me as me and my husband as he and my children as they.
My life is where God wants me to be.
After five years on anti-depressants, I know I'm probably really ready to come off them now but I'm just not brave enough yet.
Jean xxx