Who am I?

You can pretty much tell that I'm a writer now, because I certainly have the appearance.
Gone are the designer hand bags, the professional make up and indeed the gel nails. Now, I rise in the morning, I hurriedly tidy the house, prepare a stew for later, feed my dogs, get Yasmin organised for the horse yard, wash myself, throw on old clothes that will suffice, walking dogs, mucking out horses, cleaning the house and heading to the library to write. I can hardly keep changing clothes throughout the day as that would give me less time!
I find I can concentrate better in the library although this morning I can hear a toddler downstairs battling with his father….
Anyway, I have the privilege of being a stay at home Mam these last three years, firstly, because of my little breakdown which forced me out of the workplace and secondly, because my husband works hard to provide for us both and our kids.
But an independent person all of my life, I was concerned about not being able to help out finically at home. Like any family with kids in school and college and expensive hobbies, our out goings are very high.
In the early days of the recession, I tried investing a few euros each week on the lotto. I followed all the guidelines on how to win, following numbers, counting how many times they appeared. I did that for a year and I never won anything. I really could hear God's voice in my ear saying, 'You're not going to win money! You have a talent, you just need to find it!'
 Thankfully, I don't like wasting money on gambling, so I bowed out gracefully. So, what was my talent? Throughout my working life, I had worked very hard, but I only earned enough to get by. So, I felt I was a failure.
Over the years, I had been writing things down that caught my attention onto pieces of paper or in my diary. I would place them into my bedside locker until one day I knew what to do with them.
 During the time of my breakdown, I took a lot of walks in our beautiful Irish lands with my three dogs. I would ask God to guide me on my path in life, to help me find a way.
 I did feel God's guidance and I felt it was pointing me in the direction of writing.  I knew then that I should at least try.
I always loved reading but thought I could never write the way these authors wrote a story.
But I started anyway and it turned out I wrote a book about my life 'My beautiful Flower'. It's a self discovery book but to keep a reader interested, it had to have a point. I did have to publish it myself but I'm quite proud of the way it turned out. I discovered a lot about acceptance and gratitude and I shared it in my book.
Once I had written that book, I was on to a next, a children's story book called 'Madhead the Crazy Horse' which is already in the editing stage.
And this morning I am finishing my very own crime/fiction book called 'Shame so Deep'.
I am feeling very positive about this path I'm on. I'm working very hard at blogging, tweeting and promoting myself on social networks while writing my crime story.
Am I looking for success? Yes I am. But I'm prepared to work very hard for that success. I know success doesn't land in your lap. If you work very hard on something and you really believe in it, there's a very good chance you will at least do well from it. If I fail, or if a book doesn't get the recognition I think it deserves, well, I'm going to see where I can improve myself and keep at it.
So yes, I don't look fashionable this morning. And I may look tired and baggy eyed but you know the old saying, 'Never judge a book by it's cover!'  Because on the inside of my mind, I'm ok!
I'm an author!

African people in Ireland.

A small country, with a population of just four million people, it was easy for us to be just one religion, Catholic and just one colour, white. Just over thirty years ago, You would have a hard time spotting a foreign person at all. There were only all Irish kids in our schools and there were only all Irish people living on our streets. We were all Catholic because that was what we were born into. Catholicism was a strict religion for my parents age group (mid 70's now) all the way into the late 1980's. And we know for sure now the damage that some of those powerful Catholic priests did to our children and the control they used over our women, preventing them from being free within their marriage.
 Having said that, I am a proud Catholic. I have had a lot of good experiences from priests and nuns in my life and I see the priests in my parish to be loving and helpful to all. I think we need a church as a base or a guidance but inevitably, being Christian is the path we need to follow. And the Catholic Church is spreading that message now.
 I was delighted to see that foreign people began travelling to our shores when I was 22 years of age, (I'm 48 now). Chinese, Indian and African people soon began settling in Ireland. I guess they liked the safety of our country first of all, since we are fairly safe from powerful, murderous leaders. Who wouldn't want their children raised in a safe environment? With the added bonus of education? Absolutely everybody's right in life! (Why we allow murderous leaders on our planet at all is another day's blogging!)
I think they may have liked our climate too, because it is not extreme. You can be fairly sure we won't have volcano's, sunami's or indeed a lack of water that would wipe out their generations of families. And I suppose they might have heard that the Irish people were nice, whom they could live side by side in harmony and not be ridiculed or indeed slagged by racial comments. And all of this was true in the beginning.
 Initially we were shy with these people. They looked so exotic compared to our pale Irish skins. Their hair was glossy and black and ours was fuzzy and unruly. They were a very beautiful, colourful addition to our 40 shades of green. We were afraid to talk to them in case we showed ourselves up to being just ordinary. We had never travelled. We weren't as educated as some of the new foreigners.
 We were afraid of their religions, "What if they went around trying to convert us to the mad religions that wasn't Cathoilc? Cults even?"
 So I guess we held our guard up for a while. But now after 26 years, I hope our foreign people are beginning to feel at home now?
 Don't be afraid of your colour or your difference! Hold your head high and greet 'Good Morning' to each passer by, just like you would in Africa, India or China.
Unfortunately, for some of you guys, you arrived into the years of our 'Celtic Tiger' where you witnessed greed, alcohol and drug abuse, violence, racialism from some ignorant people possessed by the Devil. You never got to see the Irish people you heard about, whose motto was 'A thousand Irish welcomes'.
Well, hopefully you will now. I have seen some changes since our recent recession hit. People are realising now that you need more prayer in life than money. That happiness is found with family and friends and neighbours. They see that African, Indian and Chinese is mixing beautifully with our pale Irish skin and creating beautiful children.
When I talk to an African person, I look straight into their eyes, I don't even notice the colour of their skin, I do however notice their beauty.
 Isn't it odd that nobody has ever said that it's jealousy that causes the racial comments?  When other kids are mean to your kids, you comfort your kids by explaining it's jealousy that's causing the meanness: When bullies are mean to a person in the workplace, it's normally jealousy at the route of it.
I'm not trying to lighten the issue, jealousy can destroy a person's life.
But African, Indian and Chinese people, know it's only jealousy behind these racial slurs.
These abusers only want what they can never have, your beautiful black skin!
Jean xx

Horribly funny!

A friend of mine called up last night for a cup of tea and a catch up. After sharing all of our news and having a good old gossip, the conversation became giddy. Us Irish have a habit of laughing at our own mishaps and somehow it led to this story....
 'Her own cousin's mother in law, in her late 60's came home one night from a good session with her friends. She was well oiled and decided to go straight to bed. On swaying up the stairs, she remembered she had to put her bin out for collection as it was full to the brim. She went out to the side of her house, in the windy rainy night and got hold of the bin and start wheeling it down the long gravel drive to the end of the garden. Inevitably, she tripped over her long skirt and high heals and fell flat on her face. Cursing herself, she got up off the ground covered in wet refuse and went back into the house to wash herself off. Her daughter then came into the kitchen to see her mother was covered in blood. Shocked, she hurried over to help her and recoiled in horror on looking into the sink. Her mother's fingers were floating around the water, seven of them and she was oblivious from the pain because of the whiskey in her system! Emergency services were called. The seven fingers were gathered and a search party ensued to look for the eight missing finger.
Surprisingly, they found it in time to be sewn back on with it's seven sisters!  The operation was a complete success and all the seven fingers are moving around quite happily, apart from the last finger found. No matter what the surgeons do to flex the joint, it just won't bend.
But a great character of a woman, this doesn't phase her at all. She's getting huge enjoyment from her new best friend....
Her middle finger!'

No home of their own….

Why have some people no home to go to? I can honestly tell you it saddens me to see young people homeless or anybody for that matter. I'm pretty sure nobody wants to see a human being undignified in this way. I actually wrote a poem about the homeless a couple of years ago. It's in my book 'My beautiful Flower.'  Why can't we help these people? Do more? It certainly shows our own selfish side when we turn our backs on our family or friends who need a home.
I put my hands up, I declare that I am now a selfish person and I am beginning to put my own needs first. I wasn't always as selfish, there was a time when I wouldn't put anybody from my door. Now I know for sure that I am too snobby to take in a homeless person. I recently read 'Mr Stink' by David Walliams to my daughter Yasmin and it is sadly an all too common existence.
   I consider myself to be a christian person, helping others when I can. But how much help should a person give? And is there a difference between helping and enabling?
Everybody has a role in a family home. There's a balance of duties between husband and wife so that the house runs smoothly, especially when children come along. As the kids get older, costs get higher, parents need to work harder to bring in a better income. There's a general understanding about this within a family. As the dependent children become independent adults, they begin to contribute to the running of the home. It's hard work running a home and for everybody to be happy in the same house, there has to be give and take.
 I can understand anybody wanting to leave an abusive home, especially a boundary pushing young teen. They may take their chances on leaving the nest but without any sort of income, they are forced to live on the streets and are open to a vulnerability of bad choices. In this case, this is the parents fault and the state's fault for neglecting their dependents.
If a partner puts an addict out of the home because of their inability to change their bad behaviour, they will most likely have burned the bridges of family relations also. Their lack of an income, through alcoholism and losing their job will inevitably cause them to have nowhere to live but the streets, where they at least have the freedom of not paying bills.
So is this a clue here? Is the responsibility factor missing in some people who end up homeless? Responsibility of their behaviour and responsibility as an adult?  If they were honest enough with themselves and others, they would have to face their own responsibility and the effect their behaviour has on others. If they had respect for others, they would do the work and help themselves and conform.
You would be surprised how long it takes an ordinary person, (myself) who isn't an addict to learn the responsibility lessons in life, so I guess it may take much longer for an addict to get the message.
So, how can we help them along?
 Every other animal on the planet teaches their children to feed themselves! Do you ever see a mammy bird feeding her grown birds? No! Because they left the nest when they could fly!
Us humans are terribly effected when we see someone crying bitterly, saying 'they can't do it.' But it's a natural display of emotions and we are all very good at crying for our own misfortunes. It's ok to see human beings cry and it's ok to see them in emotional pain because you know that it won't kill them. We have all had some very low emotional periods in our life and look! We are still here! I'm pretty sure I'm going to experience some more difficulties in my life. Hey, I'm not even over the difficulties from our last recession, but I'm ok! This is life! Life is full of challenges and encouraging someone through those challenges is helping them. Preventing them from going through their challenges is enabling them to stay dependent on others!
So sadly, some don't make it through their challenges. It seems easier to keep putting that change off. Drinking may get them through this day. A bad mood might prevent them doing it the next day. Different excuses will keep coming up to prevent them from being responsible.
Yes, it's hard to watch your adult family member living on the streets. But they made that choice. They could've chosen a different one. They still can. xx Jean

It's hard to truly be yourself!

To put myself first or not first, that is the question…..
You know, I spent most of my life pleasing others, putting others needs before mine. I made some choices in my past that was going to make my life more difficult. And once I tend to commit to things, I really do stick at it despite my difficulties with it. But that wasn't good for my emotional health. As inevitably it caused resentment in me.
It's ok when it's your children, your dependent children, who you have a right to take care of and their needs, emotional, physical and educational. That's what being a Mother is!
 It's a tough job and it's taken me to my age now at 48 to finally do a good job on Mothering. Teaching your children to fly on their own. My last child is almost 11 and she is going to take longer than the others, but I'm confident with the skills that I have now as a parent that she will get there.
When your children grow into independent adults, you can sit back and relax a little. You've done a good job. They are now able to fend for themselves in the real world. They can earn their own money and they can pay their own bills.
When I was a kid, it was easier to become independent because my parents didn't have the money to spoil us or indeed send us to college. That was ok, what we didn't have, we didn't miss. But it taught us to be workers at any cost. To work, to pay our way in life. That was a great thing!
When my dad was unemployed for ten long years in the late 1970's recession, despite being on that horrible dole queue. He taught us to be workers, that the dole was a horrible place to be. My Father was a violent alcoholic during those dark years and through his pain, he still told us to be workers, to reach for the stars. God rest him.
And thankfully, we worked hard. Although none of my siblings earned enough to be wealthy, we have a good life. We have everything we need. We have a community of family and friends.
But when Ireland received a massive boom to our society, 'The Celtic Tiger', us Irish rushed in and began recklessly spending money on our kids. We began to teach them nothing. Values were dispersed and manners went out the window! Money was easy to come by. Us Irish didn't have to work as hard. we got paid good money for little work. When the crash hit in 2007, Us Irish didn't know how to cope. All of a sudden we had to learn how to work hard again. Earning money was difficult. Paying our bills was difficult and meeting our now spoilt children's needs became impossible. Us Irish people began to think that we deserved things for nothing. We stopped taking our own responsibility for the state of our affairs. It was somebody else's fault.
Now, Us Irish have to work very hard on relearning our children the values that we all learned in our growing up years, respect, gratitude and good manners.
 I will tell you, there was a beautiful loyalty among the poor and defeated when our crash hit. Us Irish people showed our wonderful personalities in sharing again. We comforted each other. We reassured each other. We supported each other. This is the good old Irish back again! The one that the World loves and admires!
Anyway, despite the pain and the loss and the worry that our recent recession caused. I embrace it. It has sorted out a few of our issues. What needs are and what wants are.
I now know that I need to put myself first. In relations and situations. I now know when I'm tired and I can't socialise just for the sake of it. I now know what's important to me and I need to make time to do that. If I don't do this, I will be resentful and I can't take that risk. And most importantly, if I don't show my children that it's ok to put my own needs first at times, they will not learn the lesson and they will make the same mistakes as I have.
 When I am true to myself, I am happy, I am content.
xx Jean

When your best friend dumps you!

It's been ten years four months now since my best friend dumped me. I was three months pregnant on Yasmin, 'My Beautiful Flower'. I can honestly say hand on heart that I am now truly over the hurtful experience. In fact I began to get over it about five years ago, but it did take that long. Someone once said to me, instead of being angry and hurt by the situation, pray for her and let her go and I began to do that. It gave me peace.
 What happened? I don't really know. There was the usual trivial row that wasn't obviously the reason for the termination of our friendship, but that was the out my friend obviously took.
She was done. She didn't want excuses. She didn't want apologies. And she took her husband and her children with her away from both myself and my husband and my children. I was truly devastated and my husband didn't know what was going on!
My husband said I must've have done something serious. I remember looking at him with distain then, wondering why he didn't know already that I couldn't do anything to hurt anybody!
But I had to look at myself, deeply. If anybody has read my book 'My Beautiful Flower', you'll know that a lot of things were going on in my life five years ago and I was struggling with depression.
But I was capable of being mean and resentful and my husband got the brunt of those emotions. So he knew I was capable of being mean. Yes, I could have said 'I have reasons to be mean and resentful!' But they are just excuses. Excuses that will keep you in that negative frame of mind. When I began to ask God to help me to, 'free my mind from negatives and resentments' I was very close to getting well. I  accepted my responsibility of my own bad behaviour and said sorry. And I truly meant it!
 It didn't matter who did a bad turn on me, I was responsible for my own reactions and my own bad behaviour in return. I could only work on myself and change me. I could still stand up for my convictions but I didn't have to spit venom doing it.
But what kind of friend was I? That someone could discard me so easily, without ever contacting me again! It made me question past friendships of mine. Was I a mean girl in school? Growing up? Is this some sort of pay back?
I thought I was a good friend. I openly complemented her and admired her sense of style. I never criticised. I gladly supported her children's events like she did mine. We had great conversations and great couple dating with our husbands. I shared my problems with her, but maybe I missed hers. Did I talk too much and not listen?
Looking back now, there were hints, 'I'm really tired.' I sleep on till really late, the kids get their own breakfast.' 'I'm not well today.' I guess I missed it. My friend was obviously suffering with depression and I missed it.
 I know I had my own depression going on as well, as the previous year I had a miscarriage and although I wasn't devastated over losing the baby as it stopped growing at six weeks, I went into severe post natal depression. I was a basket case. I never went to the doctor for help then because I just thought I'd get through it. And I wasn't one to stay in bed. I still got up for work, went to the gym, so I was able to function. I didn't know that my friend was also in depression.
I also know that while lost in depression, you are lost in negativity and resentment and unfortunately my friend had harvested those feelings towards me and so was able to justify her walk away from me. And never return.
Had she known it would confirm the feelings of self hatred of myself and the failure I felt as a human being, would she have been so cold?
I cried all the way through my pregnancy on Yasmin and was obviously 'depressed'. I wasn't surprised then of the obvious signs of post natal depression when she came along.  I also firmly believe that my depression while carrying Yasmin had a direct effect on her development. I believe that my lack of the chemical serotonin in my brain caused an abnormality in Yasmin's brain development. She came three weeks early into the world and I remember her little voice whimpered into the world. She was scared!
Well God has a funny way of working things and I believe that he knew that Yasmin would be a great gift to me and would help me start working things out. And she did indeed, as I shared with you in my book. And she is an amazing gift as she tries her best at everything! She's my inspiration!
The lesson I have learned from that really sad experience? Yes, as hard as life can be at times, there is a lesson to be learned each time.
I now take care of my friendships. Your friends will always be there for you as long as you don't take them for granted! You need to be able to give in friendship as well as take. You don't have to be a party friend or super funny. Your laughter will come naturally after the tears.
Because we all need our friends. xx Jean

The difference between love and lust!

In talking to the single women out there these days, sisters, nieces, daughters, cousins and friends, it seems it doesn't matter what age you but the men out there have become shits. It seems it's all too true that the nice guys are nabbed young and the bad guys are left for all of the rest of the poor unfortunate ladies.
So what's going on? You can slag off the 60's and 70's all you want but there were a lot more mannerly young men out there. Yes, I'm sure they had their high sexual need that motivated their manners, but at least they had manners! They asked you to dance, they bought you a drink and they dated you a few times before they got down to the nitty gritty of their needs. And then they didn't dump you afterwards either! They were happy to have a relationship with you and wine and dine you... and treat you like a lady!
Yes, they were the days and unfortunately, it seems that those days of gentlemen are gone forever.
The 'New Man' of today meets the lucky lady at the club. Their eyes meet, the girl/woman feels a connection and they go straight into kissing. Granted, a half litre of vodka may have graced their mouths first and given them the confidence of inhibition. There's great passion involved and the girl/woman thinks at this point she's met her soulmate because he misleads her to believe that with his tender touching and holding her in a special way that sends shivers inside her.  When they can't go any further in the bar, they quickly head back to someone's car, flat or even around the back of the club will do. It doesn't take long. The new man has no intention of calling the number she gives him and then the heartache begins. She thought he had showed genuine feelings during their interlude and he was just putting on the charm. How did she read it so wrong? Can a woman really ever tell the difference between a man's lustful feelings and genuine love? It seems we can't.
 The guy is just too good an actor.
 The new man doesn't want a girlfriend. He just wants a ride. As I say, they come in all ages.
 The young guys don't want to be stuck with a girlfriend that costs him lots of money especially since he has no problem having regular sex with a new girl each week.
 The older guy has just come out of a marriage and definitely doesn't want to go back there again, so he's happy to take the sex and go. And then there's the men who cheat on their wives and don't have to make a commitment.
The new men need to watch out. The women of today take great care of their looks and their style. They're very pretty. They're most likely bright smart women. And they are copping on to the difference between lust and love.
Pretty soon it will be you guys who will be left on the shelf and the woman will have the last laugh.xx
Jean