It's hard to truly be yourself!

To put myself first or not first, that is the question…..
You know, I spent most of my life pleasing others, putting others needs before mine. I made some choices in my past that was going to make my life more difficult. And once I tend to commit to things, I really do stick at it despite my difficulties with it. But that wasn't good for my emotional health. As inevitably it caused resentment in me.
It's ok when it's your children, your dependent children, who you have a right to take care of and their needs, emotional, physical and educational. That's what being a Mother is!
 It's a tough job and it's taken me to my age now at 48 to finally do a good job on Mothering. Teaching your children to fly on their own. My last child is almost 11 and she is going to take longer than the others, but I'm confident with the skills that I have now as a parent that she will get there.
When your children grow into independent adults, you can sit back and relax a little. You've done a good job. They are now able to fend for themselves in the real world. They can earn their own money and they can pay their own bills.
When I was a kid, it was easier to become independent because my parents didn't have the money to spoil us or indeed send us to college. That was ok, what we didn't have, we didn't miss. But it taught us to be workers at any cost. To work, to pay our way in life. That was a great thing!
When my dad was unemployed for ten long years in the late 1970's recession, despite being on that horrible dole queue. He taught us to be workers, that the dole was a horrible place to be. My Father was a violent alcoholic during those dark years and through his pain, he still told us to be workers, to reach for the stars. God rest him.
And thankfully, we worked hard. Although none of my siblings earned enough to be wealthy, we have a good life. We have everything we need. We have a community of family and friends.
But when Ireland received a massive boom to our society, 'The Celtic Tiger', us Irish rushed in and began recklessly spending money on our kids. We began to teach them nothing. Values were dispersed and manners went out the window! Money was easy to come by. Us Irish didn't have to work as hard. we got paid good money for little work. When the crash hit in 2007, Us Irish didn't know how to cope. All of a sudden we had to learn how to work hard again. Earning money was difficult. Paying our bills was difficult and meeting our now spoilt children's needs became impossible. Us Irish people began to think that we deserved things for nothing. We stopped taking our own responsibility for the state of our affairs. It was somebody else's fault.
Now, Us Irish have to work very hard on relearning our children the values that we all learned in our growing up years, respect, gratitude and good manners.
 I will tell you, there was a beautiful loyalty among the poor and defeated when our crash hit. Us Irish people showed our wonderful personalities in sharing again. We comforted each other. We reassured each other. We supported each other. This is the good old Irish back again! The one that the World loves and admires!
Anyway, despite the pain and the loss and the worry that our recent recession caused. I embrace it. It has sorted out a few of our issues. What needs are and what wants are.
I now know that I need to put myself first. In relations and situations. I now know when I'm tired and I can't socialise just for the sake of it. I now know what's important to me and I need to make time to do that. If I don't do this, I will be resentful and I can't take that risk. And most importantly, if I don't show my children that it's ok to put my own needs first at times, they will not learn the lesson and they will make the same mistakes as I have.
 When I am true to myself, I am happy, I am content.
xx Jean

When your best friend dumps you!

It's been ten years four months now since my best friend dumped me. I was three months pregnant on Yasmin, 'My Beautiful Flower'. I can honestly say hand on heart that I am now truly over the hurtful experience. In fact I began to get over it about five years ago, but it did take that long. Someone once said to me, instead of being angry and hurt by the situation, pray for her and let her go and I began to do that. It gave me peace.
 What happened? I don't really know. There was the usual trivial row that wasn't obviously the reason for the termination of our friendship, but that was the out my friend obviously took.
She was done. She didn't want excuses. She didn't want apologies. And she took her husband and her children with her away from both myself and my husband and my children. I was truly devastated and my husband didn't know what was going on!
My husband said I must've have done something serious. I remember looking at him with distain then, wondering why he didn't know already that I couldn't do anything to hurt anybody!
But I had to look at myself, deeply. If anybody has read my book 'My Beautiful Flower', you'll know that a lot of things were going on in my life five years ago and I was struggling with depression.
But I was capable of being mean and resentful and my husband got the brunt of those emotions. So he knew I was capable of being mean. Yes, I could have said 'I have reasons to be mean and resentful!' But they are just excuses. Excuses that will keep you in that negative frame of mind. When I began to ask God to help me to, 'free my mind from negatives and resentments' I was very close to getting well. I  accepted my responsibility of my own bad behaviour and said sorry. And I truly meant it!
 It didn't matter who did a bad turn on me, I was responsible for my own reactions and my own bad behaviour in return. I could only work on myself and change me. I could still stand up for my convictions but I didn't have to spit venom doing it.
But what kind of friend was I? That someone could discard me so easily, without ever contacting me again! It made me question past friendships of mine. Was I a mean girl in school? Growing up? Is this some sort of pay back?
I thought I was a good friend. I openly complemented her and admired her sense of style. I never criticised. I gladly supported her children's events like she did mine. We had great conversations and great couple dating with our husbands. I shared my problems with her, but maybe I missed hers. Did I talk too much and not listen?
Looking back now, there were hints, 'I'm really tired.' I sleep on till really late, the kids get their own breakfast.' 'I'm not well today.' I guess I missed it. My friend was obviously suffering with depression and I missed it.
 I know I had my own depression going on as well, as the previous year I had a miscarriage and although I wasn't devastated over losing the baby as it stopped growing at six weeks, I went into severe post natal depression. I was a basket case. I never went to the doctor for help then because I just thought I'd get through it. And I wasn't one to stay in bed. I still got up for work, went to the gym, so I was able to function. I didn't know that my friend was also in depression.
I also know that while lost in depression, you are lost in negativity and resentment and unfortunately my friend had harvested those feelings towards me and so was able to justify her walk away from me. And never return.
Had she known it would confirm the feelings of self hatred of myself and the failure I felt as a human being, would she have been so cold?
I cried all the way through my pregnancy on Yasmin and was obviously 'depressed'. I wasn't surprised then of the obvious signs of post natal depression when she came along.  I also firmly believe that my depression while carrying Yasmin had a direct effect on her development. I believe that my lack of the chemical serotonin in my brain caused an abnormality in Yasmin's brain development. She came three weeks early into the world and I remember her little voice whimpered into the world. She was scared!
Well God has a funny way of working things and I believe that he knew that Yasmin would be a great gift to me and would help me start working things out. And she did indeed, as I shared with you in my book. And she is an amazing gift as she tries her best at everything! She's my inspiration!
The lesson I have learned from that really sad experience? Yes, as hard as life can be at times, there is a lesson to be learned each time.
I now take care of my friendships. Your friends will always be there for you as long as you don't take them for granted! You need to be able to give in friendship as well as take. You don't have to be a party friend or super funny. Your laughter will come naturally after the tears.
Because we all need our friends. xx Jean

The difference between love and lust!

In talking to the single women out there these days, sisters, nieces, daughters, cousins and friends, it seems it doesn't matter what age you but the men out there have become shits. It seems it's all too true that the nice guys are nabbed young and the bad guys are left for all of the rest of the poor unfortunate ladies.
So what's going on? You can slag off the 60's and 70's all you want but there were a lot more mannerly young men out there. Yes, I'm sure they had their high sexual need that motivated their manners, but at least they had manners! They asked you to dance, they bought you a drink and they dated you a few times before they got down to the nitty gritty of their needs. And then they didn't dump you afterwards either! They were happy to have a relationship with you and wine and dine you... and treat you like a lady!
Yes, they were the days and unfortunately, it seems that those days of gentlemen are gone forever.
The 'New Man' of today meets the lucky lady at the club. Their eyes meet, the girl/woman feels a connection and they go straight into kissing. Granted, a half litre of vodka may have graced their mouths first and given them the confidence of inhibition. There's great passion involved and the girl/woman thinks at this point she's met her soulmate because he misleads her to believe that with his tender touching and holding her in a special way that sends shivers inside her.  When they can't go any further in the bar, they quickly head back to someone's car, flat or even around the back of the club will do. It doesn't take long. The new man has no intention of calling the number she gives him and then the heartache begins. She thought he had showed genuine feelings during their interlude and he was just putting on the charm. How did she read it so wrong? Can a woman really ever tell the difference between a man's lustful feelings and genuine love? It seems we can't.
 The guy is just too good an actor.
 The new man doesn't want a girlfriend. He just wants a ride. As I say, they come in all ages.
 The young guys don't want to be stuck with a girlfriend that costs him lots of money especially since he has no problem having regular sex with a new girl each week.
 The older guy has just come out of a marriage and definitely doesn't want to go back there again, so he's happy to take the sex and go. And then there's the men who cheat on their wives and don't have to make a commitment.
The new men need to watch out. The women of today take great care of their looks and their style. They're very pretty. They're most likely bright smart women. And they are copping on to the difference between lust and love.
Pretty soon it will be you guys who will be left on the shelf and the woman will have the last laugh.xx
Jean

'Craggy Island!'

I don't know if anyone remember's 'Father Ted', the very funny Irish TV sitcom from the 90's? Basically it was laughing at our mad Irish selves with our then core Catholicism and the basis of our every day lives being priests and nuns. It was set in the west of Ireland and it made me laugh. I can tell you it had the best cast of fabulous actors, Father Dougal (Ardal O'Hanlon) Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn), Father Jack (Frank Kelly) and the brilliant Dermot Morgan who played Father Ted himself. The series came to a sad end because of Dermot Morgan's untimely death.
Anyway, what's my point?
Well, I can honestly tell you, I love holidaying in Ireland. Even the unreliable weather doesn't put me off. We really do have a beautiful scenic Country. So, I didn't hesitate when my sisters where planning to come to Trabolgan Holiday Village, South Cork for this week in July. As I've never been to Trabolgan before, I didn't know exactly what to expect. But I should have known, 'Craggy Island' is alive and well, as we are well and truly here! And I can honestly tell you, the minute us Sutton sisters start planning a holiday, the sun goes in and the rain comes down. You could've mistakenly taken yesterday the 11th July for a grey November day. But did that dampen our spirits? No, not us Irish, we will not be defeated! So we donned our shorts and sunscreen, (just in case!) and got on with things. There's quite a gang of us Dub's, (17 in this group) of kids and adults alike. The kids were initially traumatised with no network or wifi anywhere to be got, (there is a small bit of wifi in the coffee shop) but soon realised they better all start talking to each now they'd nothing else to do! We started off with the outdoor activities that included a not unimpressive racing track, that the kids discovered the inner rally drivers! At 7 euros a go, it is quite expensive and you wouldn't see your few bob going fast. Three times later and when the rain started to pelt down, we headed to the swimming pool. Where we put off with the slowest water slide in history? Not at all, the kids trudged on. I was the elected water mammy of the kids and surprised myself with the fun I had playing ball games with my gang of nine 9 to 15 year olds.  When I couldn't keep the kids in the pool for a moment longer, we went to shower and change. Not for the faint hearted or the modest customer. I can only tell you it was hilarious!
We were all looking forward to the entertainment of the evening which included Bingo! And we nearly won too! After giving 'Dumb and Dumber two' (the entertainers from Craggy Island themselves) a good shot, we headed to the pub as one can only do in Ireland! And there was more Bingo with cash prizes! And we nearly won that too! The kids had a grand time playing one lane bowling after waiting in turn for a couple of hours. Sure it gave us a chance for a relaxing pint! And they won thousands of those ticket things that got them a lovely lollipop in the little shop just before they closed at 10 o clock!
I'm not laughing at you Trabolgan, I'm laughing with you!
And the kids, are they miserable? Absolutely not! They're having a great time!
xx Jean

What couples argue about most...

I would have thought that the least thing that myself and my husband would argue about over the years is money. But that is exactly what we do.
My husband and many others that we know think that I am spend thrift. The truth is, I am not. True, our bills and our children's nessessities can be very high and I spend our money on those things, but luxury's truly, no.  I do like luxuries but the recession sorted out the difference between what I needed and what I wanted. Apart from holidays. My only personal luxury is booking holidays. I guess you could say I need holidays. It's not like I go off on my own! I bring my husband and children too!
 It's just when I see the opportunity to go somewhere especially to see family members, I go for it. I love a big family holiday. The kids love it, the women love it. The men might not love it....
Myself and the hubby are two different personalities granted, and maybe I can afford to be a bit casual about the size of our outgoings because I'm not the one who has earned the majority of our money, but in saying that, I have no problem spending my own earned money on our family either. So I'm not a taker only, I'm a giver also. Where am I going with this? A couple of months ago, my hubby got himself stuck in a resentment mode towards me. Why? Because I did my usual thing and booked an extra family holiday after being a bit careless with a bit of his hard earned dosh. Of course he gave me the speech about the size of our mortgages and hows he's trying to get them sorted and I truly understand that, I do! I'm working hard to try help also! He lasted quite a while in this resentment mode and I can tell you, living with someone who gives you the silent treatment for a few weeks is pure torture. So, I guess I had enough. He looked miserable so I thought he was miserable. Maybe he was quite happy having a bit of peace in all the silence?
So what do I do? Something crazy. Something for my husband to come back to me and say,
'I've pushed you too far.'
Well I can't really tell you what I did, (because even my friends said, I wasn't in my right state of mind, it's true) but why does it always take drastic measures to make a man own up to his own responsibilities? Why can't they just identify the exact problem at the time and just deal with that instead of burying it with all the other issues they have resulting in them not knowing why they were silently resentful in the first place!

A follow up from my poem 'Under the Great Gates of the Bank of Ireland'

Just giving you some more back round information on how I wrote the poem about homeless people.
Anybody living in a city will have come across homeless people many times as there are many people homeless. These days, there are a lot of young people who are homeless. We all feel pity for these people because we see them at their most vunerable. They are exposed to us all. We see them unclean, where they sleep, what they eat and drink and their habits.
The rest of us do all the same thing, but we have the dignity of privacy. I used to sit outside the wax museum on Dame street, Dublin, sipping my Starbucks coffee while waiting for Yasmin to do a speech and language drama class in the Gaiety school of acting in the Temple Bar area. It was in the height of our recession in 2012 and I didn't have any spare cash to pay parking, never mind go shopping. So I'd sit in the car and drink my cappuchino, (I could afford that).
It was 11.30 am every Saturday morning and there were always the few homeless people sleeping beside those great big steel gates of the Bank of Ireland's back door.
These lads were only teenage boys and it was really sad to see them so young at this stage in their life. What drove them to it? Abuse at home? Undiagnosed learning difficulties that prevented them fitting in?
Anyway, what ever it was, it made these young kids feel more at home on the streets of Dublin, where drugs became their friend. I couldn't do much to help these people, I had my own huge responsibilities, but I could treat them with respect and I could teach my children to treat them with respect. I truly admire the many people of Ireland who give up their time to help these homeless people and the parents who have just lots their kids to drugs. They do their best to get these kids a bed for the night, but they have to be sober and in at a certain time and these kids aren't ready to do that.
When the sleeping bodies awoke, they would gather up their pennies to try buy a cup of tea or coffee from Starbucks. What ever spare I had, I would give to them and sometimes I would get their cuppa's for them. Although very heavily drugged, I noticed their concern for each other.
These young people were very grateful for any small help.
Another day, towards Christmas, when I walked up to Gino's ice cream place on Grafton street with my girls, there was an obvious homeless person in front of me ordering two of the largest ice cream cups he could buy. He had collected about 10 euros from begging that evening and he was bringing his pal back an ice cream who couldn't walk up that far. (I was thinking of what state that poor creature could be in) He was about 30 and he was carrying his black bag of belongings because he couldn't leave it anywhere. I was chatting with him as I would any person and I could see other people staring in distaste as he had the slow talk of a drug user, but he wasn't in any way aggressive. The guy needed a bag of a sort to help carry the ice cream and I gave him a little bag and he was delighted. 'Merry christmas' he bade me as he went on his way.
Some people who live on the streets for a good few years, like my husband's cousin Liam Mcmahon who lives under Queens Bridge in New York, can never adjust to living under a roof again. Living outside in extreme conditions has an effect on the mind. Homeless people are always on the look out for people who want to bash them or kick them for no reason. Liam was beaten very badly before and that made him very suspicious. Liam lost everything because of his alcoholism.
But he still deserve's to be treated with respect. That's all he wants. xx Jean

Another poem from my book 'My beautiful Flower' by Jean Murray

I wrote this poem when I felt so sad for my little girl Yasmin, after a plane journey to France. It was one of many plane journey's that other passengers felt they could be openly rude to my daughter because of her over excitement or anguish on the plane. Having Dyspraxia,Yasmin looked like any other child at seven years of age. They wouldn't know that her mental developmental age at the time was only four. Children don't behave badly for no reason. Sometimes there's an underlying condition. Sometimes it's allowed bad behaviour. Sometimes there's problems at home that effects the kids. Sometimes there's abuse. There is always a reason.

I see my beautiful child,
not with a disability,
She wants to dance
She wants to sing
She likes being pretty.

I see my beautiful child,
She wants to run
She wants to swim
She wants to show jump competitively!

I don't see her disability.
I let her dance
I let her run
I let her sing
I let her swim
I'll let her show jump competitively!

She works so hard,
She likes to please,
I don't see her disability!

Some don't see what I see,
What a loss for them.
Because if they looked at this beautiful child,
They would learn God's wishes.