Is someone up there winding me up?

I have a distinct feeling that someone up there beyond the mile deep clouds is having a good ole laugh at my expense. And I have no idea why!
Ok, so I was a terrible cheeky teenager to my Dad, (to which I apologised, (Oh, I'm not too sure I did apologise actually! So maybe it is him getting his own back on me!)
If you think there is nobody upstairs or afterlife or God, just have a look at your own life. Isn't it the most difficult thing you ever had to do? You may think you're isolated in this challenging life, but I'm pretty sure you're not. Everybody must have their shite. Even poor David Bowie, (And wasn't he a true legend?) His last song and video called Lazarus is very powerful.
And, if you listened to all of his songs, he was singing his truth! Good for him. At least now he is at peace. And he left us a lot of inspiring songs to help us figure him out.
So as you know, the pressures of my life were dragging me down lately. I went and walked my dogs yesterday and in the open space I feel closer to God.  I asked him for help and guidance.
Or for anybody out there reading this, whoever frees your mind from doom.
 Walking in the lovely cold fresh air really helps. Ok, so I wasn't Mary Poppins when I came back from my walk but I did get a few things done in my house afterwards. And I was able to cook a meal for my family. I was able to help Yasmin with her homework and I went to bed when she went to bed at 9.30.
I was up with Yasmin at 6.30 this morning and tackled my washing and ironing before I dropped her to school and came back to walk my dogs in the fields.
I walked through the muck and let my excited dogs off their leads and prayed to God to free my mind from negatives and resentments and fill my mind with positives and gratitudes. I was also praying that they wouldn't knock me over with their powerful speed. They have the power to crush my hips or  leg!
My three handsome dogs were dashing about, happy to be free. As I pray, I keep an eye out for them. Storm never strays far from me. He's my four year old grey Husky that I re-homed from a young couple who worked long hours to my house where there was constant activity. He is forever loyal.
Skye, my eight year old female red Husky who is the leader of my two year old white Husky ran off and into the road. Next thing I heard was screams and squeals of pain that I knew was coming from my white guy.
I am really not good for this. I can't see people or animals lose limbs, or blood and guts from things.
I had to go and walk towards my white dog's cries of pain.
There he was, the poor fella had scrambled back into the field to his mam, (me). I knew from 50 metres that his leg was broken badly. I could also see, with my bad eyes, that there was no visual signs of blood. That was good. I could approach him. I really couldn't be dealing with missing bits of his body. (Just to let you know, who ever hit him, never stopped! I'm not sure what kind of person does that)
I was instantly upset for the egit's pain. I had no phone on me, so I had to go out into the road to flag someone for help.
Now, I didn't look good. I was in my muddy field walking clothes, (You really can't wear your good jeans walking in Ratoath. It doesn't go.) I had my favourite hat on that holds in my unruly hair. The one with the bright pink flowers that apparently does nothing for me. And there I was, frigging crying, trying to get someone to stop. No wonder the first few drove past. Anyway, an old man stopped and then a young man in a van stopped. And they both followed me into the field to help my dog.
The poor ole creature was in such pain, we couldn't pick him up. His poor ole leg was dangling so loosely, I thought it was going to fall off. I couldn't look!
In the mean time, my other two crazy dogs were jumping up and down all of us for some answers, (Is he going to be ok?) I eventually grabbed their collars and got my poor white dog to hop along behind me in so much pain, to the kind old man's car. He obligingly struggled in to the old man's car boot who brought him to the Ratoath vets. The young man got my two other Huskies into the back of his van and dropped them safely home.
Frigging dogs.
As I went to the Vet's, I was thinking if Sully were to lose a leg, maybe it would be better if he were put down, although I knew in my heart, that he would survive with only three legs and that I would let him.
Miraculously, Sully had a break that could be fixed!
I asked the vet first of all, was he out of pain and yes, the lovely vet had given him the wonder drug, Morphine! (Don't knock it. It is the only drug that takes the pain away and I didn't want to see my little guy suffer)
Sully will be in vet hospital till Friday! It'll cost me a small fortune, but will I find the money from somewhere? Of course I will!
You know, life is like a crazy carnival.
There is always something so dangerous going on.
I would never go to the RDS fun-fare for fear of my life, but I guess I don't have to.
 My life is full of dangerous roller coaster rides.

Jean xxx

Just some knowledge for all you sufferers of depression and how I get through it

I am now aware why I become depressed and I am also aware of the symptoms.
I know why there are these symptoms of fatigue, listlessness, hopelessness
I know that life's challenges sometimes sends all of these symptoms into my brain at once and my weariness lets them in
I become beaten down
I am floored
I know I have to try get up and perform my duties of living
I need a strong mind and a strong sense of belief in myself in order to not be led down this road of depression. I need to continue my brain washing of positivity to get me through this
Of course, I'm still on anti depressants and I'm sure they do their job of replacing the serotonin thats missing in my brain, but they can't protect my emotions because they are intangible
No tablet, drug or alcohol can fix them
I need to be a strong mother
 My offsprings are realizing themselves that life presents horrible challenges for them also
Will my knowledge help them?
Although it won't save them and that saddens me
If I had a magic wand, I would magic me some miracles, to make things easier
But I don't
So I am going to force myself to wash my face and teeth
And I am going to force myself to walk my dogs and ask God to help me
To remind me of all the things I should be grateful for, focus on those
When I come back
I will force myself to clean my house and cook a meal
And I know that slowly these feelings will move on

Jean xxx

The importance of a Mother's Stew...

What ingredients are in that pot of Stew that only your Mother can make?
Filled with wisdom
As she chops her vegetables and potatoes so carefully, just the way you like it
Tenderly adding in only the best bits of meat, then stock
Cooking it to perfection, slowly bringing it to the boil
Then leaving it to simmer
To feed her child, to keep her warm and help her grow
To nourish her mind and her body
To taste the delights of the sweet vegetables and the bitterness of others
Prepared to go off safely into the World
Because the stew is your Mother's love
The amazing gift that is to be a Mother
And the amazing gift that she has inside her to love you un-conditionly
As you age
And when you return sad and hurt
The bowl of Stew is instantly served....
Your baby receives their first bowl of Stew at their three month birthday
They eat ravenously
The years go by and your children are well used to your Mother's Stew
They giggle at her old fashioned food
But they grow up with their Grand Mother's pot of love
With all of the ingredients for a healthy life
Kindness, compassion, trust, morals, loyalty, respect and responsibility.....
Time passes and your Mother serves her last pot of Stew
You relish every drop
You will miss the wise old woman who brought her family to the table every week
with her cherished dish
She looks around at her brood, proud that she has walked in God's footsteps.....
As she taught each daughter how to make their own precious pot of Stew
Full of love, full of support, full of generosity
To keep her family healthy and safe....
What happens to the child who doesn't receive that bowl of Stew?
Who has never felt the warmth and security from the wonderful blend?
How will she grow Good?
How will she banish Evil?

Jean xxx

What Santa means to me....

As a mother for 26 years now, I've been visiting Santa Claus for quite some time. Myself and my sisters, husbands and kids favor the Arnott's Santa in Dublin city centre. It has become quite a tradition with my family and every December, we head off really early on a Saturday morning to try get ahead of the very long queue to see the precious fella.
Mostly all of our children come with us. The youngest is ten and the oldest is 26, (Ok, he doesn't come, yet. Soon to be married, soon to be a parent! He'll be back!)
We merrily chat to all of the other parents while waiting the many hours, enquiring how long they have been coming to the 'Real' Santa. Everybody regales their tails of when they found him and why he is so special. I look around at all of the families of all ages. They come from all parts of the country and it's quite amazing to see the mix. There are posh people, common people, poor people, rich people, foreign people, educated people, all talking to each other, admiring each other's children, sharing seats and cups of coffee. Despite what goes on outside Arnott's doors or where ever else all of our shared problems lay, we are all in the Christmas Spirit.
Arnott's is an old but refurbished department store, so it has a state of the art luxury and modern design. The Christmas design this year was full of sparkling delights. There were Santa sacks and sleigh bells; There were lego reindeer! Brilliant! And a great idea, 'Take an Elfy of yourself!' There was a huge relaxing area where families could chill and watch some Christmas movies and the wonderful staff were as wonderful as ever!
 The only snag was that the new air conditioning system was on heat instead of chill and by the time it was our turn to see Santa, we had discarded all of our Christmas jumpers and drank half a dozen bottles of water. It was like Christmas in the Bahamas during a heat wave!
 We gave a huge cheer as we finally headed in behind the deep velvet curtains to see the delightful Father Christmas sitting in his comfy armchair beside his fireplace. 'Hello Santa!' We all chimed. Looking at this genuine old man with a real beard and his own bit of belly fat, dressed handsomely in red. He smiled widely at us all. 'Tell me all about yourself now,' he asked each of us in turn. 'What are you looking for this Christmas?' He took his time and showed an interest in all of my teenage nieces and nephews and they in turn showed great respect for this dear old man. And what were they looking for from this kind old man? They of course know that this Santa will not deliver their iphones or laptops, or designer clothes. So, why were they here?
They came to get the magic that Santa gives. The magic of Christmas Sprit. Of sharing and caring.
 And giving of oneself. Because for this one day of the year, we all can.
Santa Claus may be a figure of mystery and fantasy for little children, but as we grow older, Santa Claus stands for giving. Being in the Christmas Spirit and sharing your time and yourself with family and friends and anybody that may need you, is what Christmas is all about.
And that's where the magic is.
Merry Christmas xxx
Jean xxx

This is my Christmas letter to you all!

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas....

It's that time of year again, already? Haven't we just taken down last years decorations?
Wow! Where did that year go? I know they say when you get older that the years go in faster, but, I wasn't ready. This is my worse year for organisation. How does this happen? I remember when I was young, (younger) when I had all the cards sent, the house spotless and everything in. What date is it now? The 18th? Ok, so I still have a few more days left to do all that stuff and I've just had a great thought! I'll write you all a letter! (Just incase you don't receive your card)
How was your year?
Are you all grateful you just got through it? I can't lie. I am so grateful to be alive, truly, I am, but isn't life a challenge? Especially these last few years that have been financially challenging. It can seem to be a trudging chore at times and I'm also really aware of family and friends and strangers who have died recently, before their time.
There are so many. And they were all lovely people. Kindhearted people. You don't have to wonder too much why God would take these people. He wants them! They are good and genuine. They don't need to serve a life of learning because they are educated in kindness already. So they are happy in Heaven. And we're glad for them and we miss them, but we don't forget them. I have my Dad's photo on my dressing table and I see him always. He is here with us and I feel his presence. I would much prefer if he was here and I could ask him to do a chore for me, maybe something in the garden or the house and with his unqualified skills he would gladly tackle it for his daughter, because there is nobody like a daughter to a Dad! But I am really happy that he is at peace and I wouldn't be selfish enough to make him come back to this crazy planet! But nine years on and I still miss him. He loved Christmas and he loved to party! I think I'm a bit like him that way.
 It's hard for the people who have lost beloved ones and I feel their pain. I can't help them. They have to live with this loss for the rest of their days. And the loss of these people is so heartfelt to us all. I know that they are all in Heaven and they are happy and at peace, but they will be missed.
I still remember my best pal Declan, wow, almost 30 years later since he died! He was such a lovely  lad. You see! Another good one gone. And I will always remember his kindness. As I remember all of my other family and friends who have passed. I take pleasure in remembering their kindnesses. It is a wonderful gift to be a kind person. Someone who is thoughtful and considerate of others. You might be a small person in the universe, but you are huge in your presence. Imagine having the wonderful gift of helping others, loving others and including everyone as equal? Of course, we are all equal. It doesn't matter about our colour or creed or wealth or looks or 'coolness' status, we are all equal.
Isn't it funny that you never remember anyone who's mean? I have had people mean to me in my lifetime, but I don't remember them. They don't leave their mark. They are forgotten.
So my wish to all of you this Christmas, and I hope to see you all, (I'll do my best to visit over our festive season) is to enjoy this wonderful life! Please take everything as a roller-coaster challenge, not a decisive of your life. Enjoy breathing, walking, listening, seeing!
Be Grateful for this one and only life that you have a chance of living!
And be kind to people.
The people who laugh loudest are always the ones who are sad inside.
Merry Christmas
Jean xx

I need to explain

I spoke about my days growing up in Cabra in 'My Beautiful Flower'.
 My girl friends, our back-rounds, our poorness. But how can I explain our unity....
You may look down your nose at dysfunction, but don't knock it. Dysfunction is a wonderful gift.
Dysfunction being, limited education, poverty, alcohol abuse, struggling parents.
We had a class reunion tonight from 40 years ago
And I recognized so many
All smiles and praise
No complaints
That's the thing
No complaint's
Support, encouragement,
Smiles,
reassuring hugs and touch.
Delighted to see you looking so well.
Happy for you.
Why?
Because it's just great to see you. They remember your contribution to them surviving school or parents or growing up years. Because you made it fun. Like they made it fun for you. Less scary.
And here you are.
You live to tell the tail.
Of truth.
Of life.
But it's ok.
Because they are here with you.
And they are still smiling!
That's what friends are....
Jean. xxx

Lost...

I feel like Tom Hanks in one of his great acting rolls in Castaway when his companion, best mate, only friend in the world falls into the sea and Tom never sees him again.
That's the way I feel inside,
Lost.
No strength.
Detached from society.
As if I am going to collapse, but it's a mental collapse and then it's physical also. But I can't allow myself the pleasure of a collapse. I can see the benefits of being in a delusional state.
 Of not feeling the pain of failure.
I'm drained emotionally.  I have no energy nor interest to look nice .
 I'm not meeting my family's needs.
I'm wreaked in guilt for my emotional failures in life.
My precious eleven year old struggles to go to school every morning, everything hurts her, her hair, her teeth washing, her face washing, her toe this morning, I know school is hard for her even though she says it's not.
 I can't take her pain away from her.
She's angry with herself. How can I teach her to accept herself?
She's such a great girl, she really tries hard.
Yet I am so grateful for the school system this morning, because I can have six hours break from her Dyspraxia and everything that goes with it for my little pet. You know, Yasmin was born with this disability, it's mild enough you might say because you can't see it's physical form, but every day she grows older, her disability doesn't. It's still a tantrumous, anxious, hyper active, struggling, clumsy, scared, angry, disorganized three year old.
It's still the same challenge for her every day. Every day she has to work very very hard to learn things that some take for granted.
My heart goes out to the many parents who have a lot more disabilities in their children and they are aging but their children are not.
I'm only 48 and I'm tired.

Jean xxx