Wednesday 15 April 2015
jean murray: I knew she was dead!
jean murray: I knew she was dead!: So here's another young woman Karen Buckley now found dead in Glasgow. The young man only 21 apparently is the killer. What is wrong wit...
I knew she was dead!
So here's another young woman Karen Buckley now found dead in Glasgow. The young man only 21 apparently is the killer. What is wrong with these men? So, they want to rape, they want to control, they want to hurt, bad enough as all that is, at least the victim has a chance to recover, to live their life. But death, they can't come back from that. How much effort must it take to kill the person, surely it must cross the killer's mind during that effort, that he can stop, leave it now, walk away, take the lessor punishment that will come. But now, locked up for life, both families traumatized. But the loss of a daughter for these poor people. Who can help them live again? Free from immense pain and torment.
And that beautiful girl will never have her degree, will never have a wedding, will never be a Mother.
Have these thoughts crossed your mind while you were squeezing the air from her lungs? Or are you too self absorbed in your own misery's to realize that not only you have problems? Everybody has problems, worries, fears, issues, even that poor young girl that you've just taken the chance of her ever working it out away from her.
It's pure selfish greed. The moment of anger, of hate, of resentment, of blame.
You fool.
And that beautiful girl will never have her degree, will never have a wedding, will never be a Mother.
Have these thoughts crossed your mind while you were squeezing the air from her lungs? Or are you too self absorbed in your own misery's to realize that not only you have problems? Everybody has problems, worries, fears, issues, even that poor young girl that you've just taken the chance of her ever working it out away from her.
It's pure selfish greed. The moment of anger, of hate, of resentment, of blame.
You fool.
jean murray: All coming at me!
jean murray: All coming at me!: I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn't slapping my face every five minutes. At 48 year...
All coming at me!
I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn't slapping my face every five minutes.
At 48 years of age, I have a full house in my home. My husband Anthony age 52, my son Anthony age 25, Catherine 32, my husband's niece, who came to live with us at age 13 when her Mam died and her Dad, my husband's brother, was suffering with alcoholism. She left us at age 20 to go and live her life, but she's back now a few month's, (I'll go into that in a minute). My second child Sarah is 19 and just finishing her first year in college and my last child Yasmin aged 10 in third class.
Oh, our three huskies, Skye, Storm and Sully!
My poor husband, God help him, is now having health difficulties. It actually started when he was only 35 when he was diagnosed with cists on his kidneys which causes blood pressure and he may need dialysis at some point in his life. Blood pressure problems inevitably lead to heart problems which is why he is now in the Mater having his heart rythem regulated. My husband's parents died when he was little, so his diet was very bad. On his own admission he lived on fried, salty, fatty foods. He began drinking alcohol at age 10 and was addicted quite quickly. He also smoked, just in his 20's, for a few years, but also quite heavily. So, unfortunately, he's in bits.
My son Anthony left home at 18 years of age. In my book, I tell you I could see it happening, how I was losing him. I remember how much I loved my son when he came into this world and as a child; He was such a good lad. But some how, through my own fault, (depression, bad moods, controlling parenting skills, you name it) I lost him. Acknowledging the effects I was having on my children, I worked really hard to change and I did, I have. And he came back two years ago, to save for his future wedding next year. I am truly happy for him, his future wife is a beautiful girl. But Anthony has never recovered his bond to me. I understand, but it doesn't make it easier. To bear a son and for him not to be a son is very difficult. My son wouldn't be rude to me, or aggressive in any shape or form. He just doesn't need me or want to need me. I do accept the damage I've caused, so I ask God to help me and guide me and guide him. Of course, I'm not a saint, so I gave him a telling off last night or some home truths. Adding some more fuel to his resentment pile.
My daughter Sarah, thankfully, I got wind of the damage my parenting skills were doing and changed just in the nick of time to be better for her. But Sarah was a quite child, a pet, an angel, and I was pushy and forceful. As I say, thankfully, we went to family therapy at that point to figure things out, to learn how to do it better and Sarah is a daughter to me. She is a typical teenager in every way, but she'll talk to me, be annoyed with me, be happy with me. She had a tough year in her first year of Art college, although extremely creative, she struggles socially and it takes her a while to find her feet. She suffered severe migrains, bad skin problems, low self esteem, but her tutor is really good for her, she listens to him and learns.
My daughter Yasmin is full on; Because of her delayed mental development, I still organize her and manage her and help her with lots of stuff, even though she's 10. I don't mind doing this, Yasmin is truly meeting all of her milestones in her own pace and I am confident she will be an educated, functioning adult when her time comes. But she keeps me on my toes; No lie on, no sitting back at the swimming pool while others are washing and drying their own hair at this point and lots more things that she needs help with; But I am so grateful I can do all this with love, kindness and compassion.
Back to Catherine; Catherine left home at 20 to find herself. She found out she was gay, an alcoholic, a smoker, a drug user and depressed. And now she's found out she's pregnant!
I am of course delighted for her, because everyone deserves to know that love that is to love a child; But just when I'm thinking to myself, ok, Yasmin is nearly 11 now, I can devote a little more time to myself, my writing, my relationship with my husband, which actually takes a lot of work! Now this. I don't mind the house being filled with baby things again, but I am concerned about another baby in the house. How will Yasmin feel? Will I be able to cope with Yasmin and a baby who may or may not sleep and everything else that comes with a baby? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I can do this for Catherine. I'm scared that I will put myself last again and my kids. God knows I've little enough time for them as it is. I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm tired, I'm confused. I'm a little annoyed.
Am I being selfish?
At 48 years of age, I have a full house in my home. My husband Anthony age 52, my son Anthony age 25, Catherine 32, my husband's niece, who came to live with us at age 13 when her Mam died and her Dad, my husband's brother, was suffering with alcoholism. She left us at age 20 to go and live her life, but she's back now a few month's, (I'll go into that in a minute). My second child Sarah is 19 and just finishing her first year in college and my last child Yasmin aged 10 in third class.
Oh, our three huskies, Skye, Storm and Sully!
My poor husband, God help him, is now having health difficulties. It actually started when he was only 35 when he was diagnosed with cists on his kidneys which causes blood pressure and he may need dialysis at some point in his life. Blood pressure problems inevitably lead to heart problems which is why he is now in the Mater having his heart rythem regulated. My husband's parents died when he was little, so his diet was very bad. On his own admission he lived on fried, salty, fatty foods. He began drinking alcohol at age 10 and was addicted quite quickly. He also smoked, just in his 20's, for a few years, but also quite heavily. So, unfortunately, he's in bits.
My son Anthony left home at 18 years of age. In my book, I tell you I could see it happening, how I was losing him. I remember how much I loved my son when he came into this world and as a child; He was such a good lad. But some how, through my own fault, (depression, bad moods, controlling parenting skills, you name it) I lost him. Acknowledging the effects I was having on my children, I worked really hard to change and I did, I have. And he came back two years ago, to save for his future wedding next year. I am truly happy for him, his future wife is a beautiful girl. But Anthony has never recovered his bond to me. I understand, but it doesn't make it easier. To bear a son and for him not to be a son is very difficult. My son wouldn't be rude to me, or aggressive in any shape or form. He just doesn't need me or want to need me. I do accept the damage I've caused, so I ask God to help me and guide me and guide him. Of course, I'm not a saint, so I gave him a telling off last night or some home truths. Adding some more fuel to his resentment pile.
My daughter Sarah, thankfully, I got wind of the damage my parenting skills were doing and changed just in the nick of time to be better for her. But Sarah was a quite child, a pet, an angel, and I was pushy and forceful. As I say, thankfully, we went to family therapy at that point to figure things out, to learn how to do it better and Sarah is a daughter to me. She is a typical teenager in every way, but she'll talk to me, be annoyed with me, be happy with me. She had a tough year in her first year of Art college, although extremely creative, she struggles socially and it takes her a while to find her feet. She suffered severe migrains, bad skin problems, low self esteem, but her tutor is really good for her, she listens to him and learns.
My daughter Yasmin is full on; Because of her delayed mental development, I still organize her and manage her and help her with lots of stuff, even though she's 10. I don't mind doing this, Yasmin is truly meeting all of her milestones in her own pace and I am confident she will be an educated, functioning adult when her time comes. But she keeps me on my toes; No lie on, no sitting back at the swimming pool while others are washing and drying their own hair at this point and lots more things that she needs help with; But I am so grateful I can do all this with love, kindness and compassion.
Back to Catherine; Catherine left home at 20 to find herself. She found out she was gay, an alcoholic, a smoker, a drug user and depressed. And now she's found out she's pregnant!
I am of course delighted for her, because everyone deserves to know that love that is to love a child; But just when I'm thinking to myself, ok, Yasmin is nearly 11 now, I can devote a little more time to myself, my writing, my relationship with my husband, which actually takes a lot of work! Now this. I don't mind the house being filled with baby things again, but I am concerned about another baby in the house. How will Yasmin feel? Will I be able to cope with Yasmin and a baby who may or may not sleep and everything else that comes with a baby? I'm not sure. I'm not sure I can do this for Catherine. I'm scared that I will put myself last again and my kids. God knows I've little enough time for them as it is. I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm tired, I'm confused. I'm a little annoyed.
Am I being selfish?
Monday 13 April 2015
jean murray: The nature of resentment;
jean murray: The nature of resentment;: Trying to understand why people are resentful, mmmm, I know I was resentful pre my recovery from depression. I suppose I gave myself excuses...
The nature of resentment;
Trying to understand why people are resentful, mmmm, I know I was resentful pre my recovery from depression. I suppose I gave myself excuses why I was moody or narky, I may have blamed others for my feelings of resentment towards them; The house was always messy, the bins were never put out, nobody picked up dog pooh, they were in my space in the mornings. I guess I was selfish too. I expected a lot from others. I was also negative about things. I must've worried a lot.
When God sent me my last child Yasmin after a nine year gap. I knew there was a reason he firstly gave me a nine year break, I loved my children completely, but I was only really good at one child at a time, if you know what I mean? I do actually think that's a quality of mine, instead of having three of them together with typical toddler needs that I wouldn't have been able to meet.
Secondly, Yasmin was special; She had a delayed mental development which meant she was going to have a lot of challenges learning what other kids take for granted; walking, talking, understanding, reading, counting, skipping, cycling, swimming and everything else.
Yasmin needed my full attention and she needed me at my best. So, of course, I spiralled into a downward fall. Massive depression; resentfulness, negativities, anger, fear, until of course I realized what a massive gift I had received from God. This angel, with her challenges began to teach me about determination and bravery and gratitude.
I began to change, now it took a few years, Yasmin is 10 now, but I began to be grateful for every moment of Yasmin's difficulties and strength and for my life. I saw through her eyes how difficult it was for her to overcome her challenges, but she kept on trying! Well, no more feeling sorry for myself, I got on that road with Yasmin and began to change myself.
I had to examine my thoughts carefully. I had to accept my own responsibility for bad or negative behavior, apoligise to all and to myself and make a firm commitment not to behave in that way again. I brain washed myself and still do, into positive thinking and gratitude each day. I ask God to free my mind from negativities and resentfulness and to fill my mind with positivities and gratitude.
And I have changed. I would never have thought it was possible. I don't sit on the fence now, I practice positive thinking all the time, as soon as a negative thought comes into my mind, I hurry it out.
So, I really do understand when people are stuck. It is hard to change. And it's hard to live with.
So how do you live with a partner that is stuck in selfishness, negativity and blame and resentment and jealousy?
There is no discussion as none of it would make any sense.
You see, I don't need too much attention. I never did. I've never been bored, I think as a reader, you're always going to have something to do. After tending to the chores of a housewife, of course, I'm trying to be an author now, so I'm writing more than I'm reading, but I always found time to read. I love a good story that grips me and have often been lost in those stories.
I love my own company but I also love people's company; All sorts of people, so if I did have a few minutes that I should be bored, I'm not, I'll have a conversation with anyone, even my dogs;
Ok, that's crazy now! But you know what I mean.
I am grateful for this day, I am grateful for my children, my family, my friends. I love every essense of the climates. I have chosen this path in my life.
I will now walk on it with grace and keep myself, now that I have found myself.
Friday 10 April 2015
jean murray: Home is where the dogs are!
jean murray: Home is where the dogs are!: You know when your teen leaves home for the first time, to go off to college, or to go traveling on a J1? The dogs will always be there, w...
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