As I drove over to Broadmeadows Stables early this morning to feed Yasmin's pony in preparation for her first SJI registered event today, it is a beautiful mild September day. The sun is up and there's not a breath of a wind and there's no rain! There is a buzz of excitement in the air. I couldn't help being happy at my surroundings.
We moved to Ratoath village 13 short years ago, along with many other Dubs who could afford a bigger house during 'The Celtic Tiger' boom in Ireland. Us snobby lot settled here with the rest of the fast moving career people of our time. Life was very busy. We spent a lot of time shopping for designer brands to keep up with the proverbial Jones's as one might say. We wined and dined in all the new and fancy places. We could afford to pay ghastly prices for food in Shanahan's on the Green! Oh those were the days! Those of us who narrowly escaped being raving alcoholics have lived to tell the tale of how the Irish people changed during that short wealthy period in our lives.
You see, us ordinary Irish people weren't used to having money. We are called working class and we lived week to week just paying our bills and providing for our families. Who could blame us for getting excited when extra cash graced our doors after a hard week's work?
What happened was and what most people chose to forget is that our country was graced with 'foreigners'.
They may have started with asylum seekers in the 1990's arriving on our shores but because the rest of the world saw how us lovely Irish people helped their neighbor, ordinary people from all over the world began to settle here. They wanted to raise their children in a country that wasn't biased nor racist.
These people needed accommodation and so began the need for more apartments and houses. Irish trade workers now had more money in their pockets so they were now buying new homes to live in. Climbing the ladder of a property owner away from renting or living in a parent's corporation dwelling.
Then we changed. As what mostly happens with us ordinary folk, we forgot who started us on the road to wealth, 'the foreigners' and we began to resent them and blame them for taking our jobs. Us resentful Irish during this wealthy time forgot our good manners and good raising and judged people and resented people. We stopped helping our neighbors.
When the crash hit in 2007, we all had a lot of egg on our faces. But I will say one thing about the Irish, when we are wrong, we admit it and we see the damage of our wrongs and we realize that life's value is not all about the money, it's about living life with the other human beings on our planet.
We began to have sympathy again at people's losses. Especially when we realized people were taking their own life in shame. That is so sad. If only they knew there is no shame in having no money.
So what did we all do with no money? We stopped eating out in fancy restuarants' and we all embraced ourselves in Sports. All sorts of sports. Us Irish have always loved our Gaelic football and hurling, a fab game and indeed soccer. But all of a sudden we had these once wealthy Rugby guys teaching our kids Rugby. We had extra Mams and Dads coaching the soccer kids and the GAA kids. And cycling began to become a very popular past time.
Ah yes, as I saw the local Centra packed with early morning sports Mam's and Dad's filling their coffee cups and water bottles, relishing their breakfasts rolls and heading off in comrade-ship this morning, I thought this is what it's all about. The yellow jacket guys were lining the Ratoath road to Ashbourne in plenty of time for the arrival of 3000 cyclists coming our way this morning.
Of course it's Sunday morning and I'm sorry Father Gerry, I know us Catholics should be in mass this morning, but don't you worry your head off, God is happily sitting in our kitchens witnessing the normal goings on of our families! Supporting us as we take our children off to their sports of passion. I can see him nodding happily as I find all the missing items of my roaring kids (and husband) this morning.
Gone is the traditional Sunday roast that my children only get in Granny's on a rare Sunday visit now, replaced by packed picnics. Because the mammies aren't staying home to cook any more. They want to see their kids in action too!
Sure isn't this what's all about?
Jean xxx
Sunday 13 September 2015
Friday 11 September 2015
Monday 7 September 2015
Our kids with learning difficulties in Ireland
As a mother of 26 years now, I am astonished how many families are effected by children with learning difficulties. The most common one or the one we are more familiar with being Dyslexia. I also have the ongoing experience of sourcing information and assessments and help for my children throughout the years. I have three children, Anthony aged 26, Sarah, 20 and Yasmin 11 and both the girls have a severe Dyslexia while Anthony was border line. As he had a maths skill, the education system wasn't too worried about his literacy skills. Everybody in the education system loves a guy who can do maths!
From babies, you can tell the if your child is going to be a fast learner or a slow learner. Anthony walked by one year, talked clearly at 2 and a half years and could manage tasks by himself at a young age with just his parents observing close by.
Sarah was a baby for a long time, in fact, I remember my family saying I babied her too much, but that wasn't my recollection. She was a cute baby, a lovable toddler and of course I adored her, but Sarah didn't walk till 19 months and her speech was quite poor when she started school at age 4 years and 1 month, (the poor pet). She didn't seem to hear me nor her lovely teacher Miss Cummins from St Mary Help of Christians in Dublin and on the advise of her teacher, I had Sarah assessed by an education psychologist. Sarah didn't have a hearing problem but the assessment found that Sarah had a poor maturity and she also went on to being diagnosed with Dyslexia.
Sixteen years ago, I didn't know what poor maturity meant in educational terms, so Sarah continued on her social struggle in school coupled with her learning difficulty. Today I know that putting a child into the school system when they have the mind of a toddler can be detrimental to their personal growth. Although educationally, I got all the help I needed for Sarah and she came on really well with her education, I saw her social struggles throughout the school system and through the added challenges of puberty we eventually needed to go to a child psychiatrist. Not dismissing my own difficulties with depression effecting the family, I have also learned that forcing a child to perform in an environment that she is emotionally not able for leads them to have low self esteem and insecure problems, leading to mild or moderate depression.
When Yasmin came along, she was very similar to Sarah in not walking till 20 months, with the same speech difficulty, but this time around on Yasmin's early assessment at age 5, it was pointed out to me clearly that Yasmin had no comprehension of tasks or commands. This time I knew what this meant and that Yasmin was not ready for the school environment so I kept her in montessori school till age 6. I felt guilty for sending my other two kids to school at such an early age.
I'm much more in tune with Yasmin's learning difficulties, maybe because I was pointed in the right direction from Louise McDonagh head of the speech and language department in Dunboyne, to get the right assessments. Yasmin went on to be diagnosed with lots of difficulties Dr Sinead Hearty in Drogheda confirmed Emir Crowley's diagnosis of Dyspraxia (muscular difficulty). When the doctor casually flung the words 'Delayed mental development' over Yasmin's five year old head. Yasmin may not have known what that meant, but I did and I was scared for Yasmin. She went on to be diagnosed with Dyslexia (literacy difficulty) Dyscalculia (numbers difficulty) Severe comprehension disorder (didn't understand expression of language) Sensory difficulties (Everything hurt her, severe motion difficulty) and ADHD behaviour (impulsive and hyper active, can't sit still). But I took the bull by the horns and went on the slow thorough road of educating Yasmin. And it goes without saying that I am so proud of her work ethic as she tries so hard.
Yasmin is now 11 years of age and has started 4th class. Her class mates would be a year and half younger than her and Yasmin's ability level would be that of an eight year old.
Each new term takes Yasmin a bit of adjusting into. The new level of work is hard for her. And although Yasmin has permanent resource for 30 minutes each day, if the schools resources are stretched, our school system will discard the children who seem to be managing.
Being a parent of a beautiful child with learning difficulties had me awake this morning at 5am. As Yasmin received 2 hours of homework last night that should have been tackled by the resource room. Instead, the teacher is now sending it home to the parent, hoping that the parent can take the place of resource. I certainly don't mind helping my daughter with home work or in fact being her teacher at home, I enjoy being able to help, but Yasmin is still struggling with the same difficulties that got her resource in the first place and needs that professional help outside the home. It's all very well for me now, with just one child at home that I can dedicate my time to and I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum, but what about all the other parents with other young children and jobs too? I can only just imagine their struggles and stress levels each day as they try to get their child with learning difficulties to school. Because even if you know nothing about learning difficulties, if your child is struggling to go to school each morning, there's a reason. They either find learning difficult, social integration difficult or they are being bullied. Listen to your child's body language.
Jean xxx
From babies, you can tell the if your child is going to be a fast learner or a slow learner. Anthony walked by one year, talked clearly at 2 and a half years and could manage tasks by himself at a young age with just his parents observing close by.
Sarah was a baby for a long time, in fact, I remember my family saying I babied her too much, but that wasn't my recollection. She was a cute baby, a lovable toddler and of course I adored her, but Sarah didn't walk till 19 months and her speech was quite poor when she started school at age 4 years and 1 month, (the poor pet). She didn't seem to hear me nor her lovely teacher Miss Cummins from St Mary Help of Christians in Dublin and on the advise of her teacher, I had Sarah assessed by an education psychologist. Sarah didn't have a hearing problem but the assessment found that Sarah had a poor maturity and she also went on to being diagnosed with Dyslexia.
Sixteen years ago, I didn't know what poor maturity meant in educational terms, so Sarah continued on her social struggle in school coupled with her learning difficulty. Today I know that putting a child into the school system when they have the mind of a toddler can be detrimental to their personal growth. Although educationally, I got all the help I needed for Sarah and she came on really well with her education, I saw her social struggles throughout the school system and through the added challenges of puberty we eventually needed to go to a child psychiatrist. Not dismissing my own difficulties with depression effecting the family, I have also learned that forcing a child to perform in an environment that she is emotionally not able for leads them to have low self esteem and insecure problems, leading to mild or moderate depression.
When Yasmin came along, she was very similar to Sarah in not walking till 20 months, with the same speech difficulty, but this time around on Yasmin's early assessment at age 5, it was pointed out to me clearly that Yasmin had no comprehension of tasks or commands. This time I knew what this meant and that Yasmin was not ready for the school environment so I kept her in montessori school till age 6. I felt guilty for sending my other two kids to school at such an early age.
I'm much more in tune with Yasmin's learning difficulties, maybe because I was pointed in the right direction from Louise McDonagh head of the speech and language department in Dunboyne, to get the right assessments. Yasmin went on to be diagnosed with lots of difficulties Dr Sinead Hearty in Drogheda confirmed Emir Crowley's diagnosis of Dyspraxia (muscular difficulty). When the doctor casually flung the words 'Delayed mental development' over Yasmin's five year old head. Yasmin may not have known what that meant, but I did and I was scared for Yasmin. She went on to be diagnosed with Dyslexia (literacy difficulty) Dyscalculia (numbers difficulty) Severe comprehension disorder (didn't understand expression of language) Sensory difficulties (Everything hurt her, severe motion difficulty) and ADHD behaviour (impulsive and hyper active, can't sit still). But I took the bull by the horns and went on the slow thorough road of educating Yasmin. And it goes without saying that I am so proud of her work ethic as she tries so hard.
Yasmin is now 11 years of age and has started 4th class. Her class mates would be a year and half younger than her and Yasmin's ability level would be that of an eight year old.
Each new term takes Yasmin a bit of adjusting into. The new level of work is hard for her. And although Yasmin has permanent resource for 30 minutes each day, if the schools resources are stretched, our school system will discard the children who seem to be managing.
Being a parent of a beautiful child with learning difficulties had me awake this morning at 5am. As Yasmin received 2 hours of homework last night that should have been tackled by the resource room. Instead, the teacher is now sending it home to the parent, hoping that the parent can take the place of resource. I certainly don't mind helping my daughter with home work or in fact being her teacher at home, I enjoy being able to help, but Yasmin is still struggling with the same difficulties that got her resource in the first place and needs that professional help outside the home. It's all very well for me now, with just one child at home that I can dedicate my time to and I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum, but what about all the other parents with other young children and jobs too? I can only just imagine their struggles and stress levels each day as they try to get their child with learning difficulties to school. Because even if you know nothing about learning difficulties, if your child is struggling to go to school each morning, there's a reason. They either find learning difficult, social integration difficult or they are being bullied. Listen to your child's body language.
Jean xxx
Thursday 3 September 2015
The Family!
Ok , so we're not Italian, but we're very close. We get along just grand with The Pope and all the other Italians and they get along grand with us. We are the same type of proud people.
We are communicators. We like to talk. We talk a lot about our families.
This is my family.....
Anthony the first grandchild, the awaited first boy, has character, kindness and love in his bones,
Padraig is second and adorably cute, lovable and full of smiles,
Ryan comes in third full of macho delight,
Sarah arrives flighty and floaty at fourth,
Rebecca swims fifth as a beautiful swan,
Shauna's adorably smiley in sixth,
Pierce blends in all angles in seventh place,
Alex slides in well at eight full of grace,
Sean is a lad prancing ninth in full steam,
Finn in tenth place is a boyo with a dream,
Grace in at eleventh is a beauty without doubt,
Yasmin's an angel coming in at a dozen,
Elle at thirteenth, a smiler, a cousin.
And last of granny's children is Isabella at fourteen,
While their mother's and granny sit around the kitchen table full of chat and slagging.
This my family, I am proud to share,
We gather for any excuse, happy or scare,
They keep me busy,
They keep me broke,
But what else would I be doing?
Jean xx
We are communicators. We like to talk. We talk a lot about our families.
This is my family.....
Anthony the first grandchild, the awaited first boy, has character, kindness and love in his bones,
Padraig is second and adorably cute, lovable and full of smiles,
Ryan comes in third full of macho delight,
Sarah arrives flighty and floaty at fourth,
Rebecca swims fifth as a beautiful swan,
Shauna's adorably smiley in sixth,
Pierce blends in all angles in seventh place,
Alex slides in well at eight full of grace,
Sean is a lad prancing ninth in full steam,
Finn in tenth place is a boyo with a dream,
Grace in at eleventh is a beauty without doubt,
Yasmin's an angel coming in at a dozen,
Elle at thirteenth, a smiler, a cousin.
And last of granny's children is Isabella at fourteen,
While their mother's and granny sit around the kitchen table full of chat and slagging.
This my family, I am proud to share,
We gather for any excuse, happy or scare,
They keep me busy,
They keep me broke,
But what else would I be doing?
Jean xx
Doing Life in the Prison cell of your mind
You know when convicted criminals go into prison and it's called 'Life?
Have you ever really thought about what that word really means and the implications of the word Life? Well, Life is a strong word. It contains so much weight. It's the definition of living. Life for criminals means adapting to a new way of living. A life without freedom and a life without the freedom to make their own decisions and choices. Criminals who have killed and maimed will never experience their own desires again, as long as they are serving Life in prison. And they may well deserve this Life sentence for their crimes, but Life in prison is not easy. Contained in a small cell, it's not for the faint hearted and only few will see it through. Ironically, this is the same experience for people on the outside too.
When a baby comes into this world for the first time, she starts a new Life sentence. I say 'sentence' because she also has no choice in where she is born into and she will have to learn to adapt and grow within her chosen family. Thankfully, nearly all of the population cherishes these gifts from God and they aspire to do a great job in helping these little mites fit into our great planet Earth. But like the criminals in prison, a lot of human beings struggle with Life on the outside.
I myself, had struggled with Life for my first 45 years. I suffered with depression. Of course, there were reasons I had depression and yes it developed in my childhood years, so as a young adult, I realized I needed to go to some self help classes. As the years went on, I was unable to unscramble the clouds in my head and live happily in my 'Life sentence'. My behavior became angry and tearful, sad and resentful. And as my struggles with life was worsening, my behavior became erratic and my mind and body began to feel ill. Don't get me wrong, for all of my adult years, I was continuously trying so hard to become normal, to live my life peacefully and happily. I went to many good counsellors and when my last child Yasmin was born eleven years ago, I had to go on antidepressants.
Life of course has many challenges for people and it may seem that some get too much to bear, as in a prison cell.
When my child was diagnosed with lots of difficulties among other stresses that were going on in my life at the time, I felt my Life was too difficult. I felt I was useless and I felt I was a failure. I completely hated myself. I didn't want to leave my children, in fact, I was terrified of leaving and abandoning them at all. And even though I never planned a suicide, I found myself writing two letters. One to my Solicitor stating my wishes for my children and one to my youngest child's God parent also stating my wishes for her God child. I also left a note for my husband and kids in my diary which I printed in my book 'My Beautiful flower'.
I never went through any sequence of suicide in my head. I would never consciously hurt my Mother or any of my family by taking my own life. But I was totally afraid of what my mind was capable of doing because it was in such mental pain.
Then something happened. I noticed how much pain Yasmin was in as I performed normal daily routines like teeth and face washing, as she had severe sensory difficulties. She would scream in agony but trusted me to continue. It was the same in every little thing she did, like learning, playing and social activities. She wanted to be the same as her friends, so she trudged on. I looked at this little five year old coping with physical and brain challenges. She was learning. No matter how painful a task was or no matter how hard it was, she continued on. I realized there and then that she was sent to me for a reason. To show me how it's done. I truly believe that God sent me Yasmin as a gift, to help me.
I then began to help myself. I had to figure myself out and unscramble the clouds in my brain.
I was able to discover how to live in my Life and thankfully, I am still here.
Sadly, there are thousands of people around the world everyday ending their pain of Life. I don't think there's the right qualifications just yet to treat people in this pain. It's missed so easily at the moment in the medical practice. I know myself that I wouldn't go to see the doctor when I was really bad, I didn't want anyone to see me in that state. So, I took someone else's anti depressants to help me for a couple of weeks before I went to the Doctor.
There's still an enormous amount of embarrassment and shame attached to depression. Families are left blaming themselves when their loved one takes their own life. But if you realize that the person is suffering with a type of cancer of the brain, you might realize how serious depression is. Remember, there is also a huge chemical imbalance in the brain that eats away at you, just like a cancer. And doctors may see a patient looking physically well and completely misdiagnose it. People suffering this severe type of depression are just in a state of severe mental pain and they are full of self hatred and shame for their misconceived weakness. If they could live their Life in their prison cell of their mind and cause you no anguish, they would do so for sure.
But a Life sentence of mental pain and torture is worse than any Life behind bars.
Jean xx
Have you ever really thought about what that word really means and the implications of the word Life? Well, Life is a strong word. It contains so much weight. It's the definition of living. Life for criminals means adapting to a new way of living. A life without freedom and a life without the freedom to make their own decisions and choices. Criminals who have killed and maimed will never experience their own desires again, as long as they are serving Life in prison. And they may well deserve this Life sentence for their crimes, but Life in prison is not easy. Contained in a small cell, it's not for the faint hearted and only few will see it through. Ironically, this is the same experience for people on the outside too.
When a baby comes into this world for the first time, she starts a new Life sentence. I say 'sentence' because she also has no choice in where she is born into and she will have to learn to adapt and grow within her chosen family. Thankfully, nearly all of the population cherishes these gifts from God and they aspire to do a great job in helping these little mites fit into our great planet Earth. But like the criminals in prison, a lot of human beings struggle with Life on the outside.
I myself, had struggled with Life for my first 45 years. I suffered with depression. Of course, there were reasons I had depression and yes it developed in my childhood years, so as a young adult, I realized I needed to go to some self help classes. As the years went on, I was unable to unscramble the clouds in my head and live happily in my 'Life sentence'. My behavior became angry and tearful, sad and resentful. And as my struggles with life was worsening, my behavior became erratic and my mind and body began to feel ill. Don't get me wrong, for all of my adult years, I was continuously trying so hard to become normal, to live my life peacefully and happily. I went to many good counsellors and when my last child Yasmin was born eleven years ago, I had to go on antidepressants.
Life of course has many challenges for people and it may seem that some get too much to bear, as in a prison cell.
When my child was diagnosed with lots of difficulties among other stresses that were going on in my life at the time, I felt my Life was too difficult. I felt I was useless and I felt I was a failure. I completely hated myself. I didn't want to leave my children, in fact, I was terrified of leaving and abandoning them at all. And even though I never planned a suicide, I found myself writing two letters. One to my Solicitor stating my wishes for my children and one to my youngest child's God parent also stating my wishes for her God child. I also left a note for my husband and kids in my diary which I printed in my book 'My Beautiful flower'.
I never went through any sequence of suicide in my head. I would never consciously hurt my Mother or any of my family by taking my own life. But I was totally afraid of what my mind was capable of doing because it was in such mental pain.
Then something happened. I noticed how much pain Yasmin was in as I performed normal daily routines like teeth and face washing, as she had severe sensory difficulties. She would scream in agony but trusted me to continue. It was the same in every little thing she did, like learning, playing and social activities. She wanted to be the same as her friends, so she trudged on. I looked at this little five year old coping with physical and brain challenges. She was learning. No matter how painful a task was or no matter how hard it was, she continued on. I realized there and then that she was sent to me for a reason. To show me how it's done. I truly believe that God sent me Yasmin as a gift, to help me.
I then began to help myself. I had to figure myself out and unscramble the clouds in my brain.
I was able to discover how to live in my Life and thankfully, I am still here.
Sadly, there are thousands of people around the world everyday ending their pain of Life. I don't think there's the right qualifications just yet to treat people in this pain. It's missed so easily at the moment in the medical practice. I know myself that I wouldn't go to see the doctor when I was really bad, I didn't want anyone to see me in that state. So, I took someone else's anti depressants to help me for a couple of weeks before I went to the Doctor.
There's still an enormous amount of embarrassment and shame attached to depression. Families are left blaming themselves when their loved one takes their own life. But if you realize that the person is suffering with a type of cancer of the brain, you might realize how serious depression is. Remember, there is also a huge chemical imbalance in the brain that eats away at you, just like a cancer. And doctors may see a patient looking physically well and completely misdiagnose it. People suffering this severe type of depression are just in a state of severe mental pain and they are full of self hatred and shame for their misconceived weakness. If they could live their Life in their prison cell of their mind and cause you no anguish, they would do so for sure.
But a Life sentence of mental pain and torture is worse than any Life behind bars.
Jean xx
Thursday 27 August 2015
Flushes and Sweats!
We have all heard stories of horrific ways that women are effected while going through 'The Change'. Women literally become monsters while going through the hormonal changes that happen while her body's reproductive system is shutting down. Not to mention, the changing body shape, the wrinkles and the dried up vagina! I certainly wasn't looking forward to it at all and put it to the back of my mind when at age 38 my last child was born.
I remember having night sweats for two or three years after Yasmin's birth. I had heard about night sweats before and their being related to the peri menopause. I assumed that's what was now happening to me. I knew mine were night sweats because I would wake up every night soaking wet, especially around the neck area. I would have to change the sheets each morning. I assumed then that night sweats were the same thing as hot flushes, just with a different name.
When the sweats disappeared, everything seemed to go back to normal and I assumed my peri menopause had paused! (Take into account, my severe depression came on also after having my last child. I had seemed to manage previous post natal depressions from my other children. This one was more extreme. Was the clash of the menopause and my post natal depression together the cause of my very erratic behavior during that time? I wrote my first book 'My Beautiful Flower' three years ago to share my experiences of depression and my struggles to be a mother, available on amazon since March 2015. I have been mentally well most of this year and can feel myself having longer periods of wellness.)
My periods then disappeared when I was 46 years and as each month passed with no sign of them, I was sure I was now in 'The Change.'
Friends had told me that when your period is gone for two years altogether, you've indeed gone through it. However my 'friends' came back after a year for two months and now they've gone again which I'm only too happy about, needless to say!
So now I'm 48 years and I'm having 'Hot Flushes'. They started just a couple of weeks ago. I know they're hot flushes and not sweats because it's like someone has turned on the oven in me. It can happen anytime, day or night and I can feel myself going hot and red all over. Not one to overly sweat, I am not soaking wet, but I can feel beads of sweat coming out over my lip and forehead.
Hot flushes can be embarrassing because people only see you going red and when you're aware of that, you just go redder!
It's funny, because when I was in puberty, I used to go red all of the time, over any little thing. It was the shame of my youth. No wonder I was accused of things, I always looked guilty with a big red face all of the time! I remember when I was doing my trade in a barber shop. I must've been about seventeen at the time. I had finished my ladies hairdressing trade and thought it would be great to have a barbering trade also. I didn't stop to think what it would be like to work in an all men environment. In 1983, they had just started advertising controversial adds on the radio, like the necessity of sanitary pads! I mean, who needs to advertise sanitary pads on anywhere for God's sake? Half our population need them!
But oh my God, when the advertisement came on, it lasted about three whole minutes. Someone was very thorough! Me and every lad in the shop knew everything we needed to know about periods, pads and tampons. I was mortified. The barber shop would be quiet enough with just hair cutting going on, no distractions of a hairdryer at all. My face went beetroot red. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom!
And each time after that when the ad came on, probably at least five times a day, I had to run out, for fear of anyone noticing my beetroot face! Of course they all did, but there was nothing I could do. I was so embarrassed! The shop would be packed with the whole population of nineteen year old boys!
Thankfully now at my age, there is little that would embarrass me, unless of course I make a fool of myself!
So, I think I'm doing ok with 'The Change'. I think I'm nearly through it. It's only been a short eleven years! My mental health is better, my relationships are better with my children, my husband, my family and friends. Is it a coincidence that while I was suffering depression I was also going through 'The Change'?
Was I that Monster woman?
Oh My God! Yes I was!
Jean xxx
I remember having night sweats for two or three years after Yasmin's birth. I had heard about night sweats before and their being related to the peri menopause. I assumed that's what was now happening to me. I knew mine were night sweats because I would wake up every night soaking wet, especially around the neck area. I would have to change the sheets each morning. I assumed then that night sweats were the same thing as hot flushes, just with a different name.
When the sweats disappeared, everything seemed to go back to normal and I assumed my peri menopause had paused! (Take into account, my severe depression came on also after having my last child. I had seemed to manage previous post natal depressions from my other children. This one was more extreme. Was the clash of the menopause and my post natal depression together the cause of my very erratic behavior during that time? I wrote my first book 'My Beautiful Flower' three years ago to share my experiences of depression and my struggles to be a mother, available on amazon since March 2015. I have been mentally well most of this year and can feel myself having longer periods of wellness.)
My periods then disappeared when I was 46 years and as each month passed with no sign of them, I was sure I was now in 'The Change.'
Friends had told me that when your period is gone for two years altogether, you've indeed gone through it. However my 'friends' came back after a year for two months and now they've gone again which I'm only too happy about, needless to say!
So now I'm 48 years and I'm having 'Hot Flushes'. They started just a couple of weeks ago. I know they're hot flushes and not sweats because it's like someone has turned on the oven in me. It can happen anytime, day or night and I can feel myself going hot and red all over. Not one to overly sweat, I am not soaking wet, but I can feel beads of sweat coming out over my lip and forehead.
Hot flushes can be embarrassing because people only see you going red and when you're aware of that, you just go redder!
It's funny, because when I was in puberty, I used to go red all of the time, over any little thing. It was the shame of my youth. No wonder I was accused of things, I always looked guilty with a big red face all of the time! I remember when I was doing my trade in a barber shop. I must've been about seventeen at the time. I had finished my ladies hairdressing trade and thought it would be great to have a barbering trade also. I didn't stop to think what it would be like to work in an all men environment. In 1983, they had just started advertising controversial adds on the radio, like the necessity of sanitary pads! I mean, who needs to advertise sanitary pads on anywhere for God's sake? Half our population need them!
But oh my God, when the advertisement came on, it lasted about three whole minutes. Someone was very thorough! Me and every lad in the shop knew everything we needed to know about periods, pads and tampons. I was mortified. The barber shop would be quiet enough with just hair cutting going on, no distractions of a hairdryer at all. My face went beetroot red. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom!
And each time after that when the ad came on, probably at least five times a day, I had to run out, for fear of anyone noticing my beetroot face! Of course they all did, but there was nothing I could do. I was so embarrassed! The shop would be packed with the whole population of nineteen year old boys!
Thankfully now at my age, there is little that would embarrass me, unless of course I make a fool of myself!
So, I think I'm doing ok with 'The Change'. I think I'm nearly through it. It's only been a short eleven years! My mental health is better, my relationships are better with my children, my husband, my family and friends. Is it a coincidence that while I was suffering depression I was also going through 'The Change'?
Was I that Monster woman?
Oh My God! Yes I was!
Jean xxx
Tuesday 25 August 2015
And all because of a dress.....
What goes on inside a woman's mind? I'll never be sure, even though I am a woman! We are complicated, that's for sure. We're sensitive. We take things personally. We are competitive with other women. We don't want another woman having more than us; More beauty, more money, more boyfriends. We are defensive of ourselves. If it seems a woman is having it all, we are jealous of them. We find excuses to fall out with them.
I hear stories day in and day out about women best friends falling out with each other. I've even experienced it myself as I shared in a previous blog. You have to wonder what happens to these women? They have been best friends for life! You know the type, they tell each other everything, they laugh at the same things, they love each other's company and they go everywhere together. But when the big fallout happens, that love soon turns to hate.
I suppose us women drive each other crazy at times, especially if we spend all of our free time with them. We're sure to irritate each other. I have also experienced times in the past, when other women friends had irritated me and I would judge them, blame them for the irritation. Something about them bugged me. I would take no responsibility at all for my own selfish behavior, maybe wanting everything my own way?
I also think our expectations of our woman friends are too high. We depend on them too much. Somehow, we forget that they are only human and they make mistakes in friendships just like us.
I also don't think that we are truly honest with them either and that's a big problem. We sometimes go along with things that might not suit us. If we seem to be doing everything that the other woman friend wants to do, it will inevitably cause trouble, at the very least, unhappiness in the friendship.
When our women friends behave in a way that you may think is stupid or out of line and you criticize them for it, you are not allowing for that person to be who she is. You start to judge her. You compare her to you and all of a sudden you think your way might be better than hers and the little annoying things she does, begin to develop into huge things that really bother you about her. You of course begin to hold resentment towards her and don't speak to her about it. After all, how can you say anything to her? It's not really any of your business how she behaves in life, until one day, something totally irrelevant happens that you can say something about and all hell breaks loose.
She chooses the same color dress as you for an important occasion! That's all it takes. It doesn't matter if the dress is completely different. It doesn't matter if you're prettier, smarter, richer than your friend. You've had it! You don't care if that color suits your friend better than the other colors. You forget all of the fun times and memories that you have shared together and you go in for the kill. You lose your head completely and you throw in how hurt YOU feel. (Notice you don't care how she feels?) You'll never be able to forgive her so you dump your friendship. You're done with her. You just can't take anymore of her.
Your devastated girlfriend has no idea what's happening.
'Is this all because of a dress?' She wonders sadly.
How many other people are effected by this same dress? The relevant families, siblings and other long time friends are all now taking sides and avoiding each other.
The rift grows too far apart to repair.
So are we women dishonest? Shallow?
We need to search deep inside our minds to work these issues out. We really need to think the issue through and own our stuff, acknowledge if we are being unreasonable. I think we all know when we are being unreasonable and stubborn and if we don't, we need to concentrate hard. If we accept our own responsibility for our own dishonesty in the friendship, we'll be able to accept that a lot of the issues that bothered us about our female friends were caused by ourselves. Because while we were laughing and giggling and playing around, we didn't express our real self to our friends. We women are always aiming for our own perfection. We don't express that we are weak and needy at times.
So, we may feel we've been hard done by, because we feel we deserve more from our friend. After all, aren't we doing stuff for her that we don't want too?
Does she know this? Is she a mind reader?
Don't dump her, talk to her!
Jean xxx
I hear stories day in and day out about women best friends falling out with each other. I've even experienced it myself as I shared in a previous blog. You have to wonder what happens to these women? They have been best friends for life! You know the type, they tell each other everything, they laugh at the same things, they love each other's company and they go everywhere together. But when the big fallout happens, that love soon turns to hate.
I suppose us women drive each other crazy at times, especially if we spend all of our free time with them. We're sure to irritate each other. I have also experienced times in the past, when other women friends had irritated me and I would judge them, blame them for the irritation. Something about them bugged me. I would take no responsibility at all for my own selfish behavior, maybe wanting everything my own way?
I also think our expectations of our woman friends are too high. We depend on them too much. Somehow, we forget that they are only human and they make mistakes in friendships just like us.
I also don't think that we are truly honest with them either and that's a big problem. We sometimes go along with things that might not suit us. If we seem to be doing everything that the other woman friend wants to do, it will inevitably cause trouble, at the very least, unhappiness in the friendship.
When our women friends behave in a way that you may think is stupid or out of line and you criticize them for it, you are not allowing for that person to be who she is. You start to judge her. You compare her to you and all of a sudden you think your way might be better than hers and the little annoying things she does, begin to develop into huge things that really bother you about her. You of course begin to hold resentment towards her and don't speak to her about it. After all, how can you say anything to her? It's not really any of your business how she behaves in life, until one day, something totally irrelevant happens that you can say something about and all hell breaks loose.
She chooses the same color dress as you for an important occasion! That's all it takes. It doesn't matter if the dress is completely different. It doesn't matter if you're prettier, smarter, richer than your friend. You've had it! You don't care if that color suits your friend better than the other colors. You forget all of the fun times and memories that you have shared together and you go in for the kill. You lose your head completely and you throw in how hurt YOU feel. (Notice you don't care how she feels?) You'll never be able to forgive her so you dump your friendship. You're done with her. You just can't take anymore of her.
Your devastated girlfriend has no idea what's happening.
'Is this all because of a dress?' She wonders sadly.
How many other people are effected by this same dress? The relevant families, siblings and other long time friends are all now taking sides and avoiding each other.
The rift grows too far apart to repair.
So are we women dishonest? Shallow?
We need to search deep inside our minds to work these issues out. We really need to think the issue through and own our stuff, acknowledge if we are being unreasonable. I think we all know when we are being unreasonable and stubborn and if we don't, we need to concentrate hard. If we accept our own responsibility for our own dishonesty in the friendship, we'll be able to accept that a lot of the issues that bothered us about our female friends were caused by ourselves. Because while we were laughing and giggling and playing around, we didn't express our real self to our friends. We women are always aiming for our own perfection. We don't express that we are weak and needy at times.
So, we may feel we've been hard done by, because we feel we deserve more from our friend. After all, aren't we doing stuff for her that we don't want too?
Does she know this? Is she a mind reader?
Don't dump her, talk to her!
Jean xxx
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