As an owner of a construction company, this last recession hit us with a bang! It began in 2007 when the huge construction firms stopped paying the little contractors like my husband! The business suffered huge losses and struggled to survive.
Many of our close friends and business friends lost their business, their homes and some their marriages and some their lives. My husband's company went from 60 to 6 employees and somehow they managed to keep going. I say they, because it was because of his original 6 dedicated employees and our family members that helped keep Custom Crew Construction LTD going. And of course, my husband's good maths head!
I tried to help as much as I could and decided to sell some of our un needed clutter around my home. This is what I wrote at the time and shows the funny side of our struggles!
Fairyhouse Market!
We packed up all our treasures
and loaded up the truck,
We piled on layers of clothing
and wellies for the muck!
We hung up our Lipsy dresses
that once graced the fancy clubs
and lined up our red soled shoes
our Carvella's and our Uggs!
Oh we loved the banter of the markets
And we gave it back as good!
Who knew that market selling
was lying waiting in our blood?
We had our sambo's ready
and hot steaming flasks of tea,
we had to take our turns running for a wee!
We watched our designer handbags get picked up with delight,
Gucci, Armani, Guess and Juicy
that held great memories of great nights!
The euros were mounting up
as our rails were emptying fast!
Our play stations, D S's. and DVD's
staying till the last!
I'm proud of those 5am Sunday mornings
in the rain, sleet, snow and sun,
as Christine and I stayed twelve long hours
till everything was gone!
This last recession was tough and unfair
It savaged and destroyed,
but it reminded us of forgotten values
as more became unemployed.
Laughter and friendship gathered in that Market,
neighbours, posh, poor, sisters and brothers,
all the same, all united, with the same goals,
but like the old Irish that wealth forgot, were now back helping others!
by Jean Murray
Monday 15 June 2015
Thursday 11 June 2015
lessons learnt!
As a Mother, you make a few mistakes when things aren't going well for your little angels. I did it at least once with each of my children. Not mildly. With guns blazing. You think I would've learned after the first quite torturous incident. No, not me.
I was reminded of one such outburst when I signed Yasmin up for the Ward Union Pony Club.
Now, if anybody is reading this from the Ward Union, (especially the DC Katy at the time) I do apologize now for my interference and for the show I made of myself all those years ago! I am in a much better place these days!
The thing is, there are things that you do at a time and I guess it's not a problem, because you're probably not going to bump into the same people again. Until you do! When your next child is dying to be in the Ward Union Pony Club!
Let me explain; My little angel Sarah (now 19) was in the Ward Union Pony Club for three years when she was about ten. To be honest, it's a great club, where lots of experienced riders give up their free time and their land to teach these kids eventing.
There's a grand finale with a full week's pony camp in the posh riding stables at Tattersalls where the kids have a fantastic week of eventing. They also get their grade in pony and stable management.
Each year when the prizes where being given out, (it was a grand ceremony) I waited for my little angel to get hers, but she didn't. And then the next year. And she didn't.
And then on her last year, (she had decided that show jumping was for her), that she was leaving the pony club, she never got that prize.
Oh you know what's coming. I felt her loss. All the other kids were getting pony rugs and feed and lots of stuff in prizes. And she got nothing.
So like any decent Mother would do, I complained! I complained to every member on the board in my self righteous tone! How they were doing it so wrong. Why can't every child get a prize? I told them what I thought of their unfairly run club!
Mmmm..... Six years later and I'm back and when I see the familiar faces again, it suddenly dawns on me. Ouch!
I think that God is leaving me here on this Earth for a few more years because I still have many people I have to apologize to!
I was reminded of one such outburst when I signed Yasmin up for the Ward Union Pony Club.
Now, if anybody is reading this from the Ward Union, (especially the DC Katy at the time) I do apologize now for my interference and for the show I made of myself all those years ago! I am in a much better place these days!
The thing is, there are things that you do at a time and I guess it's not a problem, because you're probably not going to bump into the same people again. Until you do! When your next child is dying to be in the Ward Union Pony Club!
Let me explain; My little angel Sarah (now 19) was in the Ward Union Pony Club for three years when she was about ten. To be honest, it's a great club, where lots of experienced riders give up their free time and their land to teach these kids eventing.
There's a grand finale with a full week's pony camp in the posh riding stables at Tattersalls where the kids have a fantastic week of eventing. They also get their grade in pony and stable management.
Each year when the prizes where being given out, (it was a grand ceremony) I waited for my little angel to get hers, but she didn't. And then the next year. And she didn't.
And then on her last year, (she had decided that show jumping was for her), that she was leaving the pony club, she never got that prize.
Oh you know what's coming. I felt her loss. All the other kids were getting pony rugs and feed and lots of stuff in prizes. And she got nothing.
So like any decent Mother would do, I complained! I complained to every member on the board in my self righteous tone! How they were doing it so wrong. Why can't every child get a prize? I told them what I thought of their unfairly run club!
Mmmm..... Six years later and I'm back and when I see the familiar faces again, it suddenly dawns on me. Ouch!
I think that God is leaving me here on this Earth for a few more years because I still have many people I have to apologize to!
Wednesday 10 June 2015
There were a few blogs I had written during my last dose of depression that I didn't publish because they show the inner debt of me at the time, so I saved them in drafts; One of which I published just before this one. Thankfully I am feeling really well at the moment, but I'd like to explain what it's like when it hits.
I am on Lexapro anti depressant 20 mils now and I think it's grand. There are no side effects and I certainly don't feel addicted to it. Because I did come off it and on it a few times in my last few years, I would be very reluctant to come off it at the moment.
Anti depressant's don't make you better, but they do replace the chemical that is low in depressed people. You also need to do the emotional work to find out all about you in order for them to be successful. I have successfully done the work on myself and I realize that for me, I need to be in a positive and grateful place each day, so it is a continuation of work. I don't mind that. In my book, 'My Beautiful Flower' I describe that I was a negative, fearful person. In my recovery, in the last two years, I brainwashed myself into positive thinking and gratitude. Believe me, that is the key.
So how come I was in a bad emotional state again in the middle of April this year till the middle of May?
I look at it like this; You can take all your flu vitamins but you can still get the flu if you are over worked, it's the same for the brain. I had a lot of emotional stress and financial stress in my life these past couple of months, even though I was doing my work on myself and my walks, I was emotionally and physically overworked.
And I fell. I knew what was happening this time so I knew I had to go through the motions. A month is a long time to be mentally ill and I tried to use all my helping skills to get me through it.
Eventually, thank God, I did get through it.
Yes, I know now that when I do come off my medication I will get these bouts of depression still, just like the flu.
When I looked back on my saved blogs this morning, I wasn't surprised, because I know me. But if I had of acted out any of my crazy thoughts at the time, I would've caused a lot of upheaval in everyone's lives.
I did act out on one, but I'm not ready to share that with you yet.xx Jean
I am on Lexapro anti depressant 20 mils now and I think it's grand. There are no side effects and I certainly don't feel addicted to it. Because I did come off it and on it a few times in my last few years, I would be very reluctant to come off it at the moment.
Anti depressant's don't make you better, but they do replace the chemical that is low in depressed people. You also need to do the emotional work to find out all about you in order for them to be successful. I have successfully done the work on myself and I realize that for me, I need to be in a positive and grateful place each day, so it is a continuation of work. I don't mind that. In my book, 'My Beautiful Flower' I describe that I was a negative, fearful person. In my recovery, in the last two years, I brainwashed myself into positive thinking and gratitude. Believe me, that is the key.
So how come I was in a bad emotional state again in the middle of April this year till the middle of May?
I look at it like this; You can take all your flu vitamins but you can still get the flu if you are over worked, it's the same for the brain. I had a lot of emotional stress and financial stress in my life these past couple of months, even though I was doing my work on myself and my walks, I was emotionally and physically overworked.
And I fell. I knew what was happening this time so I knew I had to go through the motions. A month is a long time to be mentally ill and I tried to use all my helping skills to get me through it.
Eventually, thank God, I did get through it.
Yes, I know now that when I do come off my medication I will get these bouts of depression still, just like the flu.
When I looked back on my saved blogs this morning, I wasn't surprised, because I know me. But if I had of acted out any of my crazy thoughts at the time, I would've caused a lot of upheaval in everyone's lives.
I did act out on one, but I'm not ready to share that with you yet.xx Jean
Now that I'm feeling well again, I want to share with you what I feel when I'm not well.
So, I can go to the doctor, but what would I say,
He may suggest different or more anti depressants, but I won't take them. I don't think they'll work.
He may suggest I go in some where for a while, I do have the VHI cover, but I won't leave my children and to be honest, I'd feel a bit silly. I know I'm feeling ill with depression, but I'm not going off my head. Or am I?
Maybe I'll leave, maybe it's time.
But how do I do that? They will probably be better off without me...
I'm pretty sure I won't be any happier without my family.
So how am I going to wake this deadness in me?
I'm sorry God for taking up more of your time, but can you please help me?
Or is this my life?
He may suggest different or more anti depressants, but I won't take them. I don't think they'll work.
He may suggest I go in some where for a while, I do have the VHI cover, but I won't leave my children and to be honest, I'd feel a bit silly. I know I'm feeling ill with depression, but I'm not going off my head. Or am I?
Maybe I'll leave, maybe it's time.
But how do I do that? They will probably be better off without me...
I'm pretty sure I won't be any happier without my family.
So how am I going to wake this deadness in me?
I'm sorry God for taking up more of your time, but can you please help me?
Or is this my life?
Sunday 7 June 2015
Here's what I'm talking about!
As I watched my little girl Yasmin approach the gallops on her first pony club cross country training session on Thursday, again I heard myself say, 'No, there's no way Yasmin can do this! She couldn't want to do this! Could she?' But again, she amazed me.
I had no idea what 'The Gallops' were, but everybody was getting really excited as the kids, ten years old and under cantered over towards the end of the field.
And there it was! The Gallops was for all intents and purposes, a race course, on sand thankfully, but the kids go in two at a time and race each other around! They can go as fast as their horse can run!
I heard myself say 'Holy Mother Mary, Jesus and Joseph.'
'Mam, Can I have my whip?' she asked me. 'What? I don't think you need your whip Yasmin, don't go too fast.... and off she went.
Yasmin couldn't wait to ride ponies. She pestered me from the time she could talk at age three. I agreed to let her have a lesson when she was five, against Anto's wishes.
Yasmin had a huge difficulty with balance and muscle control because of her Dyspraxia. She had already had many falls before she was was five and broke arms, legs, elbows and wrists. She had plenty of falls on her head and many nasty cuts that I found myself becoming her constant nurse if I wasn't dashing off to Temple street with her!
I was worried sick about her wanting to follow her big sister Sarah's footsteps in horse riding.
Yasmin had many falls on her pony lessons but thankfully had no injuries and her OT reassured me and said that riding lessons were really good for muscle building and strength.
My heart would race and my nerves were gone but she would get back up on the pony and keep going. And that's the way it's been for the last five and a half years. Yasmin also has a comprehension difficulty, that means that she doesn't understand long sentences, so it's harder for her to listen and learn. It took her a long time to get to jumping 60 inch course. She has to concentrate hard to get her strides right, coming to a jump, position herself properly and jump when the time is right. She's still trying to master her strides and she's got a young pony so he can be a bit misbehaving, but she adores him!
Yasmin came back from her first run on the gallops with a big smile on her face, 'Mam, I really need my whip this time!'
She gave Eclipse a clip on the bum and off he galloped. He galloped fast around the course gathering speed. To be honest, I'm an awful coward, I was hiding behind the gathered parents, peeping through my hands. I prayed Yasmin wouldn't fall off. Her position was really good. She was doing it!
'That was really fun Mammy!'
I had no idea what 'The Gallops' were, but everybody was getting really excited as the kids, ten years old and under cantered over towards the end of the field.
And there it was! The Gallops was for all intents and purposes, a race course, on sand thankfully, but the kids go in two at a time and race each other around! They can go as fast as their horse can run!
I heard myself say 'Holy Mother Mary, Jesus and Joseph.'
'Mam, Can I have my whip?' she asked me. 'What? I don't think you need your whip Yasmin, don't go too fast.... and off she went.
Yasmin couldn't wait to ride ponies. She pestered me from the time she could talk at age three. I agreed to let her have a lesson when she was five, against Anto's wishes.
Yasmin had a huge difficulty with balance and muscle control because of her Dyspraxia. She had already had many falls before she was was five and broke arms, legs, elbows and wrists. She had plenty of falls on her head and many nasty cuts that I found myself becoming her constant nurse if I wasn't dashing off to Temple street with her!
I was worried sick about her wanting to follow her big sister Sarah's footsteps in horse riding.
Yasmin had many falls on her pony lessons but thankfully had no injuries and her OT reassured me and said that riding lessons were really good for muscle building and strength.
My heart would race and my nerves were gone but she would get back up on the pony and keep going. And that's the way it's been for the last five and a half years. Yasmin also has a comprehension difficulty, that means that she doesn't understand long sentences, so it's harder for her to listen and learn. It took her a long time to get to jumping 60 inch course. She has to concentrate hard to get her strides right, coming to a jump, position herself properly and jump when the time is right. She's still trying to master her strides and she's got a young pony so he can be a bit misbehaving, but she adores him!
Yasmin came back from her first run on the gallops with a big smile on her face, 'Mam, I really need my whip this time!'
She gave Eclipse a clip on the bum and off he galloped. He galloped fast around the course gathering speed. To be honest, I'm an awful coward, I was hiding behind the gathered parents, peeping through my hands. I prayed Yasmin wouldn't fall off. Her position was really good. She was doing it!
'That was really fun Mammy!'
Tuesday 26 May 2015
How I'm getting through it...
When I had my first child, Anthony, I was 22 years of age. I loved him as any first time Mammy will know, with absolute conviction. But because my little angel was a typical baby, sleep deprivation soon wised me up on the delights of motherhood and I knew that I couldn't have another one till this one was grown up, well at least a bit grown up. That's why I chose to wait six years before Sarah came along and then nine more years before Yasmin came along. Besides my own personal problems, (I suspected I suffered with post natal depression then and I knew that my mental state wouldn't be able for the extra stress that babies together would bring) this all seemed to work out well for the children. They were all loving children and because of the gaps, there weren't the usual scraps that often happen with children closer in age.
Then a couple of years into my bliss, when Yasmin was three, Sarah was twelve and Anthony was eighteen years of age, things got a bit hectic. Yasmin had pretty scary tantrums, Sarah had started puberty and Anthony wanted to leave school before his final exams. All of a sudden I thought, 'Hang on a minute, these gaps maybe weren't such a good idea after all!' And so began a few years of emotional roller coaster rides in my life and believe me, I had never been on a roller coaster before, I like to play safe and be in control. (I was a bit of a control freak and that was another of my problems...)
I had to then learn how to deal with each child's individual emotional needs. It was a hugely difficult challenge for me but I can honestly say, I'd rather have gone through the pain to learn and change and to listen and to have the relationship I have with my children today than not to have faced it.
Of course, life isn't all made out of happy endings and my son was already eighteen and left home before I began to learn. But, he's a good lad and I welcomed a second chance when he moved back home a year ago so that he could save and marry his lovely girlfriend Sally.
I still have to work on my relationship with Anthony. It may never be what it should have been, but at least it will be now based on acceptance and gratitude.
So here I am at 48 years of age. My son to be married April 2016, a daughter just gone off on her first J1 visa, my little angel from heaven Yasmin, who has her own challenges with Dyspraxia, (but she's my inspiration because she never gives up trying!) Then throw into the mix, my husband's niece who arrives needing a home and support till she has her baby in December.
To be honest, it felt like I had just found out I was pregnant again (Remember my post natal depression!) and I was traumatized. It's just that I know this girls isn't very independent (Not because she isn't a beautiful girl and would love to be a beautiful mother and I'm sure she would be if she tackled her alcoholism!) But there you have it. The baby on my doorstep is more real than you would think as her own parents sadly died quite young.
I was very annoyed at my husband because he didn't see my problem or couldn't understand it either way. I have always carried on and got on with my load and what's different now?
Well, what's different now is that I now know me and I know what I'm capable of doing. I know my limitations. I'm not going to just jump in and say, 'Hey! I can do this, I am invincible!'
Because now I know I like my sleep, now I know Yasmin needs my undivided attention, now I know marriage takes work, now I know relationships with my children takes work, now I know I want to write and that takes time, now I know I like walking my three huskies and that takes time. I like meeting my friends for coffee and that takes time.
Anyway, I have asked God to guide me and I know I can make my own choices with his support, but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I put this woman from my door at this time. And that would do more harm for my mental state.
So, I pray for my strength to carry on with acceptance and respect.
Then a couple of years into my bliss, when Yasmin was three, Sarah was twelve and Anthony was eighteen years of age, things got a bit hectic. Yasmin had pretty scary tantrums, Sarah had started puberty and Anthony wanted to leave school before his final exams. All of a sudden I thought, 'Hang on a minute, these gaps maybe weren't such a good idea after all!' And so began a few years of emotional roller coaster rides in my life and believe me, I had never been on a roller coaster before, I like to play safe and be in control. (I was a bit of a control freak and that was another of my problems...)
I had to then learn how to deal with each child's individual emotional needs. It was a hugely difficult challenge for me but I can honestly say, I'd rather have gone through the pain to learn and change and to listen and to have the relationship I have with my children today than not to have faced it.
Of course, life isn't all made out of happy endings and my son was already eighteen and left home before I began to learn. But, he's a good lad and I welcomed a second chance when he moved back home a year ago so that he could save and marry his lovely girlfriend Sally.
I still have to work on my relationship with Anthony. It may never be what it should have been, but at least it will be now based on acceptance and gratitude.
So here I am at 48 years of age. My son to be married April 2016, a daughter just gone off on her first J1 visa, my little angel from heaven Yasmin, who has her own challenges with Dyspraxia, (but she's my inspiration because she never gives up trying!) Then throw into the mix, my husband's niece who arrives needing a home and support till she has her baby in December.
To be honest, it felt like I had just found out I was pregnant again (Remember my post natal depression!) and I was traumatized. It's just that I know this girls isn't very independent (Not because she isn't a beautiful girl and would love to be a beautiful mother and I'm sure she would be if she tackled her alcoholism!) But there you have it. The baby on my doorstep is more real than you would think as her own parents sadly died quite young.
I was very annoyed at my husband because he didn't see my problem or couldn't understand it either way. I have always carried on and got on with my load and what's different now?
Well, what's different now is that I now know me and I know what I'm capable of doing. I know my limitations. I'm not going to just jump in and say, 'Hey! I can do this, I am invincible!'
Because now I know I like my sleep, now I know Yasmin needs my undivided attention, now I know marriage takes work, now I know relationships with my children takes work, now I know I want to write and that takes time, now I know I like walking my three huskies and that takes time. I like meeting my friends for coffee and that takes time.
Anyway, I have asked God to guide me and I know I can make my own choices with his support, but unfortunately I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I put this woman from my door at this time. And that would do more harm for my mental state.
So, I pray for my strength to carry on with acceptance and respect.
Sunday 24 May 2015
Us Irish Mothers!
As I prepare for my 19 year old daughter to go off on a J1 visa this Tuesday 26th May, I find myself going through another milestone.
My little girl is growing up and it came in too fast! But I'm happy in the knowledge that Sarah is ready to do this. She has grown into a beautiful young lady. She has worked hard in her first year in Art college and in her part time job at Broadmeadows equestrian centre. She showed commitment and dedication and I really think her choice in sport and hobby of horse riding has taught her a great work ethic. As over the years Sarah has had to rise early at 5am each morning in the pitch dark of cold winters to the sunny bright days of summer to prepare her horse for shows and competitions. It also taught her a respect for animals and people alike.
Sarah gained a few little fans in Broadmeadows from the little girls she taught in lessons including her own sister Yasmin, whom Sarah spent a lot of extra time helping her in the last couple of weeks because she is going to miss her little annoying sister more than she thinks.
Yasmin will also miss Sarah a lot as Yasmin really looks up to Sarah.
This has all helped Sarah gain some life experiences that will help her in her new job in Busch Gardens in Virginia where I know she and her new pal Aisling will fit in just fine!
We went through the USIT visa program for Sarah because we wanted some structure as this is her first time to go it alone. Although it is an expensive method, it ticks all the boxes for your precious off spring's safety. Sarah and Aisling will stay in a dormatory on site and two other girls will be sharing with them.
This will take my once extremely shy little girl out of her comfort zone but it will also be the start of her own independent life and give her some great memories.
How will I cope with three months without picking up my nineteen year old daughter's knickers from the bathroom floor?
I may just cope fine. xx
My little girl is growing up and it came in too fast! But I'm happy in the knowledge that Sarah is ready to do this. She has grown into a beautiful young lady. She has worked hard in her first year in Art college and in her part time job at Broadmeadows equestrian centre. She showed commitment and dedication and I really think her choice in sport and hobby of horse riding has taught her a great work ethic. As over the years Sarah has had to rise early at 5am each morning in the pitch dark of cold winters to the sunny bright days of summer to prepare her horse for shows and competitions. It also taught her a respect for animals and people alike.
Sarah gained a few little fans in Broadmeadows from the little girls she taught in lessons including her own sister Yasmin, whom Sarah spent a lot of extra time helping her in the last couple of weeks because she is going to miss her little annoying sister more than she thinks.
Yasmin will also miss Sarah a lot as Yasmin really looks up to Sarah.
This has all helped Sarah gain some life experiences that will help her in her new job in Busch Gardens in Virginia where I know she and her new pal Aisling will fit in just fine!
We went through the USIT visa program for Sarah because we wanted some structure as this is her first time to go it alone. Although it is an expensive method, it ticks all the boxes for your precious off spring's safety. Sarah and Aisling will stay in a dormatory on site and two other girls will be sharing with them.
This will take my once extremely shy little girl out of her comfort zone but it will also be the start of her own independent life and give her some great memories.
How will I cope with three months without picking up my nineteen year old daughter's knickers from the bathroom floor?
I may just cope fine. xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)