So, I'm finally having a little book launch today for 'My Beautiful Flower' in 'Forever Amber' book shop in Ratoath at 12 o Clock.
As a person who doesn't like attention focused on to herself, (really, I don't) This is a bit nerve racking. It's a personal story, so I'm putting myself out there, but I'm not looking for adulation or pity. I learned from a lot of mistakes in my life and shared them with you all so that you can see there is light at the end of a tunnel. And there is always light at the end of a tunnel.
But I do have a goal, so I have to do this. I feel that my path is to be a writer and I am excited about 'Madhead the Crazy Horse' coming in the autumn. Sarah has done a great job on the illustrations and I know that kids will love this book!
And I'm excited about my crime story 'Shame so Deep', (not edited yet)
A lover of reading all my life, I couldn't believe that I would be capable of writing one! Until I started!
It just shows that anyone of us can do anything as long as we believe in it.
Thanks your instinct.
That's your guidance from God.
Thursday 18 June 2015
Wednesday 17 June 2015
Me poor Ma!
My poor Ma has broken her ankle. So she has to rest and not walk on it. At 74, my Ma is very independent and doesn't like to sit still. It was decided among us sisters that would go and stay in our Christine's to rest. This was going to be a challenge for her!
To save her from boredom, I decided to bring her out for a little treat today and get her hair done. As she's on a walking frame and has to keep the leg up, she has to hop on her good leg and she's not a great hopper! Also her dog Shaggy has separation anxiety so he had to come along in the car. The point being, we couldn't go too far from the car to the shop, (so that Shaggy could see her!) nor, could we go anywhere with an upstairs.
It was all going grand, as we went to Altered Images Hair Salon in Ratoath and the girl looked after Mammy and Ma enjoyed the banter.
I decided to finish the morning off with a bit of lunch in Cork's in Ashbourne. (Which is delicious)
As they are building again in Ashbourne and doing road works (a very common affair in Ireland) there was no parking to be got anywhere.
I had to drop Mammy on the corner, help her onto the bench and quickly move on from the impatient traffic behind me. I had no option but to park on the grass verge across the street.
Shaggy ran out of the car looking for Mammy and after a stressful chase, I got him back into the car. I left the window open for him and he was able to see Mammy across the road.
Next of all a rude obnoxious man decided to shout out from his car window, 'Do you know you're not supposed to park there?' As I tried to explain about the mammy and the dog, he was still giving out!
He went off to report me to the Garda, really! He saw my poor Ma struggling on her walking frame, he knew I had a good reason to park where I was, but the cranky old so and so (He was about 60, I'm sure it won't be too long till he finds himself in a similar situation) had no sympathy, nor respect for my 74 year old Mother.
The lovely Garda came down to me and he could see my Mother's circumstances and indeed my dillema and thankfully had no grievance with me.
Thankfully, there are not too many cranky people in the world!
To save her from boredom, I decided to bring her out for a little treat today and get her hair done. As she's on a walking frame and has to keep the leg up, she has to hop on her good leg and she's not a great hopper! Also her dog Shaggy has separation anxiety so he had to come along in the car. The point being, we couldn't go too far from the car to the shop, (so that Shaggy could see her!) nor, could we go anywhere with an upstairs.
It was all going grand, as we went to Altered Images Hair Salon in Ratoath and the girl looked after Mammy and Ma enjoyed the banter.
I decided to finish the morning off with a bit of lunch in Cork's in Ashbourne. (Which is delicious)
As they are building again in Ashbourne and doing road works (a very common affair in Ireland) there was no parking to be got anywhere.
I had to drop Mammy on the corner, help her onto the bench and quickly move on from the impatient traffic behind me. I had no option but to park on the grass verge across the street.
Shaggy ran out of the car looking for Mammy and after a stressful chase, I got him back into the car. I left the window open for him and he was able to see Mammy across the road.
Next of all a rude obnoxious man decided to shout out from his car window, 'Do you know you're not supposed to park there?' As I tried to explain about the mammy and the dog, he was still giving out!
He went off to report me to the Garda, really! He saw my poor Ma struggling on her walking frame, he knew I had a good reason to park where I was, but the cranky old so and so (He was about 60, I'm sure it won't be too long till he finds himself in a similar situation) had no sympathy, nor respect for my 74 year old Mother.
The lovely Garda came down to me and he could see my Mother's circumstances and indeed my dillema and thankfully had no grievance with me.
Thankfully, there are not too many cranky people in the world!
Monday 15 June 2015
The days of our Struggles!
As an owner of a construction company, this last recession hit us with a bang! It began in 2007 when the huge construction firms stopped paying the little contractors like my husband! The business suffered huge losses and struggled to survive.
Many of our close friends and business friends lost their business, their homes and some their marriages and some their lives. My husband's company went from 60 to 6 employees and somehow they managed to keep going. I say they, because it was because of his original 6 dedicated employees and our family members that helped keep Custom Crew Construction LTD going. And of course, my husband's good maths head!
I tried to help as much as I could and decided to sell some of our un needed clutter around my home. This is what I wrote at the time and shows the funny side of our struggles!
Fairyhouse Market!
We packed up all our treasures
and loaded up the truck,
We piled on layers of clothing
and wellies for the muck!
We hung up our Lipsy dresses
that once graced the fancy clubs
and lined up our red soled shoes
our Carvella's and our Uggs!
Oh we loved the banter of the markets
And we gave it back as good!
Who knew that market selling
was lying waiting in our blood?
We had our sambo's ready
and hot steaming flasks of tea,
we had to take our turns running for a wee!
We watched our designer handbags get picked up with delight,
Gucci, Armani, Guess and Juicy
that held great memories of great nights!
The euros were mounting up
as our rails were emptying fast!
Our play stations, D S's. and DVD's
staying till the last!
I'm proud of those 5am Sunday mornings
in the rain, sleet, snow and sun,
as Christine and I stayed twelve long hours
till everything was gone!
This last recession was tough and unfair
It savaged and destroyed,
but it reminded us of forgotten values
as more became unemployed.
Laughter and friendship gathered in that Market,
neighbours, posh, poor, sisters and brothers,
all the same, all united, with the same goals,
but like the old Irish that wealth forgot, were now back helping others!
by Jean Murray
Many of our close friends and business friends lost their business, their homes and some their marriages and some their lives. My husband's company went from 60 to 6 employees and somehow they managed to keep going. I say they, because it was because of his original 6 dedicated employees and our family members that helped keep Custom Crew Construction LTD going. And of course, my husband's good maths head!
I tried to help as much as I could and decided to sell some of our un needed clutter around my home. This is what I wrote at the time and shows the funny side of our struggles!
Fairyhouse Market!
We packed up all our treasures
and loaded up the truck,
We piled on layers of clothing
and wellies for the muck!
We hung up our Lipsy dresses
that once graced the fancy clubs
and lined up our red soled shoes
our Carvella's and our Uggs!
Oh we loved the banter of the markets
And we gave it back as good!
Who knew that market selling
was lying waiting in our blood?
We had our sambo's ready
and hot steaming flasks of tea,
we had to take our turns running for a wee!
We watched our designer handbags get picked up with delight,
Gucci, Armani, Guess and Juicy
that held great memories of great nights!
The euros were mounting up
as our rails were emptying fast!
Our play stations, D S's. and DVD's
staying till the last!
I'm proud of those 5am Sunday mornings
in the rain, sleet, snow and sun,
as Christine and I stayed twelve long hours
till everything was gone!
This last recession was tough and unfair
It savaged and destroyed,
but it reminded us of forgotten values
as more became unemployed.
Laughter and friendship gathered in that Market,
neighbours, posh, poor, sisters and brothers,
all the same, all united, with the same goals,
but like the old Irish that wealth forgot, were now back helping others!
by Jean Murray
Thursday 11 June 2015
lessons learnt!
As a Mother, you make a few mistakes when things aren't going well for your little angels. I did it at least once with each of my children. Not mildly. With guns blazing. You think I would've learned after the first quite torturous incident. No, not me.
I was reminded of one such outburst when I signed Yasmin up for the Ward Union Pony Club.
Now, if anybody is reading this from the Ward Union, (especially the DC Katy at the time) I do apologize now for my interference and for the show I made of myself all those years ago! I am in a much better place these days!
The thing is, there are things that you do at a time and I guess it's not a problem, because you're probably not going to bump into the same people again. Until you do! When your next child is dying to be in the Ward Union Pony Club!
Let me explain; My little angel Sarah (now 19) was in the Ward Union Pony Club for three years when she was about ten. To be honest, it's a great club, where lots of experienced riders give up their free time and their land to teach these kids eventing.
There's a grand finale with a full week's pony camp in the posh riding stables at Tattersalls where the kids have a fantastic week of eventing. They also get their grade in pony and stable management.
Each year when the prizes where being given out, (it was a grand ceremony) I waited for my little angel to get hers, but she didn't. And then the next year. And she didn't.
And then on her last year, (she had decided that show jumping was for her), that she was leaving the pony club, she never got that prize.
Oh you know what's coming. I felt her loss. All the other kids were getting pony rugs and feed and lots of stuff in prizes. And she got nothing.
So like any decent Mother would do, I complained! I complained to every member on the board in my self righteous tone! How they were doing it so wrong. Why can't every child get a prize? I told them what I thought of their unfairly run club!
Mmmm..... Six years later and I'm back and when I see the familiar faces again, it suddenly dawns on me. Ouch!
I think that God is leaving me here on this Earth for a few more years because I still have many people I have to apologize to!
I was reminded of one such outburst when I signed Yasmin up for the Ward Union Pony Club.
Now, if anybody is reading this from the Ward Union, (especially the DC Katy at the time) I do apologize now for my interference and for the show I made of myself all those years ago! I am in a much better place these days!
The thing is, there are things that you do at a time and I guess it's not a problem, because you're probably not going to bump into the same people again. Until you do! When your next child is dying to be in the Ward Union Pony Club!
Let me explain; My little angel Sarah (now 19) was in the Ward Union Pony Club for three years when she was about ten. To be honest, it's a great club, where lots of experienced riders give up their free time and their land to teach these kids eventing.
There's a grand finale with a full week's pony camp in the posh riding stables at Tattersalls where the kids have a fantastic week of eventing. They also get their grade in pony and stable management.
Each year when the prizes where being given out, (it was a grand ceremony) I waited for my little angel to get hers, but she didn't. And then the next year. And she didn't.
And then on her last year, (she had decided that show jumping was for her), that she was leaving the pony club, she never got that prize.
Oh you know what's coming. I felt her loss. All the other kids were getting pony rugs and feed and lots of stuff in prizes. And she got nothing.
So like any decent Mother would do, I complained! I complained to every member on the board in my self righteous tone! How they were doing it so wrong. Why can't every child get a prize? I told them what I thought of their unfairly run club!
Mmmm..... Six years later and I'm back and when I see the familiar faces again, it suddenly dawns on me. Ouch!
I think that God is leaving me here on this Earth for a few more years because I still have many people I have to apologize to!
Wednesday 10 June 2015
There were a few blogs I had written during my last dose of depression that I didn't publish because they show the inner debt of me at the time, so I saved them in drafts; One of which I published just before this one. Thankfully I am feeling really well at the moment, but I'd like to explain what it's like when it hits.
I am on Lexapro anti depressant 20 mils now and I think it's grand. There are no side effects and I certainly don't feel addicted to it. Because I did come off it and on it a few times in my last few years, I would be very reluctant to come off it at the moment.
Anti depressant's don't make you better, but they do replace the chemical that is low in depressed people. You also need to do the emotional work to find out all about you in order for them to be successful. I have successfully done the work on myself and I realize that for me, I need to be in a positive and grateful place each day, so it is a continuation of work. I don't mind that. In my book, 'My Beautiful Flower' I describe that I was a negative, fearful person. In my recovery, in the last two years, I brainwashed myself into positive thinking and gratitude. Believe me, that is the key.
So how come I was in a bad emotional state again in the middle of April this year till the middle of May?
I look at it like this; You can take all your flu vitamins but you can still get the flu if you are over worked, it's the same for the brain. I had a lot of emotional stress and financial stress in my life these past couple of months, even though I was doing my work on myself and my walks, I was emotionally and physically overworked.
And I fell. I knew what was happening this time so I knew I had to go through the motions. A month is a long time to be mentally ill and I tried to use all my helping skills to get me through it.
Eventually, thank God, I did get through it.
Yes, I know now that when I do come off my medication I will get these bouts of depression still, just like the flu.
When I looked back on my saved blogs this morning, I wasn't surprised, because I know me. But if I had of acted out any of my crazy thoughts at the time, I would've caused a lot of upheaval in everyone's lives.
I did act out on one, but I'm not ready to share that with you yet.xx Jean
I am on Lexapro anti depressant 20 mils now and I think it's grand. There are no side effects and I certainly don't feel addicted to it. Because I did come off it and on it a few times in my last few years, I would be very reluctant to come off it at the moment.
Anti depressant's don't make you better, but they do replace the chemical that is low in depressed people. You also need to do the emotional work to find out all about you in order for them to be successful. I have successfully done the work on myself and I realize that for me, I need to be in a positive and grateful place each day, so it is a continuation of work. I don't mind that. In my book, 'My Beautiful Flower' I describe that I was a negative, fearful person. In my recovery, in the last two years, I brainwashed myself into positive thinking and gratitude. Believe me, that is the key.
So how come I was in a bad emotional state again in the middle of April this year till the middle of May?
I look at it like this; You can take all your flu vitamins but you can still get the flu if you are over worked, it's the same for the brain. I had a lot of emotional stress and financial stress in my life these past couple of months, even though I was doing my work on myself and my walks, I was emotionally and physically overworked.
And I fell. I knew what was happening this time so I knew I had to go through the motions. A month is a long time to be mentally ill and I tried to use all my helping skills to get me through it.
Eventually, thank God, I did get through it.
Yes, I know now that when I do come off my medication I will get these bouts of depression still, just like the flu.
When I looked back on my saved blogs this morning, I wasn't surprised, because I know me. But if I had of acted out any of my crazy thoughts at the time, I would've caused a lot of upheaval in everyone's lives.
I did act out on one, but I'm not ready to share that with you yet.xx Jean
Now that I'm feeling well again, I want to share with you what I feel when I'm not well.
So, I can go to the doctor, but what would I say,
He may suggest different or more anti depressants, but I won't take them. I don't think they'll work.
He may suggest I go in some where for a while, I do have the VHI cover, but I won't leave my children and to be honest, I'd feel a bit silly. I know I'm feeling ill with depression, but I'm not going off my head. Or am I?
Maybe I'll leave, maybe it's time.
But how do I do that? They will probably be better off without me...
I'm pretty sure I won't be any happier without my family.
So how am I going to wake this deadness in me?
I'm sorry God for taking up more of your time, but can you please help me?
Or is this my life?
He may suggest different or more anti depressants, but I won't take them. I don't think they'll work.
He may suggest I go in some where for a while, I do have the VHI cover, but I won't leave my children and to be honest, I'd feel a bit silly. I know I'm feeling ill with depression, but I'm not going off my head. Or am I?
Maybe I'll leave, maybe it's time.
But how do I do that? They will probably be better off without me...
I'm pretty sure I won't be any happier without my family.
So how am I going to wake this deadness in me?
I'm sorry God for taking up more of your time, but can you please help me?
Or is this my life?
Sunday 7 June 2015
Here's what I'm talking about!
As I watched my little girl Yasmin approach the gallops on her first pony club cross country training session on Thursday, again I heard myself say, 'No, there's no way Yasmin can do this! She couldn't want to do this! Could she?' But again, she amazed me.
I had no idea what 'The Gallops' were, but everybody was getting really excited as the kids, ten years old and under cantered over towards the end of the field.
And there it was! The Gallops was for all intents and purposes, a race course, on sand thankfully, but the kids go in two at a time and race each other around! They can go as fast as their horse can run!
I heard myself say 'Holy Mother Mary, Jesus and Joseph.'
'Mam, Can I have my whip?' she asked me. 'What? I don't think you need your whip Yasmin, don't go too fast.... and off she went.
Yasmin couldn't wait to ride ponies. She pestered me from the time she could talk at age three. I agreed to let her have a lesson when she was five, against Anto's wishes.
Yasmin had a huge difficulty with balance and muscle control because of her Dyspraxia. She had already had many falls before she was was five and broke arms, legs, elbows and wrists. She had plenty of falls on her head and many nasty cuts that I found myself becoming her constant nurse if I wasn't dashing off to Temple street with her!
I was worried sick about her wanting to follow her big sister Sarah's footsteps in horse riding.
Yasmin had many falls on her pony lessons but thankfully had no injuries and her OT reassured me and said that riding lessons were really good for muscle building and strength.
My heart would race and my nerves were gone but she would get back up on the pony and keep going. And that's the way it's been for the last five and a half years. Yasmin also has a comprehension difficulty, that means that she doesn't understand long sentences, so it's harder for her to listen and learn. It took her a long time to get to jumping 60 inch course. She has to concentrate hard to get her strides right, coming to a jump, position herself properly and jump when the time is right. She's still trying to master her strides and she's got a young pony so he can be a bit misbehaving, but she adores him!
Yasmin came back from her first run on the gallops with a big smile on her face, 'Mam, I really need my whip this time!'
She gave Eclipse a clip on the bum and off he galloped. He galloped fast around the course gathering speed. To be honest, I'm an awful coward, I was hiding behind the gathered parents, peeping through my hands. I prayed Yasmin wouldn't fall off. Her position was really good. She was doing it!
'That was really fun Mammy!'
I had no idea what 'The Gallops' were, but everybody was getting really excited as the kids, ten years old and under cantered over towards the end of the field.
And there it was! The Gallops was for all intents and purposes, a race course, on sand thankfully, but the kids go in two at a time and race each other around! They can go as fast as their horse can run!
I heard myself say 'Holy Mother Mary, Jesus and Joseph.'
'Mam, Can I have my whip?' she asked me. 'What? I don't think you need your whip Yasmin, don't go too fast.... and off she went.
Yasmin couldn't wait to ride ponies. She pestered me from the time she could talk at age three. I agreed to let her have a lesson when she was five, against Anto's wishes.
Yasmin had a huge difficulty with balance and muscle control because of her Dyspraxia. She had already had many falls before she was was five and broke arms, legs, elbows and wrists. She had plenty of falls on her head and many nasty cuts that I found myself becoming her constant nurse if I wasn't dashing off to Temple street with her!
I was worried sick about her wanting to follow her big sister Sarah's footsteps in horse riding.
Yasmin had many falls on her pony lessons but thankfully had no injuries and her OT reassured me and said that riding lessons were really good for muscle building and strength.
My heart would race and my nerves were gone but she would get back up on the pony and keep going. And that's the way it's been for the last five and a half years. Yasmin also has a comprehension difficulty, that means that she doesn't understand long sentences, so it's harder for her to listen and learn. It took her a long time to get to jumping 60 inch course. She has to concentrate hard to get her strides right, coming to a jump, position herself properly and jump when the time is right. She's still trying to master her strides and she's got a young pony so he can be a bit misbehaving, but she adores him!
Yasmin came back from her first run on the gallops with a big smile on her face, 'Mam, I really need my whip this time!'
She gave Eclipse a clip on the bum and off he galloped. He galloped fast around the course gathering speed. To be honest, I'm an awful coward, I was hiding behind the gathered parents, peeping through my hands. I prayed Yasmin wouldn't fall off. Her position was really good. She was doing it!
'That was really fun Mammy!'
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